Top 150 Quotes From Last Man Standing

Kyle: Mr. Alzate?
Ed: Yeah.
Kyle: I do believe, one day, that I'll be in heaven. But I don't see how it could be heaven unless you're there, too.
[beat]
Kyle: You salty son of a bitch.

Kyle: Ya know, you gotta give it up for Columbus. Discoverin' the new world.
Mike: Well, I'll give him this, he's a good salesman.
Kyle: I think you mean *sailor*.
Mike: No, I mean salesman. He was an Italian, got the Spanish to pay for three trips to India, which he never found. That's a good salesman.

Mandy: Didn't we already see this episode?
Eve: It's the news, different every night
Mandy: Sad people, sad place, looks like a rerun to me

Mandy: [to Kristin] I suppose you have never seen Ryan dance before. If you had, then I wouldn't have a nephew.

Vanessa: Can you believe there's another Kardashian?
Mike: Like cars, comes out with a new model every year, got that new Kar-dashian smell.

Mike: You know who should take Boyd to day care? Is that deadbeat, no-good father of his.
Kristin: Yeah, dad. We've been over this, really. I'm doing fine. I know this might be hard for you to believe because you're so old school, but I do not need a man.
Mike: Well, you got a baby, so you needed a man once.
Kristin: Ew! All right, I will take Boyd to day care, but I just hope my being late does not cause the Great Bacon Riot of 2011.
Mike: I like bacon.

Mike: [Holding bag of marijuana-laced candy] I'll put it in my gun safe. Look at that- drugs and guns. I'm definitely a Libertarian.

Eve: [to trick or treaters] You guys want something from Eve Baxter, you've got to work for it
Mike: Good call, try to remember that on Prom night

Ryan: Is there something wrong?
Mike: Not if you enjoyed The Revenant.

Boyd: I'm doing a class project on what we're thankful for.
Kristin: He want's to do a video like your vlogs for Outdoor Man.
Mike: Everybody's thankful for *those*.
Boyd: I like the one where the president needs to pull his head out of Putin's butt.

Mike: I refuse to support any organization that makes its members wear certain clothes.
[Eve walks in, wearing her ROTC uniform]
Mike: Looking sharp, Eve!

Mike: Everybody gives these athletes a lot of slack. It doesn't do them any good. I mean 99% of these kids will never play for a pro team, or even the Cleveland Browns.
Ed: Don't knock the Browns, Mike. If it weren't for them, the Bengals fans wouldn't have anyone to make fun of.

Vanessa: They could think that someone egged their car out of racism?
Mike: I don't think the Klan does a lot of work with eggs?

Kyle: Maybe I can just hang here in class with you?
Mandy: Okay, I guess. Are you sure you won't be bored?
Kyle: Are you kidding me? I love astronomy. Have you got into Capricorns yet?
Mandy: Oh, this is *Intro* to Astronomy. I'm pretty sure they get to horoscopes *next* semester.
Kyle: It's a good thing Capricorns are able to deal with crushing disappointment.

Mike: Fishing is the cure for chaos.

Mike: [noticing Mandy coming down the stairs in a bright red clingy dress and high-heels] Wow! Whoa!
Vanessa: Hey, hey. Where are you goin' dressed like that?
Mandy: Oh, I have a paper due and I didn't quite write it.
Mike: So why... why are you dressed like *that*?
Mandy: I need the professor to give me an extension or, if he *really* likes the dress, an A.

Mike: [on the phone] I'd like to report uh report a missing freeway

[first lines]
Vanessa: Mike, I thought there was supposed to be an article about you in the Denver Business Weekly?
Mike: The guy needed more time. Apparently, five thousand words isn't enough to take in all of this.
Vanessa: Well, that's the price you pay for being *so* fascinating.
Mike: Thank goodness you're a geologist. You dodged *that* bullet.

Mike: Enough with getting Bin Laden, that was three Super Bowls ago, the Von Trapps took less curtain calls.

Eve: [commenting on Mandy's unusual attire] Oh my god, what... what is this?
Mandy: I went to a hoe-down.
Eve: Well, they're down a ho, now that you left.

Mike: Is there a way you could just start the saw a little later in the morning?
Helen: Sorry, I do my best work in the morning.
Mike: I used to get my best sleep in the morning.

Vanessa: Boyd is learning Spanish at his new school.
Blanca: And I will say, with *that* they are doing a very good job.
Mike: Why are they teaching him Spanish in the first grade?
Vanessa: Well, honey, it's a bilingual school. The teacher says everything in English and then says it again in Spanish.
Mike: So you work twice as hard to learn half as much.
Vanessa: Or they are learning twice as much because they're learning another language.
Mike: How do they even understand "twice as much" if there's no time for math?

Mike: [seated in a canoe] Hey, Mike Baxter here
[slaps at mosquito on neck]
Mike: for Outdoor Man. Why do people feel like they need to go with the flow? I like to chart my own course... use my effort to make my boat go where I want it to go. But, some people love conformity.
[looks through binoculars as black and white archive footage of crowds of Chinese saluting Mao plays]
Mike: Ah, the communist party. This is what happens when everyone is forced to be exactly the same. And then there are *these* poor stupid bastards...
[looks to the other side of the river as lemmings are shown going over a cliff]
Mike: normal little Obama supporters. They must think universal healthcare is at the bottom of that cliff. No, just little lemming death panels. America is great because of people who think for themselves. Innovators like Bill Gates, Ronald Reagan, Howard Swifson. Who is Howard Swifson, you ask? He's the CEO of Swifson Watercraft, the developer of the light-weight carbon fiber canoe paddle. Amazing. Wonder where you could find one?
[holds up paddle to display logo]
Mike: How about Outdoor Man? So now remember, everyone do exactly as I say and start thinking for yourselves.

