50 Best Thurston Howell III Quotes

Jonas: And we get paid for a day's work!
Gilligan: Who cares about money?
Thurston: Wait a minute, wait a minute, who said a dirty word, "Who cares about money?"

Thurston: Oh, Gilligan.
Gilligan: Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Howell.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Is there something wrong, Gilligan?
Thurston: Yes, yes, my boy. You seem like you're in another world.
Gilligan: Mr. Howell, don't say that, I want to stay here in this world.
Thurston: Permission granted. Ha!
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Thurston, you're so democratic.
Thurston: Lovey, Lovey, Watch your language.

Thurston: Oh, Shut up, will you Gilligan!
Jonas: You can't tell Gilligan to shut up! I'll tell him when to shut up!
Gilligan: Thanks skipper. Now folks...
Jonas: Shut up, Gilligan!

Professor: We need something to stick the lens back together.
Gilligan: How about rubber bands?
The: Where are we going to get rubber bands, Gilligan?
Gilligan: We could cut up my sneakers!
Professor: We all appreciate your sacrifice, Gilligan, but we need something that won't interfere with the camera lens. Some type of glue.
Thurston: Oh! Well, let's start drilling for some immediately!
The: Mr. Howell, you don't drill for glue!
Thurston: Oh no? You should see some of the oil wells I got stuck with!

Thurston: What is money?
Gilligan: I don't know, Mr. Howell. It's all so difficult. It's so hard to remember money is something you never spend. That's it. Money's something you never spend.
Thurston: That's right. You just make more of it.

Thurston: What'd he say?
Professor: Good.

Thurston: Would you believe I once made less than a hole in one? I missed the ball and sank the divot. It's a golfing joke!

Gilligan: Mr. Howell, how do you get a newspaper out here on the island?
Thurston: My newsboy has a strong right arm.

Thurston: Gilligan, my boy, I've prepared a dish to titillate even your unsophisticated palate. Behold, la spécialité de la maison.
Gilligan: What is it? It smells like fish stew.
Thurston: Fish stew? It's a world-famous French recipe -- bouillabaisse.
Gilligan: It sure smells like fish stew!
Thurston: No, no, no, no, no, it's not fish stew; it's bouillabaisse!
Gilligan: What does bouillabaisse mean in English?
Thurston: Errr -- fish stew.

Jonas: Howell, I got to take my hat off to you. Beneath that rough exterior, there lies a heart of gold.
Thurston: No, if that were true, I'd have had it removed and minted years ago.

Thurston: What a modest unassuming chap.

Thurston: [after they were under machine gun attack by the unseen gorilla] We are dealing with a super mentality, an enemy with an intelligence far superior to ours.
Professor: Mr. Howell, I shall have to contest your theory.
Thurston: You contest your commanding general? A man who studied under Robert E Lee and George Custer?
Jonas: You would pick two losers.

Thurston: This is a very difficult instrument. It's easy to play a wind instrument.
Jonas: Yeah, especially for you with all that hot air.
Thurston: Heavens to Toscanini! I've been insulted!

Thurston: Here they come... What am I going to do?
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Oh, you knocked out Gilligan; you can certainly take care of them.

Jonas: Well, I always found myself as sort of the Western type
Thurston: Well, you are built like the Ponderosa.

Gilligan: It's the way everybody's treating me. Much too fancy, like I was made of glass or something.
Thurston: Not glass, my boy. Gold! You're made of solid gold. From your toes to your head, solid gold.

Thurston: How long before Gilligan revives?
Professor: About twenty-five minutes.
Thurston: I hope Ginger has a lot of veils.

Thurston: Good heavens nurse, put a bandage on that girl before she freezes to death!

Thurston: You contest your Commanding General? A man who studied under General Lee and George Custer?
Jonas: You would pick two losers.

Thurston: Mother warned me about you Vassar girls and your year-long gym classes.

Thurston: [the castaways discover Wiley has stolen their belongings and start to run after him] He even took my solid gold suspenders!
[Howell's pants fall down]

Professor: Gilligan must have gone under when I was hypnotizing Mary Ann.
Jonas: Well, you've got to help him snap out of it, or I've got to get a new roommate!
Mrs. Lovey Howell: If you're looking for Gilligan or Mary Ann, whoever that skinny one is, you'll find him or her in the girl's hut.
Thurston: Maybe now it's the boy's hut!

Thurston: He by golly sounds like our answer to Lloyd Bridges!

Thurston: [During the dialogue The Professor has with Ginger, each cut to the other has very bad close ups of parts of their heads and face] Well, What's that ugly thing?
Gilligan: It's Ginger's mouth.
[Ginger turns insulted]

Professor: Gilligan, I'm afraid we've been very uncouth lately.
Thurston: We're trying to make it up to you by making it a bit more couther. Webster will forgive me.

Thurston: Lovey, I struck another man!
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Oh, Thurston! Isn't it wonderful! You knocked him out!
Thurston: But I bruised my little pinkie!

