The Best Einhorn Quotes

Lois: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

Lois: We'll find the porpoise.
Ace: [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.

[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]
Ace: [begging] Don't kill me. Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear. He's the one you want, kill him!
Dan: No, no kill him.
Ace: No kill him. He held the ball, remember? Come on, look at the guy.
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]
Dan: Cry-baby.
Ace: Jock.
Dan: Whimp.
Ace: Muscle-head.
Lois: SHUT UP.

Lois: [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers] Shoot him! Shoot him!
Emilio: [offscreen] Hold your fire!
[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]
Emilio: Don't shoot!
Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!
[cocks revolver]
Emilio: She's not joking!
Lois: [ignoring them] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!
Ace: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up professional football's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.
[takes deep breath]
Ace: What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top of a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed the entire thing!
[takes another deep, relief breath]
Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?
Ace: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.
Lois: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

Lois: What would you know about pressure?
Ace: Well, I have kissed a man.

[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace: Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Lois: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.
Ace: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

Lois: And somebody get me some coffee!
Ace: Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.