100 Best Jack Tripper Quotes

Jack: I know what you do at night, and if it seems like work to you, you're doing it wrong.
Larry: That's not funny.

Louise: I'll say this for you, you've got nerve.
Jack: Asking you for a loan?
Louise: Asking me for a date. I'm sorry, Mr. Tripper, but, you see, this bank can not give money to someone who can't pay it back.
Jack: Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you.

Chrissy: [threw away the day's mail] What do you want me to do about it? Go down to the city dump and dig up ten blocks of trash?
Jack: [considers her offer] No, that would take too long.
[exasperated, slams his hand into his fist]
Janet: Jack, couldn't the Government just rush out a duplicate check?
Jack: The Government *rush*?
[cynical laugh]

Diane: Janet, do you know what I do for a living?
Janet: Of course I do! It's right here on your card in black and white. Diane McMillan, The Rapist!
Jack: That's therapist.
Janet's: She always did have trouble with her reading.

Jack: [upright, stuck in sleeping bag] Lana, am I glad to see you!
Lana: [exults] Oh!
Jack: Could you please unzip me?
Lana: [elated] I thought you'd never ask!

Jack: Cindy, look, there are to two ways to open a door: the right way and your way.

Cindy: If my man was cheating on me I'd break every bone in his body!
Jack: You'll do that on your wedding night.

Larry: I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady.
Jack: No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.

Jack: [in bed after falling down the stairs] I wonder if I'll still be able to have children?
Chrissy: Sure. You ought to wait until your leg heals, though.

Jack: [consoling after failure] Chrissy, lots of people have trouble selling at first.
Chrissy: [sobbing profusely] Not like me! Two men walked away, and another made me write a letter to his wife!
Janet: [puzzled] Why?
Chrissy: [very, very upset] Because I spilled a bottle of perfume all over his pants!

Stanley: Not in my building!
Jack: I swear, it will be completely platonic.
Stanley: I don't care what it - What does that mean?
Helen: Like you and me, Stanley.

Chrissy: [whining] Why don't you take one of us on the cruise? We're your best friends.
Jack: Well, you may be my best friends, but Joanne Bonny's my best bet, if you know what I mean.

Jack: [opens door] Oh, look, it's Mr. Furley! Well, maybe he can take care of your bulb, Lana.
Ralph: [enters, has eyes only for Lana] Yeah! I'm great with flowers.
[said in such a way it is clear he considers Lana to be his flower]
Lana: Why don't you go plant yourself?

Jack: I can't tell him! Gloria's the girl he's gonna share his life with!
Janet: What about the guys he's gonna share his wife with?

Jack: [the three roommates each went to a different animal shelter to get a cat, and Terri gets one that looks nothing like Cuddles] How could you get a pinto?

Jack: [Mr. Furley is standing outside the bathroom and eavesdropping while Jack and Chrissy are installing a shower curtain] Okay, Chrissy, I'll get in the tub with you, then we can get it on.
Chrissy: Get next to me, I'll show you what to do.
Jack: This isn't exactly the first time I've ever done this.
Chrissy: Maybe so, but girls are better at this than boys.
Jack: Come on, Chrissy. A little less talk and a little more action, okay?
Chrissy: Okay, you do your part and I'll do mine. I don't think it'll reach!
Jack: Of course not, you've got to unfold it first!

Chrissy: [comes rushing in with letter] Oh, this is terrible! My father's coming to preach a sermon!
Janet: Here?
Chrissy: No, in the church.
Janet: Chrissy, when's your father coming?
Chrissy: Today! His plane lands at two-thirty! Oh, no, look!
[tosses the letter onto the kitchen table]
Jack: He should have brought that with him and saved himself a stamp.
Janet: It took over a week to get here. Oh, no!
Jack: From Fresno?
[goes through rest of mail]
Jack: What else did our efficient postal service bring us? Any Christmas cards or nice magazines? No, just bills! They always get here right on time!
[throws down the stack]
Chrissy: This is terrible. He can't see us like this!
Janet: [with irony] Well, you're right. This apartment is a wreck.
[looks around her, everything is of course fairly spick and span]
Chrissy: It's worse than that!
Janet: Oh, Chrissy, that's an exaggeration. I mean, your Dad's been here before. He knows how we live.
Chrissy: *Things have changed since then!*
Jack: What things?
Chrissy: You used to be Eleanor.
Jack: Hey, level with me, was my operation a success?
[flutters eyelashes]
Janet: Jack, last time Chrissy's father came down, Eleanor was still our roommate.
Jack: Oh, Chrissy, don't worry about it. I'm sure your father's gonna like me.
Chrissy: [whines] Oh...
Jack: Chrissy, I'll be on my best behavior.
Chrissy: [whines even more] No...
[clasps her hands over her head]
Jack: Thank you for the vote of confidence.

