150 Best Bob Denver Quotes

Gilligan: Yes, mad scientist.
Dr. Boris Balinkoff: If I told you a million times... Scientist, yes... mad, no!

Jonas: [the Skipper is greeting the wedding party, and Gilligan is best man] Ah... The best man.
Gilligan: At least I'm best man at something.
Jonas: Gilligan, you couldn't be best man in an all girls school.

Professor: Great, we've got a mechanical Gilligan!
Gilligan: Professor, with my mind, I need all the luck I can get.

Gilligan: Skipper, are you asleep?
Skipper: [sarcastically] Yes.
Gilligan: Oh, well when you wake up will you tell me if you've seen my rabbit's foot?

Gilligan: [as he enters the hut at the beginning and end of the episode mimicking Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear from the story Goldilocks and the Three Bears] Hey, somebody's been eating my food. Somebody's been sitting in my chair. Somebody has been sleeping in my bed, and that somebody is still there!
[Sees Tongo and later the orangutan and scream]

Ginger: Here. Twin beds. Now, I'll get you the victims. Meanwhile, you better hide.
Gilligan: Yes. That way, they won't know I'm here till it's too late. I'll run and hide in the alcove.
Ginger: We don't have an alcove, you schnook.

Jonas: How are we ever going to get the hut done if you keep lending our tools out? Now I don't want you to do that again, you understand that? that's an order!
Gilligan: Yes, sir.
Jonas: Gilligan, anyone who comes up to you, wants anything, the answer is no, no, no, NO, NO! NOW HAVE YOU GOT THAT?
Gilligan: [Immediately yells it] NO! I mean yes!
Jonas: [Slams bamboo poles on ground] Gilligan!

[repeated line]
Gilligan: Sorry, Skipper.

Jonas: Gilligan, you almost cut my head off!
Gilligan: I am a headhunter! I knew it. I am a headhunter!

Jonas: Gilligan, do you realize that if you move the island will blow up?
Gilligan: I don't care about the island. I'm worried about me.
Jonas: But Gilligan, if the island blows up, you will be leading the way.

Gilligan: [Last lines]
[In his hammock, singing]
Gilligan: I ask to be or not to be, and that is the question that I ask of me...
Jonas: [Calmly] Gilligan, will you cut that out? I'm trying to get some sleep.
Gilligan: [Quieter, but still loud enough for the Skipper to hear] I ask to be or not to be, and that is the question that I ask of me...
Jonas: [Yelling] Gilligan, cut it out!
Gilligan: [Looks back, then sings almost inaudibly, but still loud enough for the Skipper to hear] I ask to be or not to be, and that is the questi... WHOA!
[His singing is interrupted when the skipper tips him out of his bunk onto the floor]
Jonas: [singing] And that is the answer that you get from me!

Gilligan: Mr. Howell, how do you get a newspaper out here on the island?
Thurston: My newsboy has a strong right arm.

Jonas: Gilligan, are you sure the grave is big enough?
Gilligan: It should be... it's six and seven/eighths.

[dream: Gilligan is the ruler of a small country. The Skipper is Secretary of the Navy]
Gilligan: How's my Navy holding up?
Jonas: Well since you brought it up sir, why don't you come to the window and see for yourself?
Rodriguez: Again?
[Gilligan looks out of window. Stock footage of burning sinking ship rolls]
Rodriguez: Propaganda! Vicious Propaganda!
Gilligan: Are you doing something about that?
Jonas: Yes sir, we are! We're teaching our sailors how to SWIM!
Gilligan: Good!
Jonas: And the people on shore are learning mouth-to-mouth resuscitation -without becoming emotionally involved!
Rodriguez: How can you do that?
Jonas: It ain't easy!

Ginger: Gilligan, what would you do if you looked like Eva?
Gilligan: I'd go right down to the draft board and get reclassified.

Jonas: Well, Gilligan... this is where we're going to spend the rest of our lives.
Gilligan: Well, maybe we won't live that long.

Gilligan: [Gilligan sticks his hand in the Professor's rubber, and makes a glove] I feel like Ben Casey.
Jonas: If you don't knock it off, you're gonna need Ben Casey.

Professor: I want all of you to know that the attache case is missing and until it is recovered you are all suspects!
Gilligan: Does that mean none of us can leave the island?

The: We couldn't care less if you had the feather off the goose that laid the golden egg.
Gilligan: What goose?
The: The goose that laid the golden egg in the fairy tale.
Gilligan: Laid a golden egg?
The: Yes Gilligan. Once upon a time, there was a goose, a goose that laid a golden egg... and this goose was very important... Never mind Gilligan!

Gilligan: You're a big man with a big head and...
Skipper: Gilligan!
Gilligan: And a big heart.
Skipper: Oh, thank you.

Gilligan: I just set a trap for the prowler. -Ginger- So did I. How does yours work?

Jonas: [Convinced that he is dying, The Skipper asks Gilligan to bring him his sea chest. Gilligan does, setting it down next to him] Gilligan, it's on my fingers.
Gilligan: [Gilligan moves the chest and opens it, hitting the Skipper with the lid] Wow! Look at all this junk!
Jonas: Junk? My life is in that chest!
Gilligan: A bottle cap?
Jonas: [Wistfully] Singapore, 1946, the first bottle of beer I ever opened with my teeth.
Gilligan: Why'd you do that?
Jonas: I didn't want to, but some guy hit me in the mouth with the bottle. You can have it.
Gilligan: [Shows the Skipper a large spider in his hand] What does this remind you of?
Jonas: Nothing. It must've just crawled in there.
[Gilligan quickly throws it away.]