Thurston: Gentlemen. I am Thurston Howell III and this of course is my wife, Mrs. Thurston Howell III.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Charmed.
Igor: Capitalist! Exploiter!
Thurston: Capitalist. Exploiter. I was wrong Lovey. They're very friendly!

Thurston: Oh dear, Professor, did we cause you to spill that?
Professor: Oh, not at all, Mrs. Howell, I've had so much practice, I could have spilled it myself.

Thurston: I don't have to eat this slop. I have friends on the outside, and one of them happens to be a chef.

Thurston: I could kill myself. I may climb up on top of my money and jump off.

Jonas: [as the bailiff] Order in the court, the trial is now in session, his honor Lord Anthony Armstrong, hanging. All rise.
Thurston: [as the judge] Ladies and gentlemen, members of the jury, friends, and relatives. Now the case before us is one of crime and murder, therefore I must caution you to withhold judgment until all the facts are in, therefore we must assume that Doctor Gilligan is innocent until proven guilty.
[pause]
Thurston: Where is the filthy killer?
Mrs. Lovey Howell: [as Doctor Gilligan's attorney] The filthy killer is right here, your honor.
Gilligan: I object, I object, I most strenuously object.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: You can't object to me.
Gilligan: I can.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: You can't.
Gilligan: I can.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: You can't.
Gilligan: Drat, she has as many can't's as I have can's.

Mrs. Lovey Howell: Now, let me see if I have it right, Thurston. Uh, Mary Ann is Gilligan... No, Gilligan is Mary Ann because.
Thurston: Would you be quiet, Lovey? I just want to have a nice small quiet nervous breakdown.

Thurston: [pretending he's a Chief Headhunter] Moolah, moolah, moolah.

Professor: Mr. Howell, why are you serving us?
Thurston: Oh-no, it's become force of habit! What has happened to me?

Ginger: Mr. Howell, this is no time for a party.
Thurston: You might say that it's a coming out party.

Mary: I was once in a club where we all wore the same ring.
Thurston: Young lady, I only join exclusive clubs. In fact, I consider them suspect if they consider me a member!

Thurston: You goofed, didn't you?
Robot: I am not programmed for that information.
Thurston: I wonder what next year's models are gonna look like.
Robot: I am not...
Thurston: Oh shut up!

Thurston: I'm frozen, I've got peacock-bumps!
Ginger: You mean goose-bumps.
Thurston: On a Howell?

Mrs. Lovey Howell: This bush is so dusty!
Thurston: Here, let me get that. One thing I can't stand, that's a messy Jungle.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Thurston, I found the lens!
Thurston: No, my dear! That's the bottom from a bottle of bubbly. I've been throwing our empties there. Sort of our secret stash.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Darling, you think of everything!

Mary: Mister Howell, I don't even think she saw me.
Thurston: Well of course not, she has something in her eye - a man.

Thurston: Lovey, when you faint, be careful. I just might beat you to the floor!

Gilligan: [after the raft sank in the lagoon, and the castaways make it back to shore] Hey Skipper? We sank anyway without the gold.
Jonas: Oh, I'm afraid this is all my fault, folks. Why I didn't think one bag of gold would sink us.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Two bags.
Thurston: Three bags.
Ginger: Four bags.
Professor: Five bags.
Mary: Six bags.
Gilligan: [after they all looked at him, he scoffs] That's a switch. Usually I'm one left holding the bag.

Thurston: I'd walk out on that picture even on an airplane.

[Mr. Howell, the Professor, and Skipper are dressed as women in an attempt to fool some visiting natives looking for a "white goddess" to throw into their volcano]
Jonas: [chuckling] Well, I must say, you two are a gruesome twosome!
Thurston: You don't make us a thrillsome threesome, I might say.
Professor: You know, I don't think this is going to work.
Thurston: Maxine, I don't know about you and Laverne, but I'm getting out of this.
Jonas: Wait a minute! Where's Gilligan? Gilligan?
[shouting]
Jonas: Gilligan!
Gilligan: [running in to hut] Somebody call... me?
Gilligan: I'd hate to judge this beauty contest, because nobody'd win!
[giggles]

Thurston: Ordinarily your story would melt a man with a heart of stone, but fortunately, my cronies call me old granite-heart Howell.

Thurston: What is this slop?
Skipper: It's Gilligan's own creation, Mr. Howell, It's coconut pot pie.

Thurston: Look, my dear, it's really simple. Ginger needs a wig so she can be Mary Ann because Mary Ann is Ginger.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Thurston, have you been eating brandied peaches without the peaches again?

Thurston: [Ginger, as Evil Agent 5 in the dream, is contacting her boss, played by Mr. Howell, via a ladle in her soup. As he comes online, barley in the soup is severely obstructing his view] Evil agent 5, please.
Ginger: This *is* Evil Agent 5, can't you see?
Thurston: How am I supposed to see through all this barley?
Ginger: Oh, sorry about that, Chief.
[as he speaks, the barley fades away to have him in full view]

Gilligan: What was that?
Thurston: J.P. Morgan rolling over in his grave!

Thurston: He's scratching!
Mrs. Lovey Howell: Oh dear, if one scratches one itches.