Jack: Don't forget you're engaged to Larry!
Gloria: I'm getting married, not buried! Larry will be out bowling every Wednesday.
Jack: No, Gloria, Larry doesn't bowl.
Gloria: We'll teach him!

Janet: What's the boat for?
Cindy: It's for the swimming pool.
Jack: We don't have a pool.
Cindy: I thought Chrissy said everyone down here had a pool.
Jack: Ours was stolen.

Chrissy: You talk and I'll type.
Jack: Ok. January 1st. My eyes opened to the dawn of a new year. I looked over and saw Julian's sleeping form. Something stirred within me, some deep primitive lust. I reached over, touched Julian's shoulder and...
[stops reading and eyes widen in disbelief]
Chrissy: Jack...
Jack: Shhh!
Chrissy: What happens when she touched Julian's shoulder?
Jack: Everything. Here, read this entry here.
Chrissy: [reads it in increasing disbelief] Did you see what she did on Washington's birthday?
Jack: Yeah, I'll be old George didn't even do that on his honeymoon.

Janet: [on her way to kitchen, sleepily walks past Chrissy passionately cuddling Jack on the couch, then turns back sharply] What is going on here?
Chrissy: I'm just convincing Jack that he's still sexy and attractive.
Janet: [scoffs] And to think that I almost slept through this!
Jack: Fortunately there are still good seats available!
[pulls Janet onto the couch as well]

Jack: Good morning! Coffee, toast and the Sunday paper just for you.
Chrissy: Oh!
[but no, it's for Janet, because Jack is after her Frank Sinatra tickets]
Chrissy: Well, what about me?
Jack: Oh, good morning to you too.

Jack: [wants to help Chrissy] Lana, if you do me this favor, I - I'll come up and fix your bulb. All I right?
Lana: Good! And then we'll turn it off, and you can turn me on.

Jack: [pleased to have been called into the girls" bedroom] Why didn't you say it was important?
Chrissy: I didn't wanna disturb you.
Jack: Chrissy, the day you stop to disturb me is the day I run off to see my doctor.

Janet: [re that revealing red dress] Hey, Chrissy, uh, did you actually wear this dress at the office?
Chrissy: I sure did, and it really worked! I walked into that office just overflowing with confidence!
[out the room]
Janet: Jack... You really did it this time.
Jack: *I* did it?
Janet: Yes, you're the one who wanted her to wear a low-cut dress.
Jack: Janet, I want *every* girl to wear a low-cut dress.
Janet: Jack, please, that is *not* the kind of dress you wear to office. It's the kind you wear to open-heart surgery!
Jack: Well, that dress probably had nothing to do with her getting that promotion.
Janet: Oh, are you kidding?
Jack: I'm not!
Janet: Oh, Jack, come on. I've heard how men are in offices.
Jack: What are you talking about?

Chrissy: [after catching Jack and Gloria in a compromising position] You're a rat!
Janet: A pig.
Chrissy: A snake!
Janet: A skunk.
Chrissy: A giraffe!
Jack: Giraffe?
Chrissy: Well, I ran out of animals.

Chrissy: Oh, Jack, I want you to do something in my bedroom too!
Jack: That's an even better idea!
[imitates bawdy dancing]
Janet: Wait. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. And just what did you have in mind?

Jack: Face it, if women had more will power there'd be no shopping malls.
Janet: And if men had more will power there'd be no maternity shops!

Jack: Hi, Mr. Furley.
Ralph: [Yelling at Jack] Washers don't grow on trees, you know.
[Exits apartment]
Jack: [Confused] What?

Cindy: She's wrong, Jack. You're NOT a bad liar.
Jack: [indignantly] Thank you, Cindy!
Cindy: You're about the best darn liar I've ever met!

Ralph: Ohhhh, I'm through with women.
Jack: Aww.
Ralph: Don't you get any ideas!