Gilligan: [Inside the Professor's hut] Could I get back the saw and the chisel that you borrowed?
Professor: Oh yeah. I loaned the chisel to the girls, but the saw's over here some place.
[as he looks, Gilligan looks around at the hut rather impressed, then pulls out a small palm leaf no more than three inches long, and the wall it was in immediately falls down, surprising both the Professor and Gilligan]
Professor: Gilligan! What did you do to that wall?
Gilligan: Oh I'm sorry, Professor. All I did was pull out this one little palm leaf, and the whole thing fell down.
Professor: [Disbelieving] Oh, Come on!
Gilligan: Honest, Professor! That's what happened!
Professor: You can't tell me that pulling out one little palm leaf could make a whole wall fall down.
[With that, he walks over to the opposing wall, with Gilligan in tow, and pulls about three feet of palm leaf out of the wall and shows it to him]
Professor: I built this place! You remember?
[Gilligan then looks closely at the wall, and pulls out a similar short palm leaf to the one he originally pulled out, making that wall fall, and the rest of the hut to collapse as well]

Sam,: Sam wants a cracker. Sam wants a cracker.
Jonas: Gilligan, your parrot would like another cracker.
Gilligan: I've already given him fifteen crackers.
Jonas: Gilligan?
[Gilligan reluctantly gets out of his hammock, goes over and tosses another cracker in Sam's cage, then goes to get back in his hammock when the Skipper stops him]
Jonas: Gilligan, as soon as you get back in your hammock, he's gonna want another cracker. Why don't you give him the whole box so we can *both* get some sleep.
[Gilligan nods, then goes back and throws the rest of the crackers in the box into Sam's cage, then returns to his hammock]
Jonas: There. That oughta do it.
Gilligan: Yeah. Couldn't imagine what he'd want now.
[Puts his hat over his face]
Sam,: Sam wants a drink of water. Sam wants...
[drowned by the laughter, both the Skipper and Gilligan are startled enough from this to fall out of their respective hammocks]

Thurston: I'll pay Gilligan the same wages as you do.
Jonas: No, you won't, Howell. Nobody's gonna underpay my little buddy except me.
Gilligan: You're all heart, Skipper.

Gilligan: Mrs. Howell, I might blow up.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Oh, don't you dare get angry with me!

Gilligan: I must have overlooked the pattern.

Gilligan: You know I never play with a submarine in the bathtub. You gotta watch out where you sit.

Gilligan: I'm sorry Skipper. It worked for me. I just shoved it in my ear, and it came out my mouth.
Jonas: It's easy for you, Gilligan. There's nothing in between.

Gilligan: [At the end of the dream sequence, Gilligan took off his crown, placed it in front of his feet and is shown stomping on it to destroy it] I don't wanna be king! I don't wanna be king! I don't wanna be king!

[repeated line]
Gilligan: Gee whiz, Professor!

[Mr. Howell, the Professor, and Skipper are dressed as women in an attempt to fool some visiting natives looking for a "white goddess" to throw into their volcano]
Jonas: [chuckling] Well, I must say, you two are a gruesome twosome!
Thurston: You don't make us a thrillsome threesome, I might say.
Professor: You know, I don't think this is going to work.
Thurston: Maxine, I don't know about you and Laverne, but I'm getting out of this.
Jonas: Wait a minute! Where's Gilligan? Gilligan?
[shouting]
Jonas: Gilligan!
Gilligan: [running in to hut] Somebody call... me?
Gilligan: I'd hate to judge this beauty contest, because nobody'd win!
[giggles]

Gilligan: Skipper, should I pick the yellow bananas or the red bananas, because the yellow bananas are green.
Skipper: Then pick the red ones.
Gilligan: But the red ones are pink.
Skipper: Gilligan, I don't care if you pick red-white-and-blue bananas, just pick some bananas!
Gilligan: Okay, Skipper... Blue bananas?

Gilligan: [after finding a key in the briefcase that unlocks the handcuffs] Professor I don't have to worry about enemy spies showing up and killing me!
Professor: [Looking at the contents of the briefcase] No, I don't think we have to worry about enemy spies showing up at all.
Jonas: Huh? You mean these are not vital United States Defense Plans?
Professor: These are vital Defense Plans alright. From World War I.
Jonas: World War I?
Professor: Yes, that case must have been floating around in the Pacific for over fifty years.

Gilligan: I'm hexed. I'm hexed.
The: What are you gonna do?
Gilligan: I'm getting the *hex* out of here!

Skipper: You don't know anything about space.
Gilligan: I do know one thing. You take up more of it than I do.

Skipper: [the Skipper comes out in a grass skirt for the party with the natives] Well, Gilligan... How do I look?
Gilligan: Like a bowl of soggy shredded wheat.
Skipper: Well, Gilligan... Since we're passing around the comments... I've seen whisk brooms that look better than you.
Gilligan: Ha ha.

Gilligan: And another thing, the Skipper told me to tell everybody else, including you, to bring your, um, bare essentials.
Ginger: We'd be happy to.
Mary: Me too.
Gilligan: Oh, okay. I'll keep my eyes closed.

