The Best James Coburn Quotes

Major: Where is this old man that keeps you on a diet? When does he come out?
Goldsmith: He never comes out. He stays in the cave.
Major: Well, I'm not surprised, Mr Goldsmith. I'm not surprised at all. You see, off Lake Erie we've got a pack of wierdies up there that bay at the moon once a week. And then around what used to be Chicago, man, we've got a real swinging cult goin' there. They've built themselves a statue made out of fissionable lead. This is their "diety". What do we have here? We have an invisible old man in a cave.

Major: Friends, Romans, Farm Animals! We are now going up to the cave and check your favorite recluse. We're gonna bring him out in the sunshine and get a good look at him. And then we're gonna decide if he's worthwhile keeping alive.

Wallace: You tell 'em! I won, didn't I?
Britt: You lost.

[first lines]
Jessica: [entering room] Cyrus.
Cyrus: Oh, Jessica. Oh, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to see you again. How was your flight down?
Jessica: Oh, it was wonderful and I got in last night. But I was just told that you'd had a break-in. So if this is a bad time...
Cyrus: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The day is yours. I've cleared the calendar.

[Mr. Crisp and the others are looking for the kids]
Father: How will we ever find them?
Mr. Crisp: That's easy, just look for the choir that looks like it just robbed a convenience store.

Captain: Admiral, these enemy radio intercepts that your intelligence unit has been accumulating...
Admiral: Very detailed, aren't they?
Captain: Too damned detailed, Admiral. Do you remember what happened just before December 7th?
Admiral: The Japanese flooded the airwaves with fake messages.
Captain: Yes. These could be carbon copies. Washington's convinced that Yamamoto's feeding this stuff to you in order to cover his real intentions.
Admiral: Very definite possibility.
Captain: Well then, sir, how can you still insist...
Admiral: Because it is my judgement that this information is factual. I'm convinced Yamamoto's target is Midway.
Captain: If you're wrong, Admiral, if you send our carriers into a Japanese ambush, the entire west coast and Hawaiian islands will be wide open for invasion.
Admiral: I'm fully aware of that, Captain. You're saying the safe play is to defend the home folks first.
Captain: With respects, Admiral, it's the smart play.
Admiral: Captain, if we surprise the enemy, catch him where he doesn't think we'll be, we can drive him back 3000 miles. And keep him pinned 'til we're ready to take him on his own front yard.
Captain: Sir, my instructions were to convey Washington's deep concern for the safety of the west coast and the Hawaiian islands. That is, if...
Admiral: Captain Maddox, is Washington ordering me to defend against an attack here or the west coast?
Captain: No, sir. My orders were simply to consult. No, sir, I have no such orders for you.
Admiral: Commander Blake, declare a state of fleet-opposed invasion. Target... Midway Island. Issue the order immediately.
Lieutenant Commander Ernest L. Blake: Aye, aye, sir.

[to Father Ignatius]
Mr. Crisp: Have you been drinking more of that sacramental wine, father?

Major: Mr. Goldsmith. The following is unofficial. Now, we'd like you to make your transition here as easy as possible. Now, under certain circumstances we might even allow you to remain in nominal control. Assuming that you don't give us any trouble. Now, that's unofficial. The following is official.
[slaps him to the ground]
Major: Now let me fill you in on the situation here, Mr. Goldsmith. Between Buffalo, New York and Atlanta, Georgia, there are probably around five hundred people alive. You know why. Well, because there's no authority, there's no discipline. Now we're here to give you a little of both. And if you give us any trouble, any trouble at all, I'm gonna hang you. From that balcony right over there.

Mr. Crisp: Sister Mary Fake!

Ronald: You know, Jim, I've always admired your work in pictures.
James: Oh, well thank you sir, I've always admired your... way with horses.

Britt: Nobody throws me my own guns and says run. Nobody.

[Britt has just shot a fleeing bandit off his horse]
Chico: Ah, that was the greatest shot I've ever seen.
Britt: The worst! I was aiming at the horse.

Mr. Crisp: Teach them how to play... soccer.
Father: We haven't got the balls for that.

Major: Now, I don't think any of you are going to die of radioactivity. I think if you're going to kick off, you're going to kick off either from malnutrition, or from being conned to death.
Goldsmith: If that's true, Major, at least it'll be a painless death.