The Best Kristin Baxter Quotes

Kyle: Hi. You must be Mr. B's daughter.
Kristin: Okay. And who are you?
Kyle: I'm Kyle. Your dad wanted us to meet?
Kristin: Oh, god. Did he tell you that I needed a man?
Kyle: Pretty much.
Kristin: Great. Well, did he also tell you that I need help because I'm a single mom?
Kyle: Um...
Kristin: I'm guessing not by that dumbfounded look on your face.
Kyle: Oh, no, this is just my face.

Mike: You know who should take Boyd to day care? Is that deadbeat, no-good father of his.
Kristin: Yeah, dad. We've been over this, really. I'm doing fine. I know this might be hard for you to believe because you're so old school, but I do not need a man.
Mike: Well, you got a baby, so you needed a man once.
Kristin: Ew! All right, I will take Boyd to day care, but I just hope my being late does not cause the Great Bacon Riot of 2011.
Mike: I like bacon.

Kristin: Dad, where's Boyd?
Mike: Uh, he's napping. He got into the energy bars at work. He ran around until he passed out.
Kristin: So... instead of taking him to day care, you took him to the blow dart and shotgun emporium?
Mike: He wasn't around anything dangerous, okay? And I can't say the same had I left him at Hippie Hippie Rainbow.
Kristin: Bruce teaches sensitivity and tolerance.
Mike: I just don't think your kid should go to that school. You know how that ends up.
Kristin: Hmm?
Mike: Boyd dancing on a float.
[he pantomimes]
Kristin: And what would be so wrong with that?
Mike: Then only time men should be dancing is when other men are shootin' at their feet.
Kristin: Are you gonna meddle up until the day you die?
Mike: And beyond. I have a very specific will.

Eve: Mandy, you're getting glitter on my soccer ball.
Mandy: Oh, well, now it's a disco ball.
[singsong]
Mandy: You're welcome!
Kristin: Oh, look, Boyd drew a rocket. Or a... wiener. You know what? Let's go with rocket.

Mike: Why is there a van out front that says "Safe Havens"? Are we having an intervention?
Vanessa: [sarcastic] You got me. I turned your office into a meth lab.
Kristin: It's the baby-proofing guy. He's here for a consultation.
Mike: I know who it is. It's that huckster from TV.
Vanessa: [indicating he's in the other room] Shh! He's...
Mike: I can't believe you'd invite him over here without asking me.
Kristin: I made the appointment. And I brought home pie.
Mike: You can't distract me with a... a very warm, delicious-looking pie.

Mandy: Where was his catalog shoot this time? Peru? Portugal? Something with a "P".
Eve: Yeah, Alaska, with a "P."
Vanessa: He said he was bringing dinner home.
Kristin: Oh, good. We're starving.
Mike: [entering with a giant fish in hand] I'm back!

Kristin: We're taking Boyd out for frozen yogurt as an excuse to get frozen yogurt. You wanna come?
Vanessa: Nah, your dad's out, and I'm going to have a glass of wine and watch some trashy show that he would just ruin by shouting "That would never happen".
Eve: Yeah, try watching cartoons with him.

Kristin: Hey, mom, can you take Boyd to day care? I can't be late to the diner. It's our salute to bacon week, and I am the only person who knows how to work the defibrillator.
Vanessa: I'm running late. Ask your dad.
Kristin: Oh, not dad. Boyd only knows, like, six words, and half of them are "I blame Obamacare!". He's a bad influence.
Mike: You know, he's standing right here.
Vanessa: He does his best.
Mike: Literally, I'm standing right here.

Mike: Honey, I-I don't think you're ever gonna be able to rely on this Travis guy, and I'm also gonna ground you 'till you can figure out how to change a tire.
Mandy: [running out] That's so unfair!
Mike: Who ever said life was supposed to be fair? I'm just doing this so you don't have to depend on a man.
Kristin: Um, I thought your argument with me was that I needed a man.
Mike: [stammering] Just concern yourself with this area over here.

Mike: Why do I smell French fries?
Kristin: Oh, that's the diner. I always smell like work.
Mike: Well, thank god you don't work for a plumber.

Vanessa: How's work?
Kristin: Oh, they're adding all you can eat sausage to the mix tomorrow. It's gonna be mayhem.
Vanessa: [sympathetically] Mm.
Mike: I love sausage.
Vanessa: Your dad can drive Boyd to day care.
Mike: There's no car seat in the truck.
Vanessa: Well, I will take the truck. You can take the minivan.
Mike: [he laughs] You'll take the truck. I'll drive the minivan. You're not kidding right now, are you?
Vanessa: No, I'm not.

Vanessa: The point is, we need to decide things together.
Mike: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: And we went a little nuts with the whole baby-proofing thing. So, uh, if you're on board, I think we should just dial it back.
Mike: What about Kristin?
[off-screen, there's a loud rattling and banging]
Kristin: Ugh! Mother-father! Nothing opens around here!
Vanessa: I think she'll be okay with it.