Ginger: We did find all the things you've lost on the island since we landed here, Bubblegum wrappers, baseball cards... .
Jonas: And your library card, your bank book... .
Mary: And the pages you've been tearing off the calendar...
Professor: And that great American novel you keep starting.
Gilligan: Well, at least we did clean up the island.

Professor: I asked you to listen to the radio.
Gilligan: Oh I did, I heard a new song, it goes, Don't go in there, Yeah, yeah, yeah, There's nothing in there, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jonas: Gilligan, what's this? Taking a bath in the middle of the day?
Gilligan: Skipper, did you see that big mud puddle behind the hut?
Gilligan: Yes.
Jonas: I didn't.

[the castaways have set up a courtroom and are conducting a trial]
Thurston: Your Honor, will you get another gavel?
Professor: Why?
Thurston: That one's squirting milk all over me.
[Later in the same courtroom sequence]
Skipper: Ginger's very damaging to us.
Gilligan: Yeah, her testimony.
Skipper: No, her legs.
[And finally...]
Thurston: I'd like to charge Mary Ann with murder.
Professor: Murder?
Thurston: Her testimony's killing me.

Gilligan: Skipper, Skipper, wake up! Wake up!
Jonas: What's the matter? What is it, Little Buddy?
Gilligan: I just saw a ghost. Out there.
Jonas: Oh, for goodness sakes, Gilligan, you didn't just wake me out of a sound sleep to tell me about your nightmare?
Gilligan: No, no, no, I saw a real live ghost out there!
Jonas: Gilligan, people are alive, ghosts are dead.
Gilligan: Then I saw a real dead ghost and he ran that way!

Jonas: [Last lines] I guess it will be a long time before you'll eat another mushroom.
Mary: [Happy] You can say that again.
Jonas: I guess it will be a long time...
[laughs]
Gilligan: [Gladly] Don't worry about mushrooms anymore, I got a book that tells all about them.
Jonas: [Curious] You do?
Gilligan: [Explaining] Huh huh. Yeah, and it's called, "'How to Tell A Mushroom From a Toadstool'" by the late Dr. Morton Kepstone.
Jonas: [Shocked] The late?
Gilligan: [Also shocked] The late?

Thurston: Oh, Gilligan.
Gilligan: Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Howell.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Is there something wrong, Gilligan?
Thurston: Yes, yes, my boy. You seem like you're in another world.
Gilligan: Mr. Howell, don't say that, I want to stay here in this world.
Thurston: Permission granted. Ha!
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Thurston, you're so democratic.
Thurston: Lovey, Lovey, Watch your language.

Jonas: [as the bailiff] Order in the court, the trial is now in session, his honor Lord Anthony Armstrong, hanging. All rise.
Thurston: [as the judge] Ladies and gentlemen, members of the jury, friends, and relatives. Now the case before us is one of crime and murder, therefore I must caution you to withhold judgment until all the facts are in, therefore we must assume that Doctor Gilligan is innocent until proven guilty.
[pause]
Thurston: Where is the filthy killer?
Mrs. Lovey Howell: [as Doctor Gilligan's attorney] The filthy killer is right here, your honor.
Gilligan: I object, I object, I most strenuously object.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: You can't object to me.
Gilligan: I can.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: You can't.
Gilligan: I can.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: You can't.
Gilligan: Drat, she has as many can't's as I have can's.

Professor: [Gilligan & The Professor are digging a hole to bury the statue of Kona] There. That should be deep enough.
Gilligan: Make it a little deeper, Professor. I want to put him down so deep he'll get the bends.
Professor: Gilligan, that statue is not getting out of this hole.
Gilligan: Please make it a little deeper.
[the professor digs for a bit more, then puts the statue in the hole]
Jonas: [the Skipper comes along and falls into the hole. He sees what's in the hole with him, jumps out and runs away] Aaah! Kona!
Gilligan: Hey Skipper! Watch out for that
[sharp cracking sound]
Gilligan: tree.

['Gilligan' the Russian spy and Mr. Howell are playing a game of chess]
Gilligan: Mr. Howell, you just moved your king to a new place!
Thurston: Wait a minute! Young man, are you accusing a Howell of cheating? I'll have you know I'm far too wealthy...
Gilligan: To cheat?
Thurston: No, to be accused!

Jonas: How come you got up so early?
Gilligan: I wanted to get an early start, catch something nice for dinner, something you like.
Jonas: Ah, the early bird catches the worm.
Gilligan: You like worms? I got a nice batch of lobsters, but if you like worms.

Jonas: And we get paid for a day's work!
Gilligan: Who cares about money?
Thurston: Wait a minute, wait a minute, who said a dirty word, "Who cares about money?"

Gilligan: Please help me, Professor! I... I wouldn't be a good vampire! I faint at the sight of blood! I'll starve to death!

Gilligan: [Gilligan is now seeing double; the Howells come up to him] Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Howell and friends.

Professor: Listen, Gilligan, how far down was she? How many feet?
Gilligan: Professor, in navy circles, we don't say "feet". We say "fathoms".
Professor: All right, how many fathoms?
Gilligan: Oh I don't know, about 15 feet.

