Top 50 Quotes From Preacher

DeBlanc: [matter-of-factly] Preacher, kill me.

Tulip: Why would anybody want to shoot at us?
Cassidy: Have you not been paying attention? Your boyfriend's got a bloody superpower. There's all kinds of folks gonna be coming out after that.
Tulip: Superpower? Please! No offense to our superhero and his superpower, but maybe we just showed up at the wrong place at the wrong time. We're in Texas, they pretty much grow dumbass crazy here.

DeBlanc: Stab her gently!

Tulip: So what's the plan, Jesse?
Jesse: The plan is simple: find God.
Cassidy: Oh, no offense, padre, but I'm right... I'm tired of the God talk now.
Jesse: I am, too. That's why we gonna go out and actually find God.
Cassidy: What? Like a... like a road trip? With buckets of guns, sex and drugs, and shady characters dressed in bikinis?
[glances towards Tulip]
Jesse: Yeah, I imagine there'll be a bit of that.
Cassidy: I'm in. Done.
Tulip: I'm sorry. We're just gonna, like, drive around shooting people, getting wasted and looking for God?
Cassidy: [laughs] Oh, I'm so in.
Tulip: And what are you gonna do when you find him?
Jesse: Well, if God wants our help, we'll help him. If he doesn't, we're gonna kick his ass.

Hugo: Vampires, government agents, psychopathic preachers. It's all an unmitigated monster swamp.
Cassidy: That's true. Plonkers and gobshites as far as the eye can see. Still, nobody's perfect. You know?

Cassidy: God may not make mistakes, but people are bloody famous for it.

The: Talk quick, before I lose this bullet in your skull.
Jesse: You think you're working for God, don't you? Kill the Preacher, and God will give you what you want. 'Cause I got some bad news for you. God ain't giving you shit. He's gone.
The: [lowers his gun and lowers the hammer] Prove it.

Jesse: GO TO HELL, EUGENE!

Tulip: So, what's the plan, Jesse?
Jesse: The plan is simple. Find God.
Cassidy: Oh, no offense, Padre, but I'm tired of the God talk now.
Jesse: I am too. That's why we're gonna go out and actually find God.
Cassidy: What? Like a... Like a road trip? With buckets of guns, sex and drugs and shady characters dressed in bikinis?
Jesse: Yeah, I imagine there'll be a bit of that.
Cassidy: I'm in. Done.
Tulip: I'm sorry. We're just gonna, like, drive around shooting people, getting wasted and looking for God?
Cassidy: I am so in.
Tulip: And what are you gonna do when you find him?
Jesse: Well, if God wants our help, we'll help him. If he doesn't, we're gonna kick his ass.
Tulip: Huh. All right, bitches. Let's go.

Archangel: You ever see "Hoosiers", the film about the white boys that almost win the basketball tournament?

Cassidy: I doubt everything all the time, all right? It's the only way to live.

Jesse: [using The Voice] Sing me some Johnny Cash.
Cassidy: [singing] Me some Johnny Cash.

Cassidy: What about me? I'm no innocent, either. I'm a lazy, lying, self-obsessed, drug abusing, cheating fornicator with a filthy mouth. And no ambition. And I think your God, if He really does exist, He's not more than a stocious muppet who smells His own farts.

Donnie: You got me curious now. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that, uh, that I don't listen. What then, huh?
Jesse: You'd hear a noise.
Donnie: [sarcastically] Oh. Ooh, golly gee. Oh, a noise?
Jesse: A high-pitched, kind of... bunny-in-a-bear-trap sound. You'll know when it comes. 'Cause you're the one who'll be making it.

Red: [talking about what they love] For me, it's a big fluffy ass.
Cassidy: Ah, well, you know, whatever floats your boat...

God: [sees a double rainbow] Double rainbow!

Saltonstall: What if I told you, that our organization feels exactly the same way you do?
Herr: Like a 10-inch dick, I'd need to see it to believe it.
Saltonstall: And maybe you shall. Tell me, are you Christian, Herr Starr?
Herr: Does it make a difference?
Saltonstall: This is just the first step in our organization's rigorous screening process. Only the most deserving and, yes, pious candidates are considered.
Herr: Then I am very much a Christian.

Tulip: [Jesse aims gun at man in car trunk] Stop, Jesse. You're gonna mess my car.
Jesse: No I'm not. Trash bag will collect the brains.
Tulip: Yeah, but there's - there's still gonna be splatter and the - the bullet's gonna crack my axle.
Jesse: No, no, no it won't, not if I aim here.