Mike: Certified baby-proofer? How is that a job?
Vanessa: You don't think any job's a job unless it's your job.
Mike: I'm just saying you don't need a professional to baby-proof. Don't want him in that little cupboard down there, you use one of these. It's called a rubber band. You move...
[stopping]
Mike: You hear that clicking? Huh?
[Kristin shakes her head skeptically]
Mike: Loop it a couple times around there like that... baby-proof. That's what your mom and I did when you guys were kids.
Vanessa: Yeah, we only had to call Poison Control twice.
Mike: Yeah. Once was your mom's potato salad.
Vanessa: Oh, I'm so sick of hearing about that potato salad.
Mike: I lost a quart of water that day.
Vanessa: You never liked my mother.
Mike: That's 'cause she tried to kill us.

Ed: With this water purifier they can drink their own pee.
Mike: Or river water, or lake water. But by all means, use the pee as a selling point.

Kristin: Hey, come on in. Everybody this is my new boss. This is John Baker.
Vanessa: Oh hi, i'm Vanessa.
Mike: [Inquisitively] Mike Baxter... man you look familiar.
John: Well, you know, I used to work with Kristen.
Mike: [Confidently] That's not it.
Kristin: Well, uh, John just came by to give me a ride to my first dinner shift.
John: Yeah, you know makes sense to carpool, save the planet, right?
[Pats Ryan on back]
Ryan: [Annoyed] Yeah, whatever.
John: [Saving Face] I'm just kidding. Environmental regulations are job killers. I'm a small business owner, I know.
[Opens door to leave]
Kristin: [Surprised] Whoa, is that your car?
John: [Confidently] Ah, yeah. I had it supped up a bit.
[Gets Mike's attention]
John: You know... for more power.
Mike: [Grunts] OOOOOOAGH YEAAAAAAH
Ryan: [John and Kristin leave]
[Ryan is annoyed]
Ryan: Bye
Mike: [to Vanessa, about John] That kid was raised RIGHT.

Helen: It's not the American flag that I object to. It's when you fly your Broncos flag. I prefer Oakland.
Mike: People in Oakland don't even prefer Oakland.

Mike: Honey, I-I don't think you're ever gonna be able to rely on this Travis guy, and I'm also gonna ground you 'till you can figure out how to change a tire.
Mandy: [running out] That's so unfair!
Mike: Who ever said life was supposed to be fair? I'm just doing this so you don't have to depend on a man.
Kristin: Um, I thought your argument with me was that I needed a man.
Mike: [stammering] Just concern yourself with this area over here.

Ed: I could sell rice to an eskimo
Mandy: Don't you mean sell ice to an eskimo?
Ed: Why would they need ice? It's all around.

Eve: Aw, Dad, Dad Dad Dad. You haven't changed a bit.
Mike: Well, that's the good thing about me. No matter how long you haven't seen me, I'm still the...
[looks directly at camera, waggles eyebrows]
Mike: same old guy.

Eve: Well, we have to move!
Vanessa: What happened?
Eve: Dad! He told me that boys would like me more if I played aggressive. I sprained Victor Blake's ankle, and now they call me "Queen Kong."
[Mike enters the house behind her]
Eve: I'm going to pack! Ugh!
Mike: [seeing Vanessa's expression] I can explain. We might have to move.

Vanessa: That cop pulled me over today and gave me a ticket.
Mike: I told ya to stay off Cedar, babe.
Vanessa: No, he's movin' around. He was on Hudson, today.
Mike: Hudson? That's under construction. Double the fine. Smart cop.
Vanessa: Oh, I don't care about the fine...
Mike: *I* care about the fine.
Vanessa: It's just... I've always been able to... you know...
[tosses her hair]
Mike: Come on, honey, with your knockers, you go with the *hair*?

Kyle: I've always thought honesty is the best policy. Although Outdoor Man's return policy is a close second.

Mike: Honey, I need my nuts.
[Vanessa tosses Mike a bag of walnuts]

Mandy: I can't answer that question
Eve: Millionth time you've said that in a classroom, surprised the roof didn't fall down

Mandy: [to Kyle] I don't care if you win or lose as long as Eve loses, please make that happen.

Mandy: Raise my prices? How would you do that?
[Mike turns the laptop towards her]
Mike: Make the numbers bigger.

Mike: [to Chuck] A black man who likes hockey, that's the most creative costume I've seen all night

Mike: What happened to men? We used to build cities just so we could burn them down. We got our hair cut by a guy named Hank.

Brody: Kyle, look, before Baxter's daughter shorted all your wires out, what gave your life meaning?
Kyle: I dunno, I guess I always found meaning in what I learned at Sunday School.
Brody: That's it! Like Mark 12:31, "Love your neighbor as yourself".
Kyle: Yeah, that's a good one.
Uncle: Mark had better neighbors than me.
Brody: *I'm* your neighbor.
Uncle: Hey, you're makin' my point.

John: My favorite customers are the ones on bad dates. They never finish their wine.

[first lines]
Mike: Hey babe.
Vanessa: He-ey.
Mike: What's the matter?
Vanessa: Oh nothing. I'm just... I'm just right on that late afternoon fence where do I have another cup of coffee or just say screw it and pour my first glass of wine.
Mike: Tough one.
Vanessa: Well, which way do you love me more, a little jittery and chatty or passed out and drooling by eight-thirty?
Mike: I love you both ways.
[leans in for a kiss then slides a wine bottle toward Vanessa]

Kristin: We're taking Boyd out for frozen yogurt as an excuse to get frozen yogurt. You wanna come?
Vanessa: Nah, your dad's out, and I'm going to have a glass of wine and watch some trashy show that he would just ruin by shouting "That would never happen".
Eve: Yeah, try watching cartoons with him.