Jack: Well, I was jogging along...
Janet: I don't believe you!
Chrissy: Neither do I.
Jack: Okay, if you don't wanna hear about the naked girl I saw...
Janet: Wait! What naked girl?
Jack: I don't know her name. I was running along on the beach and I turned to say hi and then I tripped over *another* one. Yes, everyone on that beach was *nude!*
Chrissy: They weren't wearing anything?
Jack: Right! That's nude, that's nude. They were just wearing suntan lotion! Could you imagine everywhere I looked all I saw were shiny hills.
Janet: You mean, you mean, right here on our beach? Now come on, Jack, you're putting us on.
Jack: It's true! I spend the last half hour talking to a naked redhead. Just to make sure.
[chuckles]

Jack: [passionate embrace] Susan, Susan...
Susan: Jack, Jack...
Janet: Sick, sick...
Susan: Oh, what do you say, we celebrate our reunion?
Jack: I'll open up a bottle of wine.
Susan: Oh, no, let's go out.
[raises her eyes at the two roommates]
Susan: I feel it's a little crowded in here.
Chrissy: That's 'cause you're standing so close to Jack!
Susan: [to Chrissy, patronising tone] You're sweet.
Jack: Let's go to the Regal Beagle.
Susan: Oh, and music!
Chrissy: [panicky] You can't go!
Jack: Why not?
Chrissy: 'Cause you're supposed to go for a walk with me!
Jack: Well, Chrissy, I'll take a rain check on that, all right?
Chrissy: [whines] I can't wait till it rains! I wanna go for a walk right now!
Susan: She's a pushy little thing, isn't she?

Jack: [with Helen looking at him quizzically as he is still standing there with noodles streaming down after Linda poured the big bowl of soup over his head] She brought me some chicken soup.
Helen: I think you were supposed to eat it.
Jack: I didn't have time.

Jack: [after Nancy has made Leo leave while Jack is out of the room] Where's Leo?
Nancy: Um, he left.
Jack: [surprised] Just like that? Was I too rough on him, do you think?
Nancy: Forget about him.
[seductively]
Nancy: I'M still here.
Jack: Why would he leave?
Nancy: [sighs] I told him he was a nuisance and in the way. I did you a favor... I got rid of him.
Jack: [shocked] You what?
Nancy: Aw, come on, Jack! I mean, who would you rather have around? A broken down old man or...
[smiles]
Nancy: me?
Jack: [smiles back] No contest, Nancy.
Nancy: I thought not.
Jack: [maintains smile] Get out.
Nancy: [in shocked disbelief] What?
Jack: Excuse me... get out, please.
[goes to door and holds it open for her]

Jack: [neither one can go through with their bet anymore] What do you say, Chrissy? Wanna call it a draw?
Chrissy: Uh huh.
Jack: [calls out to his soon-no-longer-to-be-off-limits date] *Come here, Grace!* Okay. On the count of three, we both start nibbling.

Jack: [considered lucky to live with two girls] Oh, yeah, I'm also there for protection.
Barbara: Oh, what are you afraid of?

Jack: Are you sure it was a mouse?
Janet: Oh, yes, Jack, it squeaked!
Chrissy: Well, don't just stand there, Jack, go oil it!
[snorts with laughter]

Debbie: [as they sit close together on the sofa] Don't you think we should be cooking?
Jack: [other ideas in mind] That's what I say.

Chrissy: Jack, I have a two-part question... Why?
Jack: How is that a two-part question?
Chrissy: [turning to Janet] We both wanna know!

Janet: Have you been down on the beach *all* this time jogging?
Jack: Not all the time. I had to stop and watch some of the girls jiggling. Uh, juggling. Jogging!
Janet: [nods] Yeah, you *had* to watch.
Jack: Well, you know, Janet, it's good to study form.

Jack: [re aftershave lotion] Here, take a whiff. Doesn't this make you want to tear off my clothes?
Chrissy: No, it makes me wish we had separate bathrooms.

Jack: [after lugging in party supplies] My arms have grown six inches!
Chrissy: That's better than if they've grown a foot!

Jack: I have a surprise for you girls!
Chrissy: Oh, I love surprises. It's funny that you never suspect them!