Jesse: You dug out of Hell with your hands?
Arseface: It's not that far.

African: [possessed by God] Be... Quiet!
[the church people and a dog do as he commands. Suddenly, the preacher explores into a pile of blood and gore, splattering them]

Hugo: I see that you are no stranger to our criminal justice system.
Cassidy: Uh oh, manila folder time.
Hugo: Assault and battery in Las Vegas.
Cassidy: Let me just say I... Do you know what? I told him right from the get-go, I don't... I don't like magicians.

Clive: [running towards the church with a musket in his hands] Foodcourt! Foodcourt! Foodcourt!

Cassidy: Right. So Tijuana. Any sod-eyed muppet with a bloody backpack and a pair of frickin' Birkenstocks is gonna go on about that donkey show, man.

DeBlanc: It's called Genesis.
Jesse: "Genesis"? What is that?
Fiore: [whispering] DeBlanc...
DeBlanc: It began with Heaven and Hell. Two armies fighting, two sides hating for as long as we can remember.
Jesse: Heaven and Hell?
DeBlanc: That's right. The endless war. One day, thought to be impossible, but somehow, a soldier from one side and one from the other became drawn to each other.
Jesse: An angel and a demon fell in love?
Fiore: Traitors.
DeBlanc: Strictly forbidden, but they didn't care. Snuck off, met in secret, and conjoined.
Fiore: *Disgusting* traitors.
DeBlanc: And then, after a time, Genesis. A thing never meant to be...
[gestures]
DeBlanc: You know...
Fiore: ...came to be.
Jesse: So you're saying this Genesis is some sort of... angel demon... baby?
DeBlanc: If by "baby" you mean the most powerful entity ever known, the singular force that could shift the balance of power, and threaten all of creation, then yeah, it's a baby.

Jesse: Tammy said "Walk to the Peak" was God's favorite.
Cassidy: [unenthusiastically] It is kinda catchy.
Tulip: Yeah, like cats screwing. At the airport. Under an ice cream truck.

Nate: So Jackie and I got a bet. She says you're off your rocker. I say you're only half off your rocker.

Jesse: I told you to serve God, Odin.
Odin: I am. Devoutly.
Jesse: What kind of a God wants to tear down a church?
Odin: The God of Meat, of course.
Jesse: The God... of Meat?
Odin: The God of what's tangible. What's touchable and true. The God of Meat.
Jesse: I see, I see.
Odin: You think that's funny?
Jesse: No, no. It's batshit crazy.
Odin: You know what's crazy, Preacher? What's completely banana-balls insane? Following a God who is silent. That is crazy.
Jesse: I agree.

Tulip: Who's his favourite movie star?
Cassidy: What?
Tulip: His favourite movie star. Who does he think pretty much shits sunshine? Who would that be?
Cassidy: It's Ryan Philippe! It's Ryan Philippe.
Tulip: [leans forward] John Wayne.

Jesse: Vampire, huh? Sounds like fun.
Cassidy: Can be. Sometimes.

Tulip: Yeah, much better plan. Let's use some guy's hand to call down Heaven on a phone and let some beardy white guy decide.
Jesse: You don't know he's white.
Tulip: Well he better be or else he'll have even more explaining to do.
Jesse: So God's a racist too now as well? Is that what you're saying?

Cassidy: He's a bloody preacher, for Christ's sake. He's a preacher, alright? You know, his job is to, is to, uh... To tell you the truth, I don't know exactly what his job is, but I know it's not walking around just casting judgement.

Jesse: Be here. Work hard, help others, preach the Gospel. Be one of the good guys.
Cassidy: Do you know what? He has a plan for me, too.
Jesse: I'm sure He does.
Cassidy: His plan for me is to let you know that his plan for you is the dumbest, most boring plan he's ever come up with.

Cassidy: What the bloody hell happened there?
Jesse: Shotgun. Tried to kill himself.
Cassidy: He's walking the earth with a face like an arsehole. Should've tried harder. Was than an un-Christian like thing to say, was it?
Jesse: Pretty much.
Cassidy: All right. Poor lad.

Jesse: Why we always talking about me? What's your story, Cassidy?
Cassidy: No, it's pretty typical, really. I am a 119 year-old vampire from Dublin City.
Jesse: [laughs]
Cassidy: And I'm currently on the run from a group of vampire-hunting religious vigilantes who keep tracking me down somehow. What else? I'm a right-handed Sagittarius. I love Chinese food. I've never seen the Pacific Ocean. And I think that The Big Labowski's overrated.

