The Best Evelyn Salt Quotes

[first lines]
Evelyn: [being dragged out and tied down] Please let me go home. Please, I'm not who you think I am. I'm really not who you think I am. Please. Please, I'm not a spy.
North: You are a spy!
Evelyn: I'm not a spy. Please let me go home.
North: Try again.
Evelyn: I am not a spy! I am a business woman. I work for Rink Petroleum and Gas. Please call them. I work for Rink Petroleum!
North: You are here to sabotage our nuclear ambitions. Yes?
Evelyn: [gasoline funnel being forced into her mouth] I am not a spy! I am not a spy!

Peabody: Hey. Why'd you kill him?
Evelyn: Because somebody had to.
Peabody: [punches her hard]
Peabody: [to everyone else] What?
Evelyn: By this, I take it you think everybody is who they say they are.

Ted: At least I was right. I had a feeling we'd lost you back there in North Korea. I could see how moved you were by Mike's little white-knight routine. You were supposed to recruit him, Ev, not fall in love with him. That's why I told Orlov to pick him up. By the way, how is Mike?
Evelyn: Orlov is dead.
Ted: Well, that's good news. Saved me the trouble. I had to practically twist his arm to get him blow your cover at the CIA. You see, he wanted you to come out of this alive.
Evelyn: But you needed somebody to take the blame. I'm the patsy.
Ted: And I'm the hero. Congratulations, Ev. You're about to become famous.

Evelyn: What is your name?
Vassily: My name is Vassily Orlov. Today, a Russian agent will travel to New York city to kill the President. This agent is KA-12.
Evelyn: The KA program is a myth.
Vassily: Don't you want to know the name?
Evelyn: You're good. You can tell the rest of your story to one of my colleagues.
Vassily: Salt.
Evelyn: Yes?
Vassily: The name of the agent is Evelyn Salt.
Evelyn: My name is Evelyn Salt.
Vassily: Then you are a Russian spy.

Peabody: How many more like you are there?
Evelyn: Like me? None. Like him? More than you or I can handle alone.

Peabody: If I did believe you, and I'm not saying for a second that I do, but if I did, nobody else would.
Evelyn: Well, maybe you can think of a way around that.

Ted: Look, Ev, try to stay calm.
Evelyn: I'm not a goddamn Russian spy.
Ted: I didn't say you were. Let's go to my office, we can sort this out.
Peabody: No, no. We gotta go to a secure location. Now.
Ted: All right. Doesn't get any more secure than this. Ev? Five minutes.
Evelyn: Call Protective Services, find Mike.
Ted: I will.
Evelyn: This is bullshit.

Evelyn: Do you have homework?
Salt's: Algebra.
Evelyn: I hate math.

Ted: [rattled by underling] "Sir"? Do I look like a "sir" to you?
Evelyn: From head to toe. I'm surprised he didn't call you "Your Majesty".
Ted: I like the ring of that. I think I'd prefer "Your Majesty".