Top 50 Quotes From Malcolm Wilkerson

Reese: [Reese thinks his Army buddy is hot for him] You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.
Malcolm: Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.
Reese: It's just wrong. She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had. But in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way.
Malcolm: Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.
Reese: It's hard to say. Now when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.
Malcolm: That's love, dude.
Reese: Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

Malcolm: What d'you do if he catches you?
Dewey: Roll in a ball.
Malcolm: What if he starts kicking you?
Dewey: Stay in a ball.

Lois: [finds out what her boys are doing] Oh my God!
Dewey: Did you hear that?
Lois: What are you boys doing up there?
Malcolm: It's Mom!
Dewey: How did she know where to find us?
Reese: I told you, she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't have been in this mess!
Dewey: Maybe she didn't see us.
Lois: Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant.
Reese: [bad Spanish accent] Miss, I don't know what you are talking about. Your boys are different boys than our being.
[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]
Reese: [afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?
Malcolm: [scared] It's a billboard!
Dewey: [terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us.
Lois: Come down, now!

Reese: He goes to parties, drinks beer, and goes skiing.
Malcolm: Right, genius! They do lots of skiing in Alabama.

Malcolm: The good thing about being smart is that I never have to look up any phone numbers. The bad thing is, no one else in my family ever bothers to remember anything.

Malcolm: Mom: 62,437. Kids: 0.

Malcolm: I want a better family!

Jessica: [to Malcolm] Listen, Monday I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that.
Malcolm: What for?
Jessica: My boyfriend's coming over, and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean.
Malcolm: What?
Jessica: Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole chasm of loneliness crap.
Malcolm: You can't hook up in my house. I've never hooked up in my house.

Lois: There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.
Malcolm: Huh?

Dewey: Maybe we honor Reese the wrong way. Reese wasn't into helping people and doing good deeds. He loved to smash things and destroy stuff for no reason. If we want to honor Reese, maybe we should think about doing it his way.
Malcolm: You have something in mind?
Dewey: [shows him a brochure] This kind of caught my eye.
Malcolm: An art fair?
Dewey: Just think what Reese would have done with it. They've got fold dancing, dream catchers, face-painting...
Malcolm: They are kind of begging for it. I don't know...
Dewey: And rapping grannies.
Malcolm: Let me see that!

Malcolm: Why do they keep doing that?
Stevie: You're new.
Malcolm: Oh great, so I'm the freak of the freakshow?

Stevie: What's that?
Malcolm: A stripped car
Stevie: What's that?
Malcolm: A naked man arguing with the wall.
Stevie: What's that?
Malcolm: A nudy book store - with my dad coming out of it.

Reese: [Lois unintentionally infects Malcolm with her mononucleosis] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the 'kissing disease' from Mom. Which will happen right about...
Reese: [he hits his computer mouse to 'send'] ... now!
Malcolm: I didn't kiss her, you saw it.
Reese: What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
Dewey: It was disgusting.
Malcolm: She licked her finger and touched my face.
Reese: Spare us the perv details.

Ida: In our country, after the boy turns sixteen, he becomes a "baroche". We watch this boy for one year. When he is ready, he is plucked from his mother's teat and thrown into the town square where he must battle with the other boys for dominance.
Malcolm: Wait, up until this point they're still breastfeeding?
Ida: [quietly] It keeps families close.
Ida: [resuming her dramatic narrative] The boys fight each other with all their might. When it is over, the one left standing is the man. The rest are "dronska". Then more breasts are offered to the proud, young man. But these are not the withered spigots of the mother. No, these are the ripe, inviting, pleasure-domes of the virgins of the village, presented dripping with wine.
Reese: [ecstatically] Our family comes from the coolest country in the *world!*

Lois: Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids that electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? And your friend Richard.
Malcolm: He's not ugly or dumb.
Lois: Yes, but he's very effeminate. Just remember: any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working it a car wash.
Malcolm: [he looks at the camera, i.e., the audience] This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

Malcolm: How could the whole school snub us like this? Don't they realize how much this hurts?
Reese: They don't care. There are people in this world that are just plain evil and every single person at that school is one of those people.

