The Best Ouiser Boudreaux Quotes

Ouiser: You are a pig from hell.

M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
[screaming]
M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!
[in a firm tone]
M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!
[continues sobbing]
Clairee: Here!
[grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]
Clairee: Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!
Ouiser: [taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
Clairee: Hit her!
Ouiser: Are you *high*, Clairee?
Truvy: [in a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!
Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enough!
Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
Ouiser: [snatches away] Let go o' me!
Clairee: M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!

Ouiser: You are evil, and you must be destroyed.
Clairee: Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.

Ouiser: I am just about at the end of my rope with you.
Drum: Well, then why don't you tie a noose and slip it 'round your head?

Clairee: You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.
Ouiser: I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton this morning at the Piggly Wiggly, and I smiled at the son of a bitch 'fore I couldn't help myself.

Clairee: And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week...
Ouiser: There. My secrets out. I'm having an affair with a Mercedes Benz!

Annelle: We are in the house of the Lord!
Clairee: Oh like she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.
Ouiser: Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.

Ouiser: I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!

M'Lynn: Oh Ouiser, Drum would NEVER point a gun at a lady!
Ouiser: Oh! He's a real gentleman! I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he PEES in it!

Ouiser: What's the matter with you these days, M'Lynn? You got a reindeer up your butt?

Ouiser: A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Ouiser: Don't try to get on my good side, Truvy. I no longer have one!

Ouiser: I should have never said that in front of Shelby.
Clairee: Ouiser no one pays any attention to you.

Ouiser: Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.
Annelle: I suspected this all along!
Ouiser: Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!
Annelle: Not on your first visit!
Clairee: Very good, Annelle! Spoken like a true smart-ass!

Drum: Ouiser you look like hammered shit.
Ouiser: Don't you talk to me like that!
Drum: Oh,I'm sorry you look like regular shit.

Ouiser: I'm not as sweet as I used to be.

Clairee: [trying to do "color commentary" by discussing the color of the football uniforms] ... But I love the top - such a vibrant purple. Bob, would you call this color "grape" or "aubergine'?
Ouiser: SHUT UP!
Clairee: What?
Ouiser: You're makin' a fool outta yourself, Clairee.
Clairee: I am not.
Ouiser: This is football. All the people wanna hear about are touchdowns and injuries. They don't give a damn 'bout that grape shit.

Ouiser: I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free. And I don't see movies 'cause they're trash, and they got nothin' but naked people in 'em! And I don't read books, 'cause if they're any good, they're gonna make 'em into a miniseries.