50 Best Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Quotes

[coming out of the men's room, all wet with his clothes torn]
Ace: Do *not* go in there! Pheeww!

Ace: That's a lovely dog you have there Sir. Mind if I pet him?
Man: I don't give a rat's ass.
Ace: Alllrighty then.

Ace: [has been trying to figure out a connection between Lt. Lois Einhorn and football player Ray Finkle, when he sees his dog's fur overlapping Finkle's hair in a photo] What the... That's it! Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man!
[Ace remembers how Einhorn kissed him and the pieces fall into place]
Ace: Oh, my GOD! Einhorn is a man!
[Ace heads to the bathroom to throw up]

Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
Ace: Yeah? And you're ugly.

Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace: If it gets cold enough.

[Ace Ventura just got his car started]
Ace: It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE.

Dan: Hey Ace?
Ace: Yeah, Dan?
Dan: You got anymore of that gum?
Ace: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
Dan: You're a weird guy, Ace. A weird guy.

[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]
Ace: [begging] Don't kill me. Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear. He's the one you want, kill him!
Dan: No, no kill him.
Ace: No kill him. He held the ball, remember? Come on, look at the guy.
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]
Dan: Cry-baby.
Ace: Jock.
Dan: Whimp.
Ace: Muscle-head.
Lois: SHUT UP.

[repeated line]
Ace: LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER!

[mimicking Sean Connery]
Ace: Lovely party. Pity I wasn't invited.

Ace: WOW., Ray Finkle's house, I can't wait to meet him
Mr. Finkle: Ray ain't coming home
Ace: But your wife said you expect him home any minute
Mr. Finkle: She expects him home any minute, see the engine's running but there's nobody behind the wheel. Eight years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa, and they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.

Melissa: Have you ever heard of FAN?
Ace: Free Animals Now. Started in 1982, by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist Fisher Gamble. Over half a million members from Florida to Finland. No. Who are they?

Ace: Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom.
[whispering loudly]
Ace: I think it's the pâté.
Ronald: Sure, right over there.
Ace: Thanks! Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?

Melissa: That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment.
Ace: You don't have to tell me. I was there.

Sexy: [after Ace has returned her dog] Thank you Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
Ace: Well, a reward would be good. There is some damage to my car. It's a high performance machine, so I have to fill it with premium...
[she cuts him off with a deep kiss]
Sexy: Wouldn't you like me to take your pants off instead?
Ace: [Pretends as if it's a tough choice] Gee, let me think. Um, sure!

[Melissa and Ace are reading news clippings about Ray Finkle]
Melissa: "Replacement Kicker Having a Great Year." "Ready For Super Bowl, All-Star Kicker Boasts."
Ace: "Field Goal Sails Wide. Dolphins Lose Super Bowl."
Melissa: The "Kick Heard Round The World." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.
[Ace lets out an impressed whistle. Melissa flips to the next clipping, with a headline that reads "Finkle Contract Not Renewed."]
Melissa: Poor guy.
Ace: Poor guy with a motive, baby.

[last lines]
Announcer: The National Football League would like to extend a special thank-you to the man who rescued Dan Marino, and our beloved Snowflake...
[a shot of Ace appears on the giant screen, beating the crap out of the mascot in the bird suit]
Announcer: ...a great humanitarian, and lover of all animals, Mr. Ace Ventura!

Ace: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head]
Ace: ...and a clean pair of shorts.

Lois: We'll find the porpoise.
Ace: [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.

Ace: No problem, it gets flooded, we'll just wait a few seconds.
[suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the windshield with a baseball bat]
Ace: Or we could try it now.

Melissa: Ace, get out of the tank.
Ace: [talking like Scotty from Star Trek] I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power.
Melissa: I said, get out of the tank now!
Ace: For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!

Lois: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.
Ace: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

Ace: [with a German accent] How can I be getting zis vork done wit all de shouting? Control de shouting?
Reporter: Who's That?
Ace: Heinz Getwellvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me.
Reporter: What happened to the *regular* trainer?
Ace: Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am wit Siegfried.
[he holds up only four fingers]
Ace: Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming wit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm gone.
Reporter: [skeptically] Where is Snowflake?
Ace: Why do you care about Snowflake? Do you know him? Does he call you at home?
[shouts]
Ace: Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin's head. I am saying to Snowflake, "Akay!... Akay Akay Akay?" und he is saying "AKay Akay!" und he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" und you can quote him!
[Ace spits]
Roger: Alright, it's almost time for Coach Shula's press confrence, uh, lets let Heinz do his work?
Ace: [shooing reporters] Go to de conference, go to it.

