The Best F. Lee Bailey Quotes

F. Lee Bailey: [with Cochran in North Carolina, trying to get an appellate court to release the Fuhrman tapes] Mr. Cochran, take a good look at where you're standing. We're in the South. Haven't you noticed the smell of mint julep and condescension in the air? Right behind you, there's a statue of a Confederate soldier with a rifle. With all due respect, I don't know if you play as well in Dixie.

Johnnie: As she said, this was simply a misunderstanding.
Marcia: She lied! She's out!
Johnnie: She didn't lie! She said...
Marcia: She said 'no' to the question 'have you ever been a victim of domestic violence'. Her husband raped her twice.
F. Lee Bailey: Actually, it wasn't legally rape in '88. I mean between a husband and wife.
Marcia: [a long and awkward silence; Clark gapes at Bailey] You just said that. Out loud.

[during a recess in the trial, Shapiro has walked over to the evidence table. He looks at the evidence glove in plastic. Making sure no one is watching him, he puts his hand over the glove. His hand does not cover the glove. He walks over to his fellow attorneys]
Robert: [quietly] Are any of you interested in something other than a conspiracy theory? Some real, demonstrable evidence? A little bit of real lawyering?
[beat; points over to the evidence]
Robert: Those gloves are too small.
[later in a prison conference room, O.J. and Shapiro stand in front of each other with their palms together; Shapiro's hands are much smaller than O.J.'s]
Johnnie: Yes, Bob.
Robert: I tried the glove on in there myself. It didn't fit. It will never fit him! I think we should have him try it on in court.
Johnnie: I think it's a terrible idea. What if it doesn't work? You don't make a play in there if you don't know the outcome.
Robert: I know the outcome.
O.J. Simpson: My hand is bigger than Bob's! Put me in, Coach!
Johnnie: So, saying we wanted to, how do we present it?
F. Lee Bailey: We don't. We get them to present it.

F. Lee Bailey: [about Mark Fuhrman] It's hard to be hated by both sides. It takes a man of certain character.

F. Lee Bailey: Let me put it simply: are you saying under oath that you have not addressed any black person as a nigger or spoken about any black people as niggers in the past ten years while on the police force, Detective Fuhrman?
Detective: Yes, that's what I am saying.
F. Lee Bailey: So that anyone who comes to this court and quotes you using that word to describe or refer to African Americans would be a liar? Would they not, Detective Fuhrman?
Detective: Yes, they would.
F. Lee Bailey: All of them?
Detective: All of them.
F. Lee Bailey: Thank you. No further questions.

[Lee Bailey is speaking to the North Carolina court after Johnnie's unsuccessful attempt]
F. Lee Bailey: Your Honors, may I state first of all what a pleasure it is to be practicing law once again in the great state of North Carolina. My heart gladdens with the promise of justice when I stand in one of the original 13 colonies. From the great Smokey Mountains to the Pamlico Sound, I know that fair consideration will be offered to all who set foot in a Tar Heel tribunal. As the Bible tells us, "Seek, and ye shall find," and I thank the Lord for helping us to find these terribly troubling tapes.

[Shapiro is at home, angrily watching F. Lee Bailey on "Larry King Live"]
Larry: F. Lee Bailey, I'm really glad you're here, 'cause the media has been filled, filled with accounts of defense team infighting. So can you shed some light on the situation?
F. Lee Bailey: Larry, these stories, where they emanate from, I really can't imagine.
Larry: This is a tremendous, tremendous group of attorneys. Yourself included.
F. Lee Bailey: You're very kind.
Larry: Well, so, pardon my confusion, but who the hell is in charge?
F. Lee Bailey: Oh, Bob Shapiro is the lead attorney, make no mistake. All that sniping in the media that says "Bob Shapiro is in over his head", "Bob Shapiro is an empty suit", "Bob Shapiro can't handle a case of this magnitude"... . Well, that twaddle is truly unfortunate.
Robert: [shouting at his TV] Well, then don't say it, *asshole*! Fuck!

[after learning the Fuhrman tapes mention Peggy York, Judge Ito's wife]
Johnnie: We are in perilous waters. The prosecution can manipulate this situation. Marcia and Chris are in trouble, their case is dying. Suddenly, they get thrown a life preserver, "Peggy" on tape. So, they game it, Ito gets tossed for the conflict, they get a new trial.
[slams hand down on table]
F. Lee Bailey: Jesus, a complete do-over.
Robert: W-Wait a minute, try the case again? We-we can't, we can't live through this again!
Johnnie: And they could move the trial back to Santa Monica, get a white jury.
F. Lee Bailey: And this time, they don't call Fuhrman, the LAPD doesn't get tarnished and the tapes never get played.
Johnnie: The scenario is *unthinkable*. We are *this* close to them being admitted!
[beat]
Johnnie: Does Ito even know yet?