Jonas: [Coming outside to Gilligan after he woke up from the dream and had tried to get the lightning rod to the meteor, but tripped and inadvertently threw it and it stuck in the meteor] Gilligan! Are you okay?
Gilligan: Yeah I'm okay!
Jonas: Where's the lightning rod!
Gilligan: I don't know! I tripped and it flew out of my hand and I don't know where it landed!
Jonas: [Points] LOOK!
[Cut to the meteor, where the lightning rod has attracted a bolt, which after a few seconds, helps to blow up the meteor]
Jonas: Oh my goodness! That lightning bolt blew it into a million pieces!

Skipper: I guess it will be a long time before you'll eat another mushroom.
Mary: You can say that again.
Skipper: I guess it will be a long time...
[laughs]
Gilligan: Don't worry about mushrooms anymore, I got a book that tells all about them.
Skipper: You do?
Gilligan: Huh huh. Yeah, and it's called, "'How to Tell A Mushroom From a Toadstool'" by the late Dr. Morton Kepstone.
Skipper: Late?
Gilligan: Late?

Ugundi: [challenging him to a fight] Ugundi fight you for Kalani. Sun high in sky. Ugundi go way till sun go down. You know what happen when sun go down?
Gilligan: Gilligan go down.

Thurston: What is money?
Gilligan: I don't know, Mr. Howell. It's all so difficult. It's so hard to remember money is something you never spend. That's it. Money's something you never spend.
Thurston: That's right. You just make more of it.

The: You mean they think this camera landed on Mars?
Professor: Exactly.
Gilligan: Then there is life on Mars because we're alive!
The: Some of us are!
Gilligan: Imagine getting shipwrecked and landing on Mars! Boy, What a storm!

Jonas: Oh, never mind, Professor, I'll test her myself! Now Ginger, start reading.
Ginger: Um, 36... 22...
[pauses]
Ginger: 36... Tsk-tsk-tsk.
Jonas: Well, Ginger, I was trying to figure out the longitude and latitude of... this island.
Gilligan: Oh-no, you weren't, Skipper. You were thinking about Gin...
Jonas: Never mind, Gilligan! You try, Professor.
Professor: All right, Ginger, read my mind.
Ginger: 36-22-36.
Professor: Well, that's just the atomic weight of sodium hydrochloride.

Professor: [Gilligan has been given a new potion to cure his seeing upside down. After he opens his eyes, he covers them again] What's the matter, Gilligan? Are you still seeing upside down?
Gilligan: [Shakes his head] No, Professor.
Professor: Then why are you covering your eyes?
Gilligan: Because I'm now seeing two of each. I see one Skipper, two Skipper, one Professor, two Professor.

Jonas: Gilligan, couldn't you hear everyone calling you?
Gilligan: I could hear them if I was in Hawaii.

Gilligan: It's the way everybody's treating me. Much too fancy, like I was made of glass or something.
Thurston: Not glass, my boy. Gold! You're made of solid gold. From your toes to your head, solid gold.

Kalani: You know what happen when sun go down?
Gilligan: Gilligan go down.

Gilligan: [as "Hamlet," flubbing his line about "get thee to a nunnery" to Ginger, playing "Ophelia"] There is nothing left to do, Ophelia... but to get thee to a notarary.
[Ginger nods]

Skipper: Gilligan, little buddy, come with me.
Gilligan: I'm not finished yet.
Skipper: Gilligan, come with me!
Gilligan: I'm finished.

Gilligan: My grandmother always said, 'Never criticize anyone else unless you can do better yourself.
Ginger: That's it! Gilligan, you've done it again!
Gilligan: I don't know what it is that I'm doing, but I sure as heck keep doing it!

Thurston: [During the dialogue The Professor has with Ginger, each cut to the other has very bad close ups of parts of their heads and face] Well, What's that ugly thing?
Gilligan: It's Ginger's mouth.
[Ginger turns insulted]

Gilligan: Dumb old mine! I'm going to give it a good, swift kick!
Jonas: Gilligan, don't!
[steps between Gilligan and the mine. Gilligan ends up accidentally kicking him in the leg]
Jonas: Oh, my shin!

Native: You dead king. Why you not speak real Kupa-Kai?
Gilligan: I've been dead so long... . I forgot?

Gilligan: [Up in the coconut tree, mocking the Skipper as he looks for coconuts] Gilligan, do this. Gilligan, do that. Gilligan, go here. Gilligan, go there. Gilligan get this, Gilligan get that. Boy I'd have a life of leisure if only my name weren't Gilligan. The Skipper wants me to get six more? Maybe I won't get him six!
[Dejected]
Gilligan: Okay I'll get him six.
[Looks off to his left]
Gilligan: Oh, there's six.
[Starts reaching for it]
Gilligan: C'mon baby.
[Starts slipping]
Gilligan: Uh-oh.
[Falls out of tree]
Gilligan: HELLLLLP!
[Thud]

[Gilligan sees everything upside down, so the Skipper reluctantly stands on his head]
Skipper: For a little guy, you sure get in a lot of trouble!
Gilligan: That's because I try harder.
Skipper: The things I do for you...
Gilligan: Sorry, Skipper, but this is the only way I can talk to you without falling down. Or up. Or sideways.
Professor: [Walks out of hut with a potion for Gilligan] Skipper, you are standing upside-down, aren't you?
Skipper: Well of course I'm standing upside-down, Professor!
Professor: Oh. Good; for a minute I thought I was working too hard.

