The Best Lt. Mitch Kellaway Quotes

Doyle: [frisking the Mask] Really big sunglasses.
Park: Bike horn.
Doyle: Small mouth bass.
Park: Bowling pin.
Doyle: [Yells in pain] Mouse trap.
Park: Rubber chicken.
Mask: A little to the left... that's it.
Doyle: [squeezes a stress releaver toy a few times] Mmmm, I don't know. Funny eyeball glasses?
Mask: I've never seen those before in my life.
Park: Bazooka?
Mask: I have a permit for that.
Doyle: [going through The Mask's pocket] Picture of Kellaway's wife.
Lieutenant: [shocked] What?
Mask: [mockingly] Uh-oh.
Lieutenant: [sees a photo of his wife in a sexy nightgown with the words 'Call Me Lover! 555-9371' written on it] Margaret! You son of a bitch!
[He tries to punch the Mask, but the Mask easily dodges him]
Mask: Geez, I figured you had a sense of humor. After all - you married her!
[slaps both Kellaway and Doyle in the face repeatedly]
Mask: That's gotta hurt.
[makes a silly face and runs off]
Lieutenant: Get him!
[looks down to see his and Doyle's wrists are handcuffed to each other]
Lieutenant: Doyle!

Lieutenant: Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss?
Stanley: Yes?
Lieutenant: Lt. Kellaway, city precinct. You know anything about the disturbance last night?
Stanley: Dis... turbance?
Lieutenant: Yeah, some kind of prowler broke in and attacked Mrs. Peenman.
Stanley: Attacked?
Lieutenant: You didn't hear anything? She unloaded a couple of rounds of buckshot 5 feet from your door.
[Stanley sees Mrs. Peenman complaining about big hole in floor]
Stanley: This is... impossible.
Lieutenant: Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened.
Stanley: See, I have an inner ear problem. Sometimes I can't hear anything.
Lieutenant: Is that a fact?
Stanley: Eh?
[laughs]
Lieutenant: Here's my card. If you remember anything unusual about last night, anything at all, call me.
Stanley: You betcha. Thank you. And good luck... cracking the case.

Mayor: I want to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning.
Lieutenant: Yes, your honor.
Doyle: That doesn't sound good at all.
Lieutenant: [Sarcastically] No, it doesn't sound good. What would sound good to you?
Doyle: Breakfast!
Lieutenant: SHUT UP!

Peggy: I'm with the Evening Star. Can you tell me what happened here?
Lieutenant: No, and you can quote me.
Peggy: Well, it looks like some sort of Mob tactic.
Lieutenant: There it is, boys, she broke the case. Come on, get these rubbernecks out of here.

Lieutenant: Ipkiss! Police! Freeze!
[the Mask freezes in mid-air]
Lieutenant: Put your hands up.
The: [his teeth are frozen together] But you told me to freeze!
Lieutenant: All right, all right. Un-freeze.
[the Mask un-freezes and falls to the ground]
Lieutenant: You're under arrest.
[pulls out his cuffs]
The: No! It wasn't me! It was the One-Armed Man!
[regular voice]
The: All right, I confess! I did it, ya hear? And I'm glad! GLAD, I TELL YA!
[gets down on his knees and puts his hands up together]
The: What are they gonna do to me, Sarge? WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?
Lieutenant: [puts the cuffs on The Mask's wrists] Sorry, son. That's not my department. Search him.
The: [the cops bring The Mask to his feet] Ow! Where's a cam-corder when you need one?
[snorts in laughter, Kellaway nods as if to say "touché"]

Lieutenant: Somebody STOLE your pajamas?
Stanley: [seeing Milo jump at the closet door where the stolen money is] Milo, no! I mean, uh, what is this world coming to when a man's... *pajama drawer* is no longer safe?

Stanley: [opens the door] Hi, Lieutenant. This isn't a good time right now, so...
[Kellaway enters]
Stanley: Won't you come in?
Lieutenant: Where were you last night, Ipkiss?
Stanley: Here, mostly. Is something wrong?
Lieutenant: What do you know about this Mask character?
Stanley: [chuckles] Mask?
Lieutenant: Don't insult my intelligence, Ipkiss. He robs the bank you work in and then I find this in the Coco Bongo.
[shows Stanley a piece of his pajamas]
Lieutenant: There can't be 2 idiots with pajamas like these.
[Milo is trying to open the door to the closet where the money is stashed away]
Stanley: Milo, no!
Lieutenant: May I see those pajamas, Mr. Ipkiss?
Stanley: Those, uh, those pajamas were, uh... stolen.
Lieutenant: Somebody stole your pajamas?
Stanley: [grabs Milo] Yeah. I mean, what is the city coming to when a man's pajama drawer is no longer safe?