Top 100 Quotes From Miranda Hobbes

[Charlotte is trying to decide whether to have anal sex with a man she's dating]
Miranda: It all depends . How much do you like him?
Charlotte: A lot.
Miranda: "Dating a few months until somebody better comes along a lot", or "marrying him and moving to the East Hampton" a lot?
Charlotte: I don't know. I'm not sure.
Miranda: Well, you better get sure real quick.
Charlotte: You're scaring me.
Carrie: Don't scare her.
Miranda: It's all about control. If he goes up there, there's gonna be a shift in power. Either he'll have the upper hand or you will. Now there's a certain camp that believes whoever holds the dick, holds the power, but...
[Cab Driver turns around]
Miranda: Hello! You're driving! The question is...

Miranda: Women don't care. We care about nice arms, great eyes, a big dick... I've never once heard a woman say: "He had such a big full scrotum."

[after Gilles has slept with Carrie, he leaves her a note and a thousand dollars]
Miranda: [reading the note] "Thanks for the beautiful day." Must've been a hell of a beautiful day.
Carrie: Well, it was. We had such a fantastic connection, then he leaves me money. I don't understand. What exactly about me screams "whore"?
Miranda: Besides the thousand dollars on the end table?
Samantha: I just can't believe you had dinner at Balzac. Wait a minute, I thought I ordered two eggs Benedict and one spinach omelette.
Miranda: It's all right. I'll take the omelette.
Carrie: You know what you guys, this isn't right. We're gonna pay for all this ourselves, all right?
Samantha: He said order anything.
Miranda: The room service is one thing, but the money... - uh-uh.
Samantha: What are you getting so uptight about? I mean, money is power. Sex is power. Therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.
Miranda: Don't listen to the dime store Camille Paglia.
Carrie: I don't know whether to take it as an incredible compliment or as an incredible insult?
Samantha: Just take it, period.
Carrie: Well, I wouldn't know how to return it anyway because the one thing he didn't leave me was his phone number.
Miranda: He paid in full, what more is there to talk about? Who is this Amalita Amalfi character anyway? I'm concerned you've been drafted into a ring of high-class hookers.
Carrie: She isn't a hooker. She's like an international party girl.
Miranda: She's a hooker with a passport.

Miranda: I'm fine... but Charlotte, maybe your "hmmm hmmm" would like an order of fries?

Miranda: [stomps her foot while on the phone at Steve's] DAMMIT! I fucked up Debbie's B!

Carrie: Alright, so officially he's late.
Charlotte: Who?
Miranda: Mr. Big, who else?
Charlotte: Carrie, that's great! Is it a date?
Carrie: No, he called it a "thing". He said, meet me... meet me for a drink "thing". He never used the "D" word.
Charlotte: Well, "thing" is good. I mean, "thing" comes before date.

Miranda: I'm gonna ask you an unpleasant question now- why did you ever say yes?
Carrie: The man you love kneels down in the street and offers you a ring, you say yes that's what you do.

Samantha: [Discussing whom to call into the threesome] Just make sure that the other woman isn't a friend. Use somebody random, you know, somebody you meet in a bar or something.
Miranda: That's romantic!
Charlotte: No, I think that I'd feel safer with a friend. With someone I could trust, like Carrie.
Carrie: Oh, gee, I'm flattered. But umm, I'd go with someone who has a little more experience, like Sam.
Samantha: Well, thanks. But there is something sexy about a first-timer like Charlotte.
Charlotte: Really?
Miranda: [feeling out of the loop] Oh great, no, forget about me.
Samantha: Oh, come on!
Miranda: You know, I'd do it with you guys. It's like, it's like picking teams for dodge ball all over again.
Carrie: [voice over narration] Was Samantha right? Were threesomes the new sexual frontier? No question. Guys were infatuated with threesomes. And when I started looking, they were everywhere. After all, our lives are built on threesomes. Fat, low-fat, non-fat. First, Business, Economy. Moe, Larry, Curly. Maybe we were never meant to do it with only one other person. Maybe threesomes were the relationship of the future. Meanwhile, Samantha had been busy guest starring in a show I like to call 'Sam Does The Married Guy'.