Ginger: My jewelry!
Thurston: My golf ball!
Jonas: My nails!
Mary: My dishes!
Gilligan: My teeth!
Mrs. Lovey Howell: My goodness!

[last lines]
Jonas: Just look at that mess, Gilligan.
Gilligan: It won't take long to clean it up with all three of us.
Jonas: "All three of us?"
Professor: "All three of us?"
Gilligan: Yeah, all three of us. Me, myself, and I.

The: It all started when we took those relics out of the cave, right? So we collect them all, put them back in, and that oughta satisfy whoever's putting this curse on us!
Gilligan: Yeah, and once they're satisfied, they'll dezombie the Professor!
The: 'Dezombie'?
Gilligan: Unzombie... exzombie?
The: Well, never mind. Now look, I want you to get over to the girls' hut and collect all the stuff that you gave them. I'll go over to the Howells and collect their stuff.
Gilligan: Yeah.
The: Alright! Come on, on your way!
[Gilligan leaves the hut]
The: Unzombie? Dezombie? Exzombie? I wonder which one it is.
Gilligan: [Reentering behind Skipper] DISzombie!
The: [Turns around and glares at Gilligan]
Gilligan: Datzombie?

Ginger: [She comes up to Gilligan, who is still seeing upside down, and he covers his eyes] Why are you covering your eyes?
Gilligan: Because I'm afraid to open them.
Ginger: Well, why?
Gilligan: Because you're upside down, and I'm afraid your dress will fall up.

Gilligan: [Dressed as a tree] Help! Skipper! I'm being attacked!
Skipper: By what, little buddy?
Gilligan: By a woodpecker.
[a woodpecker is shown tapping at the side of his head]
Gilligan: [to the woodpecker] Shoo. Shoo. HEY!
[the woodpecker stops, and Gilligan looks at it for a few seconds]
Gilligan: You gonna keep pecking my *head*?
[the woodpecker appears to nod "yes", and Gilligan turns away resigned as it continues]

[first lines]
Skipper: Hey, Gilligan! Gilligan!
Gilligan: Oh, my gosh. Man overboard.
[Dives off the Minnow]
Gilligan: I'll save you, Skipper!
[Crash lands on the beach]

Jonathan: [Realizing the island is full] We? You mean there's other people on this island BESIDES you?
Gilligan: [Nodding] Yeah, there's six of us on the other side of the island.

Gilligan: [as Hamlet] There is nothing left for you but to get thee to a notarary.
[Ginger looks confused]

Gilligan: Ginger, you're in show business. How were we?
Ginger: Gilligan, that act couldn't get booked on Devil's Island.

Professor: Now gentlemen, on the one hand there may be nothing to worry about.
Gilligan: Good!
Professor: But on the other hand...
Gilligan: I knew it, it's always the other hand that gets in trouble!

Jonas: Gee Professor, I wish I had your brain!
Gilligan: If you did, the Professor would have an awfully big hole in his head.

[Last lines]
Native: [says something unintelligible to Gilligan]
Gilligan: [calls to Professor] What's he saying, Professor?
Native: [turns, calls to Professor]
Professor: [calls to Gilligan] Oh, he just said you first have to pass the Best Man Test.
Gilligan: [calls to Professor] Best Man Test? What's that?
Native: [calls to Professor, holds up six fingers and mimes blowing a small dart]
Professor: [calls to Gilligan] Poison darts at six paces!
Gilligan: [stands up in boat] Poison darts at six paces?
[leaps overboard, swims ashore, and runs away]

Jonas: Did you hear that, Gilligan?
Gilligan: My right ear heard it, but my left ear is still waiting for the translation.

Skipper: I am not marrying that fat native girl!
Gilligan: Well, you're not so skinny yourself.

Gilligan: Well, he finally got it over home plate.

Gilligan: [after the storm, Gilligan opens the door to the hut they were all taking shelter in] Skipper? What are you doing in the lagoon?
Jonas: Never mind what am I doing in the lagoon! What's the *hut* doing out here?

Harold: Quiet!... Quiet!... If I say you're an actor, you're an actor
Gilligan: Okay... So I'm an actor.
Harold: Believe me... You are no actor.

Professor: [Sees Gilligan coming back with a lobster trap and the stick the Professor was using] Gilligan, where did you find that stick?
Gilligan: Oh this old stick? I've been using it to tie my lobster trap from.
Professor: Oh really? Well that old stick just happens to be the same stick I had been using to measure the water in the lagoon.
Gilligan: [Gulps] I've been putting it out deeper to catch bigger lobsters.
Professor: Well, that explains it. The island isn't sinking after all.

Jonas: What have you got to say for yourself, you low-lying sea serpent
Gilligan: Nothing. Us sea serpents can't talk.

Gilligan: I once stared at a man-eating tiger for two hours and twenty-six minutes, and it didn't bite me.
Jonas: But Gilligan, that tiger was behind bars!

Gilligan: You're right that was a real rotten thing they did they leave as an album and they didn't even autograph it.

Professor: [Explaining the situation with Mary Ann] Ginger, the blow to her head caused Mary Ann to assume the identity of the only famous actress she's ever known, you.
Gilligan: [Agreeing] It's a lucky thing she didn't know Lassie.

