The Best DI Lestrade Quotes

DI: So, how's it going then, fatherhood?
Dr. John Watson: Oh, good, great. Yeah, amazing.
DI: Get any sleep?
Dr. John Watson: Christ, no.
DI: You at the beck and call of a screaming, demanding baby, woken up all hours to obey his every whim?
DI: [looking pointedly at Sherlock] Must feel very different.
Sherlock: Sorry. What?
Dr. John Watson: Yes, well, you know how it is. All you do is clean up their mess, pat them on the head...
Sherlock: You two having a little joke?
Dr. John Watson: Never a word of thanks. Can't even tell people's faces apart.
Dr. John Watson: This is a joke, isn't it?

Sherlock: Serial killers, always hard... You have to wait for them to make a mistake.
DI: We can't just wait!
Sherlock: Oh, we're done waiting. Look at her, really look! Houston, we have a mistake. Get on to Cardiff. Find out who Jennifer Wilson's family and friends were. Find Rachel!
DI: Of course, yeah, but *what mistake*?
Sherlock: *Pink*!

Sherlock: I see you've got a new boyfriend, Molly, and you're serious about him.
Molly: What? Sorry, what?
Sherlock: In fact, you're seeing him this very night and giving him a gift.
Dr. John Watson: Take a day off.
Lestrade: Shut up and have a drink.
Sherlock: Oh, come on, surely you've all seen the present at top of the bag. Perfectly wrapped with a bow. All the others are slap-dash at best. It's for someone special, then. The shade of red echoes her lipstick, either an unconscious association or one that she's deliberately trying to encourage. Either way, Miss Hooper has love on her mind. The fact that she's serious about him is clear from the fact that she's giving him a gift at all. That always suggests long-term hopes, however forlorn, and that she's seeing him tonight is evident from her make-up and what she's wearing. Obviously trying to compensate for the size of her mouth and breasts...
[voice trails off as he opens the tag: "Dearest Sherlock Love Molly xxx"]
Molly: [brutally embarrassed] You always say such horrible things. Every time. Always. Always...
Sherlock: [turns to leave but turns back] I am sorry. Forgive me.
[John looks up, completely surprised at hearing an apology from Sherlock]
Sherlock: Merry Christmas, Molly Hooper.
[Sherlock kisses her cheek. Suddenly, Sherlock's text message tone goes off, which Irene Adler earlier changed to the sound of a woman gasping in ecstasy]
Molly: Oh, No! That wasn't... I didn't...
Sherlock: No, it was me.
Lestrade: My God, really?
Molly: What?
Sherlock: My *phone*.

Anderson: I believe in Sherlock Holmes.
DI: Yeah, well, that won't bring him back.

[as Sherlock and John are handcuffed together]
Sherlock: Hmm. Bit awkward, this.
Dr. John Watson: There's no one to bail us.
Sherlock: I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape.
Police Dispatcher: All units to 2-7.
Dr. John Watson: [to Sherlock] What?
[Sherlock triggers a police radio, causing feedback in all the uniformed officers' microphones. As the nearest one yanks his earpiece out, Sherlock grabs his gun and backs away from everyone]
Police Dispatcher: All units to 2
Sherlock: Ladies and gentlemen, will you all please get on your knees?
[No one moves; he fires twice into the air]
Sherlock: *Now* would be good!
DI: Do as he says!
Dr. John Watson: Just-just so you're aware, the gun is his idea. I-I'm just, uh, you know...
Sherlock: [pointing the gun at John] My hostage!
Dr. John Watson: Hostage, yes, that works. That works. So what now?
Sherlock: Doing what Moriarty wants. Becoming a fugitive. Run.

Young: Is that him, sir? Sherlock Holmes?
DI: A fan, are you?
Young: Well, he's a great man, sir.
DI: No, he's better than that. He's a good one.

Sherlock: Why have I got this blanket? The-They keep putting this blanket on me.
DI: Yeah, it's for shock.
Sherlock: I'm not in shock.
DI: Yeah, but some of the guys want to take photographs.

Sgt: [after Sherlock has disrupted their press conference on the serial suicides by sending the text message "WRONG!" to every single reporter's cell phone] You've got to stop him doing that. He's making us look like idiots.
DI: If you can tell me *how* he does it, I'll stop him.

Sherlock: [on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no, no, no, no, we're fine. No, it's the, uh, it's the burglar, he's got himself rather badly injured.
[Neilson, bound and gagged, but otherwise unharmed, looks up in confusion]
Sherlock: Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung.
[pause]
Sherlock: He fell out of a window.
[cut to the first floor of Baker Street, where John is tending Mrs. Hudon's wounds]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh! It stings...
[a body falls past the window, landing with a crash]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, that was right on my bins.
[Cut to a later street scene, as the ambulance pulls away]
DI: And exactly how many times did he fall out of the window?
Sherlock: It's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

Sherlock: [voiced from the darkness as Lestade lights a cigarette] Those things will kill you.
DI: [long pause with recognition] Oh, you bastard.

DI: But what has this got to do with that painting? I don't see...
Sherlock: You do *see*, you just don't *observe*!
Dr. John Watson: All right, all right, girls. Calm down.

Dr. John Watson: [painfully hungover] Can you whisper?
DI: [amused, shouting right into Watson's face] *Not really*!