[Shapiro and Bailey are dining at a fancy restaurant]
Robert: I love Johnnie, it's just... we have to keep our eyes on him.
F. Lee Bailey: Johnnie's an excellent trial lawyer. He can sense all the potholes.
Robert: That's irrelevant. I don't want him putting ideas into O.J.'s head. I mean, the truth is, we both know there's only one way out of this case.
F. Lee Bailey: Come on, Bob, we're just getting started. We want to have a little fun.
Robert: No, it's my job to serve the client, and the reality is, it's not winnable. Johnnie is here to make Gil nervous enough to cut us a deal.
F. Lee Bailey: You really think he will?
Robert: The race card's sticking, and Johnnie equals LAPD injustice, and Gil doesn't want to see the city burn down... again.
[the waitress arrives with their meals]
Waiter: Here you gentlemen go. Eggs Benedict... and steak and frittata.
F. Lee Bailey: Thank you.
Waiter: And enjoy!
F. Lee Bailey: Well, then... to whom do I invoice my hours?
Robert: Hmm?
F. Lee Bailey: Who should I bill?
Robert: [appearing confused] Lee, you're pro bono.
[the waitress returns to their table]
Waiter: Could I offer either of you Tabasco or...
F. Lee Bailey: [without looking at her] *No, we're fine*! Thank you.
[the waitress again leaves]
F. Lee Bailey: Bob... may I remind you, I was your first call.
Robert: I like this case for you. I really do, Lee. It's a terrific way to get back in the limelight, reintroduce yourself to the public.
F. Lee Bailey: [quietly angry] I don't need reintroducing. I'm F. Lee Bailey. I represented Sam Sheppard, Patty Hearst, the *goddamn* Boston Strangler.
Robert: That's -- that's a long time ago. Look at the bright side... this could be the most high-profile criminal case in the history of the world. And O.J.'s easily the most famous American ever to be put up for murder. It's a different world, Lee. I mean, the old days, you'd turn on TV, 6:00 p.m., the news, and now it's 24 hours a day. I have insomnia. I wake up at 3:00 a.m. I turn on cable, and boom, there we are!
[sighs]
Robert: Trust me... you'll dine out on this for the rest of your life.
F. Lee Bailey: Yeah. But Patty Hearst paid.

[Johnnie and Lee have just read the Fuhrman transcripts in North Carolina]
Johnnie: It's unbelievable. It's horrible.
F. Lee Bailey: Horrible we can sell. Look, the bastard is nailed. Dead. He directly contradicts the trap I laid when he testified.
Johnnie: Lee... it's more than that. It's evil. But this is what black people have always known. And now it's right here.
[taps on binders]
Johnnie: For everyone to hear.

Larry: Alan Dershowitz, in all your years, have you ever seen a sensational, tragic case like this?
Alan: In a short word, Larry, no. The evidence against Simpson is overwhelming.
Larry: All right, Alan, what about a plea deal? Could that be in the cards?
Alan: Larry, settling is Robert Shapiro's specialty, much more than actually trying cases in a courtroom. But with a vicious double murder, then Simpson attempting escape, no. O.J. Simpson is gonna stand trial for two counts of murder one, maybe special circumstances.
Robert: [watching on TV] Aw, go to hell, Dershowitz! Do you see what I'm up against here? They've got me down as the schmuck that'll walk O.J. to the gas chamber, and then the most famous lawyer in the whole country is gonna dictate and narrate it on "Larry King Live."
F. Lee Bailey: You think Alan's the most famous lawyer in the country? Thank God he's so photogenic.
Robert: How do I shut him up? How do you shut Dershowitz up?
F. Lee Bailey: I like Alan, but he's a smug son of a bitch. Every fifteenth word is "Harvard."

Johnnie: [Shapiro has been replaced with Cochran as lead defense attorney; Cochran sits with the defense team] We lost the motion to suppress the evidence collected at Rockingham.
F. Lee Bailey: It's like Ito has a thing against us.
Alan: Don't worry. We'll file a motion to throw out the lab results.
Johnnie: [Shapiro furiously enters and slams the door] Great, Bob's here. First off...
Robert: Before we get into your agenda, let's get into mine.
Johnnie: Bob, O.J.'s on the phone.
Robert: Good. Because we have some very pressing issues to discuss. Because there's some stinky fish in this room.
[Holds up newspaper article, "Shapiro Benched By Cochran"]
Robert: Everybody here knows we have to keep a united front. So, from now on, I am the only one who speaks for the defense team. I am the lead attorney!

F. Lee Bailey: I never thought I'd say this, but I like the nerd science guy.
Robert: Mm, but he's esoteric, and we also have to think about the things in the physical world, things we can see with our own eyeballs. What do you got, Pat?
Pat: So far, nothing I can sink my teeth into. All I've seen is the LAPD acting like they were O.J.'s butler. "Would you like a police escort home? Could we get you some juice, Juice?" I do know one of the detectives a little. Worked with him once doing security for Johnny Carson. Mark Fuhrman. Total prick. Really unpleasant. Johnny never asked him back.
Robert: Really? Johnny never asked him back? That's interesting. What, Foreman?
Pat: Mark Fuhrman.
Robert: Fuhrman. Yeah. Yeah, dig deep. Let me know what happens.

F. Lee Bailey: [reading an article in the New Yorker] I hear a sound. The sound... of metal orbs clanging against one another.
Robert: Come on, Lee.
F. Lee Bailey: Oh, my God. It's coming from your pants, Bob.
[Robert laughs]
F. Lee Bailey: Balls. Big, brass balls. God love you. We are back in this thing!
Robert: Ah, thank you, thank you. But, uh, how do I get rid of those 911 tapes?
F. Lee Bailey: I know. Those tapes are today. In a week, they're flotsam over the stern. If they had to come out, I'm glad they were followed with this. What you've laid out here, this is an entire case strategy. Spectacular. This is masterful. Bob, you had a car that flew off a cliff. It's missing two tires, leaking oil, and flung into a ravine, yet somehow, you drove us back up the hill. We're highway-ready again and back in the race.