Mandy: [to Kristin and Eve] You're not my target customers, because your *Target* customers.

Vanessa: Uh, Eve, what happened to your lip?
Eve: Oh, uh, I got into a little scrap with Richie Hayden.
Vanessa: What?
Eve: Yeah, um, I know as a joke people like to say how you should see the other guy, but seriously, you should see the other guy.

Mandy: Sorry I'm late for dinner! Travis and I got a flat tire, and it took forever for AAA to get there.
Mike: Wait. Don't tell me you called a strange person to change your tire.
Mandy: Then why did you give me an auto club card?
Mike: That's for a real emergency, like a meteor hitting the car or something. Wh-where is Travis?
Mandy: Uh, he went to the tanning salon.
Mike: [groaning in pain] Ohh! Ugh! Ow! That actually hurts to hear that.

Ryan: Scared of a little boy?
Mike: This coming from the guy who took one look at him and left for three years.

Mike: You know, you had a great night and you're obsessing on one little thing that didn't go your way. You're being a real Mrs. Lincoln right now

Ed: This weekend, we're going to escape to nature as we defeat Ted's Tackle Box in the Grudge Cup.
Mike: I wish it was that easy.
Ed: It will be, 'cause I hired a new fork-lift guy who's a master marksman. He can shoot a nut out of a squirrel's paw at 400 yards.
Mike: Can he operate the fork lift?
Ed: Who cares? After we win, I'm gonna fire him.
Mike: So let me get this straight: you hired a strange guy who's a sniper, and you're gonna fire him.
Ed: I might not have thought this all the way through.

Mike: Hey, Eve, would you give me the ketchup...
Eve: Not talking to you.
Mike: Kristin, does Boyd want a hot dog, or do you have some soy thing on a stick in your purse?
[Kristin ignores him]
Mike: Okay, I get it. Nobody's talking to me.
Mandy: I'm talking to you, dad.
Mike: That makes me nervous.

Eve: This store isn't big enough for both of us.
Kyle: Fire code allows for 1200 people.

Mike: [to Ryan] That's a good call, say trick in your neighbourhood, you get a girl named Kandi

Mike: Whatever you do, I'll support you
Vanessa: Really?
Mike: Have to, only have one income

[first lines]
Mike: [from off screen] Hey Eve, can you come out an help me for a minute, please?
Eve: Okay.
[walks out into back yard]
Eve: Where *are* you? Dad? Da-ad, you out here?
[a nearby shrubbery reaches out and attaches a snack bag clip to the back of her camo shirt]
Eve: Hey! Dammit!
Mike: You have been clipped.
[makes gun gestures with his hands]
Eve: You're in a Ghillie suit. That's no fair.
Mike: This is a war game. What do you mean, "It's not fair"? Do you think the Taliban has chip clips? They don't have stuff like this. They *hate* us for our freshness.

Mike: Hey Kyle, do you have a man cave?
Kyle: My van. One place where people aren't all up in my business. You have no idea how tiring it is.'Kyle, do this.' 'Kyle, do that.' 'Kyle, for God's sake, get your act together.'
Mike: I don't do that.
Kyle: Your daughter does.

Mandy: I still don't get why I have to have a job. it's so unfair!
Vanessa: Oh, you're gonna be selling clothes. You love clothes, and you get to work at the mall. You love the mall.
Eve: I think it's good you're getting a job. You treat dad like an ATM.
Mike: Yes, and I'm not an ATM. You know how I know? I only speak English.
Eve: [laughing, she and Mike high-five] That's a good one, dad.
Mike: Ah, here's $20.
Mandy: Whoa. Hey, why doesn't she have to work?
Eve: 'Cause I don't need money. I've got everything I want.
[handing the bill back to Mike]
Eve: In fact, here, dad.
Mike: I insist.
Eve: Wouldn't even know what to do with it.
Mandy: [storming out in frustration] Ugh!
Eve: I'll take that 20 now.
Mike: You earned it.

Vanessa: [walking out of the house] Mike, how long are you two going to play this stupid game?
Mike: It's not stupid.
Vanessa: I've got Fritos here that have turned into roof tiles.
Mike: These tactics could save our daughter's life in combat.
Vanessa: Great, another *bush* starting an unnecessary war.

[School bell rings]
Eve: Oh my god! Look everyone!
Mandy: Ohh!
Eve: It's Kenny from South Park! Wow! Wait a minute
[Takes off Mandy's sunglasses]
Eve: It's Mandy Baxter.
Mandy: Ahh. No.
Eve: So this is what she really looks like.
Mandy: No, it's - it's not me! It's not Mandy Baxter, okay?
[Walking away]
Mandy: It's an ugly exchange student from Spain! Bonjour!

Mike: [in his vlog] Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. President Richard Nixon once said, "People react to fear, not love." Easy for him to say because he was kinda scary and nobody loved him. But Nixon's right, to get people to do what you want, scare the heck outta 'em. For example, have a bunch of scientists convince everyone the world's climate is changing. Now, we used to call that the seasons. Thank you, Al Gore, not for your inconvenient truth, but for your convenient fib that you created the internet? Wow. The greatest device in history for spreading fear, half-truths, and videos of cats attacking toddlers.
[makes cat hissing sound]
Mike: Years ago, if a guy put on a robe and stood on his street corner with a sign saying, "The end is near", it was easy to say he was bananas. Well now that same dude can hide behind a slick website in his mom's basement, and as far as we know he's Walter Cronkite. I have an idea. Let's stop believing the fear-mongers. Maybe Nixon was wrong. Maybe people can be motivated by love. I bet you will love saving twenty percent off a sonar fish finder. I don't want to spread any fear here, but if you're a trout, this thing does mean the end is near.