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, I'm really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date?
Mary: Uh, well, we thought May.
Mrs. Hudson: Ah, a spring wedding.
Mary: Yeah. Well, once we've actually got engaged.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
Mary: We were interrupted last time.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
DI: Well, I can't wait.
Mary: You will be there, Sherlock?
Sherlock: Weddings - not really my thing.

DI: Why is he doing this, the bomber? If this woman's death was suspicious, why point it up?
Sherlock: Good Samaritan.
DI: Who press-gangs suicide bombers?
Sherlock: Bad Samaritan.

Sherlock: So, the shooter, no sign?
DI: Cleared off before we got here. But a guy like that would have had enemies, I suppose. One of them could've been following him, but... got nothing to go on.
Sherlock: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
DI: Okay. Give me.
Sherlock: The bullet they just dug out of the wall's from a handgun. A kill shot over that distance, from that kind of a weapon, that's a crack shot you're looking for. But not just a marksman, a fighter. His hands couldn't have shaken at all, so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger, though, so strong moral principle. You're looking for a man probably with a history of military service and...
[spots John]
Sherlock: ...nerves of steel...
[pauses]
Sherlock: Actually, do you know what? Ignore me.
DI: Sorry?
Sherlock: Ignore all of that. It's just the, er... the shock talking.
DI: Where are you going?
Sherlock: I just need to... talk about the-the rent.
DI: I've still got questions...
Sherlock: Oh, what now? I-I'm in shock, look, I've got a blanket.

Sherlock: [after explaining a series of complicated deductions] The picture's a fake.
Dr. John Watson: [impressed] Fantastic.
Sherlock: Meretricious.
DI: And a happy new year.

Dr: So, why do you put up with him?
DI: Because I'm desperate, that's why. And because Sherlock Holmes is a great man, and I think one day, if we're very, very lucky, he might even be a good one.

[first lines]
DI: [leaving a couthouse] They just walked out of there.
Sgt: Yeah, I know, I was sort of sitting next to you.
DI: The whole Walters family, they just walked right out of there.
Sgt: Again, I was in the room.
DI: How do they always manage that?
Sgt: They're good.

Sherlock: What the hell are you doing here?
DI: Oh, nice to see you, too. I'm on holiday, would you believe?
Sherlock: No. I wouldn't.
DI: Hello, John.
Dr. John Watson: Greg.
DI: I heard you were in the area. What are you up to? You after this Hound of Hell, like on the telly?
Sherlock: I'm waiting for an explanation, Inspector. Why are you here?
DI: I've told you, I'm on holiday.
Sherlock: You're brown as a nut. You're clearly just back from your holidays.
DI: Maybe I'd fancied another one.
Sherlock: Oh, this is Mycroft, isn't it?
DI: Now, look...
Sherlock: Of course it is. One mention of Baskerville and he sends down my handler to-to spy on me, incognito. Is that why you're calling yourself Greg?
Dr. John Watson: That's his name.
Sherlock: Is it?
DI: Yes... if you'd ever bother to find out. Look, I'm not your handler. And I don't just do what your brother tells me.

Sherlock: Shut up.
DI: I didn't say anything.
Sherlock: You were thinking. It's annoying.

[after an eye-witness screams at the sight of Sherlock Holmes]
DI: Well, don't let it get to you, I always feel like screaming when you walk into a room. In fact, so do most people.

DI: Any ideas?
Sherlock: Seven, so far.

Sherlock: You can't just break into my flat.
DI: And you can't withhold evidence. And I didn't break into your flat.
Sherlock: Well, what do you call this then?
DI: It's a drugs bust.
Dr: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?
Sherlock: John.
Dr: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day, and you wouldn't find anything you could call recreational.
Sherlock: John, you probably want to shut up now.
Dr: Yeah, but come on.
[pause]
Dr: No...
Sherlock: What?
Dr: You?
Sherlock: Shut up!
[to Lestrade]
Sherlock: I'm not your sniffer dog.
DI: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.
Sherlock: What, A... Anderson, what are you doing here on a drugs bust?
Anderson: Oh, I volunteered.
DI: They all did. They're not strictly speaking *on* the drug squad, but they're very keen.
Sgt: [holding up a jar] Are these human eyes?
Sherlock: Put those back.
Sgt: But they were in the microwave.
Sherlock: It's an experiment.

Sherlock: [re: Watson] Study In Pink, you read his blog?
DI: Of course I read his blog. We all do. Do you really not know that the Earth goes around the Sun?
[Sgt Donovan snickers]

Sherlock: [about the victim] She's been married for at least ten years, but not happily. She's had a string of lovers, but none of them knew she was married.
DI: Oh, for God's sake, if you're just making this up...!
Sherlock: Her wedding ring, ten years old at least. The rest of her jewelry's been regularly cleaned but not her wedding ring. State of her marriage, right there. The inside of the ring is shinier than the outside; that means it's regularly removed. The only polishing she gets is when she works it off her finger. It's not for work, look at her nails. She doesn't work with her hands; so, what, or rather who, DOES she remove her rings for? Clearly not one lover - she'd never sustain the fiction of being single over that amount of time - so more likely a string of them. Simple.
Dr: That's brilliant!
[everyone looks at him]
Dr: Sorry.