Top 30 Quotes From Eve Baxter

[first lines]
Mike: All right, quick review. Yellow light means?
Eve: Floor it.
Mike: Stop sign?
Eve: Look both ways for Johnny Law, then floor it.
Mike: Yield sign means?
Eve: Nothing to a Baxter.
Mike: [smiles]

Eve: This store isn't big enough for both of us.
Kyle: Fire code allows for 1200 people.

[first lines]
Mike: [from off screen] Hey Eve, can you come out an help me for a minute, please?
Eve: Okay.
[walks out into back yard]
Eve: Where *are* you? Dad? Da-ad, you out here?
[a nearby shrubbery reaches out and attaches a snack bag clip to the back of her camo shirt]
Eve: Hey! Dammit!
Mike: You have been clipped.
[makes gun gestures with his hands]
Eve: You're in a Ghillie suit. That's no fair.
Mike: This is a war game. What do you mean, "It's not fair"? Do you think the Taliban has chip clips? They don't have stuff like this. They *hate* us for our freshness.

[first lines]
Eve: [bursting into the house in her ROTC uniform] Okay, so we just learned the coolest move in hand-to-hand combat training. Come on, Dad, take a swing at me.
Mike: Hmm. Ask your mom.
Vanessa: Mike, I'm not going to hit our daughter.
Mike: You're darn right you're not. You'd end up face down on the ground with a knee in your back.
Eve: Way to ruin the surprise, Dad.

Eve: [to Vanessa] Something short and half naked ran downstairs, Mandy's here so I'm guessing it was Boyd

Kristin: We're taking Boyd out for frozen yogurt as an excuse to get frozen yogurt. You wanna come?
Vanessa: Nah, your dad's out, and I'm going to have a glass of wine and watch some trashy show that he would just ruin by shouting "That would never happen".
Eve: Yeah, try watching cartoons with him.

Eve: Stick around. You'll learn something about the world.
Mandy: I know all about the world. I was already in it while you were still busy ruining Mom's body.
Eve: Um, who's the Secretary of State?
Mandy: Uh, that's a trick question. Which state? See, you guys all watch the news and get all angry and stressed out. Pop quiz. Of everybody in this family, who's the happiest and the least stressed?
[noticing Eve looking at the dog]
Mandy: And you can't say, "The dog." Um huh, it's me. This face will never see a worry wrinkle, which would make me smile, but I'm not going to because duh... smile lines.
Eve: So your plan is to be clueless?
Mandy: Ignorance is bliss. Thomas Grey in his "Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College".
Eve: You get those "Quote of the Day" emails, dontcha?
Mandy: If you know the *right* things, you don't have to know everything. Oh, for instance, that whole like secretary thingy... they actually don't call them "secretary". They really prefer "flight attendant".

Vanessa: I don't like the idea of you guys posting stuff on the internet.
Eve: Mom, come on. If Mandy's spreading something viral, you better pray it's on the internet.

Eve: Later, 'rents.
Vanessa: Later, 'aughter.
Mike: Have fun at 'ool.

Vanessa: Can you drive Eve to soccer?
Mike: [scoffing] Soccer. That's just Europe's covert war for the hearts and minds of America's kids.
Eve: We're scrimmaging the boys to make us tougher.
Mike: Well, the boys aren't that tough. I've seen them play. Running around, getting hair gel in their eyes, run into the goalpost, and they cry.
Vanessa: Why are you watching the young boys play soccer?
Mike: I'm pretty sure I just explained why.

Mandy: Didn't we already see this episode?
Eve: It's the news, different every night
Mandy: Sad people, sad place, looks like a rerun to me

Eve: [to trick or treaters] You guys want something from Eve Baxter, you've got to work for it
Mike: Good call, try to remember that on Prom night

Vanessa: Evie, I just got a weird text from Mandy. It says she's "slinging 'zas." What, is-is that code for something that makes me a bad mother?
Eve: No clue. I-I don't speak "Mandy".
Mike: It means I got her a job delivering pizzas.
Vanessa: To strangers?
Mike: [sarcastic] No, just to us.
Vanessa: I mean, isn't that dangerous? Why-why don't you just get her the graveyard shift at a liquor store?
Mike: 'Cause she's not old enough?

Eve: Mandy, you're getting glitter on my soccer ball.
Mandy: Oh, well, now it's a disco ball.
[singsong]
Mandy: You're welcome!
Kristin: Oh, look, Boyd drew a rocket. Or a... wiener. You know what? Let's go with rocket.

Eve: Hey, look! It's Kenny from South Park!

