Top 20 Quotes From Jesse Custer

Jesse: [using The Voice] Sing me some Johnny Cash.
Cassidy: [singing] Me some Johnny Cash.

DeBlanc: Oh, shit.
Jesse: Damn.
Fiore: Crap.

Cassidy: What the bloody hell happened there?
Jesse: Shotgun. Tried to kill himself.
Cassidy: He's walking the earth with a face like an arsehole. Should've tried harder. Was than an un-Christian like thing to say, was it?
Jesse: Pretty much.
Cassidy: All right. Poor lad.

Cassidy: God, eh?
Jesse: Yup.
Cassidy: Coming to Texas?
Jesse: Sunday morning.
Cassidy: That'll be something.
Jesse: Yup.

Tulip: So, what's the plan, Jesse?
Jesse: The plan is simple. Find God.
Cassidy: Oh, no offense, Padre, but I'm tired of the God talk now.
Jesse: I am too. That's why we're gonna go out and actually find God.
Cassidy: What? Like a... Like a road trip? With buckets of guns, sex and drugs and shady characters dressed in bikinis?
Jesse: Yeah, I imagine there'll be a bit of that.
Cassidy: I'm in. Done.
Tulip: I'm sorry. We're just gonna, like, drive around shooting people, getting wasted and looking for God?
Cassidy: I am so in.
Tulip: And what are you gonna do when you find him?
Jesse: Well, if God wants our help, we'll help him. If he doesn't, we're gonna kick his ass.
Tulip: Huh. All right, bitches. Let's go.

The: Talk quick, before I lose this bullet in your skull.
Jesse: You think you're working for God, don't you? Kill the Preacher, and God will give you what you want. 'Cause I got some bad news for you. God ain't giving you shit. He's gone.
The: [lowers his gun and lowers the hammer] Prove it.

Jesse: You dug out of Hell with your hands?
Arseface: It's not that far.

Donnie: You got me curious now. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that, uh, that I don't listen. What then, huh?
Jesse: You'd hear a noise.
Donnie: [sarcastically] Oh. Ooh, golly gee. Oh, a noise?
Jesse: A high-pitched, kind of... bunny-in-a-bear-trap sound. You'll know when it comes. 'Cause you're the one who'll be making it.

Jesse: I told you to serve God, Odin.
Odin: I am. Devoutly.
Jesse: What kind of a God wants to tear down a church?
Odin: The God of Meat, of course.
Jesse: The God... of Meat?
Odin: The God of what's tangible. What's touchable and true. The God of Meat.
Jesse: I see, I see.
Odin: You think that's funny?
Jesse: No, no. It's batshit crazy.
Odin: You know what's crazy, Preacher? What's completely banana-balls insane? Following a God who is silent. That is crazy.
Jesse: I agree.

Jesse: GO TO HELL, EUGENE!

Tulip: So what's the plan, Jesse?
Jesse: The plan is simple: find God.
Cassidy: Oh, no offense, padre, but I'm right... I'm tired of the God talk now.
Jesse: I am, too. That's why we gonna go out and actually find God.
Cassidy: What? Like a... like a road trip? With buckets of guns, sex and drugs, and shady characters dressed in bikinis?
[glances towards Tulip]
Jesse: Yeah, I imagine there'll be a bit of that.
Cassidy: I'm in. Done.
Tulip: I'm sorry. We're just gonna, like, drive around shooting people, getting wasted and looking for God?
Cassidy: [laughs] Oh, I'm so in.
Tulip: And what are you gonna do when you find him?
Jesse: Well, if God wants our help, we'll help him. If he doesn't, we're gonna kick his ass.

Odin: Now, Preacher Custer here argues not only is there a God, he's going to call him down, right into this room, and we're all gonna talk to him. Ain't that right, Preacher Custer?
Jesse: Something like that.
Odin: What I say, my position in all of this is, that Preacher Custer, like every single preacher, priest, and holy man since the dawn of time, is full of shit. The only true God, the only real God, is the God of Meat.

Jesse: But something you've read, something in your library?
Preacher: No.
Jesse: Nothing in all these books?
Preacher: Books? You call Heaven on an angel phone to discover God's gone to roam the Earth. What book is that exactly?

Tulip: Yeah, much better plan. Let's use some guy's hand to call down Heaven on a phone and let some beardy white guy decide.
Jesse: You don't know he's white.
Tulip: Well he better be or else he'll have even more explaining to do.
Jesse: So God's a racist too now as well? Is that what you're saying?

Jesse: Be here. Work hard, help others, preach the Gospel. Be one of the good guys.
Cassidy: Do you know what? He has a plan for me, too.
Jesse: I'm sure He does.
Cassidy: His plan for me is to let you know that his plan for you is the dumbest, most boring plan he's ever come up with.

Cassidy: [talking agitatedly about a conspiracy theory involving baby foreskin] Skin grafts. Skin grafts. We know they are putting foreskin in skin grafts. It was on the Oprah Winfrey Show. And they are putting it into the face creams you all use, the girls.
Tulip: Hold up. They do not put foreskins in face creams.
Cassidy: Yes, they do. It helps bloody collagen or something like that.
Tulip: Cassidy, that is a lie. You'd feel those itty-bitty foreskins on you.
Cassidy: What you feel is smoother, younger-seeming skin. See? And that's how they hook you. Just gotta think about it.
Jesse: [looks at Tulip] You do have nice skin.
Tulip: Shut up.

DeBlanc: It's called Genesis.
Jesse: "Genesis"? What is that?
Fiore: [whispering] DeBlanc...
DeBlanc: It began with Heaven and Hell. Two armies fighting, two sides hating for as long as we can remember.
Jesse: Heaven and Hell?
DeBlanc: That's right. The endless war. One day, thought to be impossible, but somehow, a soldier from one side and one from the other became drawn to each other.
Jesse: An angel and a demon fell in love?
Fiore: Traitors.
DeBlanc: Strictly forbidden, but they didn't care. Snuck off, met in secret, and conjoined.
Fiore: *Disgusting* traitors.
DeBlanc: And then, after a time, Genesis. A thing never meant to be...
[gestures]
DeBlanc: You know...
Fiore: ...came to be.
Jesse: So you're saying this Genesis is some sort of... angel demon... baby?
DeBlanc: If by "baby" you mean the most powerful entity ever known, the singular force that could shift the balance of power, and threaten all of creation, then yeah, it's a baby.

Cassidy: Jesus, what kind of a preacher are you?
Jesse: The lousy kind.
Cassidy: No, I'm sorry, mate. I've seen the lousy kind. As long as you're not walking around with a little kiddy's arsehole around your finger like a bloody wedding ring, I'd say you were ahead of the game, there.

Tulip: [Jesse aims gun at man in car trunk] Stop, Jesse. You're gonna mess my car.
Jesse: No I'm not. Trash bag will collect the brains.
Tulip: Yeah, but there's - there's still gonna be splatter and the - the bullet's gonna crack my axle.
Jesse: No, no, no it won't, not if I aim here.

Jesse: Ready?
Tulip: Do I look ready?
Jesse: Carlos, what about you? You ready?
Carlos: [nervously] I'm... I'm not. Not really.
Jesse: [smiles] Tough shit.