The Best Smithers Quotes

Smithers: Shouldn't we call the police?
Mr. Burns: Every last one is on the take. And I should know, I'm the one on the give.

Colonel: I don't like this new Viennese fad called the waltz. One-two-three, one-two-three... where's the four? There's always a four on music.
Smithers: I'll talk to the conductor to see if he can change the time signature.
Colonel: See that you do.

Mr. Burns: I haven't a friend in the world.
Smithers: You have me, sir.
Mr. Burns: I pay you, Smithers. A man cannot pay another man to love him.
Smithers: Well, actually...
Mr. Burns: I'll retire to my bed.
Smithers: That's where everyone put their coats.
Mr. Burns: Throw them in my woodchipper and use the remains to wash my car.
[Smithers tosses coats out window and into woodchipper, the shreds going into a bin marked "rags"]
Mr. Burns: Why does everyone hate me?

Smithers: Sir, that nuclear waste concealment unit that was supposed to last a thousand years is full.
Mr. Burns: Hmmm. Have you tried stamping it down?
Smithers: It just popped up in another place. We need a place to get rid of this plutonium.
Mr. Burns: Just pick the biggest idiot in the plant and put the plutonium in his bag.
[Sees Homer and his new Duff bag through the surveilance cameras]
Mr. Burns: That's a bingo.

Smithers: [about Homer] Well, as safety inspector he hasn't exactly set the world on fire, although he's come close several times.

Smithers: I need some time off. As you know I've been writing a musical about the Malibu Stacy doll.
Mr. Burns: [mockingly] A show about a doll! Why not write a musical about the common cat or the King of Siam? Ahaha!

Mr. Burns: This is the last time I pay for the mortality of the average worker. Smithers, it's time to deploy those kangaroos we've been training.
Smithers: Sir, all they did was use their pouches to steal office supplies.
Mr. Burns: Even the joeys?
Smithers: Sir, there is a more high-tech solution.
Mr. Burns: More high-tech than kangaroos?

Bart: [Smithers walks into the room with a sexy girl at his side] Smithers? I thought you were... ugh... you know!
Smithers: Not as long as I take these injections!
[injects himself]
Smithers: [shouts] I like boobies!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, who is that man, and why is his enthusiasm not being punished?
Smithers: That's Mark Cuban, the most flamboyant owner in the league.
Mark: [sliding down a cable while holding sparklers] I'm out of my mind!