The Best Jerry Cooper Quotes

Deputy: Mr. Cooper, I'm sorry to inform you that your partner, Milo, died of a heart attack today when your store was robbed.
Jerry: What? You're t... t... telling me...
[sobs]
Jerry: ...we were *robbed*? Oh, my God. Tell me, what did they take?
Captain: Did you hear the part about your partner dying of a heart attack?

Jerry: [during a sting operation] Viktor Markov is never gonna believe that I would date someone like you.
Deputy: Why not?
Jerry: He's a much better appraiser than I am. And he's never gonna believe that one of me is worth any of you.