Lois: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

[Ace Ventura is trying to get his car started, while looking at somebody smashing it with a bat in his mirror]
Ace: Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.

Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
Ace: Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

Melissa: I swear if you do anything to embarass me in front of Camp...
Ace: What? Like this?
[makes weird noises, doorman answers the door]
Ace: Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!

Riddle: [angry] How in the hell do you lose a five hundred pound fish?
[Melissa wants to say something]
Riddle: What?
Melissa: I'm sorry sir, I was just going to say, that it's not a fish, it's a mammal.
Riddle: Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.

Ace: [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER.

Ace: [bending over and talking from his behind] Excuse me. I'd like to "ass" you a few questions.
Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn come down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

Lois: And somebody get me some coffee!
Ace: Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.

Ace: This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie]
Ace: I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.

Melissa: [in her office, she is showing Ace a video of the halftime routine performed by their missing mascot, Snowflake. She sees Ace chewing on either birdseeds or sunflower seeds, and spreading the leftovers in a neat pile on her desk] Would you like an ashtray?
Ace: Hmm-mmm. I don't smoke. It's a disgusting habit.

Ace: I have to have money to buy food. I have to have a dolphin to get the money. I don't see a dolphin around here, do you?

Lois: [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers] Shoot him! Shoot him!
Emilio: [offscreen] Hold your fire!
[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]
Emilio: Don't shoot!
Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!
[cocks revolver]
Emilio: She's not joking!
Lois: [ignoring them] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!
Ace: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up professional football's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.
[takes deep breath]
Ace: What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top of a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed the entire thing!
[takes another deep, relief breath]
Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?
Ace: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.
Lois: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

Lois: What would you know about pressure?
Ace: Well, I have kissed a man.

Ace: [to Shickadance] Wanna take a look inside? C'mon. C'mon!
[he shakes his keys acting like they're stuck. The door opens. Ace enters]
Ace: Go ahead. Snoop around!
[Mr. Shickadance enters, looks around and sniffs]
Ace: Well? Are you satisfied?
Mr. Shickadance: Just don't let me catch you with an animal here, that's all.
Ace: All right! Take care now! Bye-bye, then!
[slams door in front of Mr. Shickadance's face]
Ace: L-oser!

Ronald: Who is he, a friend?
Melissa: No, this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ronald: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?"
Melissa: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Ace: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ronald: [nervously] Very, very well, thank you.

Man: [aggressively] What do you want?
Ace: HDS, sir, and how are you this afternoon? All righty, then. I have a package for you.
Man: Sounds broken.
Ace: Most likely, sir. I'll bet it was something nice, though.

[Aguado stomps on a cockroach to provoke Ventura]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
[everyone laughs]
Ace: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK, and became insanely jealous.
[everybody "oohs"]
Ace: Then I'd lose 30 pounds... porkin' his wife!
Aguado: Why you...!
[Aguado charges Ace, but Ace makes him do a face-plant that ends with his face just an inch or so from the dead bug]
Ace: Now, kiss and make up.

Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air]
Ace: Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American.
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace: No sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.

Melissa: Ace, Where are you?
Ace: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.

[Ace is standing in front of Lois who's in her underwear]
Ace: My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!
[turns Lois around to reveal a bulge in her nether regions]
Ace: *That's* why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!
[all the men in the vicinity start throwing up because Einhorn has kissed them]

Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?

Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa.
Ace: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura...
[coughs in Ace's face]
Mr. Shickadance: ... you owe me rent.
Ace: Mr. Shickadance, I told you, you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out. Look at that.
[shows him a flyer]
Ace: That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin' scratchin' around.
Ace: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah? What's all this pet food for?
Ace: Fiber.

Ace: Once you get inside my head, there's no turning back baby.

Ace: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

Ace: [Ace executes a perfect 180-degree slide to parallel park his car] Like a glove!

[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace: Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Ace: I'm ready to go in, coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot of riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind.
Ace: [Hops up] I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern, super slo-mo.
[Gestures and makes sounds of a slow-motion picture and stops]
Ace: Let's see that in an instant replay.
[Does a reverse playback sound and gesture]