Vanessa: [Mike has brought a giant fish home for dinner] What am I supposed to do with this?
Mike: You slice it, mouth to anus. You pull everything out. Pretty self-explanatory.

Mike: Honey, what's the harm in letting her try out?
Vanessa: Really, honey? A teen model? You want her hanging out in Vegas with Russian mobsters and, uh, David Spade?
Mike: I absolutely do not want that!

Vanessa: [being filmed by Boyd] What am I thankful for? Uh, I guess I'm thankful for science... specifically the fermentation process that helps me get through the holidays.
[raises wine glass to lips]
Mike: You know, his teacher's gonna see this. She'll probably send you a pamphlet.

[last lines]
Mike: [giving toast] Alright, alright, to all my winos, gamblers and drug dealers, Happy Thanksgiving.

Eve: Mandy just called me mean.
Mandy: Eve called Kyle a loser.
Mike: I think you're both really onto something.

Mandy: Will you go pick up Travis, please?
Mike: You can pick him up.
Mandy: Really?
Mike: Yeah, if you can just figure out how to change a tire.
[Mandy turns to leave]
Mike: So sad.
Mandy: I'm living with Lord Voldemort!
Mike: I don't know who that is, but he sounds like a very caring father.

Ed: This new tracking device is great. It pinpoints your hunting dog's position and speed every five seconds. Look, the little bugger's moving pretty fast through the brush out back. Look at that. Look at that.
Mike: Whose dog is that? And why is it coming in the building?
Ed: Oh, yeah, you'll soon see he should be coming through that door in three, two, and...
[Mike groans as Kyle runs in with a collar around his neck]

Ed: So now you're down on your quarterback. Even though he and Mandy have a date tonight.
Mike: How do you know that?
Ed: Mandy and I are Facebook pals. I asked her to be my friend, she said yes. We call it friending.
Mike: You should call it frightening.
Ed: Mandy has thousands of friends on the world wide web.
Mike: And as a parent, you're always going to be frightened that one of them is a weird, old man.

Chuck: This election, can't wait til it's over, the election not the marriage although either one would solve it

Ed: How is Mike pretending to be angry, scary, and unstable good for our website?
Kyle: We've gotten tons of hits. Hits are good.
Ed: I know hits are good, you jackwang. I'm not a thousand years old.
Kyle: It's gone viral. Our web traffic is way up.
Ed: Well... looks like this company has finally entered the 20th century, huh?
Kyle: But it's the 21st century, sir.
Ed: One step at a time, Kyle.

Mandy: After Eve interrupts a phone conversation between Mandy and Kyle to apologize for earlier actions that hurt Mandy, telling Mandy that she's sorry and she loves her, and then leaves the room, Mandy tells Kyle "I'm not sure but I think Eve is dying."

Ryan: I don't want Boyd thinking that violence is fun. Now I'm gonna go outside and figure out where to hang the Donald Trump piñata.

Eve: [to Vanessa] Something short and half naked ran downstairs, Mandy's here so I'm guessing it was Boyd

Mike: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and all of you on the fence.

Kristin: Hey, mom, can you take Boyd to day care? I can't be late to the diner. It's our salute to bacon week, and I am the only person who knows how to work the defibrillator.
Vanessa: I'm running late. Ask your dad.
Kristin: Oh, not dad. Boyd only knows, like, six words, and half of them are "I blame Obamacare!". He's a bad influence.
Mike: You know, he's standing right here.
Vanessa: He does his best.
Mike: Literally, I'm standing right here.

Uncle: My philosophy is, "If it ain't broke, hey, you got hosed buying the warranty".

Vanessa: Hey, how was your day?
Mike: You know that scene in Jurassic Park, where the dinosaur finds the guy stuck in the mud, spits at him, and then eats him?
Vanessa: That bad, huh?
Mike: No, that good. At work, I am the dinosaur.

Mike: Have we met before?
Helen: You do look vaguely familiar.
Mike: Yeah. Is this your, uh, tile saw? It's a nice one.
Helen: You like tools?
Mike: Not as much as I used to. So, other than making a lot of noise, what are you what are you doing out here?
Helen: Ugh, I got a million things to fix around the house. My idiot husband thought he was quite the handyman, but mostly, he just set stuff on fire, blew things up, and complained about my cooking.
Mike: Sounds like a fun Tuesday night.
Helen: You should try putting up with him for eight years. Eight long years.
Mike: The thing is, this saw is making a lot of noise, and it's bothering the dog next door, who's barking and keeping everybody awake. Is there a way you could just start the sawing a little later in the morning?
Helen: Sorry, I do my best work in the morning.
Mike: I used to get my best sleep in the morning.
Chuck: [peeking over fence] Hi-dee-ho there, Baxter.
Mike: Hey, Larabee.
Chuck: Doesn't sound like you're doing much better with Helen than I did. I told you she was a tough one.
Mike: Yeah. Do you have something else on besides that hat?
Chuck: Maybe it's time for a different approach. You know, Mike, this reminds me of the ancient Aztecs. Whenever they had trouble with a neighboring tribe, very often...
Mike: Yeah, I got... listen, y-you lost me on "hi-dee-ho."

Vanessa: The point is, we need to decide things together.
Mike: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: And we went a little nuts with the whole baby-proofing thing. So, uh, if you're on board, I think we should just dial it back.
Mike: What about Kristin?
[off-screen, there's a loud rattling and banging]
Kristin: Ugh! Mother-father! Nothing opens around here!
Vanessa: I think she'll be okay with it.

Mike: Acne's not contagious.
Mandy: I don't know that, kids at school stayed away from them, treated them like leopards.
Vanessa: I think you mean leper.
Mandy: The D's silent, I didn't know that.