Leo: Do you, uh, live with these two girls?
Jack: Oh, yeah!
[Leo gives a conspiratory wink]

Lana: [as Mr. Furley enters] Just the man who I wanted to see.
Ralph: Well, feast your eyes, Lana, but try to control yourself in front of the children.
Lana: [pays all of that no heed] I want my apartment repainted.
Ralph: Well now, that's not up to me. I'll have to ask my brother, he's the owner, I'm just the manager.
Lana: And I would also like shelves put up in my closet.
Ralph: Ugh. Look, after that *last* job I did for you, my brother warned me about spending too much money. I'm liable to get fired here.
Lana: And I'd like it all done by Friday.
[turns to leave]
Lana: Bye-bye, girls.
Chrissy: Goodbye, Lana!
Ralph: But, Lana, I...
[realizes she's left]
Ralph: I'm not gonna do it!
Lana: [pops back in] Make that Thursday!
[pops back out]
Ralph: Thursday, right!
[as the door slams, he covers his face with his hands]
Ralph: Why can't I learn to say no?
Chrissy: You say no to Jack!
Ralph: You're darn right I do! Where is he? He left this bill for some paint inside my mailbox.
Chrissy: Oh, what color did you paint the inside of your mailbox?
Ralph: I did not paint the inside of my mailbox.
Chrissy: Oh, we'll be glad to lend you some of our paint we have left over from the kitchen cabinet.
Ralph: [gives up on that, turns to Janet] Can I talk to you for a minute?
Janet: [nods] Sure.
Ralph: This was inside my mailbox.
Janet: I hope it didn't get paint all over it.
Ralph: There isn't any paint in my mailbox! I don't know what you're talking about!
Janet: [front door opens] Oh, Jack! Jack, come here! Mr. Furley's got a problem!
Jack: I don't wanna hear any problems. I've got enough of my own.
Janet: What's wrong?
Jack: Travis wants me to cook for a dinner party he's having for free!
Chrissy: Why didn't you tell him you couldn't make it?
Jack: Oh, I tried, Chrissy, but he's one of those people who sound so positive. You know, he's a real authority figure, and that always wipes me out.
Ralph: Sounds like my brother Bart, the big dictator!
Janet: Poor Jack, you have got to learn how to say no!
Jack: Yeah, who teaches that?
Chrissy: My mother. On my first date, she really showed me how to say no.
Jack: How?
Chrissy: She went along with me.
Janet: [to Jack] You know what? It sounds to me like you need Dr. Prescott.
Jack: Who's he?
Chrissy: Oh, he's a psychologist. He's an expert on assertiveness training.
[nods]
Chrissy: He wrote that book Yes Is A Four-Letter Word.
Jack: No, I don't think a book will help me.
Chrissy: Well, if you don't agree with someone, you can just hit him over the head with it.
Jack: Chrissy...
Chrissy: Especially if it's a heavy subject.

Jack: [spoiled patient] Oh, Chrissy, you're a regular Florence Nightingale!
Chrissy: Aw, I don't sing that well.

Jack: [Cindy's arrival has caused chaos] I hope Hurricane Cindy is just passing through.

Jack: [a woman comes to the door and mistakenly tells the girls that Jack got her pregnant. Through miscommunication, Jack believes his girlfriend is pregnant] Good news girls! We're getting married!
Chrissy: You rotten rat!
Jack: [bewildered] Rotten rat? Janet, why did she call me a rat?
Janet: Because you're a pig!

Jack: Wait a minute, you'd go to a nude beach and get naked in front of total strangers but you wouldn't in front of me? That doesn't make any sense.
Chrissy: It makes perfect sense. See, I don't know them, and they don't know me and they don't know who they're seeing, and I don't know who's seeing me. But I know you, and you know me, and you know who you're seeing, and I know who's seeing me. And both of them are me! See?
Jack: No, I don't see.
Chrissy: And you're not going to, either.
[out the door]
Jack: I'd undress in front of you!
Janet: Later, Jack, when we need a good laugh.

Jack: [tries fending off Mrs. Bustamente's dangerous intentions] Don't run the hair through your fingers!

Jack: Okay, Chrissy, what's this Bustamante's address? I - I gotta get this money back to him right away.
Chrissy: Oh, you don't have to worry. He said when it was time he'd come looking for you.