Malcolm: [while on stilts for a Lucky Aide promotional stunt, Malcolm suffers a bizarre groin injury] Hey, the feeling's coming back to my thighs. Apparently, the medical term for what happened to me is, 'Holy crap, come look at this,' because that's all the ER guys kept saying. But if I ever have to give birth, it'll be really easy.

Malcolm: [Reese, Dewey, and Malcolm are fighting over the cupcake with the cherry on top] Wait! Why would they only put a cherry on one cupcake? This is mom.
[stands up]
Malcolm: There may be those who will try to drive a wedge between us, but if we learn nothing else tonight, we will learn to stand together.
Lois: Dammit.

Lois: [entering the boys' room] What did you do?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Don't give that look. What did you do?
Malcolm: Nothing.
Lois: Well, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I... took a look in here!
[opens a drawer]
Malcolm: Mom, I'm telling you. we didn't do anything.
Lois: [notices the curtains are closed] If you've broken another window, it's coming out of your...
[opens curtain]
Reese: Are you done? Wanna frisk me?
Lois: You just consider yourselves lucky.
[leaves then immediately returns, then closes door]
Dewey: [tied up on back of door] That was close.
Malcolm: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.

Malcolm: Reese, give me your pocket knife.
Reese: Ok, but if you miss her you'll only make her madder.
[talking about Lois]

Malcolm: Hey. This is supposed to be to Dewey from both us.
Reese: I picked it out.
Malcolm: I stepped in it.

Malcolm: That's the way discussions go down in this family. I tell them my needs, and they say no. Then dad reveals another cartoon character he's afraid of.

Lois: I saw his mother at the grocery store, she said you boys ate lunch together.
Malcolm: One time! He rolled his wheelchair over next to me. It's not like I could say go away.

[Victor and Reese are both clutching a live grenade, with the pin missing]
Malcolm: Oh, my God! We have to call the police!
Grandpa: No, no police!
[throws away the phone with his free hand]
Grandpa: There's no reason to panic.
Malcolm: Yes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade, and he's a total idiot!
Reese: He's right, I am!

Malcolm: Did it feel good to cut through Elmo's neck? Did it?

Malcolm: Oh sure, you're okay because this doesn't make any difference to you. You've always been a freak. I used to be normal. Wait... who just said that? You're gonna take that the wrong way, aren't you?
Stevie: You... suck!

Hal: Malcolm, you wouldn't happen to know the life expectancy of a bee, would you?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Hal: Great. What's the point of hauling around that giant head of yours if you can't retain a few simple facts?
Lois: Hal, he gets enough pressure from school without his family piling on.
Malcolm: [to the camera] Did Mom just defend me? Wow, this vulnerability crap is more effective than I thought.

[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital after another argument between the doctor and the nurse. He's just sitting there as the boys looked]
Malcolm: What's wrong with him?
Lois: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.
Malcolm: The waist up?
[Lois is frustrated as Hal starts squrming around with his feet]
Reese: Dad, what is it?
[Lois taps his head to calm him down. It does the work as his right foot pets her leg]
Dewey: I think he's thanking you.

Jessica: So, the stupid cops let my Dad off with another warning. We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks and they still haven't carted him off yet.
Reese: No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here every day like you own the place. Go back outside and knock. And then go away!
Jessica: Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underwear, rolling burning trash cans into the street.
Malcolm: The sad thing is that we're still the worst family on the block.

Malcolm: Around here, being smart is exactly like being radioactive.

Caroline: Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it. Okay?
Malcolm: The man only has four fingers.
Caroline: Right, but this time I want you to really take your time and really look at...
Malcolm: The car's shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the man's watch wouldn't say twelve o'clock if he was looking at a sunset, and I have red paint on my ass. That's right - red paint all over my ass.