Miranda: If a man is over thirty and single, there's something wrong with him. It's Darwinian. They're being weeded out from propagating the species.
Carrie: Okay, what about us?
Miranda: We're just choosy.

Miranda: You're gonna see me with this baby and think you're in love with me.
Steve: I don't know, I've seen you with my dog and you mostly just seem uncomfortable.

Shrink: [Miranda is having dreams about having not been selected for a hypothetical threesome by any of the other girls] So you're saying you are sexually attracted to your girlfriends?
Miranda: No, but if your friends won't fuck you, who will?

Charlotte: Is it safe to buy pot from strangers?
Miranda: They're not strangers, they're our new friends with pot.

Miranda: I don't understand, why do you have to have chemo?
Samantha: Because he's an asshole!
Carrie: Apparently there could be something microscopic...
Samantha: Like his dick!
Carrie: I'm sorry, do you have cancer or Tourette's?

[at Carrie's very emotional and weepy goodbye dinner a few hours before Carrie is leaving for Paris - Charlotte in particular is being a total weepy waterworks]
Samantha: Let's pull it up, shall we? I'd like to show my face here again.
Carrie: Yes, the tears have to go. Right. Someone say something not sentimental.
Samantha: Chemo might have kicked me into early menopause.
Miranda: Task accomplished!
Samantha: You would not BELIEVE the hot flashes! I can barely keep my clothes on!
Carrie: Really? What was your excuse before the chemo?
Samantha: [lovingly] Oh, I'm gonna miss you, you cunt.
[Charlotte breaks into tears again]
Miranda: Wow, even "cunt" didn't stop her!

Miranda: I just got Brady to sleep.
Dr. Robert Leeds: Now, do you sing to him?
Miranda: Only if he's been bad.

Miranda: Is it just me or is Valentine's Day on steroids this year?
Carrie: No it's the same, we just played for the other team.

Lew: You want to go grab a drink?
Miranda: Yes please, the sight of all these white teeth is blinding.

Miranda: "Mr. Broadway has to tinkle"? That must be the gayest sentence ever uttered.

Miranda: [to shop assistant] No, I told you, no white, no ivory, nothing that says virginal. I have a child. The jig is up.

Charlotte: I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?
Miranda: Who? The White Knight?

Samantha: Women have the right to use every means at their disposal to achieve power.
Miranda: Short of sleeping their way to the top
Samantha: Not if that's what it takes to compete.
Charlotte: But that's exploitation!
Samantha: Of men, - which is perfectly legal.
Carrie: [voice over narration] Saturday night, in an effort to save money, and maybe even pick up a few extra bucks, I invited the girls over for poker.
Charlotte: I'll buy two.
Carrie: I'm in for three. So, you advocate a double standard. Women can use their sexuality to get ahead whenever possible, but men should not be allowed to take advantage of it?
Samantha: No, I'm just saying that men and women are equal-opportunity exploiters.

Carrie: New York is a town of renters. Everybody rents.
Miranda: I don't.
Samantha: I don't.
Charlotte: I don't.
Carrie: [to Charlotte] You got yours in a settlement. You did not have to pay for your apartment.
Charlotte: Oh, I paid for that apartment.
Miranda: [Farts twice] I'm pregnant. I can't control it.
Samantha: Well, honey, you better learn because that is unappetizing.
Miranda: I know. I am so swollen and gassy, I'm like a floatation device.

[Carrie explains to Miranda she blew off their dinner date for dinner with Big]
Carrie: Well, he got this veal...
Miranda: You blew me off for a piece of politically incorrect meat?

Miranda: True romance cannot exist without good sex.
Samantha: And yet you can have good sex with someone you don't like or respect... or even remember.