Jonas: We've got to have this hut finished by tonight, there's a storm brewing out there someplace.
Gilligan: Oh.
[Spills water on The Skipper]
Jonas: Thanks a lot, Gilligan! This was the only dry shirt I had left!

Ginger: My, don't you look handsome today.
Gilligan: I'm all covered with tar.
Ginger: Some men wear tar better than others.

Ginger: [as Ophelia] But where to hide?
Gilligan: [as Hamlet] Hide anyplace... but don't go near the water.

Gilligan: Skipper, when I go, I want the flowers on the outside, not on the inside.

Mary: [Gilligan is standing guard outside a hut where the Professor and the Skipper are assembling a geiger counter] Is everyone ready for the Christmas party?
Ginger: Christmas party? You mean birthday party!
Lovey: Anniversary party!
Thurston: Young man, what do you have to say for yourself?
Gilligan: Just one word.
[turns and opens door of hut]
Gilligan: HELP!
[Skipper and Professor fall over in surprise, ruining progress on assembling the Geiger counter]

Jonas: Wait a minute, little buddy? Where's the fire?
Gilligan: Back there in Mary-Gin... Gin-Mary... Or whatever her name is!

Thurston: You had an eight. I believe that I had a four.
Gilligan: A four? You millionaires can make yourselves believe anything.

Thurston: Gilligan, my boy, I've prepared a dish to titillate even your unsophisticated palate. Behold, la spécialité de la maison.
Gilligan: What is it? It smells like fish stew.
Thurston: Fish stew? It's a world-famous French recipe -- bouillabaisse.
Gilligan: It sure smells like fish stew!
Thurston: No, no, no, no, no, it's not fish stew; it's bouillabaisse!
Gilligan: What does bouillabaisse mean in English?
Thurston: Errr -- fish stew.

Gilligan: I wish you would stop calling me "little buddy". I'm in my 40s for crying out loud.

Gilligan: [the Skipper and Gilligan are in Dr. Balinkov's dining room and a dog comes up and meows] Skipper... I know we've been shipwrecked a long time, but doesn't a dog go woof woof?
Jonas: [Nervously] I-I think so...
[the Skipper pets the dog]
Jonas: Nice dog... uh cat.

Jonas: It's such a big crate, it could be anything.
Gilligan: No, it's couldn't be anything, Skipper. It couldn't be Denver, Colorado.

Dr. Boris Balinkoff: I am Dr. Boris Balinkoff.
Gilligan: The mad scientist.
Dr. Boris Balinkoff: No... Scientist, yes... mad, no!

Ginger: I think the two things I miss the most are vegetables and dates.
Gilligan: We have plenty of dates here on the island.
Ginger: Not the kind I miss.

Gilligan: Hiya, Professor. What are you doing?
Professor: I'm making notes for a book. It's to be a chronicle of our adventures on the island... I think it's a book people will want to buy, don't you?
Gilligan: Sure, I'll buy one. I'm dying to find out what happens to us.

Eva: My name is Eva Grubb.
Gilligan: [sympathetically] Well, it's not too great a name, but you always can change it!

Ginger: [She finished talking to Gilligan seductively with her arms around his neck in order to distract him enough to discreetly take his four-leaf clover medallion off his neck and slip it in her pocketbook, after she finished she seems disappointed she couldn't successfully seduce him] Oh well. I guess I don't have what it takes.
Gilligan: [Holding up the medallion to show her] You also don't have what you took, either.
Ginger: [Shocked, she opens her pocketbook to see it's not in there] Oh Gilligan! You're impossible!
[She storms off while Gilligan acts giddy]

Gilligan: I can't see how you are going to figure out how I read minds by asking me what happened as a kid.
Ginger: Well, I think I can. Did your father ever beat you?
Gilligan: Yes
Ginger: He did?
Gilligan: All the time.
Ginger: And your mother let him?
Gilligan: She used to beat me too.
Ginger: Oh, you poor thing.
Gilligan: How else could I learn to play checkers?

Gilligan: You know, Skipper. I'm very happy to be here. I'm so happy, I could kiss the ground.
[kisses the sand, then spits it out]
Gilligan: This island tastes terrible.

Gilligan: What was that stuff you just gave me?
Eunice: That will help you sleep, it's a sedative.
Gilligan: Thanks, Mrs. Howell, but you're wasting your time. Those things don't work on me. I remember once...
[falls asleep]

Gilligan: [Last line; after the castaways found out on the radio their rescue from the dictator wasn't going to happen] Okay everyone. Repeat after me. Buenos noches.
[Dejected]
Gilligan: Good night.

Gilligan: [Imitating Glinda the Good Witch of the North from The Wizard of Oz] Are you a good ghost or a bad ghost?
The: Good ghost.
Gilligan: Then why do you scare people?
The: Because people scare me!

Professor: He might be able to pull it off.
Gilligan: Oh, no. I'm not gonna dress up like a girl!
Jonas: Oh, yes you are! And that's an order!
Gilligan: I'm not gonna dress up like a girl, and you can't make me.
[scene segues to Gilligan in drag]
Gilligan: You can't make me! You can't make me!

Gilligan: Do those headhunters really collect heads, Professor?
Professor: Yes, Gilligan. They boil them... they shrink them... and then they mount them on sticks.
Gilligan: Eeeeeeew, what a crazy cane!

