The Best Colonel Fitts Quotes

Jim: Hello! We're your neighbors from two doors down and we just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood!
[hands the Colonel a gift basket]
Jim: Everything's from our garden, except for the pasta.
Jim: Yes, it's from Fizzoli's, it's amazingly fresh, you just pop it in water and it's done! I'm Jim Olmeyer.
[shakes the Colonel's hand]
Jim: And this is my partner Jim.
Jim: Jim Berkely, but people call me J.B.
[extends his hand to shake]
Colonel: Ah, let's just cut to it, what are you selling?
Jim: Nothing, we just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.
Colonel: You said you're partners, so, uh what's your business?
Jim: Well, he's a tax attorney.
Jim: And he's an anesthesiologist.

Colonel: Where did you get that?
Ricky: From my job.
Colonel: Don't lie to me. Now, I saw you with him.
Ricky: You were watching me?
Colonel: What did he make you do?
Ricky: Oh, Dad, you don't really think that me and Mr. Burnham were...
Colonel: Don't you laugh at me. Now, I will not sit back and watch my only son become a cock-sucker!
Ricky: Jesus, what is it with you?
Colonel: I swear to God, I will throw you out of the house and never look at you again!
Ricky: You mean that?
Colonel: You're damn straight I do. I'd rather you were dead than be a fuckin' faggot.
Ricky: You're right. I suck dick for money.
Colonel: Boy, don't start.
Ricky: Two thousand dollars - I'm that good.
Colonel: Get out!
Ricky: And you should see me fuck. I'm the best piece of ass in three States.
Colonel: Get out. I don't ever want to see you again!
Ricky: What a sad old man you are.