Carrie: [voice over narration] There were so many questions I wanted him to answer, but would not ask. Not tonight at least. No, tonight I would ask Miranda.
[to Miranda]
Carrie: He said, "I miss you, baby." Do you think that was meant to be some kind of coded mea culpa?
Miranda: You mean like what he really meant was, "I've been a complete idiot. Please forgive me for having dinner with that other woman."?
Carrie: Exactly.
Miranda: Could be.
Carrie: Well no, because that would mean that everything he ever said that I interpreted as sincere is subject to interpretation, and in that case, what I perceive as his feelings for me may only really be reflected projections of my feelings for him.
Miranda: What?
Carrie: Oh God, I'm freaking. I've gotta stop. Stop.

Miranda: [Noticing the hot tub full of Playmates at a Playboy Mansion party] "Tit soup!"

Carrie: It's a slippery slope. First you're going once a week, and then it's three times a week, and then the next thing you know, you're starting every sentence with, "My shrink says".
Miranda: My shrink says thats a very common fear.

Miranda: Yep, definitely straight.
Syd: Yeah, you are.
Miranda: Sorry.

Carrie: [voice over narration] That afternoon was a first for Samantha. She successfully screwed a guy in under two minutes. The more Miranda analysed, the worse her nightmares got.
Miranda: So the four of us get in a cab, only they won't let me sit in the back with them. They make me ride up front with the drive who happens to be the original Chris from 'The Partridge Family'.

Miranda: You haven't met the *Rabbit*.
Samantha: Oh, come on. If you're going to get a vibrator, at least get one called the Horse.

Charlotte: I always knew she'd marry Big.
Samantha: You thought that after the second break up?
Charlotte: Yep.
Miranda: After the fifteenth?
Carrie: Ha ha, we broke up a lot.

Miranda: I know, I can't move to Brooklyn, even cabs won't go there!

Big: [to Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda about Carrie] Look, I need your advice. You three know her better than anyone, you're the loves of her life. And a guy's just lucky to come in fourth. But I do love her. And if you think I have the slightest chance, I'll be on the next plane to Paris, I'll roam the streets till I find her, I'll do anything. But if you think she really is... happy... well, then I wouldn't want to wreck that for her, and I'll be history.
Miranda: [after the girls all look at each other for a long moment] Go get our girl.

Miranda: [to Charlotte who is talking about a famous painter who might ask her to hold his brush] If he so much as suggests what she's suggesting, you give me a call and we'll sue the hell out of him. That's the only proper way to trade sex for power.
Samantha: I can't believe what I'm hearing. You're like the Harvard Law Lorena Bobbitt.
[Door bell rings]
Miranda: Ah, it's Skipper, I told him I was here and he insisted on picking me up. But he's not supposed to be here 'till eleven!
Carrie: Oh! He's like a sweet little seal pup.
Miranda: That you sometimes want to club.

Miranda: Sexy is what I try to get them to see after I win them over with my personality.

Carrie: [on the phone] I can't believe it's been so long. I've been meaning to call you, I've just been...
Miranda: Fucking your brains out?
Carrie: Yeah, well, that's the least of it.

Carrie: "Going-out-of-business sex", what do we think?
Miranda: [immediately] No.
Carrie: All right, Quick Draw, give it a second here.
Miranda: [gives it a literal second] No.

Samantha: This is ideal No muss, no fuss.
Carrie: Sounds like you're selling toilet bowl cleaner.
Miranda: Does this color turn you on?
Samantha: [voice over narration] You had to hand it to Miranda. She was determined.

Carrie: He doesn't need her money, he was one of the original investors in "A Chorus Line."
Miranda: Just when I thought it couldn't get any gayer than "Mr. Broadway has to tinkle."

Miranda: I'm sorry, Steve, I'm an asshole.
Steve: Yeah, you are, but you're my asshole.
Miranda: That's sweet and gross at the same time.

Miranda: My fuck buddy moved to Chicago. Now, we have phone sex.