Cassidy: [talking agitatedly about a conspiracy theory involving baby foreskin] Skin grafts. Skin grafts. We know they are putting foreskin in skin grafts. It was on the Oprah Winfrey Show. And they are putting it into the face creams you all use, the girls.
Tulip: Hold up. They do not put foreskins in face creams.
Cassidy: Yes, they do. It helps bloody collagen or something like that.
Tulip: Cassidy, that is a lie. You'd feel those itty-bitty foreskins on you.
Cassidy: What you feel is smoother, younger-seeming skin. See? And that's how they hook you. Just gotta think about it.
Jesse: [looks at Tulip] You do have nice skin.
Tulip: Shut up.

Cassidy: God, eh?
Jesse: Yup.
Cassidy: Coming to Texas?
Jesse: Sunday morning.
Cassidy: That'll be something.
Jesse: Yup.

[last lines]
Lucy: Mr. Cassidy. Will we ever see you again?
Cassidy: Jaysis, I hope so.

Young: Till the end of the world, right?
10: [almost asleep] Hmmm...
Young: [shakes him] You have to say your part of it or else it doesn't count.
10: Till the end of the world.

Clive: [completely calm] Preacher shot my dick off. See?
[shows it to the other men, some are vomiting]
Clive: An incredible shot. Just took it clean off. It's alright. It doesn't hurt that much at all, you know? Not really.

Audiobook: We hope you enjoyed this edition of "American Psychopaths". Join us next time for Chapter 58, "Dick Cheney".

Tulip: Can I ask a question that is not about the dog and the different rooms?
Jesse: She wants to know about the girl.
Preacher: Well, parishioners need help with their urges... drugs, sex, Twitter... they come to me.
Tulip: So someone comes to you for help and you put them in a cage?
Preacher: A covered cage. That's right. To curb their urges.
Tulip: Am I the only one here who thinks that's, like, psychotic?
Cassidy: No, I was wondering the exact same thing. Why not just lock her in a cellar? You could chain her to the bloody wall or something like that.

Cassidy: And what about you... Sheriff? All this. Last I checked, this kinda questioning was illegal.
Hugo: Not in Texas.
[Cocks gun]
Hugo: Not when a man's looking for his son.
Cassidy: Are you really looking for him, though, is what I'm wondering? Just come on, be honest with me now, right. Could there not be... like a teeny-tiny part of you that'd be happy if he was just gone?
Hugo: Eugene's a good boy.
Cassidy: I know. I know that. But he's sort of annoyingly good, though. Am I right? Always talking, asking his bloody questions, and that face, I just... I honestly... I don't know how you do it. Having to wake up to that giant, puckered arseface staring at you across the breakfast table day after day...
[Root shoots Cassidy six times, Cassidy falls to the cell floor groaning]
Cassidy: You'll see. This just proves my point exactly. Nobody's perfect.
Hugo: [Root unlocks the cell door] You can go.
Cassidy: [Laying on the cell floor groaning] Ahh. Good. I got to be someplace.

Preacher: You broke my door and my dog. What the hell else do you want?
The: Preacher.
Preacher: I'm the only preacher here. There's whiskey. Sit.
The: Where is he?
Preacher: He cut out for Dodge City first light... Join up with Wyatt Earp.
The: Where is he?
Preacher: Georgia. Midnight train.
The: Where is he?
Preacher: He's on his way to San Anton to cornhole your mother, the whore.
The: You know who I am?
Preacher: You're the, uh... yeah, I've heard about you.
The: So, you know I can make you tell me? And you know that knife that you're holding in your hand won't stop me asking.
Preacher: No, but it'll stop me from saying.

The: I love my horse. I love my wife. And I love my little girl. And as for Jesus, he can join us all in Hell.

Jesse: Ready?
Tulip: Do I look ready?
Jesse: Carlos, what about you? You ready?
Carlos: [nervously] I'm... I'm not. Not really.
Jesse: [smiles] Tough shit.

Cassidy: Genesis? What, like the bloody band? It's a terrible name.

Fiore: [getting punched in the genitals] My tenders...

Tulip: Cass! You okay? Jesse said the cops got you.
Cassidy: Yeah, no, I'm fine. They just let me off with a warning and a couple of bullet holes.

Ashleigh: [calling through the door] Can I just have my phone for five minutes, please? Just to post something on Instagram.
Preacher: Just say your prayers like I told you. No one wants to see photos of a sick girl in a dark cage.
Cassidy: I think you'd be surprised, actually, mate.

Fiore: [hearing a knock at the door] Must be the towels.
Fiore: [looks through the peephole] It's not.
[gets shot through the eye from the peephole]