Top 20 Quotes From Stanley Ipkiss

Mrs. Peenman: Ipkiss, do you have any idea what time it is?
Stanley: Actually, no.
Mrs. Peenman: [spots his wet feet on her carpet] My new carpet! Well, this is coming right out of your security deposit, Ipkiss!
Stanley: You know, Mrs. Peenman...
Mrs. Peenman: What?
Stanley: [dejectedly] Nothing.
Mrs. Peenman: Well, that's what you are, Ipkiss, a big nothing!
Stanley: [after Mrs. Peenman slams her door] Aren't you due back at the lab to have your BOLTS tightened?
[to himself]
Stanley: I should've said that.

Stanley: [opens the door] Hi, Lieutenant. This isn't a good time right now, so...
[Kellaway enters]
Stanley: Won't you come in?
Lieutenant: Where were you last night, Ipkiss?
Stanley: Here, mostly. Is something wrong?
Lieutenant: What do you know about this Mask character?
Stanley: [chuckles] Mask?
Lieutenant: Don't insult my intelligence, Ipkiss. He robs the bank you work in and then I find this in the Coco Bongo.
[shows Stanley a piece of his pajamas]
Lieutenant: There can't be 2 idiots with pajamas like these.
[Milo is trying to open the door to the closet where the money is stashed away]
Stanley: Milo, no!
Lieutenant: May I see those pajamas, Mr. Ipkiss?
Stanley: Those, uh, those pajamas were, uh... stolen.
Lieutenant: Somebody stole your pajamas?
Stanley: [grabs Milo] Yeah. I mean, what is the city coming to when a man's pajama drawer is no longer safe?

Mr. Dickey: Ipkiss, we have a crisis on our hands here and you stroll in over an hour late? If I have to put up with your slovenly behavior...
Stanley: BACK OFF, Monkey Boy, before I tell your daddy you're running this place like it's your own personal piggy bank. Or maybe we should call the IRS, and see if we can arrange a little vacation for you at Club FED!
Mr. Dickey: [shocked from being told off by his employee] That'll be all, Ipkiss.

Mask: Hold on, Sugar! Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight!

Maggie: Stanley, you are the nicest guy. Really, you are.
Stanley: Yeah?
Maggie: Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy?
Charlie: The best.
[Maggie walks off]
Charlie: That was THE most sickening display I've ever seen.
Stanley: I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down.

Mask: [about to attack the mechanics who cheated him earlier] Hold on to your lugnuts, it's tiiiiime for an overhaul!

Stanley: [Tina's being chased by one of Dorian's henchmen] Hey, guard, there's a woman being chased in the alley there.
Guard: [uncaring] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it down.
Stanley: C'mon, MAN! SERVE AND PROTECT!

[after being shot, in a Southern accent]
Mask: Hold me closer, Ed, it's getting dark.
[coughs]
Mask: Tell Auntie Em to let Old Yeller out.
[coughs, in a British accent]
Mask: Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas
[coughs, imitating Clark Gable]
Mask: Tell Scarlett I do give a damn.
[coughs in Orlando's face, raspberries, then farts]
Mask: Pardon me.
[he dies, the Peanut Gallery appears and applauds while The Mask is handed an acting award]
Mask: Thank you, you love me, you really love me!

Tina: [during her visit to Stanley's prison cell] Thanks.
Stanley: For what?
Tina: Lots of things. Sharing the sunset with me. For being the only guy whose ever treated me like a person and not some sort of party favor. For being any kind of romantic. Even a hopeless one.
Stanley: [sadly] You're welcome.
Tina: You know that night at the club? I knew I'd found someone special.
Stanley: [rolls his eyes] The Mask.
Tina: No, it was the guy inside the mask. It was you all along. You, Stanley Ip... kiss.
[They lean in to kiss but the guard interrupts them]

Lieutenant: Somebody STOLE your pajamas?
Stanley: [seeing Milo jump at the closet door where the stolen money is] Milo, no! I mean, uh, what is this world coming to when a man's... *pajama drawer* is no longer safe?

Stanley: [to Milo, after he manages to sneak into Stanley's prison cell] Good boy. See that man over there?
[looks at the sleeping prison guard]
Stanley: He's got keys. Yeah. Go get those keys. Go get 'em! Go get the keys! Go get 'em!
[He lets Milo go. Milo slips through the prison cells and jumps onto the guard's desk]
Stanley: That's it. Okay, get the...
[Milo turns around with a piece of cheese in his mouth]
Stanley: No, not the CHEESE. The KEYS!

