20 Best Axel Foley Quotes

Axel: We gotta talk!
[about Rosewood's affinity for weapons]

Axel: Hey, man! Take off your glasses. I thought that was you, man! You *almost* got busted, I *did* get busted. I lost my whole investment because of you. Vinnie, what the hell is wrong with you, man? You know I'm a businessman. I got to work!
Vinnie: What?
Axel: You come inside here a half hour late, and on top of all that you gonna bring the goddamn cop with you, too?
Vinnie: What you talking cop? He ain't no cop!
Axel: That's Dirty Harry himself! Man, what the fuck is wrong with you gonna bring him in here?
Carlotta: You calling me a cop?
Axel: You definitely a cop!
Vinnie: He ain't no cop, he's my nephew.
Axel: Well, the dude is definitely bad luck. I don't know what he is to you; he's bad luck to me.
Carlotta: Bad luck? I'll fuckin' tell you what's bad luck. My friend's in a prison body shop fixin' all the cars that he smashed that day 'cause you had to fuck around. This guy's a fuckin' clown.
Axel: Hey, what is- Wait a second.
Carlotta: What the fucking cock you tryin' to get away with?
Axel: I'm checking you for a wire, man.
Carlotta: Get fuckin' outta here.
Vinnie: Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Axel: Why can't I check ya?
Vinnie: [speaking at the same time] Ho, ho, ho! Stop the bullshit. Stop the bullshit! Stop this bullshit. Cut the bullshit. Cut the bullshit right now. Cut the bullshit, man.
Axel: If he ain't a cop, if he ain't wired, why can't I- why can't I frisk him? Why can't- Why won't he let me frisk him, then? Then why can't I frisk him if he ain't got no wire on?
Vinnie: Look, I got 2000 blank American Express cards, right now. Gold. You got the money, you wanna do business or what?
Axel: I have the money and I *do* wanna do business, but with *you*. I ain't doing nothing in front of this dude, 'cause this dude is a cop. I know when I can smell a pig inside the room. I used to be a Muslim, man. And I know that's pork over here. And th...
[sniffs]
Axel: Yes, pork! It's definitely pork. I ain't doin' shit around this dude, man. You wanna do business, you know where to find me. Fuck you, man. Allahu Akbar.

Axel: You just hit a squad car!
Billy: I know, I know. It's okay, I know the guy. He's a jerk.

Axel: [about Lutz, who's just been fired by Mayor Egan] Is he a civilian now?
Mayor: Yes.
Axel: [yelling at Lutz] I'm gonna kick yo' ass later!

Axel: [about the cement truck Billy got for a pursuit] Well, this is pretty sporty!
Billy: Don't complain! It's all I could find!

Axel: Are you driving with your eyes open? Or are you, like, using "the force"?

Axel: [Upon entering the pool area on the Playboy mansion] Jesus Christ!
[Then to his crotch]
Axel: Wake up! This is what we've always talked about! Look alive! You may never see it again!
[to Billy and Taggert as he takes a large step]
Axel: I don't wanna step on your tongues, excuse me.

[Rosewood runs a red light]
Sergeant: It's red!
Billy: It's green!
[He hits another car]
Billy: Oh, yeah, it was red. Okay.
Axel: It was yellow!

Axel: My truck. Here's $50. Put it next to a limo.

Axel: Hey! Sound the alarm. You got a break-in!
City: I need authorization.
[Axel and Bill pull their guns and shoot the alarm]
Axel: Authorized!

Axel: Oh, you mean the construction that's going on. Yes, I'm very embarrassed about that. What I'm trying to do, though, is just confine myself to the other five bedrooms. I'm used to compromising my lifestyle.
Sergeant: Bullshit! You've stolen this house!
Axel: How the fuck can you steal a house? This...my uncle's house!

Sidney: [on the phone] Naturally. I can see- Yeah, yeah. I mean I-I understand. Somebody- W-wait-
[off the phone]
Sidney: Oh, oh, oh. Come right in. Don't let the fact that my door's closed dissuade you in any way from entering my office.
Axel: Sir, we're with the Beverly Hills Police Department. Are you Mr. Sidney Bernstein?
Sidney: Yes. Lucky guess.
Axel: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, we have a warrant for your arrest.
Sidney: 25? What 25?
Axel: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets, sir.
Sidney: I-I pay my tickets. I pay - I pay all my tickets.
Axel: Sir, do you own a Black Mercedes-Benz, License Plates number CRL-507?
Sidney: 507? That's my wife's car! That's not my car! That's my-
Axel: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets.
Sidney: I mean, it's under my name. But, it's my wife's car! No! No! No!
[picks up phone; yells]
Sidney: Bitch!
Axel: Your tickets have not been paid, that means you're liable.
[to Taggart & Rosewood]
Axel: Can you cuff Mr. Bernstein, please?
Sidney: Cuff me? There are people out there with chainsaws, you're cuffing me!
Axel: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, and it's your car. So, we have to take you in.
Sidney: Wait a second, I've got an idea. Is there something that I have in this office that I could hand to you, and that would make you kind of forget that you're holding those, uh, little pink tickets there?

