The Best Colonel Sitzer Quotes

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after General Burkhalter slammed an object against his desk that woke him up] Oh! General Burkhalter! What a pleasure! I was so deep in thought, I didn't realize...
General: Klink, this is Colonel Sitzer.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: It's a pleasure. And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? Not that there needs be any reason.
Colonel: I am with the Ministry Propaganda.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, that's a wonderful branch of the service. Oh, what a charm you people are. I've always said, "You people are doing more to end this war than anyone else."
Colonel: Colonel Klink, we have been looking at your records very carefully.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I can explain that. That's not my fault. Although technically, I was in charge of all the money at the Officers' Club, Lieutenant Kleinmisner also had a key, and he...
General: Klink! Colonel Sitzer is talking about your perfect record in the camp.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: He is?
General: Yes. What are you talking about?
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Was I talking about something? I don't remember what it was.
Colonel: We believe what you have done deserves public recognition.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: I was only doing my duty. Naturally, I'm flattered. And I hope that others will be inspired by my example.
General: We are not doing it for you, Klink. It is for the propaganda value.
Colonel: You'll be presented with an award on the National Radio Hookup.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: An award? For me? Let me say, sir, I accept it with the deepest of humility.
Colonel: We want you to keep it a secret until the presentation. That way we will get the full impact on public opinion.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, you have nothing to worry about, sir. My lips are sealed. I won't say a word. A secret is sacred to me. Wild horses and torture could not drag one syllable out of me. If there's one thing I'm not, it's a talker...
General: I must admit, if there is anything more outstanding than your humility, it's your golden silence.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thank you, General Burkhalter.
Colonel: I think we better be getting back to town.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, I'll have the car brought around right away. Oh, uh, sir, I was wondering if you...
Colonel: You will receive the reward in about a week. In the meantime, remember, it's a secret.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: You can depend on me. Absolute silence.
General: The car, Klink.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: The car, sir. Yes, the car.
[leaves the office]
Colonel: Are you sure no prisoner has ever escaped from him?
General: Don't look at me. I don't understand it either.

Colonel: [after hearing the run-down of the latest propaganda broadcast, sighing] It's the same dull stuff we've been doing. I wish we had something different, some kind of a surprise.
Leslie: What if we told them the truth about the Eastern Front?
Colonel: [snorts] I said surprise, not shock.