The Best Melissa Quotes

Melissa: That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment.
Ace: You don't have to tell me. I was there.

Melissa: [in her office, she is showing Ace a video of the halftime routine performed by their missing mascot, Snowflake. She sees Ace chewing on either birdseeds or sunflower seeds, and spreading the leftovers in a neat pile on her desk] Would you like an ashtray?
Ace: Hmm-mmm. I don't smoke. It's a disgusting habit.

Melissa: Ace, Where are you?
Ace: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.

[Melissa and Ace are reading news clippings about Ray Finkle]
Melissa: "Replacement Kicker Having a Great Year." "Ready For Super Bowl, All-Star Kicker Boasts."
Ace: "Field Goal Sails Wide. Dolphins Lose Super Bowl."
Melissa: The "Kick Heard Round The World." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.
[Ace lets out an impressed whistle. Melissa flips to the next clipping, with a headline that reads "Finkle Contract Not Renewed."]
Melissa: Poor guy.
Ace: Poor guy with a motive, baby.

Melissa: Have you ever heard of FAN?
Ace: Free Animals Now. Started in 1982, by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist Fisher Gamble. Over half a million members from Florida to Finland. No. Who are they?

Lois: [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers] Shoot him! Shoot him!
Emilio: [offscreen] Hold your fire!
[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]
Emilio: Don't shoot!
Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!
[cocks revolver]
Emilio: She's not joking!
Lois: [ignoring them] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!
Ace: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up professional football's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.
[takes deep breath]
Ace: What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top of a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed the entire thing!
[takes another deep, relief breath]
Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?
Ace: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.
Lois: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
Ace: Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

Riddle: [angry] How in the hell do you lose a five hundred pound fish?
[Melissa wants to say something]
Riddle: What?
Melissa: I'm sorry sir, I was just going to say, that it's not a fish, it's a mammal.
Riddle: Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.

Melissa: I swear if you do anything to embarass me in front of Camp...
Ace: What? Like this?
[makes weird noises, doorman answers the door]
Ace: Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!

Melissa: Ace, get out of the tank.
Ace: [talking like Scotty from Star Trek] I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power.
Melissa: I said, get out of the tank now!
Ace: For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!

Ronald: Who is he, a friend?
Melissa: No, this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ronald: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?"
Melissa: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Ace: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ronald: [nervously] Very, very well, thank you.

Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
Ace: Yeah? And you're ugly.

Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace: If it gets cold enough.