Eve: Wait, no more Art
Carol: I'm afraid so honey
Eve: Yes I suck at Art, killing my GPA
Vanessa: That's selfish, see the bigger picture
Eve: As long as I don't have to draw it

Eve: Little girl? You're lucky this rifle has chained down or you'd be limping out of here carrying a concealed weapon.
Kyle: I don't understand.
Mandy: She's gonna put it up your butt.

Mandy: Where was his catalog shoot this time? Peru? Portugal? Something with a "P".
Eve: Yeah, Alaska, with a "P."
Vanessa: He said he was bringing dinner home.
Kristin: Oh, good. We're starving.
Mike: [entering with a giant fish in hand] I'm back!

[School bell rings]
Eve: Oh my god! Look everyone!
Mandy: Ohh!
Eve: It's Kenny from South Park! Wow! Wait a minute
[Takes off Mandy's sunglasses]
Eve: It's Mandy Baxter.
Mandy: Ahh. No.
Eve: So this is what she really looks like.
Mandy: No, it's - it's not me! It's not Mandy Baxter, okay?
[Walking away]
Mandy: It's an ugly exchange student from Spain! Bonjour!

Mike: Hey, Eve, would you give me the ketchup...
Eve: Not talking to you.
Mike: Kristin, does Boyd want a hot dog, or do you have some soy thing on a stick in your purse?
[Kristin ignores him]
Mike: Okay, I get it. Nobody's talking to me.
Mandy: I'm talking to you, dad.
Mike: That makes me nervous.

[the family is watching footage of someone ringing the doorbell and running off]
Vanessa: It's just a person in a red hoodie.
Mandy: Was he also carrying a basket of goodies and and knocking on Grandma's door?
Eve: Wow! Look who remembered a book.

Eve: That's right people, Mandy's working the pole, I think we all saw this day coming

Vanessa: Uh, Eve, what happened to your lip?
Eve: Oh, uh, I got into a little scrap with Richie Hayden.
Vanessa: What?
Eve: Yeah, um, I know as a joke people like to say how you should see the other guy, but seriously, you should see the other guy.

Eve: Mandy just called me mean.
Mandy: Eve called Kyle a loser.
Mike: I think you're both really onto something.

Eve: Well, we have to move!
Vanessa: What happened?
Eve: Dad! He told me that boys would like me more if I played aggressive. I sprained Victor Blake's ankle, and now they call me "Queen Kong."
[Mike enters the house behind her]
Eve: I'm going to pack! Ugh!
Mike: [seeing Vanessa's expression] I can explain. We might have to move.

[last lines]
Eve: [reading the newspaper] Why can't the people in the Middle East keep it together?
Mandy: [reading a celeb gossip magazine] Why can't Taylor Swift hold onto a boyfriend?
Eve: Why can't North Korea join the rest of the world community?
Mandy: Why can't Courteney Cox join the Friends cast reunion?
Eve: Why can't Putin keep his shirt on?
Mandy: Why can't Channing Tatum keep *his* shirt on?
[Eve glances over at Mandy's magazine]
Mandy: Ah, ah, ah, ah,
[covering the pages with her hands]
Mandy: who know what's really important?
Eve: You do.
[reaches for the magazine]
Eve: Give me that.

Eve: So, I guess someone is just gonna have to die before I can sit at the big table?
Mike: Ryan's in the den by himself. How bad do you want it?

[last lines]
Mike: Listen up. Before we get started, I just want to say, whether you've been in America for hundreds of years like your families
[gestures toward Robertsons]
Mike: or an American for just two days,
[pats Blanca on the shoulder]
Mike: I feel blessed to be sharing this country will all of you. Want to do the honors?
[gestures to Brody]
Brody: Sure. Let's pray. Lord our God is one God. We pray that we love you with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and we pray that we love our neighbor as ourself. There is no greater commandment than this. Amen.
Mike: Amen.
Mike: All right.

Boyd: I didn't know he was magical?
Eve: So was Chucky, that didn't end well.

Mandy: I still don't get why I have to have a job. it's so unfair!
Vanessa: Oh, you're gonna be selling clothes. You love clothes, and you get to work at the mall. You love the mall.
Eve: I think it's good you're getting a job. You treat dad like an ATM.
Mike: Yes, and I'm not an ATM. You know how I know? I only speak English.
Eve: [laughing, she and Mike high-five] That's a good one, dad.
Mike: Ah, here's $20.
Mandy: Whoa. Hey, why doesn't she have to work?
Eve: 'Cause I don't need money. I've got everything I want.
[handing the bill back to Mike]
Eve: In fact, here, dad.
Mike: I insist.
Eve: Wouldn't even know what to do with it.
Mandy: [storming out in frustration] Ugh!
Eve: I'll take that 20 now.
Mike: You earned it.