Lois: It's about Malcolm.
Malcolm: I didn't do it.
Reese: Yes he did it, I saw him.

Ida: Your pretty words don't hide your fear.
Malcolm: What?
Ida: You are afraid of the next trial because it is a test of intelligence. You are afraid to find out who is really the smart one in the family. He goes around with his nose in a book, sucking in facts. He doesn't have what we have. You and I have street smarts.
Malcolm: Oh, here we go. Every moron who's willing to act like a criminal is loaded with street smarts. Well, let me tell you something, Grandma, you're either smart or you're not. Saying you have street smarts just means you're willing to do things that smart, sensitive people are too decent to do. That's not a sign of intelligence. It's not. It's not!

Malcolm: [while on the phone] Hey, Francis. You told me to remind you about Mom and Dad's anniversary.
Francis: Ah, great. When is that?
Malcolm: Tomorrow.
Francis: Dude, you're supposed to remind me before so I can get 'em something.
Malcolm: That's okay. We'll put your name on our gift.
Francis: Cool. Thanks, man. I owe you one.
Malcolm: No, you own me $20. That's what your share comes to.
Francis: You got them an $80 gift?
Malcolm: Uh, yeah.

Reese: [while staring up at the ceiling] I wonder how many holes are up in those tiles.
Malcolm: One hundred and eighty-six thousand, four hundred and eighty.
Reese: You counted all of those?
Malcolm: No. You just count one tile's row across and down, multiply it and then multiply it again by the number of tiles.
Reese: You're doing that more and more.
Malcolm: Doing what?
Reese: That brain thing. Are you just gonna keep getting smarter and weirder?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Reese: Well, can you tone it down a little bit? 'Cause I can't keep up with all these butt kickings.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: Well, at least twice a day, I have to whoop-ass on some kid calling you a weirdo. Honestly, it's exhausting.
Malcolm: You beat up kids 'cause they call me a weirdo?
Reese: Well, the last kid? He was a freak anyways. He was in no position to throw out names.
Malcolm: Thanks.
Reese: For what?
Malcolm: Nothing.

Malcolm: I did the math once; it turns out, every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together.

Malcolm: [being about to suffocate in his car] Stevie was right... and so was Reese. This makes it easier. I don't want to live in a world where Reese is right.

Dewey: It just doesn't make sense. Why would you fake being sick on Hallowe'en?
Malcolm: I'm not faking it. I feel like crap. Must have gotten it from that Death Tour guy. I thought his clammy handshake was just part of the act.
Reese: You've gotta keep your immune system in shape, Malcolm. Every once in a while pick some gum off the seat and chew it. Ounce of prevention, Dude.

Lois: [to Malcolm] How was Stevie?
Malcolm: I didn't get to see him.
Lois: You left for the hospital over three hours ago.
Malcolm: I tried taking the express bus, but somehow, I ended up on a shuttle to the airport. Seriously, they need to label those things better.
Lois: They're bright red and say "airport shuttle" on the side.
Malcolm: We drove right past the hospital, but the stupid driver wouldn't let me out. When did people stop caring?
Lois: Calm down, Malcolm. It's no big deal. You can go tomorrow.
Malcolm: Yeah, if the buses will let me.

Malcolm: This is the world. 196 million square miles. If I covered 100 square miles every hour for the rest of my life, I'd only see half.
[We see Reese's nose]
Malcolm: And this is my brother Reese's left nostril. It squeaks... all night long.
[We see Dewey's feet]
Malcolm: And these are the feet of our little brother Dewey.
[We see a picture of Francis]
Malcolm: This is my favorite brother, Francis. So naturally, my parents sent him off to military school.
[We see Malcolm]
Malcolm: My name is Malcolm. You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

Francis: Dad, I know what you're going to say, and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless, and I'm really sorry. I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit I don't deserve. If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I could earn your trust back.
Malcolm: It's not like it was even our car!