Harold: Who the hell are you?
Axel: Uh, my name is Johnny Wish-Wishbone. Johnny Wishbone. And I am a psychic from the island of St. Croix. Yes, I am psychic from the island of St. Croix. And I read in the St. Croix Gazette that the Beverly Hills Police Department having some trouble figuring out crimes. So, what I did was come to Beverly Hills to help the police out. They tell me they don't want my help, they don't *need* my help, so I'm gonna go on my merry way. I'm a psychic! I am a psychic phenomenon. Watch this. I don't know who you are, but watch this. Ummm... Your name is, ummmm, Lutz! Right? Chief Lutz. That's your name. See? The name pop inside my head like that. And your name is, ummmmm, ummmmm...
Biddle: Biddle?
Axel: Biddle! Yes, see? I- You- Two more seconds I would have said it myself. I don't need no help from no one, because I'm Johnny Wishbone, psychic extraordinaire. And if you need me, just think "Johnny Wishbone" and I come running. Lutz and Biddle, it's like Kibbles n' Bits, but different.

Axel: Inspector T, how you doin'?
Inspector: Where the fuck you been, Foley? And what the fuck is this?
Axel: It's a blue slip.
Inspector: Wh-what in the hell do you need a thousand dollars for?
Axel: A little flash money.
Inspector: Flash money. Well, let's see here - $2,000 for a suit, $200 for a tie, a requisition order for a Ferrari. I'm don't wanna see any more of these blue slips. When am I gonna see some arrest slips?
Axel: I know that you're getting' upset. And I know that you have reason to be upset. But let me tell you something, chief. I am close, I am so close now. I'm closer than I've been, and it-it's makin' me crazy. 'Cause I can smell it, it's in the air. And I smell it. It's
[sniffs]
Axel: I sm- Do you smell it? 'Cause I smell it.
Inspector: All I smell is your bullshit. For six months, I been pourin' money down a bottomless hole. Where the bad guys at the end of this rainbow?
Axel: Wait a second, look. I just thought, that if there was a problem...
Inspector: Don't think, Axel! It makes my dick itch. The truth is, this department has fronted you a fortune. And my ass is on the line. I okayed all this shit!

[Axel sees Rosewood with a huge pistol]
Axel: Yo, man! What's that for?
Billy: After the shootout at the club, I figured I needed more firepower.
Axel: Yo man, we gotta talk, seriously. Who do you think you are, Clint Eastwood? Dirty Rosewood?

Axel: 24 hours a day I will be in the car. I will sleep, eat, drink, shit. I will- No, I ain't gonna shit.
[laughs]
Axel: You thought I was gonna really shit. I wouldn't- Wh-what would I look like shitting in the car? I ain't gonna shit. Don't worry about a thing, though. I am on the job. Don't worry about a thing. I'm on the job!
Inspector: THAT'S what I'm afraid of!

[last lines]
Sergeant: Anything we can do for you?
Axel: [handing Taggart house keys] Yeah. Why don't you take care of my uncle's house till he gets back?
Billy: Hey, Axel, that's not really your uncle's house, is it?
Axel: Oh, yeah. Trust me.
[as Axel starts to drive off, the real homeowners walk up to Taggart and Billy]
Mr. Anderson: All right, what the hell is going on here? Who are you guys? Who's that black guy?
[Taggart and Billy look at Axel. Axel stops and looks back, grinning]

Mayor: Lutz I think I've just had it with your abusive attitude.
Harold: i'm sorry I get carried away I'm sorry.
Mayor: You're fired. I want you out of here. GET OUT OF HERE FIRED!
Harold: You'll regret this Ted.
Mayor: I've regreted it for the last 2 months. Biddle you're fired too.
Biddle: Hey I didn't do anything.
Mayor: Well you get out! GET OUT!
Axel: Are they civilians now?
Mayor: You bet.
Axel: I'm gonna kick your ass later!

Sergeant: Do I really look like Gerald Ford?
Axel: Y'all both look like Gerald Ford!

Axel: [to Rosewood and Taggart] "If you get your head out of your ass long enough"? "Kiss my ass"? You're gettin' more and more like me every day. Next thing you know you're gonna have Afros... big dicks and all!