20 Best Ed Alzate Quotes

Ed: [About a tent] You can set it up in 30 seconds flat
[it deflates]
Ed: take it down even faster.

Ed: We're screwed!
Mike: Calm down, calm down.
Ed: No, no, not just a little screwed. I'm talking going through Turkish customs with a bag of heroin taped to your leg screwed.
Mike: Enough about your step-brother!

Ed: Catalog is done.
Mike: What, are you gonna phase it out?
Ed: Consider it phased.
Mike: After Costa Rica, we're done?
Ed: No Costa, no Rica. You're grounded. But I need your expertise on the website.
Mike: The website's terrible.
Ed: Oh, that's why I want you in charge of it. For us to have any future at all, we have to lure young men to our stuff.
Mike: Now you sound like my sisters talking.
Ed: Young people don't read catalogs anymore. They're online, so your job now is you gotta go get 'em. I need this company to be viable a hundred years from now so I'll have a place to come back to when they unfreeze my head.

Ed: I could sell rice to an eskimo
Mandy: Don't you mean sell ice to an eskimo?
Ed: Why would they need ice? It's all around.

Ed: So now you're down on your quarterback. Even though he and Mandy have a date tonight.
Mike: How do you know that?
Ed: Mandy and I are Facebook pals. I asked her to be my friend, she said yes. We call it friending.
Mike: You should call it frightening.
Ed: Mandy has thousands of friends on the world wide web.
Mike: And as a parent, you're always going to be frightened that one of them is a weird, old man.

Ed: This weekend, we're going to escape to nature as we defeat Ted's Tackle Box in the Grudge Cup.
Mike: I wish it was that easy.
Ed: It will be, 'cause I hired a new fork-lift guy who's a master marksman. He can shoot a nut out of a squirrel's paw at 400 yards.
Mike: Can he operate the fork lift?
Ed: Who cares? After we win, I'm gonna fire him.
Mike: So let me get this straight: you hired a strange guy who's a sniper, and you're gonna fire him.
Ed: I might not have thought this all the way through.

Ed: You're head of marketing and that includes handling talent.
Mike: Since when?
Ed: Since I found out how loud he is in real life.

Mike: Everybody gives these athletes a lot of slack. It doesn't do them any good. I mean 99% of these kids will never play for a pro team, or even the Cleveland Browns.
Ed: Don't knock the Browns, Mike. If it weren't for them, the Bengals fans wouldn't have anyone to make fun of.

Kyle: Mr. Alzate?
Ed: Yeah.
Kyle: I do believe, one day, that I'll be in heaven. But I don't see how it could be heaven unless you're there, too.
[beat]
Kyle: You salty son of a bitch.

Ed: Everything okay?
Mike: Nah. They're baby-proofing my house 'cause of Boyd. I think somebody trimmed my fingernails while I was sleeping.
Ed: Well, they should have painted them pink, too, because you're living like a lady.
Mike: Come on. Don't start.
Ed: Ah, it's too late. I've started.

Customer: I usually camp on my own.
Ed: Sorry we're fresh out of loser tents.

Kyle: I'm starting to think you're only keeping me around for these humiliating jobs.
Mike: Ed, Ed, Ed, this is the kind of stuff you get sued for, Ed.
Ed: Come on, Mike. You know, hazing the new guy is a male rite of passage. Now, when I was a grunt in the service, they tied me to a tree with a garden hose.
Mike: Big deal.
Ed: The tree was on fire. They put it out with urine.

Ed: With this water purifier they can drink their own pee.
Mike: Or river water, or lake water. But by all means, use the pee as a selling point.

Ed: If you want respect, go be the Queen of England.

Ed: How is Mike pretending to be angry, scary, and unstable good for our website?
Kyle: We've gotten tons of hits. Hits are good.
Ed: I know hits are good, you jackwang. I'm not a thousand years old.
Kyle: It's gone viral. Our web traffic is way up.
Ed: Well... looks like this company has finally entered the 20th century, huh?
Kyle: But it's the 21st century, sir.
Ed: One step at a time, Kyle.

[last lines]
Ed: We should do this again in twenty-five years, huh?
Mike: Twenty-five years. Kinda wishful thinking on your part.

Ed: This new tracking device is great. It pinpoints your hunting dog's position and speed every five seconds. Look, the little bugger's moving pretty fast through the brush out back. Look at that. Look at that.
Mike: Whose dog is that? And why is it coming in the building?
Ed: Oh, yeah, you'll soon see he should be coming through that door in three, two, and...
[Mike groans as Kyle runs in with a collar around his neck]

Ed: Just got a call from corporate today. They wanna shut down the catalog.
Mike: Corporate? You own the company.
Ed: Well, it was worth a shot. What the hell.
Mike: Wait, what are you talking about? Our catalog was voted Best Catalog by Catalog Magazine.

Mike: This is really about Eve. You know, she reposts some of these vlogs at school, and it looks like she's getting in trouble.
Ed: I know. I follow her on Facebook.
[Mike reacts with a quizzical look]
Ed: The kids have been pretty hard on her, especially Mandy.
Mike: These kids are into big government. No surprise. Teenagers are used to spending other people's money.
Ed: What do kids that age know? They're just parroting the stuff they learned at home, just like Eve probably does with you.
Mike: No, no, no, no. Eve's different. She's an independent thinker. She comes to her own conclusions... that everything I say is right.

Ed: [Commenting on Kyle and Vanessa's crazy style of dancing] Looks like two dogs trying to get back in the boat.