Gilligan: Mrs. Howell, don't worry about the wild animals.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: No?
Gilligan: They usually fall in the quicksand.

Professor: I'll get Mr. Howell and we'll reconnoiter.
Skipper: All right, we'll get Mr. Howell and we'll reconnoiter. Come on.
Gilligan: Okay, but I think we ought to scout around a bit first.

Gilligan: I can't believe it - you're for real!
Erika: Thank you, darling!
[Touches Gilligan's nose]
Erika: I can see that you're for real, too.
[Alluding to plastic surgery, for which Gabor was famous]

Gilligan: [the Professor woke up from his sleep after Gilligan panicked] Professor, you shouldn't be walking around dead. It might be fatal!
Ginger: We were just rehearsing a scene from a play I was once in.
Gilligan: What about the gun huh? What about the gun?
Ginger: This gun?
[Shoots the gun]
Ginger: Blanks.
Jonas: Oh thank goodness it was just blanks.
[Gilligan shown on the floor unconscious]

Gilligan: [the Skipper is dressed like he's Gilligan's mother in the dream sequence, and after serving a bowl of soup to him] You're not my mother.
Jonas: [Still in character as his mom] How'd you figure that out?
Gilligan: Because my mother makes me wash my hands before I eat, and besides my mother was a woman!
[Yanks the Skipper's wig off, and points his gun at him]
Jonas: [No longer in character] Alright, Agent 014, what do you plan to do? Kill me!
Gilligan: Nah, that's too easy! I got a better idea!
[Motions to the chair]
Gilligan: Sit down at the table! EAT YOUR SOUP! AND DON'T SPILL A DROP!
[the Skipper hesitantly does so]

Jonas: [after Gilligan, Mary Ann, and Ginger talk out of character amongst one another] Watubi, what is it? What's the matter?
Gilligan: [Out of character] We forgot our lines.
[Ginger and Mary Ann nudge him again, back in character]
Gilligan: Nothing my son.
[Smacks him on the stomach again with his wand]

Ginger: Is there a brave decent person on this island who would want to?
Gilligan: No, but there's a rotten cowardly person who doesn't want to.

Ginger: Now, what does that totem pole got that I don't?
Gilligan: Three heads?
Ginger: [looking back at the totem pole] You win.

Gilligan: First one to drop it is out!
Jonas: First one to drop it, we all get out! The hard way!

Mary: Where's Gilligan?
Ginger: We forgot about Gilligan.
Jonas: Oh, the last time I saw Gilligan, he was collecting feathers for some ridiculous idea that he had.
Mary: Skipper, look.
[they see Gilligan on the roof of a hut with wings he made from feathers]
Jonas: Gilligan, come down here right now.
Gilligan: Skipper, I've been watching the birds fly. It's real easy.
Jonas: Gilligan, come down here right now.
Gilligan: Okay, here I come.
[he flaps his wings and floats in the air]
Jonas: Gilligan, you can't fly. It's impossible.
Gilligan: I can't?
Jonas: No!
Gilligan: Oh. Mmm.
[stops flapping his wings and falls to the ground]
Jonas: Gilligan! Gilligan, little buddy! Are you all right?
Gilligan: Why did you have to say that? Impossible? Why did you have to say that?

Mrs. Lovey Howell: If you must know, I'm trying to shoot Mr. Howell.
Gilligan: Oh no, Mrs. Howell, don't do that. I know married couples have tiffs.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Don't be silly... With a camera, Gilligan.

Gilligan: I had a little scratch and the girls tried to cure me... I'm lucky got out alive!

Harold: Silence!
Gilligan: I didn't say anything.
Harold: If I know you, you will.

Thurston: Oh, Shut up, will you Gilligan!
Jonas: You can't tell Gilligan to shut up! I'll tell him when to shut up!
Gilligan: Thanks skipper. Now folks...
Jonas: Shut up, Gilligan!

Gilligan: [Speaking into the transmitter] The owl and the pussycat went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat.

Skipper: There's a table in this Navy manual that tells me how much I should weigh.
Gilligan: Maybe it's under "tonnage".

Al: This is Al Schottelkotte from WCPO. We interrupt this program for a special announcement regarding the Randolph Blake murder case.
Gilligan: Did you hear that Skipper? The Blake case!
Jonas: Yes, Gilligan, I heard! Shh!
Al: After conducting extensive experiments with the spear gun, which was the cause of death, the authorities are now convinced that Randolph Blake met his unfortunate fate as a result of an accident.
Gilligan: Did you hear that Skipper? Did you hear that?
Jonas: Yes, Gilligan, I heard it. Now will you be quiet?
Al: Numerous tests with the spear gun indicated that the firing mechanism could be triggered by any sudden movement, such as the slamming of a door.
Gilligan: That's just what we did! That's just what we did!
Jonas: I can hardly believe it!
Al: And that's how it happened. Believe it or not!

Professor: It's working, he's afraid of himself.
Gilligan: That makes it unanimous!

Gilligan: [after the raft sank in the lagoon, and the castaways make it back to shore] Hey Skipper? We sank anyway without the gold.
Jonas: Oh, I'm afraid this is all my fault, folks. Why I didn't think one bag of gold would sink us.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Two bags.
Thurston: Three bags.
Ginger: Four bags.
Professor: Five bags.
Mary: Six bags.
Gilligan: [after they all looked at him, he scoffs] That's a switch. Usually I'm one left holding the bag.

