Top 30 Quotes From Mandy Baxter

Mandy: Kyle, you think I love you because you're good at some game? I'm not shallow like that. I love you because you're hot.

Mandy: So can I have $20, or...
Mike: $20 for a cup of coffee?
Mandy: I'm a huge tipper. It's kind of my thing. I-I just feel so sorry for anybody that has to wear an apron.
Vanessa: You ask me why I put rum in here? This is why.

Mike: Hey, Eve, would you give me the ketchup...
Eve: Not talking to you.
Mike: Kristin, does Boyd want a hot dog, or do you have some soy thing on a stick in your purse?
[Kristin ignores him]
Mike: Okay, I get it. Nobody's talking to me.
Mandy: I'm talking to you, dad.
Mike: That makes me nervous.

Mandy: Will you go pick up Travis, please?
Mike: You can pick him up.
Mandy: Really?
Mike: Yeah, if you can just figure out how to change a tire.
[Mandy turns to leave]
Mike: So sad.
Mandy: I'm living with Lord Voldemort!
Mike: I don't know who that is, but he sounds like a very caring father.

Mike: [seeing Mandy crying] Now what's wrong?
Eve: Dad, no. It's gonna be boring.
Mandy: I just... I really needed mom's advice.
Mike: Well, I'm here. You can have dad's advice.
Mandy: No, I need good advice.
Mike: I gave your older sister plenty of advice when she was a teenager. What's up?
Mandy: Oh, yeah. Is that when she got the tattoo or when she came home from her prom pregnant?
Mike: She has a tattoo?
Eve: I think it's called a tramp stamp.
Mike: Yeah, thank god. She doesn't have a tattoo. She has a-a tramp stamp.

Mandy: [to Kristin] I suppose you have never seen Ryan dance before. If you had, then I wouldn't have a nephew.

Mike: If you want money, maybe you should do what other people do.
Mandy: Get my own reality show. Dad, I'm trying.
Mike: How about a part-time job?
Mandy: [laughing] Job. Come on.
[she stops]
Mandy: Oh, my god. Are we poor?
Mike: You are.
[indicating himself and Vanessa]
Mike: We're doing very well.

Eve: Little girl? You're lucky this rifle has chained down or you'd be limping out of here carrying a concealed weapon.
Kyle: I don't understand.
Mandy: She's gonna put it up your butt.

Eve: Mandy, you're getting glitter on my soccer ball.
Mandy: Oh, well, now it's a disco ball.
[singsong]
Mandy: You're welcome!
Kristin: Oh, look, Boyd drew a rocket. Or a... wiener. You know what? Let's go with rocket.

Mandy: Wait a sec. Eve's in the paper, Dad's in a magazine. Sorry, did this whole family get a publicist and not tell me?
Eve: You don't need a publicist. Aren't you mentioned in a lot of limericks?
Mandy: Joke's on you. I don't know what a limerick is.

Bud: Hey, hang on, I haven't said hello to your beautiful bride...
Vanessa: Hi.
Bud: [hugs Vanessa] and to my *smart* granddaughter
[hugs Eve]
Bud: and to my...
Mandy: Even smarter, more beautiful granddaughter?
Bud: Sure.
[hugs Mandy]

Eve: [commenting on Mandy's unusual attire] Oh my god, what... what is this?
Mandy: I went to a hoe-down.
Eve: Well, they're down a ho, now that you left.

[School bell rings]
Eve: Oh my god! Look everyone!
Mandy: Ohh!
Eve: It's Kenny from South Park! Wow! Wait a minute
[Takes off Mandy's sunglasses]
Eve: It's Mandy Baxter.
Mandy: Ahh. No.
Eve: So this is what she really looks like.
Mandy: No, it's - it's not me! It's not Mandy Baxter, okay?
[Walking away]
Mandy: It's an ugly exchange student from Spain! Bonjour!

Mandy: Well, Kyle is basically family. I mean, he thinks of dad as a father. Which makes me and Kyle... okay, went down a blind alley there.

[Vanessa brings up that the neighborhood meeting is on a school night]
Mandy: Oh my god!
Vanessa: What?
Mandy: Never mind.
Mandy: [whispering to Kristin] I didn't go to school today.

Mandy: Where was his catalog shoot this time? Peru? Portugal? Something with a "P".
Eve: Yeah, Alaska, with a "P."
Vanessa: He said he was bringing dinner home.
Kristin: Oh, good. We're starving.
Mike: [entering with a giant fish in hand] I'm back!

