The Best Bernie Hayes Quotes

[Walter gets abruptly killed mid-monologue]
Bernie: It's unfair. I really wanted to hear the rest of that speech.

Bernie: I thought you said you were a hacker!
Josh: I said I took an HTML course at summer camp.
Bernie: HTML?
Josh: Yes, at summer camp.

Bernie: APEX What Have You Done?

Bernie: [with a bad attempt at an Asian accent] No! I don't - I - I - I got your faces. I - I contact authorities. Yes!
Josh: For knocking on a door?
Bernie: Yeah... no, no!
Madison: Bernie, you don't trust the authorities!

Bernie: If this wasn't contributing to world destruction, this would be a great DJ booth.

Bernie: Hello, loyal listeners. Welcome to TTP, Titan Truth Podcast. Episode number 245. Today is the day. Maybe the last podcast I ever record. And look, I know I said that last week and maybe the week before and a few other times. But, look, this is the point. After five years of deep cover at Apex Cybernetics, I'm finally taking my shot. Something bad is going on here. I don't know what it is, but I'm about to walk in and download hard evidence and expose a vast corporate conspiracy. Yeah, you can call me a whistleblower, but I ain't just whistling. I mean, this is more than a leak. It's a flood. And believe me, this flood is gonna wash away all of Apex's lies. You can believe that.

Bernie: You mean I gotta die with you SOBER?

Bernie: Welcome back, loyal listeners, to Titan Truth Podcast, episode 246. Oh, my God. I was there. Godzilla's Apex attack. I saw it go down! You think it's a coincidence that he reappears and just so happens to destroy that specific facility? Ha-ha, no, no, no, no. No such thing as coincidence.

Bernie: Before we go any further, I've got one question, tap or no tap?
Madison: No tap.
Josh: Excuse me, what is tap?
Bernie: Water. They put fluoride in it, learned it from the Nazis.
Madison: Theory is it makes you docile, easy to manipulate .
Josh: Oh, I drink tap water.
Bernie: Yeah, I kinda figured that but she does the thinking for both of you so it should be alright.

Bernie: [an Apex employee was about to eat an apple] No, don't eat that! It's incredibly unhealthy. It's just all the GMOs. Growing a second head could be useful. You have to let me know. Because me, myself? I can barely handle the one I got.

Josh: How Far Down Does It Go?
Bernie: [direct] Down To Hell...
[now seriously]
Bernie: Straight Down To Hell

Bernie: Is that a password?
Josh: I don't know! I'm not used to this. I'm used to pirating movies online.