Janet: [enters kitchen] Jack...
Jack: Yes?
Janet: It sounds like you kinda like this girl.
Jack: Oh, you bet I do. And guess what?
Janet: What?
Jack: She's coming over here. We're gonna put our lasagnas together.
Chrissy: That sounds like fun.
[giggles]
Jack: Well, Chrissy, it's a class project. We're gonna make a lasagna. We're gonna make the sauce over here, and the pasta at Debbie's place.
Janet: Well, why don't you make everything over here?
Jack: Because that way I'd never get into Debbie's apartment.
[Janet reacts scornful]
Jack: She happens to be a great cook, Janet.
Janet: Uhm.
Jack: No one can touch her pasta.
Chrissy: I'm sure you'll try.
Jack: You got it all wrong with Debbie. She's different. She's pure and wholesome and... and virtuous. Whatever happened to girls like that?
Janet: They all went out with guys like you.

Chrissy: I once had a date with a basketball player.
Jack: Oh, how was he?
Chrissy: So-so.
Jack: Wasn't he good company?
Chrissy: I don't know. He was so tall, everything he said went right over my head.

[Opening scene at Jack's Bistro; Jack takes an order for a couple]
Jack: Okay, let me see if I have this right: One bottle of white wine...
[to the lady]
Jack: ... and for the lady, one Coq au vin...
[Chicken with wine]
Jack: [to the gentleman] ... and for the finest in French cuisine, the gentleman gets a Boeuf en Croute.
[Beef in a Puff Pastry]
Harry: Uh, with lots of ketchup.
[Audience laughs as Jack apparently puts the order in]
Melissa: [embarrassed] Harry, I told you this was a very chic restaurant.
Harry: [confused] "Chic"? I thought you said "cheap".

Jack: [limping along on crutches] Chrissy, stay close to me, huh? In case I fail, I'd like something soft to land on.

Chrissy: [injured] It's only eight o'clock. It's too early to go to bed.
Janet: We'll all go to bed early, if it makes you feel any better.
Jack: Yeah, I'll go to bed with you.
Chrissy: What?
Jack: I meant at the same time.

Jack: I got to tell you, I really appreciate you all coming to my graduation. It really meant a lot to me.
Janet: Are you kidding? Besides the fact that we love you, we've been waiting for this day for three years.
Chrissy: Yeah, we wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Jack: Yeah, Janet, she's a married woman, and her husband's a real tough cookie. Are you sure she was talking about getting it on with me?
Janet: Jack, you don't have to understand Italian to know what that lady was saying. I mean, she was shouting it in body language.
Chrissy: I thought she was getting a little worked up to be thinking of macaroni.
Jack: Okay, okay, you girls are gonna have to help me. If you hear anything that sounds like I'm in trouble in that kitchen, you come in fast, okay?
Janet: But, Jack, you know I have to get back to the flower shop.
Jack: I know. But, Janet, please... I need you!
Janet: Jack, I'm sorry, but this is my job we're talking about!
[rushes off]
Janet: I'm gonna be late!
[on her way out]
Jack: I need some help!
Janet: Bye!
[door slams]
Jack: [no other way out] Chrissy... Chrissy... Look, will you help me, and - and not leave me alone with her?
Chrissy: You want me to protect your honor?
[goofy laugh]
Jack: Chrissy! I'm serious!

Chrissy: Men are so unsympathetic.
Jack: Baloney.
Chrissy: Oh yeah? Then how come there are more women nurses than men?
Jack: [pause] Because there are more men who get sick because of women.

Stanley: [trying to get the three roommates to clear his yard] Who would benefit from cleaning it?
Janet: You would!
Stanley: Who would enjoy the fresh air and exercise?
Chrissy: Not us!
Stanley: Who can't afford a rent increase on their apartment?
Jack: Mr Roper, there is a word for the kind of threat that you just made.
Stanley: Yeah? What?
Jack: Effective.

Janet: Don't screw it up for Terri, alright?
Jack: I wouldn't. I can't screw it up any worse.
Janet: Don't sell yourself short.

Jack: It's time to toast the bride and groom. To Gloria and Larry, happy days!
Janet: Good times!
Chrissy: Little House on the Prairie!

Jack: What about the cooking? What about Mister Bustamente?
Lucia: Mister Bustamente's a big doomb toorkey!
Jack: Isn't that interesting how some Italian words sound exactly like English.

Chrissy: How do I look, Jack?
Jack: Suzy Chapstick eat your heart out.

