The Best Michael Zbornak Quotes

Sophia: [Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, who are black, as well as Rose and Blanche, whose faces are covered in mud-pack] What is this a revival of 'Raisin in the Sun'?
Michael: Grandma, this is my fiancée, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.
Sophia: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is your fiancée?
Michael: Yeah, that's right.
Sophia: You couldn't find someone your own age?
Greta: What is that supposed to mean?
Sophia: No offense, but it means your daughter looks like she's been around the block more times than a Good Humor man!
Greta: [Turns to her sister] Hold my purse. Those are fightin' words!
Rose: Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating, not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John'?
Greta: Is she for real?
Dorothy: Yep. Frightening isn't it?

Michael: [telling his mother about the woman he has suddenly decided to marry] She's staying with her family in Miami Beach. We thought maybe we'd get the two families together Sunday?
Dorothy: [sincerely] Oh, terrific idea. I can't wait to meet her.
Michael: Before you do, Mom, there is something about her you should know. Lorraine is... kind of... black.
Dorothy: [suddenly uncomfortable, laughing in denial as she tries to process what Michael is telling her] Kind of black. What, uh, what, what does that mean, 'kind of black'? I mean, that's, uh, that's like being kind of Spanish. Y'know, either you are or you arent.
Michael: She is.
Dorothy: Oh God!
Rose: Emilio Estevez is kind of Spanish, Dorothy.
Dorothy: [sarcastically] Thank you, Rose.

Dorothy: How did this happen?
Michael: I didn't plan it, it just kind of happened.
Dorothy: Just kind of happened? Michael, DANDRUFF just kinds of happens, and if you don't know the difference, then I failed as a mother.
Michael: Would you stop beating yourself up? This isn't your fault.
Dorothy: Yes it is, where did I go wrong with you?
Michael: You did a great job with me.
Dorothy: If I did a great job with you, you would be graduating medical school right now, not playing doctor with my best friend's daughter!

Rose: [Offscreen] Oh, my God!
[Blanche and Dorothy get up from the table and go into the bedroom where Rose is talking to see what is wrong]
Bridget: [Sheepishly; Bridget is in bed with Michael] Hi there.
Rose: Oh, girls, don't look!
Dorothy: Michael Zbornak, you get out of that bed *right* now!
Michael: Believe me, Mom, I'd like to, but in light of the fact that my clothes are hanging on the doorknob, I don't think it's such a good idea.
Rose: Oh, my God, they're naked!
Dorothy: People usually are in this situation, Rose.
Blanche: Unless they're all dressed up in costumes.
[Dorothy gives Blanche a look and Rose winces]
Blanche: Sorry.
Sophia: [Enter Sophia] What's all the commotion?
[Sees Bridget and Michael in bed]
Sophia: Oh, *boy.*
Michael: Grandma, this isn't what it looks like.
Sophia: Please, I'm 80 years old. I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it *looks* like.

Michael: I haven't eaten like this in a long time.
Sophia: Me either, when we're alone she feeds me lumpy oatmeal and black bananas.

Michael: Grandma, this isn't what it looks like.
Sophia: Please, I'm 81 years old, I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it looks like.

Blanche: I threw my back out in aerobics class, you see...
Michael: You don't have to explain, my mother's told me all about you.