20 Best Susie Essman Quotes

Susie: Fuck you Larry, this is bullshit motherfucker. You are such a bald asshole I can't believe it.
Loretta: [coming downstairs] Who the FUCK do you think you're talking to? Nobody talks to my man like that. You better get your ass out of my house. You fucking bitch!
Larry: [waving] goodbye!

Susie: [shows Larry a gawdy, sequined shirt she has made] Now, is this cute? I mean how much fun is this? Huh? Great, right?
Larry: You know, it's nice.
Susie: Yeah.
Larry: Not quite my cup of tea, but... y'know, uh, it's nice.
Susie: All right, you know what? Fuck you... and fuck your tea.

Susie: You four-eyed fuck.

Cheryl: [during the orgy of cursing has broken out] Ya goddamn motherfucking bitch!
Susie: [Susie, misinterpreting Cheryl's words for her] FUCK YOU, ya car-wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!
[leaves angrily]

Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
[the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
Larry: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
Larry: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
Jeff: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
Michael: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Restaurant: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!
Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!
Susie: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
Cheryl's: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
Richard: Pussy pig fucker!
Jeff: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]

Susie: All is forgiven! Everything you've ever done, every horrible thing you've done to me is forgiven for this!
Larry: What are you talking about? What have I done?

Susie: [Larry steals the head of a doll from Jeff's daughter's collection] You fat fuck! And you bald piece of shit! Where's the fucking head?

Susie: My grandmother, okay - may she rest in peace - entrusted that brownie recipe to me and you're asking me to break a sacred confidence.
Larry: It's not the Manhatten Project, you know. It's just a little... .a recipe!

Klaus: [Panting] We need to get the fuck out of here!
Del: I take you into my townhouse, and this is how you repay me?
Mrs. Lonstein: It's not my fault, Del!
[Tearfully]
Mrs. Lonstein: It was the basement!
Steve: What did you *do*?
Klaus: Phew, thought this was a goner. All right. Let's beat it before security gets here.
Del: [Tearfully] You ruined it! You ruined it when you sat on that fish's face!
Snot: What's happening, Steve? !
[Sobs]
Klaus: Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook! Let's keep it simple.

Susie: [after discovering that Larry and Jeff stole the head from her daughter's doll] You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get the head!
Jeff: [later] Boy, I did not need that.

Cheryl: Okay, you know what? I think my friend Julie was just saying that the Beverly Park Country Club might be taking new members.
Susie: Ah, eh...
Larry: It's... pretty.
Cheryl: I think they're taking new members, and it's a beautiful country club...
Susie: All right, look, I don't want to offend you, but there's like three fuckin' Jews in the whole club, okay? It's not for us. It's WASP, WASP, Republican city...
Cheryl: Okay, you know what? I fit in with you guys all the time, for years I've been going to your thing, so...
Larry: How am I even gonna get by in the interview?
Susie: [points at Larry] This one would stick out like a sore fuckin' thumb, this Jewface over here.
Larry: Oh, I'm more of a Jewface than *you*?
Susie: Hey, fuck you, Larry, okay? I didn't get us into this predicament!
Larry: I'm much more gentiley than you are!

Mrs. Lonstein: Eveything okay down here? Oh, you turned this into a darling little rumpus room.
Klaus: Yeah, it's pretty sick.
Mrs. Lonstein: Gosh, I haven't been in a basement like this since high school.
Mrs. Lonstein: [Journey's "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" plays on the jukebox] Ooh, this song. It really takes me back. Did I ever tell you about the summer I went on tour with a Journey cover band?
Klaus: This is literally the first time we've met.
Mrs. Lonstein: Mmm, air hockey?
Klaus: No thanks. I don't feel like playing.
Mrs. Lonstein: [seductively] Aw, you're gonna make me play with myself?
[climbs on air hockey table, hits air conditioning which blows her skirt]
Klaus: Oh, no. The basement has her. Listen to me. We must leave this place right now!
[Mrs Lonstein flips the puck knocking Klaus' bowl towards her blowing skirt, sending him under]
Klaus: Oh, boy.

Susie: You sick fuck Larry David. What the fuck do you think you're doing getting my kid drunk?
Larry: Drunk? What do you...
Susie: She's sluring her words, she's bumping into things, she stinks like a fucking rhino!
Larry: Oh! I poured some wine- and she must've
Susie: Oh! She must have accidentally. A seven year old, drank some wine?
Larry: The glasses! They must have gotten mixed up!
Susie: Do I look like a fucking idiot to you that I'm gonna believe that shit? You got her drunk and stood the fucking dog. Alright?
Larry: No! She- She said I could- have the dog.
Susie: She told you you could have the dog after you had her all fucked up on alcohol! All liquored up!
Larry: I thought It was- a speech Impediment.
Susie: You've known the kid since she was born and she suddenly developed a speech impediment?
Larry: That's what I found so confusing.
Susie: Alright, listen you four eyed fuck. She's at home, hysterical! That her dog is missing- I don't what you did with him, whether you took him to a charity , or some animal testing, you sicko, fucko, asshole.
[Larry gets in the car]
Susie: Get me the fucking dog!

Susie: Okay Larry you don't want the tour? Get the fuck out of my house.

Susie: [after Larry gets them kicked out of their country club, Cheryl suggests a new one] All right. I don't want to offend you, but there's like three fucking Jews in that whole club. OK? It's not for us. It's WASP, WASP, Republican city.
[points to Larry]
Susie: This one would stick out like a sore fucking thumb. This Jew face over here.

Susie: And I'm not a meeskite, you bald fuck!

Susie: [Greg has just given her a pillow sham with a swastika stitched on it] What the... What? Where did you learn about this symbol?
Greg: Larry taught me how to make a swastika.
[Larry shakes his head in horror]
Greg: He wrote it on a piece of paper.
Larry: [nervously] Greg... No, I...
Greg: He was drawing, like, this evil man who hated Jews. What was his name again, Larry?
Larry: [panicking] Hitler?
Greg: [brightly] Hitler! Yeah, Hitler.
Susie: Larry taught you how to make this?
Larry: No, I was...
Jennifer: [to Larry] You taught him how to make a swastika?
Larry: No, I was doodling...
Susie: [enraged] What the hell are you thinking?
Larry: [backs away, desperately trying to defend himself] I was doodling! I was just doodling!
Susie: On a PILLOW SHAM? You think this is an appropriate symbol to be petty-pointing on a pillow?
[inadvertently walks right into the path of an approaching biker]
Jeff: SUSIE, LOOK OUT!
[shoves the screaming Susie out of the way, and the biker accidentally crashes into Jeff. Greg screams]

Susie: Do you respect wood, Susie?
Susie: Ehh yes, I do respect wood. Why?
Larry: You've demonstrated a consistent lack of respect for wood as I se it.

Harley: He broke every promise he ever made!
Sharon: And he apologized for that and made a whole bunch of new ones.

Susie: What is that, Lar?
Larry: [hands Susie bread] Enjoy.
Susie: This is what you bring?
Larry: It's Italian bread.
Susie: Yeah but this doesn't go with my menu. You don't know what I'm serving. Don't impose your desires on my whole cuisine!