Malcolm: If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.
Lois: You kids...
Malcolm: Dang!

[Malcolm is on the phone with Francis at the home of the family he's babysitting for]
Malcolm: Francis, I'm sorry for calling you so late.
Francis: Hey, no problem. What's going on?
Malcolm: I dunno. Do you ever feel like you don't really belong in the family?
Francis: Dude, I'm in military school. I think that question's been answered.
Malcolm: Right.
[Malcolm turns to the camera]
Malcolm: This is good. At least, someone else in my family is normal.
Francis: Hey, listen, while I got you, um... you're in school with all those science brains. How would you reattach a head to a dead body?

Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think, somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways.
Malcolm: Trust me, dad, they're all looking down on us.

Malcolm: This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the Doctor's and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for 2 weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.

Dewey: [excited] Hey, guys. I was digging around in the garage, and I found the spare key to Dad's car.
Malcolm: Do you know what this means?
Reese: [ecstatic] We can key stuff!
Malcolm: No, we have mobility. We can drive over to the next city.
Reese: And key stuff there!
Malcolm: And key stuff there, and cherry-bomb stuff there - Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want. And if we get caught, they'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime!
Dewey: I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.
Reese: [incredulous] Arcade? What are you, twelve?
Dewey: [as if it should be obvious] Yeah.

Malcolm: That's Jessica, our neighbor. Mom and Dad are letting her sleep on our couch for a week until her father's arraigned. Seems he got drunk Friday night, decided to track down her mom and tried to drive a street-sweeper to Mexico. She has some family issues.

Dewey: It's not fair. You owe me ten dollars, Malcolm. You promised to pay me back a month ago.
Malcolm: Dewey, it seems to me you're the only one holding on to this. The rest of us have moved on.
Reese: Yeah. You keep hounding people, pretty soon no-one's gonna want to borrow money from you.

Malcolm: [in the "cold open" for the show, Reese is seen eating globs of ice cream] Eat faster.
Dewey: Don't chew it, just swallow it.
Reese: [pauses to think] Nothing.
Malcolm: [turns to the camera and explains] Granted, this isn't scientific, but the fact that Reese can't get 'brain freeze' has to prove something.
Reese: Wait... I'm feeling something in my toes.

Malcolm: You know what? I'm glad, this is appropriate, now my life looks exactly how I feel. How could you screw me over like that?
Lois: Because you were gonna take that job and we are not gonna let you throw your life away.
Malcolm: How is being rich throwing my life away?
Lois: Because, it's not the life you're supposed to have, the life you're supposed to have is you go to harvard and you earn every fellowship and internship they have, you graduate first in your class and you start working in public service either district attorney or running some foundation and then you become governor of a mid-sized state and then you become president.
Malcolm: ...What?
Lois: Of the United States!
Malcolm: Dad!
Hal: I'm sorry son, It's true.
Francis: [Reese and Stewie nodding at Malcolm] Thought you knew.
Hal: Our expectations started much smaller but you just kept upping the ante.
Malcolm: What if I don't wanna be president?
Lois: It's too late for that, you're gonna do it.
Malcolm: Oh, really? have you decided my position on capital-gains tax cuts? What are my foreign policy objectives?
Lois: That doesn't matter, what does matter is that you'll be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us. We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I for one am sick of it. Now you are going to be president mister and that's the end of it.
Malcolm: Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and then bought my way into being president?
Lois: Of course it did, we decided against it.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Because then you wouldn't be a good president, you wouldn't have suffered enough.
Malcolm: I've been suffering all my life!
Lois: I'm sorry ,it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard, now you're gonna know what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you, and it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't and then it'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world. I'm sorry Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path, you don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
Hal: That's Dewey.
Dewey: [happily] Really?
Malcolm: This is unbelievable, You actually expect me to be president. No, no, I'm sorry, you expect me to be one of the greatest presidents in the history of the United States?
Lois: You look me in the eye and you tell me you can't do it.