Dr. Doreen McMillan: Janet, do you know what I do for a living?
Janet: [holding Doreen's business card] Of course I do! It's right in in black and white: Doreen McMillan the rapist!
Jack: That's therapist!
Roland: She always did have trouble with her reading.

Jack: You know something, Chrissy? You are *the* perfect date.
Chrissy: Why?
Jack: Because no matter what happens, I know you're coming back home with me.

Jack: [re refrigerator not working] Have you ever tried pouring freezing milk over cereal? It's the first time I've ever heard Rice Krispies go snap, crackle and brrr!

Chrissy: [forced labor in Roper's 'garden'] Oh, I just thought of something.
Jack: Huh?
Chrissy: [whines] Maybe there's rats in here.
Jack: Chrissy, there are no *rats* in here.
Chrissy: Oh, good.
Jack: They all got eaten by the snakes.

[about lying to his boss about having a wife]
Jack: Mr. Angelino saw me talking to his daughter and now I have to be married.
Terri: Boy, those Italians sure are strict!

Jack: [re Mrs. Roper] Well, did she say when she was coming back?
Chrissy: Uh-huh. When pigs grow wings.
Chrissy: That could take weeks.

Janet: Darlene is a $100 a night call girl!
Jack: Janet, don't you see I'm talking to my *mother*!
Jack: But I thought she was Miss Einstein!
Janet: So... she's a smart call girl!

Barbara: Would you cook for me sometime?
Jack: Oh, I'd love to cook with you. I mean, cook for you.

Jack: Is something burning?
Janet: Oh NO! I left my underwear in the oven.
Chrissy: Too bad hot pants are not in style.

Jack: You're an archeologist?
Barbara: Yes.
Jack: Are you digging anything now?
Barbara: Yes. You.

Janet: Chrissy. Is that all birdseed?
Chrissy: Oh no. It's half a roast chicken from Mrs. Roper.
Jack: Hey, wait-wait, Chrissy. What happened to the birdseed?
Chrissy: Mr. Roper ate it.

Chrissy: Hey, wait a minute. How come we're doing all the work? What are you gonna pick up?
Jack: Well, if I'm lucky, that little blonde in my pastry class.

Jack: And speaking of current events, did you read the *big* news in the paper this morning?
Chrissy: The May Company is having a huge sale on pantyhose.
Jack: Excuse me, Chrissy, that's not exactly a current event.
Chrissy: It is so, it's going on right now.

Larry: [Clears throat]
[Dictating letter]
Larry: "Dear Sleazebucket,"
Janet: Sleazebucket?
Larry: Would you type?
[Dictating letter]
Larry: It is slime like you that makes this world stink. Only vermin would take advantage of their position to rob innocent people of their outcomes, period. Here's hoping that all the scummy things you've done to others, comma will come back to you ten times over. Your friend, Jack Tripper, today's date.
Jack: Thanks a lot, Larry.
Janet: I'll put in the mail tomorrow morning.
Jack: How did you come up with all that stuff so fast?
Larry: Oh it was easy. I got the same letter down at the used car lot today.

Chrissy: Okay, but I have a date with Elmo. If I'm late, he'll blow his top.
Jack: Don't worry Chrissy.
[taps his temple]
Jack: He has nothing up there that's gonna get hurt in the explosion.

Jack: [barges into the bathroom where his two roommates are putting up a shower curtain] Hi, honeys, I'm home.
Janet: [annoyed] Why didn't you knock first?
Chrissy: Yeah!
Jack: Why?
Chrissy: 'Cause I might not have been decent.
Jack: It's all right. I looked first to make sure.
[smiles]
Chrissy: That's okay then.

Jack: [in drag, and being sought after by his best friend] Larry, you klutz, it's me, Jack!
Larry: [drunken stupor] It is you. So, does this mean Roper was right?

Dr. Prescott: BARK! B, be somebody. A, act like somebody. R, react like somebody. K, collect your rewards!
Jack: Don't "collect" begin with a C?
Dr. Prescott: Yes, Tripper, but then that would spell "BARC".

