Top 50 Quotes From Professor Roy Hinkley

Mary: [the Professor is laying on Mary Ann's bed holding a handkerchief to his bloody nose and The girls are standing over him Ginger touches his temple and strokes his cheek and Mary Ann touches his cheek] Are you alright Professor?
Professor: [sits up a bit and takes the handkerchief away from his nose as he apologizes] Oh, I'm afraid I didn't help you rehearse very well, Ginger.
Ginger: [She places her other hand on his shoulder] Lay still, Professor, nosebleeds can be dangerous.
[Running her fingers through his hair]
Professor: [Ginger looks down at him] I didn't see the table when I fell, I guess I'm just a clumsy actor.
Ginger: Don't be silly Professor, you were marvelous.
Professor: [Sitting up some] Oh.
Ginger: [Pushes him back to the bed] Now come on lay back. You'll feel better.
Mary: [Agreeing with her] Just to be sure huh?
Ginger: [Ginger takes the bloodstained handkerchief from The Professor] In the meantime I'll take this handkerchief and I'll wash it.
Professor: [Sitting up] You know I just realized something, with some actors they have acting in their blood, with me I've got blood in my acting!
[laughs]

Ginger: Mata Hari reporting for duty.
Professor: Ginger, this is neither the time nor the place for a woman.
Ginger: Forget that I'm a woman. I'm a secret agent trying to capture the enemy.

Professor: Of course we have a tv. I rigged one using some coconuts in a picture tube that washed up on the shore.

Professor: Well, we all go through this sort of thing once in a while, Skipper. We don't appreciate what we've got until we lose it.

Professor: [Sees Gilligan coming back with a lobster trap and the stick the Professor was using] Gilligan, where did you find that stick?
Gilligan: Oh this old stick? I've been using it to tie my lobster trap from.
Professor: Oh really? Well that old stick just happens to be the same stick I had been using to measure the water in the lagoon.
Gilligan: [Gulps] I've been putting it out deeper to catch bigger lobsters.
Professor: Well, that explains it. The island isn't sinking after all.

Professor: Great, we've got a mechanical Gilligan!

Professor: We haven't got time for tomfoolery.
Ginger: Oh, yes, we do. I've got time for tomfoolery. Dick and Harry Foolery, too.

Professor: There tongo he's dropping a note the note says I'm very sorry, but I can't take you back with me because if word got out how I acted with gorilla it ruins my career as the apeman.

Professor: [the cave the castaways sought shelter in just minutes before has been destroyed by a lightning strike] It's completely destroyed!
Jonas: [Speaking to Gilligan] Little buddy, we came out here to save you, and you saved us!

Ginger: We did find all the things you've lost on the island since we landed here, Bubblegum wrappers, baseball cards... .
Jonas: And your library card, your bank book... .
Mary: And the pages you've been tearing off the calendar...
Professor: And that great American novel you keep starting.
Gilligan: Well, at least we did clean up the island.

Professor: Gilligan, I'm afraid we've been very uncouth lately.
Thurston: We're trying to make it up to you by making it a bit more couther. Webster will forgive me.

Professor: We need something to stick the lens back together.
Gilligan: How about rubber bands?
The: Where are we going to get rubber bands, Gilligan?
Gilligan: We could cut up my sneakers!
Professor: We all appreciate your sacrifice, Gilligan, but we need something that won't interfere with the camera lens. Some type of glue.
Thurston: Oh! Well, let's start drilling for some immediately!
The: Mr. Howell, you don't drill for glue!
Thurston: Oh no? You should see some of the oil wells I got stuck with!

Professor: Now gentlemen, on the one hand there may be nothing to worry about.
Gilligan: Good!
Professor: But on the other hand...
Gilligan: I knew it, it's always the other hand that gets in trouble!

Thurston: You know, I haven't had a bath in forty years.
Professor: [as banker] I know.
Thurston: [as prospector] Four cards for three card Monte?
Jonas: [as the gambler] Everything's gone up!

