The Best Cheryl's Father Quotes

Cheryl's: Fellatio! Cunnilingus! French kissing. Rimjob.

Cheryl's: This is a nail. I bought this on the internet; it's from "The Passion Of The Christ".
Larry: What are you, kidding?
Cheryl's: No. Kind of interesting...
Larry: Is that one of those Christ nails from the movie?
Cheryl's: Mm-hmm, yeah. Have you seen it?
Larry: [patronizingly] I *didn't* see it. I *missed* "The Passion Of The Christ"...
Cheryl's: Alright, you must... we have it on DVD...
Larry: *Wish* I could have gone.
Cheryl's: They have all kinds of things on the internet, you know, for "The Passion Of The Christ".
Larry: You're nuts about this Jesus guy, aren't you?
Cheryl's: Yeah. Well, I have a personal relationship with Christ.
Larry: Really? See, I could see worshipping Jesus if he were a girl, like if God had a daughter... Jane. I'll worship a Jane. But, you know, to worship a guy... like a little kinda, you know, it's a little gay, isn't it?
Cheryl: Uh, okay.
Cheryl's: The Son of God! What's the matter with you?
Cheryl: Dad...
Larry: No, I'm just saying, a girl...
Cheryl: Larry...
Larry: I would worship Jane, if he had a daughter Jane, I could have a relationship with a Jane.
Cheryl's: He didn't have a daughter!
Larry: It's a shame it wasn't a girl. That's all I have to say.
Cheryl's: [disgusted] Uh!
Larry: Good looking... zaftig... good sense of humor...
Cheryl: [exasperated] *Okay*, that's fine.
Larry: ...if he had a daughter, everybody, EVERYBODY would worship Jane. That's all I'm saying.

[Larry accidentally eats decorative manger scene cookies]
Becky: You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary.
Larry: I thought they were animal cookies.
Cheryl's: Animal Cookies? What, are you kidding me?
Becky: Jesus Christ is not an animal.
Larry: I thought he was a monkey.
Cheryl's: A monkey? Oh, please.
Cheryl's: Larry, have you no shame?
Becky: The Son of God is not a monkey, Larry.

Larry: What?
[Cheryl's family is glaring at Larry]
Larry: What?
Cheryl: What? We got the paper, that's what.
[slaps aunt's obit into his hands]
Cheryl's: Devoted sister, beloved CUNT? Huh? That's what you put in the paper?
[Cheryl's mother cries out in anguish]
Larry: [looking at obit] Oh God... this is a typo! That's *aunt*, that should be AUNT!
Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
Larry: No, they have proofreaders at these places!
Cheryl's: The woman lives a decent life and this is how she ends up? Beloved *cunt?* My wife is upset! I'm just glad you weren't in charge of the headstone!

Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
[the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
Larry: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
Larry: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
Jeff: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
Michael: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Restaurant: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!
Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!
Susie: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
Cheryl's: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
Richard: Pussy pig fucker!
Jeff: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]