The Best Hans Conried Quotes

Major: In our camps, we have one firm rule. No prisoner is allowed to carry a gun.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: That is an excellent rule.
[Bonacelli points to Newkirk, who is leaning on Schultz's rifle]
Sgt. Schultz: Schultz!
Sgt. Schultz: Ja wohl, herr kommandant.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Are you crazy, allowing a prisoner to hold your gun?
Sgt. Schultz: There is no danger, herr kommandant. The gun is not loaded.
Major: That's our second rule. All guards must carry loaded guns.

Jed: Granny wanted me to make sure that the first song you taught Jethro was "Redneck Romance".
The: I play the music of only the immortal composers.
Jed: Then you ought to know this one. It was wrote by Stumpy Peckinpah.

Fiddlin: Let me give a little tip from one fiddle player to another. You might think my music is trash and rubbish, but by golly I make 2 million dollars a year playin' it.
The: 2 million? That's ten times what I make.

Cpl. Langenscheidt: The mess sergeant would like to know what you and your guest would like for dinner.
Major: [speaks Italian] Antipasto, minestrone, pasta al dente.
[Langenscheidt nods]
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Langenscheidt! We will have potato soup, boiled potatoes, potato pancakes, sauerkraut, and sauerbraten.
Cpl. Langenscheidt: Ja, Herr Kommandant.
[he leaves]
Col. Robert E. Hogan: [to Bonacelli] Bon appetit.
[Bonacelli looks nauseated]

Wrongway: [When he sees the wing strut broken, he cuts the engine and jumps out of the cockpit, then while examining it] I wouldn't have had any control of the plane!