Professor: Well, until I can come up with a psychiatric approach to the problem, we're going to have to go along with her fantasy.
Jonas: You mean, we're going to have to go along with the fact that Mary Ann is Ginger?
Professor: Exactly, you see, as Ginger, Mary Ann will expect to see a Mary Ann among us.
Ginger: Well, where are we going to find a Mary Ann?
Professor: Well, one of us will have be Mary Ann.
Gilligan: Oh-no, I'm not going to be Mary Ann. I look terrible in pig tails.

Jonas: Oh, never mind, Professor, I'll test her myself! Now Ginger, start reading.
Ginger: Um, 36... 22...
[pauses]
Ginger: 36... Tsk-tsk-tsk.
Jonas: Well, Ginger, I was trying to figure out the longitude and latitude of... this island.
Gilligan: Oh-no, you weren't, Skipper. You were thinking about Gin...
Jonas: Never mind, Gilligan! You try, Professor.
Professor: All right, Ginger, read my mind.
Ginger: 36-22-36.
Professor: Well, that's just the atomic weight of sodium hydrochloride.

Professor: He might be able to pull it off.
Gilligan: Oh, no. I'm not gonna dress up like a girl!
Jonas: Oh, yes you are! And that's an order!
Gilligan: I'm not gonna dress up like a girl, and you can't make me.
[scene segues to Gilligan in drag]
Gilligan: You can't make me! You can't make me!

Thurston: How long before Gilligan revives?
Professor: About twenty-five minutes.
Thurston: I hope Ginger has a lot of veils.

Jonas: [During Mary Ann's dream after she thinks she ate some poisonous mushrooms] We've got to prepare for an operation. Where can we find a kitchen table?
Professor: Now just a minute, doctor. We've got to scrub up. Now nurse, where do we go to scrub up?
Ginger: Walk this way, gentlemen.
[Ginger walks sexily across the room to the sinks]
Jonas: We'll try and walk that way ma'am. but I don't think we'll make it.

Professor: [the Professor takes a sponge and applies to Gilligan's nose by he pushes it away] Take it easy Gilligan it's just a cold compress.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: [Watching The Professor rubbing Gilligan's nose with a sponge] Ah, Your poor, poor nose! It really is an awful mess. It's actually swollen to the size of a 55 carat diamond!
Professor: Oh, please Mrs. Howell!
Gilligan: [Beginning to fret] Professor, it's broken; it's broken!
Professor: [Disagreeing] Gilligan, I'm sure it's just bruised; it's only slightly swollen.
Ginger: [Shocked] Slightly swollen? Gilligan, you'd better look out for the pelicans during mating season!"

Gilligan: [after the raft sank in the lagoon, and the castaways make it back to shore] Hey Skipper? We sank anyway without the gold.
Jonas: Oh, I'm afraid this is all my fault, folks. Why I didn't think one bag of gold would sink us.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Two bags.
Thurston: Three bags.
Ginger: Four bags.
Professor: Five bags.
Mary: Six bags.
Gilligan: [after they all looked at him, he scoffs] That's a switch. Usually I'm one left holding the bag.

Professor: [Gilligan & The Professor are digging a hole to bury the statue of Kona] There. That should be deep enough.
Gilligan: Make it a little deeper, Professor. I want to put him down so deep he'll get the bends.
Professor: Gilligan, that statue is not getting out of this hole.
Gilligan: Please make it a little deeper.
[the professor digs for a bit more, then puts the statue in the hole]
Jonas: [the Skipper comes along and falls into the hole. He sees what's in the hole with him, jumps out and runs away] Aaah! Kona!
Gilligan: Hey Skipper! Watch out for that
[sharp cracking sound]
Gilligan: tree.

Gilligan: Hiya, Professor. What are you doing?
Professor: I'm making notes for a book. It's to be a chronicle of our adventures on the island... I think it's a book people will want to buy, don't you?
Gilligan: Sure, I'll buy one. I'm dying to find out what happens to us.

The: [to Skipper] Simple. Gilligan was digging and he probably sprained a muscle.

Gilligan: [Enters The Profesor's hut] Hiya, Professor. What are you doing?
Professor: [Explaining] I'm making notes for a book. It's to be a chronicle of our adventures on the island... I think it's a book people will want to buy, don't you?
Gilligan: [Happy] Sure, I'll buy one. I'm dying to find out what happens to us.