Mandy: After Eve interrupts a phone conversation between Mandy and Kyle to apologize for earlier actions that hurt Mandy, telling Mandy that she's sorry and she loves her, and then leaves the room, Mandy tells Kyle "I'm not sure but I think Eve is dying."

Mandy: Raise my prices? How would you do that?
[Mike turns the laptop towards her]
Mike: Make the numbers bigger.

Mandy: [to Kyle] I don't care if you win or lose as long as Eve loses, please make that happen.

Eve: Stick around. You'll learn something about the world.
Mandy: I know all about the world. I was already in it while you were still busy ruining Mom's body.
Eve: Um, who's the Secretary of State?
Mandy: Uh, that's a trick question. Which state? See, you guys all watch the news and get all angry and stressed out. Pop quiz. Of everybody in this family, who's the happiest and the least stressed?
[noticing Eve looking at the dog]
Mandy: And you can't say, "The dog." Um huh, it's me. This face will never see a worry wrinkle, which would make me smile, but I'm not going to because duh... smile lines.
Eve: So your plan is to be clueless?
Mandy: Ignorance is bliss. Thomas Grey in his "Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College".
Eve: You get those "Quote of the Day" emails, dontcha?
Mandy: If you know the *right* things, you don't have to know everything. Oh, for instance, that whole like secretary thingy... they actually don't call them "secretary". They really prefer "flight attendant".

[the family is watching footage of someone ringing the doorbell and running off]
Vanessa: It's just a person in a red hoodie.
Mandy: Was he also carrying a basket of goodies and and knocking on Grandma's door?
Eve: Wow! Look who remembered a book.

Mike: Acne's not contagious.
Mandy: I don't know that, kids at school stayed away from them, treated them like leopards.
Vanessa: I think you mean leper.
Mandy: The D's silent, I didn't know that.

Mike: What's the matter? I'm saying...
Mandy: No! You're just gonna say it's stupid.
Mike: Come on, give me a break. I'm your dad. What- what's going on?
Mandy: Travis said that "Glee" is dumb.
Mike: Oh, for crap's sake. Is that what's worrying you? Is that why you're crying?
[Mandy leaves, sobbing]
Mike: [to Eve] What's "Glee"?

Mandy: I'm meeting Travis at the mall. Can I have some money for Java Jimmy's?
Mike: Coffee? We got coffee right here. French press. Here.
[handing her his mug]
Mike: Taste Colombia's second-largest cash crop.
Mandy: [taking a sip, she spits it out and dumps the rest into a flower pot] Ugh! God, that's horrible.
Vanessa: Hey!
Mandy: No. No.
Mike: That was my coffee.

Mike: Honey, I-I don't think you're ever gonna be able to rely on this Travis guy, and I'm also gonna ground you 'till you can figure out how to change a tire.
Mandy: [running out] That's so unfair!
Mike: Who ever said life was supposed to be fair? I'm just doing this so you don't have to depend on a man.
Kristin: Um, I thought your argument with me was that I needed a man.
Mike: [stammering] Just concern yourself with this area over here.

Mandy: I can't answer that question
Eve: Millionth time you've said that in a classroom, surprised the roof didn't fall down

Eve: Joe Biden wishes *his* bunker was as nice as ours. That's the vice president, Mandy.
Mandy: I know who Joe Biden is, okay? He's Barack Obama's Gayle.

Ed: I could sell rice to an eskimo
Mandy: Don't you mean sell ice to an eskimo?
Ed: Why would they need ice? It's all around.

Mandy: Hey, you guys, check this out. Cogito ergo sum. I think therefor I am.
Mike: René Descartes.
Mandy: She was awesome. We learned about her in Philosophy, today. She was French so I don't really know why she was speaking Italian.
Mike: Uh, money well spent.
Vanessa: I think René Descartes was a monsieur.
Vanessa: Oh. Wow. Philosopher that gives massages. Cool, that's a real renaissance woman.

[last lines]
Mike: Listen up. Before we get started, I just want to say, whether you've been in America for hundreds of years like your families
[gestures toward Robertsons]
Mike: or an American for just two days,
[pats Blanca on the shoulder]
Mike: I feel blessed to be sharing this country will all of you. Want to do the honors?
[gestures to Brody]
Brody: Sure. Let's pray. Lord our God is one God. We pray that we love you with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and we pray that we love our neighbor as ourself. There is no greater commandment than this. Amen.
Mike: Amen.
Mike: All right.