Professor: [the Professor takes a sponge and applies to Gilligan's nose by he pushes it away] Take it easy Gilligan it's just a cold compress.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: [Watching The Professor rubbing Gilligan's nose with a sponge] Ah, Your poor, poor nose! It really is an awful mess. It's actually swollen to the size of a 55 carat diamond!
Professor: Oh, please Mrs. Howell!
Gilligan: [Beginning to fret] Professor, it's broken; it's broken!
Professor: [Disagreeing] Gilligan, I'm sure it's just bruised; it's only slightly swollen.
Ginger: [Shocked] Slightly swollen? Gilligan, you'd better look out for the pelicans during mating season!"

Gilligan: Skipper, I had a dream. I dreamt we were all cave people, and do you know where we lived?
Jonas: In caves?
Gilligan: Yeah, you must have had the same dream. We were all cave people, and we were trying to escape...
Jonas: Look Gilligan, we don't have time to talk about your dream. We're supposed to shove off to Hawaii.
Professor: I'm afraid it would all be a waste of time.
Jonas: What would be a waste of time?
Professor: Well, I'm afraid I've made a terrible mistake.
Jonas: You've made a mistake?
Professor: Yes, you see, cuneiform, which is the oldest form of writing, was originated by the Sumerians, and is read demotically, however, I read the tablet as though it were boustrophedon, you see?
Gilligan: Yeah, I see fine; I also hear pretty good, but I didn't understand one word you said.
Jonas: I've got to admit, a couple of those words went past me too.
Professor: Well, basically, all ancient forms of writing are read from right to left; I read from left to right. So, instead of telling us how to leave the island, the tablet tells us something they considered much more important, which is how to get to here.
Jonas: You mean the tablet tells how to get on the island?
Gilligan: What's so tough about that? We did it without even trying.

Gilligan: What was that?
Thurston: J.P. Morgan rolling over in his grave!

Gilligan: [as a vampire, standing before an open window] I shall swoop down upon their unsuspecting necks!
[Gilligan jumps out of the window, followed shortly by a crashing sound. Gilligan is then seen climbing back in through the same window]
Ginger: [as Gilligan the vampire's wife] What happened?
Gilligan: I forgot to turn into a bat!
Ginger: What kind of a vampire are you, anyway?

Gilligan: Skipper, are you asleep?
Jonas: [sarcastically] Yes.
Gilligan: Oh, well when you wake up will you tell me if you've seen my rabbit's foot?

Gilligan: [Describing the dream and what everyone was in it] You Skipper. You were my mother.
Jonas: [Stunned] I was your mother?
[Gilligan nods, then Skipper starts to laugh it off]
Jonas: Wow, imagine how bad your father must've felt!

The: Have you fellows seen my pocket knife? It seems to have disappeared.
Gilligan: No. I haven't seen it. Have you, Skipper?
The: Nope.
Gilligan: Hey, maybe it fell through the hole in your pocket.
The: I don't have a hole in my pocket.
Gilligan: You lost that, too, huhn?

Gilligan: He treated me like a father!
Mary: He was like a father to me!
Ginger: He was like a father to me!
Mrs. Lovey Howell: He was like a husband to me!

Thurston: The name Howell has always stood for elan, stood for style, noblesse oblige.
Gilligan: Don't forget money.
Thurston: Money means power and with power comes responsibility in your behavior toward others.

Gilligan: Skipper, is that you?
Jonas: No, it's not the Skipper. I'm Frankenstein's monster.

The: [to Skipper and Gilligan] I would say it was a geological phenomenon caused by volcanic activity beneath the Earth's surface resulting into concentration of heat at a specific location.
Gilligan: That makes sense to me, but there's one thing I don't understand.
The: Oh, what's that?
Gilligan: How come the ground got so hot underneath our feet?

Jonas: [a flash happens outside the hut the Skipper is in] Fire! Fire!
[In comes Gilligan dressed as Watubi with Mary Ann and Ginger as his assistants]
Jonas: Watubi! I didn't think you were gonna make it!
Gilligan: [Out of character] Neither did I.
[Ginger and Mary Ann nudge him, goes into character]
Gilligan: Watubi here to lift Curse of Kona!
[Smacks the Skipper on his stomach with his wand]

Gilligan: [Gilligan is taunting Jackson after his money gets chopped up in the boat propeller] Cheaters never prosper!

Jonas: Think of it, ever since we got to this island, we've had nothing but bad luck. One disaster after another. What do you think caused it?
Gilligan: I thought we all agreed it was me.

Professor: [Last lines; Skipper and The Professor are doing a chore, completely cleaned of the feathers from earlier] Skipper, aren't you being a little hard on poor Gilligan?
The: Absolutely not, Professor. All of this is his fault with those feathers. I'm just making the punishment fit the crime. What time is it?
Professor: [Looks at his watch] Yeah, it's 3 o'clock.
The: [Yells back to the hut] Gilligan! Gilligan! It's time again!
Gilligan: [the door to the hut opens slowly, and Gilligan shuffles out, with the feathers still on his body, then makes a 90 degree turn, and stops]
[Flapping his arms]
Gilligan: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
[Then turns and shuffles back into the hut as the door slowly closes behind him]