The Best Kyle Anderson Quotes

Kyle: I'm starting to think you're only keeping me around for these humiliating jobs.
Mike: Ed, Ed, Ed, this is the kind of stuff you get sued for, Ed.
Ed: Come on, Mike. You know, hazing the new guy is a male rite of passage. Now, when I was a grunt in the service, they tied me to a tree with a garden hose.
Mike: Big deal.
Ed: The tree was on fire. They put it out with urine.

Ed: How is Mike pretending to be angry, scary, and unstable good for our website?
Kyle: We've gotten tons of hits. Hits are good.
Ed: I know hits are good, you jackwang. I'm not a thousand years old.
Kyle: It's gone viral. Our web traffic is way up.
Ed: Well... looks like this company has finally entered the 20th century, huh?
Kyle: But it's the 21st century, sir.
Ed: One step at a time, Kyle.

Kyle: Ya know, you gotta give it up for Columbus. Discoverin' the new world.
Mike: Well, I'll give him this, he's a good salesman.
Kyle: I think you mean *sailor*.
Mike: No, I mean salesman. He was an Italian, got the Spanish to pay for three trips to India, which he never found. That's a good salesman.

Brody: Kyle, look, before Baxter's daughter shorted all your wires out, what gave your life meaning?
Kyle: I dunno, I guess I always found meaning in what I learned at Sunday School.
Brody: That's it! Like Mark 12:31, "Love your neighbor as yourself".
Kyle: Yeah, that's a good one.
Uncle: Mark had better neighbors than me.
Brody: *I'm* your neighbor.
Uncle: Hey, you're makin' my point.

Kyle: It's like we live in this world full of beauty and wonder. Without her, it would be empty. When I make her smile and she's happy, that's when I know why I was put here.

[last lines]
Mike: Listen up. Before we get started, I just want to say, whether you've been in America for hundreds of years like your families
[gestures toward Robertsons]
Mike: or an American for just two days,
[pats Blanca on the shoulder]
Mike: I feel blessed to be sharing this country will all of you. Want to do the honors?
[gestures to Brody]
Brody: Sure. Let's pray. Lord our God is one God. We pray that we love you with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and we pray that we love our neighbor as ourself. There is no greater commandment than this. Amen.
Mike: Amen.
Mike: All right.

Kyle: I've always thought honesty is the best policy. Although Outdoor Man's return policy is a close second.

Eve: Little girl? You're lucky this rifle has chained down or you'd be limping out of here carrying a concealed weapon.
Kyle: I don't understand.
Mandy: She's gonna put it up your butt.

Kyle: Hi. You must be Mr. B's daughter.
Kristin: Okay. And who are you?
Kyle: I'm Kyle. Your dad wanted us to meet?
Kristin: Oh, god. Did he tell you that I needed a man?
Kyle: Pretty much.
Kristin: Great. Well, did he also tell you that I need help because I'm a single mom?
Kyle: Um...
Kristin: I'm guessing not by that dumbfounded look on your face.
Kyle: Oh, no, this is just my face.

Kyle: Mr. Alzate?
Ed: Yeah.
Kyle: I do believe, one day, that I'll be in heaven. But I don't see how it could be heaven unless you're there, too.
[beat]
Kyle: You salty son of a bitch.

Kyle: I'm trying to DVR my favorite show, but it's not on.
Vanessa: Oh. Well, maybe it got canceled. Yeah, the TV business can be a heartless bastard.
Kyle: Canceled? Why would they cancel a popular show that everybody loves?
Mike: Maybe they're a bunch of idiots! Just try another channel.
Vanessa: Oh, right. They don't just take a show off one network and put it on a different one.
Kyle: Hey! There it is! You were right, Mister B!
Mike: Am I wrong, or is it way better on this network?
Vanessa: Way better, way better! I'll be damned, I've never heard of this happening before!
Mike: Well, it's pretty rare, but the show must have a lot of loyal kick-ass fans.

Mike: Hey Kyle, do you have a man cave?
Kyle: My van. One place where people aren't all up in my business. You have no idea how tiring it is.'Kyle, do this.' 'Kyle, do that.' 'Kyle, for God's sake, get your act together.'
Mike: I don't do that.
Kyle: Your daughter does.

Eve: This store isn't big enough for both of us.
Kyle: Fire code allows for 1200 people.

Kyle: Maybe I can just hang here in class with you?
Mandy: Okay, I guess. Are you sure you won't be bored?
Kyle: Are you kidding me? I love astronomy. Have you got into Capricorns yet?
Mandy: Oh, this is *Intro* to Astronomy. I'm pretty sure they get to horoscopes *next* semester.
Kyle: It's a good thing Capricorns are able to deal with crushing disappointment.