Helen: You like tools?
Mike: Not as much as I used to.

Mandy: Wait a sec. Eve's in the paper, Dad's in a magazine. Sorry, did this whole family get a publicist and not tell me?
Eve: You don't need a publicist. Aren't you mentioned in a lot of limericks?
Mandy: Joke's on you. I don't know what a limerick is.

Ed: If you want respect, go be the Queen of England.

Eve: Later, 'rents.
Vanessa: Later, 'aughter.
Mike: Have fun at 'ool.

[Vanessa brings up that the neighborhood meeting is on a school night]
Mandy: Oh my god!
Vanessa: What?
Mandy: Never mind.
Mandy: [whispering to Kristin] I didn't go to school today.

Mandy: Kyle, you think I love you because you're good at some game? I'm not shallow like that. I love you because you're hot.

Mike: Those of you waging a war against vaccinations, you're going to lose that war, vaccines won the Revolutionary War. See at that time there was a big outbreak of small pox, not to be confused with great pox, which is what they called syphilis, that led to the great 18th century pick up line, "Come on baby, it's only small pox." Anyhoo, the British had a natural immunity to small pox, so in a early version of biological warfare, they would intentionally spread the disease to our colonists by sneezing in public or borrowing our chap stick. We had our own secret weapon: George Washington. He would inoculate the troops using a technique called variolation. If you're eating right now I'd suggest you put down that fork. Because variolation is where you poke one of your infected buddy's infected sores and insert the goo under your own healthy skin. This led to the popular 18th century expression, "This century is gross!" But it worked. The small pox rates plummeted and we won the war. So you see if it hadn't been for vaccinations we would have lost the war, we'd all be British, football would be soccer, we'd be eating bangers and mash, and "spotted dick" would be dessert.

Vanessa: You sure about this?
Mike: She's sixteen.
Mandy: [leaving] I'm seventeen, dad.
Mike: Seventeen. She should... she should think about getting her a job.
Vanessa: Well, it's just easier to give her money.
Mike: Well, we just can't be lazy with our kids. We're better than that.
Vanessa: Are we?

Customer: I usually camp on my own.
Ed: Sorry we're fresh out of loser tents.

Mike: Hi, Blanca.
Blanca: Welcome home, Mr. Mike. I have your favorite, a frosty mug and spiced nuts on the tray.
Mike: Thank you. You know when an American woman serves your nuts on a tray it means somethin' totally different.
Blanca: But, Mr. Mike, an American woman did serve nuts to you.
[points to American flag pinned to her apron]
Mike: No way. Oh, congratulations.
[hugs Blanca]
Blanca: Thank you.
Mike: That is such good news.
Blanca: It's good to be here, I mean to *really* be here.
Mike: Now you're part of the club. Confidentially, at the Alamo, we weren't really trying.

Mike: Hey, guys, great to be back in the sanctuary.
[greetings from his coworkers]
Mike: Yeah. No hair dryers, no tears, no citrus body wash. It smells like balls in here.

Mike: You can't keep sleeping on my couch. I want the memory foam to have a chance to forget about you.

[first lines]
Mike: Well, beautiful wife, beautiful night, great cup of coffee at the end of the workday.
Vanessa: Nice.
Mike: Couldn't be better.
Mandy: [from inside the house] Dad!
Mike: You never wanna get too happy. They sense it, then they just crush it.

Vanessa: How's work?
Kristin: Oh, they're adding all you can eat sausage to the mix tomorrow. It's gonna be mayhem.
Vanessa: [sympathetically] Mm.
Mike: I love sausage.
Vanessa: Your dad can drive Boyd to day care.
Mike: There's no car seat in the truck.
Vanessa: Well, I will take the truck. You can take the minivan.
Mike: [he laughs] You'll take the truck. I'll drive the minivan. You're not kidding right now, are you?
Vanessa: No, I'm not.

Vanessa: Oh, your dad's home.
Eve: Oh, finally. I've been cooped up with you hens long enough.
Vanessa: Oh, Eve, honey, it's not cute when your dad says it, and it's just... confusing when you do it.

Kyle: I'm starting to think you're only keeping me around for these humiliating jobs.
Mike: Ed, Ed, Ed, this is the kind of stuff you get sued for, Ed.
Ed: Come on, Mike. You know, hazing the new guy is a male rite of passage. Now, when I was a grunt in the service, they tied me to a tree with a garden hose.
Mike: Big deal.
Ed: The tree was on fire. They put it out with urine.

Ryan: Republicans make it to Senate, Obama's hands are tied
Mike: How will he play golf?
[Mike opens the door to see Chuck and screams]
Mike: What are you dressed as little girl?

Mike: Why is there a van out front that says "Safe Havens"? Are we having an intervention?
Vanessa: [sarcastic] You got me. I turned your office into a meth lab.
Kristin: It's the baby-proofing guy. He's here for a consultation.
Mike: I know who it is. It's that huckster from TV.
Vanessa: [indicating he's in the other room] Shh! He's...
Mike: I can't believe you'd invite him over here without asking me.
Kristin: I made the appointment. And I brought home pie.
Mike: You can't distract me with a... a very warm, delicious-looking pie.

[first lines]
Mike: Football on, women setting the table, why can't *every* day be Thanksgiving?

[last lines]
Eve: [reading the newspaper] Why can't the people in the Middle East keep it together?
Mandy: [reading a celeb gossip magazine] Why can't Taylor Swift hold onto a boyfriend?
Eve: Why can't North Korea join the rest of the world community?
Mandy: Why can't Courteney Cox join the Friends cast reunion?
Eve: Why can't Putin keep his shirt on?
Mandy: Why can't Channing Tatum keep *his* shirt on?
[Eve glances over at Mandy's magazine]
Mandy: Ah, ah, ah, ah,
[covering the pages with her hands]
Mandy: who know what's really important?
Eve: You do.
[reaches for the magazine]
Eve: Give me that.

