20 Best Francis Wilkerson Quotes

Lois: [on phone] Hey, Francis. How's school?
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

[Malcolm is on the phone with Francis at the home of the family he's babysitting for]
Malcolm: Francis, I'm sorry for calling you so late.
Francis: Hey, no problem. What's going on?
Malcolm: I dunno. Do you ever feel like you don't really belong in the family?
Francis: Dude, I'm in military school. I think that question's been answered.
Malcolm: Right.
[Malcolm turns to the camera]
Malcolm: This is good. At least, someone else in my family is normal.
Francis: Hey, listen, while I got you, um... you're in school with all those science brains. How would you reattach a head to a dead body?

Francis: Why don't you do the entire family a favor, and just die?

Francis: [finding door under stairs] What is this?
[opens it and turns light on revealing lots of merchandise]
Grandma: Oh you don't wanna look in there. It's Too sad.
Francis: Oh grandma, what are all these things? I mean look at this; There must be like a thousand dollars worth of stuff in here.
Grandma: $2,735. $4500 Canadian.
Francis: What are they doing in your closet?
Grandma: They're gifts. For the family, for relatives. For friends.
Francis: But you never give presents. You...
[spots something and picks it up]
Francis: Oh my God. Donatello with pizza-throwing action. I wanted one of these when I was six!
Grandma: I know you did and I bought that for you.
Francis: No you didn't.
Grandma: Yes, I did. And Then right before Christmas, your mommy put you on the phone you called me poopy and hung uo.
Francis: [makes weird face and then sees something else] Is that the bread maker mom was asking for last year?
Grandma: If she wants bread so much, so should write back when her mother writes to her!
[picks a statue up]
Grandma: Oh, This was for cousin Nichola. I spent the day shopping for it. Then she goes and marries a protestant.
[points to something]
Grandma: That camera, for your father, right before he *refused* to drive me to the liquor store.
[mutters]
Grandma: All the nice things I do for people.
Francis: [astonished at all this] Oh my God! You'ree crazy! I thought you were just evil, but you are *nuts*!
Grandma: What are you talking about?
Francis: Grandma , gifts aren't conditional, they're *gifts*! You give them to people because *love* them! They're not something you can take away because of some *petty* slight! You're not teaching people anything, You haven't gotten back them, They don't even know they've upset you! All you have done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! What kind of person *does* that?
Grandma: A *lonely*, *bitter*, old woman.
Francis: What?
Grandma: Look what I've done; What use is all this things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness, but instead they just rot here.
[gasps]
Francis: Grandma?
Grandma: Oh my heart... I think... It's melting.
[Francis is in disbelief]
Grandma: Yes, It's melting. You showed me the way Francis, by yelling at me!
[now sarcastic]
Grandma: Quick, go get my magic sled and me and my reindeers will give christmas to all the rude, mean, *stupid* people! We'll all join hands and sing songs! And we'll sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust and my...
[scene cuts away before she can finish]

Hal: You are a wonderful mother and you're a wonderful person.
Francis: [On the phone] Hey Mom, it's Francis. I just want you to know that I am disgusted with the way you treat Grandma. Abandoning a helpless old woman on Christmas. I hope you're ashamed of yourself.

Malcolm: [while on the phone] Hey, Francis. You told me to remind you about Mom and Dad's anniversary.
Francis: Ah, great. When is that?
Malcolm: Tomorrow.
Francis: Dude, you're supposed to remind me before so I can get 'em something.
Malcolm: That's okay. We'll put your name on our gift.
Francis: Cool. Thanks, man. I owe you one.
Malcolm: No, you own me $20. That's what your share comes to.
Francis: You got them an $80 gift?
Malcolm: Uh, yeah.

Francis: Dad, I know what you're going to say, and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless, and I'm really sorry. I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit I don't deserve. If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I could earn your trust back.
Malcolm: It's not like it was even our car!

