Top 30 Quotes From Joel

Joel: Where's Lana?
Guido: Maybe she's on the choo-choo. I hear she's got this thing about choo-choos.

Joel: Some of the girls are wearing my mother's clothing.
Lana: What's wrong with that?
Joel: I just don't want to spend the rest of my life in analysis.

Joel: Are you going to help?
Miles: Sure. When?
Joel: Right now!
Miles: Well, I can't do it right now! I've got a Trig mid-term tomorrow.
Joel: Hey, "Mr. What-The-Fuck" - I mean, what about "exploring the dark side" and all that? Or was that just bull shit?
Miles: That was just bull shit, Joel. I'm surprised you listened to me.

Joel: Dad, do you want me to start your car?
Joel's: The car will be fine, Joel.
Joel: I mean, for the battery, I mean.
Joel's: Joel, please, you're not to use my car. You're not insured for it. Use the station wagon.
Joel's: Use my car, honey.
Joel: Okay.
Joel's: Joel, do we understand each other?
Joel: Okay!

Joel: When it came right down to it, I just wasn't attracted to her.
Miles: That should never stop you.

Joel: You know, Bill, there's one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the fuck, make your move."
Rutherford: I beg your pardon?

Miles: [to Joel] What happened?
Joel: Last night?
Miles: That's right - with Kessler.
Joel: She was babysitting down the street...
Miles: We know that!
Joel: So I went over there. It turns out that, uh, she was giving the kid a bath and accidentally hit the shower thing...
[some guy off camera]
Joel: right.
Miles: That could happen.
Joel: ...and all her clothes were drying upstairs. So she plops down right on the kitchen floor and she looks up at me and says 'I think I'm in the mood.'
Barry: She said that? What did you say?
Joel: I didn't have to say anything.
Glenn: Whatcha do?
Joel: What do you think I did?
Glenn: I think you got the hell out of there, ran home, and wacked off.
Barry: [makes a wacking off noise with his cheek]
Miles: I disagree.
[to Joel]
Miles: Did you have your bike there?
Joel: Yeah.
Miles: I think you jumped on your bike, peddled home, and wacked off!

Joel: This was a great idea, Joel. Where else can you get a hot chocolate for $4?

Miles: Sometimes you gotta say "What the Fuck", make your move. Joel, every now and then, saying "What the Fuck", brings freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future. So your parents are going out of town. You got the place all to yourself.
Joel: Yeah.
Miles: What the fuck.

Joel: Porsche. There is no substitute.
Miles: Fuck you.

Joel's: Haven't I been telling you. Every once in awhile you just got to say, "what the heck" and take some chances.
Joel: You are so right.

Joel's: Joel, do you have something to tell me?
Joel: No. I don't think so.

Jackie: Joel, I'm going to give you a number. You ask for Lana. It's what you want.
Joel: Thank you.
Jackie: It's what every white boy off the lake wants.

Joel: So is this Guido guy... he's your "manager"?
Lana: That's right.
Joel: Or a pimp?
Lana: Now that's quick Joel. Have you always been this quick, or is this something new?

Joel: You listen to me, buster. You, you a-hole.
Guido: A-hole?
Joel: I want my stuff back right now.
Guido: Now you listen to me, you little fuck. Not only you take my two best girls, you call me names. If I didn't have any self-respect, it wouldn't just be the furniture, it'd be your arms, your legs, your head.

Joel: It seems to me that if there were any logic to our language, trust would be a four letter word.

Joel: I was just thinking, where we might be 10 years from now, you know.
Lana: You know what I think? I think we're both gonna make it - big. I am very optimistic. I mean it.

Joel: Uh, my name isn't really Ralph. It's Joel.
Lana: Mmmm. I'll be needing 300 bucks... *Joel*.
Joel: You're kidding.
Lana: No, I don't believe that I am.
Joel: Well, uh, it's just that I don't have that much here in the house.
Lana: How much do you have?
Joel: I have 50 dollars.
Lana: 50 dollars? What are we going to do about this, Joel?
Joel: I don't know.
[pauses]
Joel: Could I send it to you?
Lana: [incredulous] Could you *send* it to me?
Joel: [long pause] I, uh, have a bond at the bank. I could go cash that.
Lana: I'm not real good at waiting.
Joel: I'll be quick.

[first lines]
Joel: [voiceover] The dream is always the same. Instead of going home, I go to the neighbors'. I ring, but nobody answers. The door is open, so I go inside. I'm looking around for the people, but nobody seems to be there. And then I hear the shower running, so I go upstairs to see what's what. Then I see her; this... girl, this incredible girl. I mean, what she's doing there I don't know, because she doesn't live there... but it's a dream, so I go with it. "Who's there?" she says. "Joel," I say. "What are you doing here?" "I don't know what I'm doing here; what are *you* doing here?" "I'm taking a shower," she says. Then I give her: "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream. So I go to her, but she's hard to find through all the steam and stuff; I keep losing her. Finally I get to the door... and I... find myself in a room full of kids taking their college boards. I'm over three hours late; I've got two minutes to take the whole test. I've... just made a terrible mistake. I'll never get to college. My life is ruined.

Joel: College women can smell ignorance... like dog shit.

[last lines]
Joel: My name is Joel Goodson. I deal in human fulfillment. I grossed over eight thousand dollars in one night. Time of your life, huh kid?

Joel: Will you do me a favor?
Lana: Anything, cookie.
Joel: Don't steal anything. If I come back here and anything's missing, I'm going straight to the police. I mean it.
Lana: Joel, go to school. Go learn something.

Joel: It was great the way her mind worked. No guilt, no doubts, no fear. None of my specialities. Just the shameless pursuit of immediate gratification. What a capitalist.

Barry: Are you stoned?
Joel: No. I do not believe so.
Barry: I think you're really wasted.
Joel: This is not wasted, Barry. This is definitely not wasted. - - Barr?
Barry: Yeah?
Joel: I'm a little wasted.

Jackie: Hello, Joel. I'm Jackie.
Joel: Hello, Jackie. I'm not Joel. Joel stepped out for a moment. Hold on... I'll go call him.

Joel: I don't think I'm gonna say 'What the fuck' anymore. This thing has gotten... WAY out of control. I'm Gonna kill Miles!

Joel: Joel, do you hear something odd? Something unpleasant?
Joel's: No.
Joel: A preponderance of bass, perhaps?
Joel's: No.
Joel: Is this the way I left the equalizer?
Joel's: No.
Joel: No. This is not some toy for you and your friends. If you can't use it properly, you're not to use it at all. My house, my rules.

Lana: What do you think?
Joel: I don't know. You tell me. Yes? No? Maybe?
Lana: Yes. No. Maybe.

Joel: You didn't tell anyone did ya?
Miles: No... Glen knows.
Joel: What about Barry?
Miles: He knows too.
Joel: Okay. Just don't tell anyone.

Guido: Listen to me.
Joel: No, no. You listen to ME!
[Guido hangs up]
Joel: Shit!