Jack: Oh, my goodness, look at how late it is getting.
Susan: Oh, Jack, I've missed you.
Jack: You missed me?
Susan: Oh, yes.
[shakes her head]
Susan: I should never have let you run away from me like that.
Jack: Funny, I always thought you were the one who left.
Susan: [baby-talks] You didn't forget me, did you?
Jack: [baby-talks back] How could I forget you?
[wistfully: ]
Jack: Oh, when I think of you flying everywhere, over the land and sea,
[glances over her ample cleavage]
Jack: those hills and valleys...
Susan: Oh, Jack, I wanna fly with you...!

[last lines]
Janet: We practically called Chrissy a thief, and she's not even mad at us. You know, you're so understanding.
Chrissy: Yeah. Well, I'll tell you why.
Janet: Why?
Chrissy: Well, one day when I was in the fourth grade I sat down and there was a tack in my chair.
Jack: I don't see your point.
Chrissy: I didn't neither.
[laughs]
Chrissy: To get even, after school, I pushed Tommy Dallas into a mud puddle.
Janet: Oh, because he was the one who put that tack on your chair?
Chrissy: No, it wasn't him. It was someone else. It's so simple, don't you understand?
[they look at her nonplussed]
Chrissy: You see, I did something to someone who turned out to be what he wasn't because I thought he did something that he didn't.
Jack: [in weird little boy voice] Some day I'm going to kill you, Chrissy.
Janet: Jack...
Jack: No, I'm just... Don't worry about it, Chrissy. Hey, that scar you got from the tack is hardly noticeable.
Chrissy: [on her high horse] How do you know?
Janet: Yeah! How do you know?
Jack: You're forgetting today I was painting outside your bedroom window.
Janet: Jack, you...
Jack: By the way, Janet, that's a lovely birthmark you've got on your...
[she chases him out]

Lana: [heard they're moving] I hope it's not very far. I mean, we were just getting close.
Jack: Actually, you were getting close. I was just trying to get away.

Janet: We're trying to come up with a song that would be just right for the Ropers' marriage.
Jack: How about 'Strangers In The Night'?

Jack: It's time to toast the bride and groom.
Janet: OK.
Jack: To Gloria and Larry. Happy days.
Janet: Good times.
Chrissy: Little house on the prairie!

Jack: Did that Indian giver really take his money back?
Chrissy: Jack, that's uncalled for. What a *terrible* way to talk about Rama Mageesh.
Jack: I just wanna find out...
Chrissy: You should never joke about things you don't understand tlll you understand them, and even then you shouldn't joke about them because *you don't understand.* Understand?
[out the room]
Janet: [to Jack] Nice going.
Jack: What did I do?

Jack: Mr. Roper, you didn't tell me there was another woman!
Stanley: This isn't a woman, this is Mrs. Dawson!
Chrissy: Oh! She's married!
Janet: Chrissy, I wonder if her husband knows!
Chrissy: Of course he knows, he must have been at the wedding!

Jack: It was nice meeting you, Denise.
Larry: Dorothy!
Diane: Diane.

Jack: [to J.C. Braddock] If you'll excuse me, I've got to go beat my mousse!
[rushes off]

Jack: You are the proud owner of 1637 hurt me dollars.
Chrissy: Oh. shrieks
Janet: I think that finally got her.

Jack: [to amorous Mrs. Bustamente:] Hang on one second, will ya?
[pops out of the kitchen]
Jack: Chrissy! Why didn't you come in here to help me?
Chrissy: You said to come when you were in trouble. It sounded like you were having a ball!

Terri: I just felt sorry for you!
Jack: Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me?
Janet: Oh, lots of reasons.

Janet: I'd like just 10 minutes alone with that Doug.
Jack: Please Janet, one pregnant roommate is enough.

Cindy: Still, I'm glad to see my luck hasn't changed.
Janet: What do you mean?
Cindy: Well, back home, I used to play second fiddle to Chrissy because she was so beautiful. I finally leave home only to have a gorgeous roommate.
Janet: [totally flattered] Well, we hope you'll be very happy here.
Jack: [appearing in the bedroom door] Janet, can I speak to you for a second?
Jack: [in the living room] How long is she staying here?
Janet: As long as she likes.
[returns to Cindy]
Jack: [camera zoom in] What?

Jack: Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth?
Larry: Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.

Jack: Oh, what a relief. I'm free, I'm free at last.
Chrissy: Well, let's get out of here. People are starting to look at you queerly.
Janet: [hastily correcting] Strangely, Chrissy.

Chrissy: Jack, that smells good.
Jack: Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet.
Chrissy: Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.