Miranda: I used to masturbate to a busboy who was rude to me once. What do you think that means? All right. The cheese stands alone.

Carrie: He introduced me to his mother as a friend. She never even heard of me. That isn't a good sign.
Miranda: Maybe they're not that close.
Carrie: Come on, don't lie. You're in a church.

Miranda: I once was broken up with by a guy's doorman: "I'm sorry, Ms. Hobbes, Jonathan won't be coming down. Ever."

Miranda: [Carrie told Miranda that she farted while in bed with Big] You farted. You're human.
Carrie: I don't want him to know that.

[Before Carrie goes on her first official date with Mr. Big, she's showing the girls what she's wearing]
Samantha: Hey honey, it's fabulous. Bravo!
Miranda: It's tits on toast, baby. But you make it work.
Charlotte: Well, let's just say it. It's the "naked dress". I mean, you're obviously gonna have sex with him tonight.
Carrie: Come on, it's our first date!
Miranda: She's not gonna have sex. She's just gonna look like sex.
Carrie: That's right. I'm just the trailer.
Samantha: Please. If it happens, it happens. Bottoms up!
Charlotte: Wait a second! I thought you were serious about this guy, you can't sleep with him on the first date.
Samantha: Oh, God!
Miranda: Here she goes again with 'The Rules.'
Samantha: The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn't get laid. So they constructed this whole bullshit theory to make women who can get laid feel bad.

Miranda: [at the transvestite restaurant for her birthday] It's like that guy, Jeremiah, the poet. I mean the sex was incredible, but then he wanted to read me his poetry and go out to dinner and the whole chat bit, and I'm like, "Let's not even go there."

[the girls are having lunch]
Carrie: Big's leaving his wife!
[all girls gasp]
Carrie: He got drunk and told me at the furniture show
Miranda: What was he doing at a furniture show?
Carrie: Drinkin' and leaving his wife!

Miranda: Guess what? The guest book person is also the put the gifts in the van person. Does anybody wanna help me or should I just go stand out in the street and wait for somebody else not to see me so I can end it?
Carrie: I'll help you, what street do you wanna stand in?

Carrie: New York Magazine says Brooklyn is the new Manhattan.
Miranda: Yes, but whoever wrote that lives in Brooklyn.

Miranda: Charlotte has pudding in her Prada.

Charlotte: I hate it when you're the only single person at a dinner party and they all look at you like you're a...
Carrie: Loser?
Miranda: Leper.
Samantha: Whore.

Miranda: I said no white, no ivory, no nothing that says 'virgin'. I have a child. The jig is up.

Skipper: They stopped making Martinis, so I got us two rum and Cokes. Is that okay?
Miranda: Well, I hate rum, and I hate Coke, but, thanks.

[Charlotte has just told the girls about a magazine article she read which said that a woman only gets two "great loves" in her lifetime]
Charlotte: So far I've only had one great love - Trey.
[to Miranda]
Charlotte: How many great loves have you had?
Miranda: Zero.
Carrie: Really? What about Steve?
Miranda: Steve's a friend, not a core-shaker.
Samantha: Well, I'm done with great love. I'm back to great lovers.
Miranda: [to Carrie] You?
Carrie: I refuse to define love in those limited terms
Miranda: [laughing] I had to!
Charlotte: Oh, come on Carrie! Aidan and Big!
[Charlotte pauses as she realizes what she just said. Carrie looks up at her]
Carrie: One, two. And according to you, I'm done!
Charlotte: No, no, it was a stupid article. It was at the dentist!
Carrie: No, no, no, no, too late now. You said it, it's over for me. "Here lies Carrie. She had two loves and lots o' shoes."

Miranda: Where did Skipper go?
Charlotte: I don't know how you can date that younger guy? I mean, they're so scattered and unfocused.
Miranda: We're not dating, it's a fuck thing.