[Mr. Howell, the Professor, and Skipper are dressed as women in an attempt to fool some visiting natives looking for a "white goddess" to throw into their volcano]
Jonas: [chuckling] Well, I must say, you two are a gruesome twosome!
Thurston: You don't make us a thrillsome threesome, I might say.
Professor: You know, I don't think this is going to work.
Thurston: Maxine, I don't know about you and Laverne, but I'm getting out of this.
Jonas: Wait a minute! Where's Gilligan? Gilligan?
[shouting]
Jonas: Gilligan!
Gilligan: [running in to hut] Somebody call... me?
Gilligan: I'd hate to judge this beauty contest, because nobody'd win!
[giggles]

Professor: Collecting these phosphorescent rocks is harder work than I imagined.
Jonas: Yeah, but one thing is sure making it easier.
Professor: What's that?
Jonas: The fact that Gilligan isn't here to help us.

Professor: Gilligan must have gone under when I was hypnotizing Mary Ann.
Jonas: Well, you've got to help him snap out of it, or I've got to get a new roommate!
Mrs. Lovey Howell: If you're looking for Gilligan or Mary Ann, whoever that skinny one is, you'll find him or her in the girl's hut.
Thurston: Maybe now it's the boy's hut!

Thurston: Oh dear, Professor, did we cause you to spill that?
Professor: Oh, not at all, Mrs. Howell, I've had so much practice, I could have spilled it myself.

[last lines]
Jonas: Just look at that mess, Gilligan.
Gilligan: It won't take long to clean it up with all three of us.
Jonas: "All three of us?"
Professor: "All three of us?"
Gilligan: Yeah, all three of us. Me, myself, and I.

[Last lines]
Native: [says something unintelligible to Gilligan]
Gilligan: [calls to Professor] What's he saying, Professor?
Native: [turns, calls to Professor]
Professor: [calls to Gilligan] Oh, he just said you first have to pass the Best Man Test.
Gilligan: [calls to Professor] Best Man Test? What's that?
Native: [calls to Professor, holds up six fingers and mimes blowing a small dart]
Professor: [calls to Gilligan] Poison darts at six paces!
Gilligan: [stands up in boat] Poison darts at six paces?
[leaps overboard, swims ashore, and runs away]

Jonas: What time did you say this was, Professor?
Professor: Shortly after eleven.
Jonas: Oh, well, then it couldn't have been me or Gilligan because we were both sound asleep.
Professor: Both of you?
Jonas: Well, yes, uh.
Professor: Well, then, Skipper if you were asleep how could you know that Gilligan was?
Jonas: Because he told me when he woke up.
Professor: Well, if Gilligan was asleep, how could he know that you were?
Jonas: Well, because I... uh, well...... Yeah, well, if there's anything I can't stand it's logic!

Gilligan: [Inside the Professor's hut] Could I get back the saw and the chisel that you borrowed?
Professor: Oh yeah. I loaned the chisel to the girls, but the saw's over here some place.
[as he looks, Gilligan looks around at the hut rather impressed, then pulls out a small palm leaf no more than three inches long, and the wall it was in immediately falls down, surprising both the Professor and Gilligan]
Professor: Gilligan! What did you do to that wall?
Gilligan: Oh I'm sorry, Professor. All I did was pull out this one little palm leaf, and the whole thing fell down.
Professor: [Disbelieving] Oh, Come on!
Gilligan: Honest, Professor! That's what happened!
Professor: You can't tell me that pulling out one little palm leaf could make a whole wall fall down.
[With that, he walks over to the opposing wall, with Gilligan in tow, and pulls about three feet of palm leaf out of the wall and shows it to him]
Professor: I built this place! You remember?
[Gilligan then looks closely at the wall, and pulls out a similar short palm leaf to the one he originally pulled out, making that wall fall, and the rest of the hut to collapse as well]

Professor: [Gilligan has been given a new potion to cure his seeing upside down. After he opens his eyes, he covers them again] What's the matter, Gilligan? Are you still seeing upside down?
Gilligan: [Shakes his head] No, Professor.
Professor: Then why are you covering your eyes?
Gilligan: Because I'm now seeing two of each. I see one Skipper, two Skipper, one Professor, two Professor.

