The Best Jonah Heidelbaum Quotes

Jonah: Yep, probably our girl Una. Mid to late 50s, blond. Looks like it could be his daughter. Either that, or Cheryl Ladd's stand-in.
Lonny: Actually, Cheryl Ladd's stand-in has tits like vanilla ice cream. And I know... 'cause I had two scoops.

Sister: [to Meyer] Bringing the kid was a big mistake.
Jonah: You know what? I-I'm not a kid. Okay? I was bar mitzvahed seven years ago, Sister. Chanted a little Leviticus, boogied to Mungo Jerry. After my haftorah, got an over-the-pants hand job from Ruchel Rekenstein. I know you think I'm this undescended testicle, but I'm old enough to drink, smoke, enlist in the Army, so... I'm not a kid. And unless you want to Greyhound over to the Indian casino and recruit the Navajo Windtalkers, I think you fucking need me.
Sister: One misstep and I will do things to you so traumatizing, you'll wet your knickers any time you even see Mary fucking Poppins on the telly.

Meyer: More of a celebrity than Art Garfunkel
Jonah: Art Garfunkel is the furry taint of famous Jews, so thanks?
Meyer: Really? I think Art Garfunkel has a good voice. Beautiful.

Meyer: So, are you ready for this?
Jonah: I'm more fucked than a sea cucumber at a mermaid orgy.