Miranda: [on the dating scene] There's a lot of push-pull out there, a lot of mixed messages.
Jack: Yeah, I'd have to say that's all code for: He's just not that into you.

Miranda: [to a heckling construction worker] You got what I want? You got what I need? What I WANT... is to GET LAID. What I NEED... is to GET LAID. I NEED to GET LAID.

Samantha: What's French for "ick"?
Miranda: Eeck.

Miranda: Oh God, Carrie, is this my baby? I mean, what am I waiting for?
Carrie: Sweetie, do you want to leave?
Miranda: No, I can't have a baby. I could barely find the time to schedule this abortion.

Samantha: I remember when Danny had more than one thought, and they all involved going up my ass.
Charlotte: You had sex with Danny?
Samantha: Sure, he's cute, straight and we've known him for ten years. Haven't we all had sex with Danny?
Carrie: Oh yeah, that one weekend I was bored.
Charlotte: Just a New Year's Eve kiss.
Miranda: I showed him a boob in a coat checkroom.
Carrie: Just one?
Miranda: I sensed he couldn't commit.

Miranda: Soulmates only exist in the Hallmark aisle at Duane Reid Drugs.

Miranda: Forget the math, just don't fuck on a first date, you're fine.
Carrie: Third date.
Charlotte: Too soon!
Samantha: Reality check.

Charlotte: I feel like we don't belong here!
Carrie: That's because we're wearing shirts!
Miranda: Seriously, why don't straight men have bodies like this?
Carrie: Because gay men have the possibility of sex at the gym! If straight men had that they'd be working out all the time too!
Samantha: I've had sex at the gym!
Carrie: See, Samantha's doing her part to motivate the masses!

Miranda: I once was broken up with by a guy's doorman: "I'm sorry Ms. Hobbes, Jonathan won't be coming down. Ever."

Miranda: Are you alright? I can't believe he took your shoes.
Carrie: I know! I probably got trichinosis.
Miranda: You only get that from pork.
Carrie: Oh, well I'm sure I stepped on a piece of it somewhere.

Carrie: I better find Big.
Miranda: I'm coming with you.
Carrie: Can you leave the guest book unattended?
Miranda: It's a bullshit job Carrie, people know what to do with the guest book!

Miranda: What's the big mystery? It's my clitoris, not the sphinx.
Carrie: I think you just found the title of your autobiography.

Miranda: All we talk about anymore is Big, or balls, or small dicks. How does it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends? It's like seventh grade with bank accounts!

Carrie: New York is a town of renters. Everybody rents.
Samantha: I don't.
Miranda: I don't.
Charlotte: I don't.
Carrie: [to Charlotte] You got yours in a settlement. You did not have to pay for your apartment.
Charlotte: Oh, I paid for that apartment.
Miranda: [Farts twice] I'm pregnant. I can't control it.
Samantha: Well, honey, you better learn because that is unappetizing.
Miranda: I know. I am so swollen and gassy, I'm like a floatation device.

Samantha: I'm dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk...
[Charlotte storms out of the coffee shop]
Miranda: [to Carrie] And she's never coming back!

Miranda: I know you're probably busy having mind-blowing sex, but I feel you need to know that your good friend, Miranda Hobbes, has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You'll probably need this information when you check me into the "Betty Crocker Clinic."

Miranda: Soul mates only exist in the Hallmark aisle of Duane Reade Drugs.

Charlotte: This is gay porn.
Miranda: What was your first clue?
Charlotte: You said we were watching an independent film. I brought biscotti.
Carrie: Relax. I've watched it already, and I'm telling you, this is really funny.
Samantha: See? That's the way to do it. No "I love you", just good old fashioned fucking.

Miranda: [the man Miranda had just met at the gym asked her out] No, it's too quick. I think maybe that kick in his head scrambled his brains.
Carrie: No, too quick is sleeping with him on the first date. That's too quick.
Miranda: You both got excited, and you went for it. Stop blaming yourself.
Carrie: No, I don't blame myself. I blame the dress. The dress!