Mike: [to John] I'm proud of you, son, if you don't mind me calling you son. It just seems to fit.

Mike: You know who else wouldn't approve the speech they want me to give? Me... and God, who I'm also not allowed to mention, but I do.

Boyd: I didn't know he was magical?
Eve: So was Chucky, that didn't end well.

[last lines]
Mike: Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, with a big thank you to everyone who's watched these vlogs, all 194 of them. I'm not gonna lie... you got great taste. But I also wanted to thank everyone who's not watching, because they're probably out making something, building something, doing something, fixing something. For too many people, the only thing they know is how to make an excuse. "It was too hard. Didn't feel good. They sent the wrong part."
[chuckles]
Mike: I've been thinking a lot about makers and takers, you know? Because I had something very valuable taken from me. Somebody took my truck. Ten years of attention to detail, poof, gone. It's an empty feeling, like when John Elway retired. Wow. Am I sad? Yeah, I'm sad. And I did what I always do when I get sad: Eat some pork and remember Ronald Reagan. The Gipper. And the verse he quoted when he lost the 1976 GOP nomination. "Though I am hurt, I am not slain. I lay me down to bleed a while. Then I'll rise and fight again." I loved every moment of that show - I mean truck. It was a classic from a simpler, happier time. You know... the truck. And that's something that can't be stolen from me. What kind of punks steal other people's stuff? Make something yourself. Men. My mother was right. She always quoted this famous comedian, and I can't remember his name, who said, "Men are pigs, oh, oh, oh." Baxter out.

Eve: So, I guess someone is just gonna have to die before I can sit at the big table?
Mike: Ryan's in the den by himself. How bad do you want it?

Vanessa: Eve is opening doors for women.
Kristin: Hmm, just like Hillary Clinton.
Mike: Well, Hillary better knock... make sure Bill's got his pants on.

Mandy: So can I have $20, or...
Mike: $20 for a cup of coffee?
Mandy: I'm a huge tipper. It's kind of my thing. I-I just feel so sorry for anybody that has to wear an apron.
Vanessa: You ask me why I put rum in here? This is why.

Mike: If you want money, maybe you should do what other people do.
Mandy: Get my own reality show. Dad, I'm trying.
Mike: How about a part-time job?
Mandy: [laughing] Job. Come on.
[she stops]
Mandy: Oh, my god. Are we poor?
Mike: You are.
[indicating himself and Vanessa]
Mike: We're doing very well.

[last lines]
Vanessa: I worry about our daughters and the men they choose.
Mike: I know. They can't all win the lottery like you did.
Vanessa: [laughs] Just remember, a lot of people who win the lottery end up killing themselves.
Mike: And *you* remember they usually end up blowing their winnings.

[last lines]
Ed: We should do this again in twenty-five years, huh?
Mike: Twenty-five years. Kinda wishful thinking on your part.

Mike: Aren't you supposed to be at work?
Mandy: Yeah, it's my lunch break. Hey, can you front me $500?
Mike: [laughing it off] No.
[leading her into his office and shutting the door]
Mike: Get in there.
Mandy: There was a workplace accident.
Mike: What happened?
Mandy: I accidentally used my employee discount to buy a lot of cute clothes.
Mike: This isn't the right job for you.
Mandy: That's so weird. That's exactly what my manager said.

Vanessa: I don't like the idea of you guys posting stuff on the internet.
Eve: Mom, come on. If Mandy's spreading something viral, you better pray it's on the internet.

Ed: You're head of marketing and that includes handling talent.
Mike: Since when?
Ed: Since I found out how loud he is in real life.

[first lines]
Eve: Morning, Baxters.
Mike: Morning.
Vanessa: Hey, honey, how'd you sleep?
Eve: Sleep? Who could sleep with this crushing national debt hanging over our heads?
Vanessa: Wow! It's so you're just becoming the same person.
Mike: Great, isn't it?

Mandy: Well, Kyle is basically family. I mean, he thinks of dad as a father. Which makes me and Kyle... okay, went down a blind alley there.

Kristin: The entire kitchen staff is freaking out - and they have knives!

Ed: Everything okay?
Mike: Nah. They're baby-proofing my house 'cause of Boyd. I think somebody trimmed my fingernails while I was sleeping.
Ed: Well, they should have painted them pink, too, because you're living like a lady.
Mike: Come on. Don't start.
Ed: Ah, it's too late. I've started.

Kyle: It's like we live in this world full of beauty and wonder. Without her, it would be empty. When I make her smile and she's happy, that's when I know why I was put here.

Mike: This is really about Eve. You know, she reposts some of these vlogs at school, and it looks like she's getting in trouble.
Ed: I know. I follow her on Facebook.
[Mike reacts with a quizzical look]
Ed: The kids have been pretty hard on her, especially Mandy.
Mike: These kids are into big government. No surprise. Teenagers are used to spending other people's money.
Ed: What do kids that age know? They're just parroting the stuff they learned at home, just like Eve probably does with you.
Mike: No, no, no, no. Eve's different. She's an independent thinker. She comes to her own conclusions... that everything I say is right.

Eve: That's right people, Mandy's working the pole, I think we all saw this day coming

Vanessa: Can you drive Eve to soccer?
Mike: [scoffing] Soccer. That's just Europe's covert war for the hearts and minds of America's kids.
Eve: We're scrimmaging the boys to make us tougher.
Mike: Well, the boys aren't that tough. I've seen them play. Running around, getting hair gel in their eyes, run into the goalpost, and they cry.
Vanessa: Why are you watching the young boys play soccer?
Mike: I'm pretty sure I just explained why.