Charlie: [referring to Tina] A girl like that is always looking for the BBD: Bigger Better Deal.
Stanley: You don't know that, Charlie. She's an artist. She's... she's sensitive.
Charlie: Stanley, forget her. That girl will tear your heart out, put it in a blender and hit "frappe." You don't need her, man. You need somebody a little more down to earth. Somebody with some integrity. Somebody with...
[sees Peggy]
Charlie: Red hair and full pouty lips, a white blouse, a green jacket and a name tag.
Stanley: [sarcastically] Boy, you really narrowed it down.

Tina: [meeting Stanley outside of the club] Mr. Ipkiss. Hi.
Stanley: [stunned] Hi.
Tina: [sees his dirty clothes, half-amused] You okay?
Stanley: Me? Oh, I'm great. Really good. I just... I've never felt better, really. I'm just, uh, catching some air out here.
Parking: [pulls up in Stanley's loaner vehicle] Your car, sir.
Stanley: [chuckles to Tina] That's not my car.
Parking: But it matches the ticket.
Stanley: [frustrated] All right, I'll take it. But I am VERY angry.
[to Tina]
Stanley: Can you believe this? You drive in in a Porsche...

Lieutenant: Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss?
Stanley: Yes?
Lieutenant: Lt. Kellaway, city precinct. You know anything about the disturbance last night?
Stanley: Dis... turbance?
Lieutenant: Yeah, some kind of prowler broke in and attacked Mrs. Peenman.
Stanley: Attacked?
Lieutenant: You didn't hear anything? She unloaded a couple of rounds of buckshot 5 feet from your door.
[Stanley sees Mrs. Peenman complaining about big hole in floor]
Stanley: This is... impossible.
Lieutenant: Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened.
Stanley: See, I have an inner ear problem. Sometimes I can't hear anything.
Lieutenant: Is that a fact?
Stanley: Eh?
[laughs]
Lieutenant: Here's my card. If you remember anything unusual about last night, anything at all, call me.
Stanley: You betcha. Thank you. And good luck... cracking the case.

Doyle: [frisking the Mask] Really big sunglasses.
Park: Bike horn.
Doyle: Small mouth bass.
Park: Bowling pin.
Doyle: [Yells in pain] Mouse trap.
Park: Rubber chicken.
Mask: A little to the left... that's it.
Doyle: [squeezes a stress releaver toy a few times] Mmmm, I don't know. Funny eyeball glasses?
Mask: I've never seen those before in my life.
Park: Bazooka?
Mask: I have a permit for that.
Doyle: [going through The Mask's pocket] Picture of Kellaway's wife.
Lieutenant: [shocked] What?
Mask: [mockingly] Uh-oh.
Lieutenant: [sees a photo of his wife in a sexy nightgown with the words 'Call Me Lover! 555-9371' written on it] Margaret! You son of a bitch!
[He tries to punch the Mask, but the Mask easily dodges him]
Mask: Geez, I figured you had a sense of humor. After all - you married her!
[slaps both Kellaway and Doyle in the face repeatedly]
Mask: That's gotta hurt.
[makes a silly face and runs off]
Lieutenant: Get him!
[looks down to see his and Doyle's wrists are handcuffed to each other]
Lieutenant: Doyle!

Stanley: [looking wistfully at the newspaper clipping of Tina] Stupid. She would never...
[He turns and sees the mask lying on the sofa. Slowly, he walks over to it, holds it, but then throws it over the sofa]
Stanley: No way.
[Walks away, stops, then jumps back over the sofa and puts it on]

Stanley: It's a power tie. It's supposed to make you feel... powerful.
Tina: Does it work?
Stanley: [knowing it doesn't work, tries changing the subject] Now, uh, how about that account? We have...
[nervously jams a pen in the pencil sharpener, making a loud grinding noise]
Stanley: Checking, savings and checking, CDs, savings and CDs, checking and CDs, savings, checking, and CDs, T-bills, or we can just take all your money and throw it in a big mattress back there.

Stanley: [last lines; on a bridge with Tina, holding the mask in his hand] You sure you're not gonna miss this guy? Once he's gone, all that's left is me.
[Without a word, Tina takes it from him, throws it into the water, then grabs and kisses him. Meanwhile, Charlie, watching them, gets out of the car and rushes over to the edge of the bridge to look for the mask. He sees it floating in the water, so he climbs over the railing and jumps in. Before he can reach it, however, he sees Milo swimming off with it, as if to keep Charlie away from the mask]
Charlie: [shocked] MILO!
Stanley: [Meanwhile, back on the bridge, Stanley and Tina finally pull out of their kiss. A wide grin crosses Stanley's face] SSSMOKIN'!
[Before the freeze, Stanley dips Tina and kisses her again]

[Tyrell and Ipkiss are fighting at the club]
Dorian: I'm gonna take you apart.
Stanley: Well, I hope you can enjoy the victory with one freakin' eye!
[Ipkiss pokes Tyrell in the eye]

Mask: You were good kid, real good. But as long as I'm around, you'll always be second best, see?