Professor: Well, it must be their old abandoned Yacht, and this is silent picture equipment.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: I just love those old silent pictures and those marvelous silent picture stars. Oh, look, darling. There's 'Theda Bara' And there's Little 'Mary Pickford' and 'Rudolph Valentino'.

Professor: I'll get Mr. Howell and we'll reconnoiter.
Skipper: All right, we'll get Mr. Howell and we'll reconnoiter. Come on.
Gilligan: Okay, but I think we ought to scout around a bit first.

Thurston: What'd he say?
Professor: Good.

Professor: Listen, Gilligan, how far down was she? How many feet?
Gilligan: Professor, in navy circles, we don't say "feet". We say "fathoms".
Professor: All right, how many fathoms?
Gilligan: Oh I don't know, about 15 feet.

Professor: The Mosquitoes left us a note.
Thurston: They can write?
Professor: Apparently...

Thurston: [after they were under machine gun attack by the unseen gorilla] We are dealing with a super mentality, an enemy with an intelligence far superior to ours.
Professor: Mr. Howell, I shall have to contest your theory.
Thurston: You contest your commanding general? A man who studied under Robert E Lee and George Custer?
Jonas: You would pick two losers.

Professor: Fortunately I happen to know something about the construction of mannequins.

Professor: Oh, that wasn't much like Cary Grant, was it?
Ginger: That wasn't even much like General Grant!

Jonas: Wow, what a brilliant idea!
Professor: Well, frankly, Skipper, I think it's my most brilliant ideas. There's only one thing I'm not certain of.
Jonas: What's that?
Professor: If it will work.

Professor: When it comes to being tricky, ask a woman.

Gilligan: Do those headhunters really collect heads, Professor?
Professor: Yes, Gilligan. They boil them... they shrink them... and then they mount them on sticks.
Gilligan: Eeeeeeew, what a crazy cane!

Professor: [All the castaways are present, seated or standing around the communal table with the radio on it. They are all ad-libbing as the Professor hears the radio] Wait a minute! Quiet! The announcement, quiet! Quiet!
Radio: And now they are activating the robot's receptor spools to see if they can find out how it got to Hawaii. The next voice you hear will be that of the robot.
Robot: [mechanically] I have been on a deserted island. The putt breaks to the right.
Thurston: Well, it was a lucky shot!
Robot: [mechanically] Sweep back and forth, back and forth. I was stranded. This is the way we wash our clothes.
Radio: Ladies and gentlemen, the scientists from the laboratory are checking to see exactly what went wrong. Perhaps now we can learn the reason the recorded messages are all scrambled... A WHAT?... Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, a RABBIT'S FOOT was just found in the robot!
[as the announcer continues, everyone slowly looks directly at Gilligan, with those who were seated slowly getting up. Gilligan smiles rather embarrassingly whilst shying away from their stares]
Radio: It demagnetized the entire receptor spools. There is now no chance of finding out where the robot has been, who reprogrammed it, or how it got to Hawaii. For that matter, how the rabbit's foot got in there in the first place!
Professor: [Almost unbelievingly] GILLIGAN?
Gilligan: [Still not looking at them and still smiling embarrassingly] I just thought it'd bring us some luck, ya know?
[Gilligan then slips under the table while the Skipper and Professor go after him as the scene fades out]

Professor: I want all of you to know that the attache case is missing and until it is recovered you are all suspects!
Gilligan: Does that mean none of us can leave the island?

Professor: [after being introduced] Mrs Tiffany-Smith, you don't know what a pleasure this is.
Erika: I certainly intend to find out.

Professor: Mr. Howell, why are you serving us?
Thurston: Oh-no, it's become force of habit! What has happened to me?

The: Have you fellows seen my pocket knife? It seems to have disappeared.
Gilligan: No. I haven't seen it. Have you, Skipper?
The: Nope.
Gilligan: Hey, maybe it fell through the hole in your pocket.
The: I don't have a hole in my pocket.
Gilligan: You lost that, too, huhn?