Mandy: Where was his catalog shoot this time? Peru? Portugal? Something with a "P".
Eve: Yeah, Alaska, with a "P."
Vanessa: He said he was bringing dinner home.
Kristin: Oh, good. We're starving.
Mike: [entering with a giant fish in hand] I'm back!

[last lines]
Vanessa: [reading in bed] Honey, that was really nice of you to give Ryan a job.
Mike: [walking out of bathroom] Well, it's the night shift. I'm just doing my part to make sure the grandchild population stays at one.
Vanessa: Yep, good night.
[turns off lamp]
Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not done here.
Vanessa: We're not?
Mike: Don't I get a reward for being such a nice guy?
[climbing into bed]
Vanessa: [smiling] Yeah, well, as long as nice guys don't finish first.
Mike: You can consider that a compliment.
Eve: [appearing from behind the window curtain] Oh god, I can't take it anymore.
[hurries towards door, stops to throw chip clips into wastebasket]
Eve: I quit. I quit, you win. Why did I think this was a safe place to hide?
[closes door behind her]
Mike: I *knew* that'd flush her out. Good night, Babe.
[turns off lamp]

Mandy: Dad said it would take a while for my rich customers to find me.
Eve: Probably busy on their yachts and stuff.

Eve: Mandy, you're getting glitter on my soccer ball.
Mandy: Oh, well, now it's a disco ball.
[singsong]
Mandy: You're welcome!
Kristin: Oh, look, Boyd drew a rocket. Or a... wiener. You know what? Let's go with rocket.

Mike: Why do I smell French fries?
Kristin: Oh, that's the diner. I always smell like work.
Mike: Well, thank god you don't work for a plumber.

Vanessa: You know what, honey, Hillary Clinton was a Goldwater girl in 1964.
Mike: So. Satan used to work for God. What's your point?

[last lines]
Mike: Listen up. Before we get started, I just want to say, whether you've been in America for hundreds of years like your families
[gestures toward Robertsons]
Mike: or an American for just two days,
[pats Blanca on the shoulder]
Mike: I feel blessed to be sharing this country will all of you. Want to do the honors?
[gestures to Brody]
Brody: Sure. Let's pray. Lord our God is one God. We pray that we love you with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and we pray that we love our neighbor as ourself. There is no greater commandment than this. Amen.
Mike: Amen.
Mike: All right.

Ryan: That God is watching over us garbage
Mike: You mean the basis of Western civilization,that garbage?

Boyd: Grandpa, this is due on Monday.
Mike: Alright, calm down. Let's do your little report. Um, what am I thankful for? I'm thankful for radio, specifically ham radio. Ham radio is heavily regulated by the FCC, the same people who censor network television, but not cable, so drug dealers and murderers become our heroes. They don't only censor, they regulate my ham radio. They require me to have a license, tests, and if they don't like what I have to say they can fine me or lock me up. What a great way to treat the last line of communication during the coming apocalypse. Why does the government choose to regulate free speech and ham radio, but anybody can operate, I don't know, a hemp outlet? So this Thanksgiving, while the rest of you are enjoying your turkey, I'm savoring my ham. Happy Thanksgiving FCC, cause I know you're listening.

Mike: What's the matter? I'm saying...
Mandy: No! You're just gonna say it's stupid.
Mike: Come on, give me a break. I'm your dad. What- what's going on?
Mandy: Travis said that "Glee" is dumb.
Mike: Oh, for crap's sake. Is that what's worrying you? Is that why you're crying?
[Mandy leaves, sobbing]
Mike: [to Eve] What's "Glee"?

[the family is watching footage of someone ringing the doorbell and running off]
Vanessa: It's just a person in a red hoodie.
Mandy: Was he also carrying a basket of goodies and and knocking on Grandma's door?
Eve: Wow! Look who remembered a book.

Vanessa: So, what happened again?
Mike: What aren't you getting here, honey? Our daughter thought I was a stalker, so she sprayed mace in my face, with... such speed and accuracy. I'm actually quite proud of you.

Mike: [to Ryan] Don't you want to lick your kid goodbye?

Mandy: Hey, you guys, check this out. Cogito ergo sum. I think therefor I am.
Mike: René Descartes.
Mandy: She was awesome. We learned about her in Philosophy, today. She was French so I don't really know why she was speaking Italian.
Mike: Uh, money well spent.
Vanessa: I think René Descartes was a monsieur.
Vanessa: Oh. Wow. Philosopher that gives massages. Cool, that's a real renaissance woman.

Ed: Catalog is done.
Mike: What, are you gonna phase it out?
Ed: Consider it phased.
Mike: After Costa Rica, we're done?
Ed: No Costa, no Rica. You're grounded. But I need your expertise on the website.
Mike: The website's terrible.
Ed: Oh, that's why I want you in charge of it. For us to have any future at all, we have to lure young men to our stuff.
Mike: Now you sound like my sisters talking.
Ed: Young people don't read catalogs anymore. They're online, so your job now is you gotta go get 'em. I need this company to be viable a hundred years from now so I'll have a place to come back to when they unfreeze my head.

Kyle: I'm trying to DVR my favorite show, but it's not on.
Vanessa: Oh. Well, maybe it got canceled. Yeah, the TV business can be a heartless bastard.
Kyle: Canceled? Why would they cancel a popular show that everybody loves?
Mike: Maybe they're a bunch of idiots! Just try another channel.
Vanessa: Oh, right. They don't just take a show off one network and put it on a different one.
Kyle: Hey! There it is! You were right, Mister B!
Mike: Am I wrong, or is it way better on this network?
Vanessa: Way better, way better! I'll be damned, I've never heard of this happening before!
Mike: Well, it's pretty rare, but the show must have a lot of loyal kick-ass fans.