Charlotte: Everyone knows you only get two great loves in your life.
Carrie: Everyone who? Where'd you get that?
Charlotte: I read it in a magazine.
Miranda: What magazine, "Convenient Theories for You Monthly"?

Miranda: [shopping for a wedding dress] I said, "no white, no ivory, no nothing that says 'virgin.'" I have a child. The jig is up.

Carrie: Hey, you think it could really be as simple as my father walked out, therefore I'll always be messed up about men?
Miranda: My father came home every night at seven on the dot and I have no clue about men either.

Samantha: I'm sorry, but who else can I talk to about this?
Carrie: Might I suggest no one?
Samantha: You're my girlfriends. Help me! Have you ever had this problem?
Miranda: Not really, but then I have to admit it's never exactly been a trip to Baskin Robbins.
Samantha: Well, this guy is very sour, like... asparagus gone bad, or something.
Carrie: [to waitress] Can I cancel my rice pudding? Thanks.
Samantha: Beautiful guy. Great in bed. It's so disappointing. It's like getting a bad bottle of Beaujolais Nouveaux the first day of season.
Miranda: It has a lot to do with nutrition. I once dated a smoker, and it affected how his tasted.
Carrie: They should say that on the side of packs if they want to cut back sales.
Samantha: Maybe there's something he could eat to make it sweeter!
Carrie: Maybe you should write to Martha Stewart.
Miranda: Dear Martha, funky spunk. Help!
Carrie: Dear Funky Spunk, try a hint of mint!
Samantha: It's not just asparagus, it's something else. I know. Clorox!
Miranda: Well, at least it gets your whites whiter.
Samantha: This is serious. I almost gagged.
Carrie: Oh, well that is serious.
Samantha: So what I do?
Miranda: Just don't give him head again!
Samantha: Hmm. I never even thought of that.
Carrie: So what, casual head is back now?
Samantha: It's fine, he's healthy, and I don't swallow.
Carrie: Well, as long as you and the Center for Disease Control are fine with it...
Miranda: You know, if the whole cum situation were reversed, do you think men would get anywhere near the stuff?
Samantha: Well, maybe. If it tasted like beer!
[they all laugh]

Miranda: These are my last months of freedom and I'm spending them in bed.
Samantha: Just don't spend them alone in bed.

[Talking about oral sex]
Charlotte: The truth is, I hate doing it.
Samantha: Honey, you can't be serious!
Miranda: Are you telling us you never perform this act?
Carrie: She'll juggle, she'll spin plates, but she won't give head.
Charlotte: I don't like putting it in my mouth! I have a very sensitive gag reflex and it makes me want to puke!
Miranda: That's one way to say no.
Charlotte: It's not like I haven't tried. I practiced on a banana, I pretended it was a Popsicle, but... I just don't like it.
Miranda: Personally, I'm loving it, up to the point where the guy wants me to swallow.
Carrie: Well that's just, that's really a judgment call.
Samantha: Some men just take it so personally if you don't.
Miranda: Some guys don't give you a choice!
Carrie: Well that's just bad behavior.
Charlotte: Are you honestly telling me you like it?
Carrie: Well, it's not my favorite thing on the menu, but you know, I'll order it from time to time, and, with the right guy, it can be nice.
Miranda: Oral sex is like God's gift to women. - You can get off without worrying about getting pregnant.
Samantha: Plus the sense of power is such a turn-on, maybe you're on your knees, but you got him by the balls.
Charlotte: You see, that is the reason that I don't want to go down this road.
Carrie: Well sweetheart, if you're gonna get all choked up about it...
[Carrie and Miranda exchange looks about the pun]
Carrie: , just don't do it, don't do it!
Miranda: But if you don't go down on him, how can you expect him to go down on you?
Charlotte: I don't.
Miranda: Oh, well, forget it! I only give head to get head!
Samantha: Me, too.

