The Best Lana Shields Quotes

Lana: [heard they're moving] I hope it's not very far. I mean, we were just getting close.
Jack: Actually, you were getting close. I was just trying to get away.

Jack: [upright, stuck in sleeping bag] Lana, am I glad to see you!
Lana: [exults] Oh!
Jack: Could you please unzip me?
Lana: [elated] I thought you'd never ask!

Ralph: [does his utmost to impress] You may not know it, but I've got a Porsche.
Lana: Why don't you go throw yourself under it?

Jack: [pretends to be gay] It's no use, Lana. A leopard cannot change its spots.
Lana: [amorous] No, but it can climb up a different tree once in a while.

Chrissy: Guess what? I'm the new sales lady for EasyTimes Cosmetics, and you get to be my very first customer.
Lana: Guess what? You're wrong. Jack, darling...
[goes over to couch]
Jack: [had been pretending he didn't see her come in] Oh, hi, Lana, just taking a nap.
Lana: You must come over to my apartment with me and help me change my light bulb.
Chrissy: That's a switch.
[snorting with laughter]
Jack: Lana, why can't you change it yourself?
Lana: 'Cause the fixture's too high. It's in the ceiling... of my bedroom.
[chuckles]
Jack: Why don't you just get on the bed?
Lana: I thought you'd never ask.
[makes a grab for him again]
Jack: Lana, control yourself.
[points at the others in the room]
Lana: I can't help myself, Jack, whenever I'm close to you, I get this... this tingling sensation all over my body!
Chrissy: Please! If you want your body to tingle, why don't you try some of my new bath lotion?
Lana: [looks down at Chrissy with disdain] If blondes have more fun, why do they keep spoiling it for other people?

Lana: Jack, if you'd like to drop off some sugar, I'll be waiting in my apartment with empty cups.

Lana: [as Mr. Furley enters] Just the man who I wanted to see.
Ralph: Well, feast your eyes, Lana, but try to control yourself in front of the children.
Lana: [pays all of that no heed] I want my apartment repainted.
Ralph: Well now, that's not up to me. I'll have to ask my brother, he's the owner, I'm just the manager.
Lana: And I would also like shelves put up in my closet.
Ralph: Ugh. Look, after that *last* job I did for you, my brother warned me about spending too much money. I'm liable to get fired here.
Lana: And I'd like it all done by Friday.
[turns to leave]
Lana: Bye-bye, girls.
Chrissy: Goodbye, Lana!
Ralph: But, Lana, I...
[realizes she's left]
Ralph: I'm not gonna do it!
Lana: [pops back in] Make that Thursday!
[pops back out]
Ralph: Thursday, right!
[as the door slams, he covers his face with his hands]
Ralph: Why can't I learn to say no?
Chrissy: You say no to Jack!
Ralph: You're darn right I do! Where is he? He left this bill for some paint inside my mailbox.
Chrissy: Oh, what color did you paint the inside of your mailbox?
Ralph: I did not paint the inside of my mailbox.
Chrissy: Oh, we'll be glad to lend you some of our paint we have left over from the kitchen cabinet.
Ralph: [gives up on that, turns to Janet] Can I talk to you for a minute?
Janet: [nods] Sure.
Ralph: This was inside my mailbox.
Janet: I hope it didn't get paint all over it.
Ralph: There isn't any paint in my mailbox! I don't know what you're talking about!
Janet: [front door opens] Oh, Jack! Jack, come here! Mr. Furley's got a problem!
Jack: I don't wanna hear any problems. I've got enough of my own.
Janet: What's wrong?
Jack: Travis wants me to cook for a dinner party he's having for free!
Chrissy: Why didn't you tell him you couldn't make it?
Jack: Oh, I tried, Chrissy, but he's one of those people who sound so positive. You know, he's a real authority figure, and that always wipes me out.
Ralph: Sounds like my brother Bart, the big dictator!
Janet: Poor Jack, you have got to learn how to say no!
Jack: Yeah, who teaches that?
Chrissy: My mother. On my first date, she really showed me how to say no.
Jack: How?
Chrissy: She went along with me.
Janet: [to Jack] You know what? It sounds to me like you need Dr. Prescott.
Jack: Who's he?
Chrissy: Oh, he's a psychologist. He's an expert on assertiveness training.
[nods]
Chrissy: He wrote that book Yes Is A Four-Letter Word.
Jack: No, I don't think a book will help me.
Chrissy: Well, if you don't agree with someone, you can just hit him over the head with it.
Jack: Chrissy...
Chrissy: Especially if it's a heavy subject.

Jack: [opens door] Oh, look, it's Mr. Furley! Well, maybe he can take care of your bulb, Lana.
Ralph: [enters, has eyes only for Lana] Yeah! I'm great with flowers.
[said in such a way it is clear he considers Lana to be his flower]
Lana: Why don't you go plant yourself?

Lana: [when she unwittingly notices Jack's nudity] Hey, Tarzan, can I swing on your tree?

Janet: I'm telling you, we can't get Mr. Furley to do anything. Jack asked him to paint the kitchen cabinet, and he said no.
Chrissy: Jack had to do it himself.
Janet: Yeah.
Lana: Oh, it must be so nice to have a man around the house.
Janet: Well, you ought to know, you were married three times.
Lana: I had three men around the house.
[chuckles]
Lana: They were also around my neighbor's house, my girlfriend's house... my secretary's house...
Chrissy: [brightly] They were really helpful, weren't they?
Janet: Chrissy... I - I don't think they were painting any kitchen cabinets.
Chrissy: [as what was meant finally dawns upon her, her eyes widen] How *awful*! Ugh, men! No wonder you gave up marriage and went into business!
Janet: Chrissy...!
Lana: Men can give you heartaches in business too. You know, when I first became an executive, they didn't even give me a secretary.
Janet: No kidding, how come?
Lana: Because I'm a woman, they expected me to do my own typing.
Chrissy: They didn't give me a secretary either.
Janet: You *are* a secretary.
Chrissy: I know.
Janet: [doorbell rings] Excuse me.
Chrissy: [to Lana] I still had to do my own typing.
[nods]

Ralph: Lana, I hate to throw my macho around, but either you come back with me now, or I go back to town alone!
Lana: [coolly] Drive safely.

Jack: [wants to help Chrissy] Lana, if you do me this favor, I - I'll come up and fix your bulb. All I right?
Lana: Good! And then we'll turn it off, and you can turn me on.