Bud: How do you like my new attention getter?
Mike: Pretty good for a white guy.

Mike: [recording his vlog] Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. This Columbus Day you can discover America, even though Columbus never actually did. In 1492 he may have sailed the ocean blue, but the dude missed North America. He found Hispanola instead. And I don't mean the tapas restaurant on 18th Street. That place is a *real* discovery. Why do we have a parade for Columbus, the dude who got lost. Listen, I got lost in Ikea the other day. No parade. All I got was a bookcase for six bucks. We *should* be celebrating Leif Ericson, the viking who landed in Nova Scotia four hundred years before Columbus. There hasn't been a viking this underappreciated since Hagar the Horrible. I dare you to read that comic strip and not laugh. The real discoverer of Outdoor Man is Ed Alzate, Vietnam vet, sportsman, and small-business entrepreneur. Ed, come over here for a second. Come here. Listen to this.
Ed: What? What?
Mike: This dude is *our* Leif Ericson, the guy who blazed a trail but hardly ever gets credit. Without Ed none of this would be here and I would be a guy that just made some other store really famous and successful. In honor of our Leif Ericson, Ed Alzate, the Columbus Day Sale is now Viking Plunder and Pillage Sale, so come on down and... and bring your battleax... because we've got lots of gear for the wife, too. Whaddya say pal? Your very own day. That's gotta make you... hold on a second, brace yourselves, he's gonna smile.

[last lines]
Mike: [Vanessa walks in the front door] Hey babe. How was *your* day?
Vanessa: A-mazing.
Mike: Well, tell me, what's an amazing day in the world of a geologist? Did you find the rock that killed Goliath?
Vanessa: No, no, work was actually pretty dull, but something exciting did happen on the way home. I got pulled over again.
Mike: I'm sorry about that.
Vanessa: No, no, it's okay. Jay just gave me a warning. I'm just sayin', "Still got it."
Mike: Yeah, you still got it.
Vanessa: Yes, I do.

Ed: We're screwed!
Mike: Calm down, calm down.
Ed: No, no, not just a little screwed. I'm talking going through Turkish customs with a bag of heroin taped to your leg screwed.
Mike: Enough about your step-brother!

[first lines]
Eve: [bursting into the house in her ROTC uniform] Okay, so we just learned the coolest move in hand-to-hand combat training. Come on, Dad, take a swing at me.
Mike: Hmm. Ask your mom.
Vanessa: Mike, I'm not going to hit our daughter.
Mike: You're darn right you're not. You'd end up face down on the ground with a knee in your back.
Eve: Way to ruin the surprise, Dad.

[first lines]
Mike: Okay, what Supreme Court justice do we *want* to retire?
Boyd: Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Mike: Nice! And what are the five justices that we want to stay on forever?
Boyd: Don't tell me, I know this one...
Mike: I gave you a little hint, remember? The star method? S-T-A-R. Who are the *stars* of the Supreme Court?
Boyd: Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts.
Mike: Plus Kennedy, when he doesn't listen to the ladies. Which is a trick you'll learn when you get a little older.

Eve: Little girl? You're lucky this rifle has chained down or you'd be limping out of here carrying a concealed weapon.
Kyle: I don't understand.
Mandy: She's gonna put it up your butt.

Eve: Wait, no more Art
Carol: I'm afraid so honey
Eve: Yes I suck at Art, killing my GPA
Vanessa: That's selfish, see the bigger picture
Eve: As long as I don't have to draw it

Vanessa: [on Outdoor Man's Vlog] Come on down to Outdoor Man and get your husband off your back! And off your front.
[winks]
Mike: [turning off web cam] Are you crazy? You know our minister watches this?
Vanessa: Oh please, he has eight kids, he knows what I'm talking about.

Vanessa: Evie, I just got a weird text from Mandy. It says she's "slinging 'zas." What, is-is that code for something that makes me a bad mother?
Eve: No clue. I-I don't speak "Mandy".
Mike: It means I got her a job delivering pizzas.
Vanessa: To strangers?
Mike: [sarcastic] No, just to us.
Vanessa: I mean, isn't that dangerous? Why-why don't you just get her the graveyard shift at a liquor store?
Mike: 'Cause she's not old enough?

Ed: [Commenting on Kyle and Vanessa's crazy style of dancing] Looks like two dogs trying to get back in the boat.

Reverend: I've been praying on this. Then when Kyle preached, it felt like God saying "Here's your sign."

Mike: Hi there. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. America fought a war against taxation without representation, and we won. We got taxation *with* representation. What a booby prize *that* turned out to be. So, all this month, Outdoor Man is fighting back with our No Sales Tax Sale. Taxes, everywhere we turn another one jumps up to bite us. You drive over here to Outdoor Man and you're paying twenty-two cents per gallon in gasoline taxes. And in the gas tax there's another tax hiding called the Environmental Response Surcharge. It's not a surcharge. It's a tax. It's enough to make you start smokin' again. But, if you do that, you'll be coughing up an extra eighty-four cents a pack in taxes. Well, I'll need a drink after that. I wouldn't do that, you can't even wet your whistle without government wetting its beak... at sixty cents a liter. They even changed it to liter, so we don't know what that means. We need to stand up against the tyranny of high taxes and elect leaders who value free markets, free minds, and free people...
Eve: And free period after homeroom.
Mike: Which is why Outdoor Man is making its first *ever* political endorsement. Eve Baxter, right for Denver, right for America, and right for Woodbridge High student council.
Eve: Hello. I'm Eve baxter, and I approve this message.

Mike: I know what microaggressions are. It's the latest liberal attack on free speech, and a lot of fun if you do them right.