Dewey: [to Francis] So this is how you live? No fridge, no real furniture and the only decoration's a stolen bus bench?
Francis: Isn't that great?
Dewey: Francis, this is... everything I've ever dreamed of! This is exactly how I'll live when I grow up!

Dewey: Francis, you have to get a life.
Francis: I have a life. I've got my hobbies, my bus bench, the guys at the apartment pool...
Dewey: I'm only 12, and I can see that this is a dead end. So you know what I should do better than I do.
Francis: You're just like Mom.
Dewey: Maybe Mom has a point. Maybe just hanging out by the pool isn't going to be the stepping stone you're hoping for.
Francis: You never supported me!
Dewey: All I'm saying is jobs don't just drop out of the sky.
Francis: I hate you!

Francis: [to Lois] You're spending your anniversary at home, fixating on a stupid dress. Is that what you wanted to do tonight?
Lois: What am I supposed to do, Francis? Let it go?
Francis: Yes. That's exactly what you should do. Let it go. But you can't because you can never let anything go.
Lois: I can too let things go.
Francis: Fine.
Lois: I can.
Francis: Fine.
Lois: I can!
Francis: Okay. Just forget I said anything.

Francis: [finds cadet Finley hiding] Finley, what are you doing in the cupboard?
Finley: Poquito Cabeza!
Francis: Get out of there, man.
Finley: I can't. I've been marked by the Brothers of the Apocalypse! Poquito Cabeza!
Francis: Brothers of the Apocalypse? It's ridiculous. It's five seniors with limited imaginations.
Finley: Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say. You've got Stanley protecting you, and you're not holding Poquito Cabeza.
Francis: Would you stop saying "Poquito Cabeza"?
Finley: I can't. And I'm not coming out! Oh, could you turn in my math homework?
Francis: [erasing Finley's name and writing his own] Poor Finley. He's good at math, right?
Finley: [the gang removes him from the closet, chanting "Fin-ley, Boom-ba-yay. Fin-ley, Boom-ba-yay."] No, No, please, somebody help, please!
Stanley: Stop. Fruit Loops?
[Finley hands him a cereal box, and Stanley motions for the hazing to continue]
Finley: [as gang carries him down the hall] Please, please, help me...

Lois: [while talking to Francis on the phone] I cannot believe you, Francis. You think you are so clever turning them against me, don't you?
Francis: No, Mom.
Francis: We did not send you to military school so you could undermine my authority long-distance.
Lois: Then why did you send me?
Lois: Well, it was not so you could undermine my authority. And if I'm not mistaken, you are undermining my authority!

Francis: There. Finished.
Reese: It's never been this clean before.
Malcolm: Uh-Oh. It's too clean.
Francis: You're right. She'll never buy it.

Francis: Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off?
Grandma: After my Magnum P.I.

Lois: [to Francis] I cannot talk to you anymore. Ooh, you make me so mad, sometimes I just want to break your neck! Did you get the cookies I sent you?
Francis: Yeah, they were great.

Francis: Well, in the spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.
Grandma: I never know what you're talking about. You talk like a jackass.
[Francis gives her a card that plays "Jingle Bells"]
Grandma: You do this... to torture me? To hurt me?
Francis: You don't like Christmas music?
Grandma: It sounds like the song they sang when they would run through the villages and throw the babies into the fire.
Francis: They sang Jingle Bells?
Grandma: They sang something.

Francis: Did you guys see Circus break that cinder block with his head? That's a good lesson for you guys: it didn't break the first six times, but did he quit trying? No sir...

Francis: Oh, great, a one-way street. How does that work if I'm going backwards?

Francis: Well, look at that - 8:00 already, way past my bedtime. Where do I sleep?
Grandma: You're sitting on it
Francis: Does it turn into a bed?
Grandma: Yes, it becomes a bed.
[sarcastically]
Grandma: It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid!
Francis: All right! It doesn't fold out!

Francis: [earnestly] Dewey, you don't get to choose the people who need your help.