Charlotte: This is gay porn.
Miranda: What was your first clue?
Charlotte: You said we were watching an independent film. I brought biscotti.
Carrie: Relax. I've watched it already, and I'm telling you this really funny.
Samantha: See, that's the way to do it. No "I love you.", just good old fashioned fucking.

Peter: There's not one woman in New York who hasn't turned down ten wonderful guys because they were too short, or too fat, or too poor.
Miranda: I have been out with some of those guys. The short, fat, poor ones. It makes absolutely no difference. They are just as self-centered and unappreciative as the good-looking ones.
Peter: Why don't these women just marry a fat guy? Why don't they just marry a big fat tub of lard?

Miranda: I'm going to find my inner goddess if it kills me.

Miranda: I didn't tell Walker I was pregnant.
Carrie: Miranda!
Miranda: It didn't come up! If Walker had said to me, "Have you given birth recently?", I would have said, "Well, first of all, define recently."

Miranda: Christ! When did being single translate into being gay?

Miranda: So what? They get a medal for correctly identifying a feeling? We do that all day long. I feel pissed off. Ta-dahhhh!

Miranda: The only person who should have to pay for your last relationship is the person in your next relationship.

Charlotte: I just know that no matter how good I feel about myself, if I see Christy Turlington, I just want to give up.
Miranda: Well I just want to tie her down and force-feed her lard. But that's the difference between you and me.

Miranda: After years of odd men, God is throwing me a bone.
Carrie: And possibly a boner as well.

Carrie: Shouldn't we be dating men our own age?
Miranda: Good luck finding one. There are no available men in their thirties in New York. Giuliani had them removed along with the homeless.
Carrie: So, then what's really going on here? I mean, is it younger, younger men feel safer?
Miranda: What's really going on here is sex. Good old-fashioned, eager to please, do what I tell you to, Eagle Scout sex.
Carrie: Yeah, but I'm not having sex. It's a kissing thing.
Miranda: So, what's the big deal? It's just a fling. It's not like we're throwing out our schedules or anything.

Samantha: Jesus honey! Wax much?
Miranda: What? My marriage is going through a rough spot. I dont have time to wax!
Samantha: I could be on death row and not have that *situation*!

Charlotte: You have Steve.
Miranda: I don't "have" Steve. There is no having of the Steve. We're friends.
Samantha: No, *we're* friends, but I don't put my dick in you.

Miranda: You haven't had a crush since Big.
Carrie: Big wasn't a crush. He was a crash.

James: How are the most beautiful women on Manhattan?
Miranda: If we see them, we'll ask.

[listens to a message from Big on her answering machine]
Carrie: Oh, something came up. He's not gonna meet me. Here, will you listen to this and tell me if you can figure out whether he's not meeting me as a date, or not meeting me as a friend?
[Miranda takes the phone]
Miranda: Alright.
Carrie: [narrating voiceover] Sometimes, you need a second opinion; with doctors, real estate... men!
[to Miranda]
Carrie: Well?
Miranda: I have no idea. And I finished first in my litigation class.

Samantha: I need a new gynecologist. Do you like yours?
Miranda: Not right now, no.
Samantha: Well, at least she's a woman. I tried to go to a man, but it was just too strange. Having a guy spend all that time down there and then you leave, without an orgasm and a bill!

[first lines]
Carrie: [voice over narration] Last night my friend Miranda got invited to a dinner party by a man she hardly knew. She was the date of Nick Waxler, a fairly successful sports agent who'd said she had nice legs.
Nick: Okay, old movies you would have liked to fuck when they were young.
Miranda: Alive or dead?
Nick: It doesn't matter. Veronica Lake, the year she made 'Sullivan's Travels'.

Samantha: A guy could just as easily dump you if you fuck him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth.
Miranda: When have you ever been on a tenth date?

Samantha: I happen to love the way I look.
Miranda: You should. You paid enough for it.
Samantha: Hey! I resent that! I do not believe in plastic surgery. Well, not yet.