Top 50 Quotes From Lois Wilkerson

Lois: Do you remember some times in the morning I'd forget to put juice in your lunchbox? I was lucky I could remember my own name, because when your father gets down to work and is intimate with me, he is like a skilled general invading a country. He doesn't just launch an assault be sea, he uses paratroopers and columns of infantry and even secret agents.
[Francis pukes]

[Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]
Lois: It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the Sex has been interesting.
[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to pour in some tooth paste on his to his tooth brush to brush his teeth. He raises his brush to do so and she walks into the master bedroom]
Lois: But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the cowards way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.
[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]
Lois: Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.
[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]
Lois: Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.
[she leaves disgusted]

Lois: I am not canceling Christmas, I'm just holding it hostage.

Phil: Ok Lois here's your question if you're ready, how has motherhood kept you young?
Lois: [Lois thinks for a moment] I'm sorry but I have a problem with the question. Motherhood definitely does a lot of things but one thing it does not do is keep you young, oh my god it ages you horribly. Youth is about having choices but once you're a mother you have no choices you're stuck loving your children. You get grey hair loving them, you lose sleep loving them, you lose out on all those other things that you always thought you'd do. But even with all of that the amazing thing is... you're ok with it, it's like some wonderful... curse.
[Phil Laughs before applauding with the rest of the judges applauding shortly afterwards]

Lois: Dewey, I need to talk to Francis.
Dewey: He can't come to the phone. He's in the bathroom.
Lois: Well, put Malcolm on the phone.
Dewey: He can't come to the phone. He's in the bathroom.
Lois: They're both in the bathroom? Dewey, what's going on?
Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom.

Lois: There are certain things that have to happen with my body at the end of the day. Certain events that have to transpire. And if they don't transpire, I end up with stomach cramps and I don't want it to happen two inches away from your nose.
Hal: That's your secret?
Lois: I know it's stupid and embarrassing and I want to be sexy for you, but after twenty years, I just have to have a break form clamping down and gritting my teeth all night.
Hal: Honey, I don't care about that and it's not a secret. The second you fall asleep, you let loose like a sailor.
Lois: What?
Hal: Oh yeah, it's like when they put the balloons away after the Thanksgiving parade.

Caroline: Could you, you know, maybe put a top on?
Lois: They're just boobs, lady, you see them in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.

Dewey: I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.
Lois: I know honey, you're a good boy. Stop playing with yourself.

Lois: [to Hal about Raduca] Did you see the way she talks to him? She has broken his spirit.
Hal: He's not our Reese anymore.
Lois: I know. It's fantastic.
Hal: Yeah.

Ed: Hi, Lois.
Lois: Look, Ed. It's 9:00. I'm a little busy right now.
Ed: Well, you see, there is the problem. It's 9:00 at night and I keep hearing screaming. Now this didn't sound like your normal screaming. It sounded more like killing screaming. Now, I'm not one to complain...
Lois: That's why we like you.
[shuts the front door in his face]

Hal: [Malcolm and Reese learn that murders took place in their house before they moved in, and Hal finds out that Lois knew all along] You knew we were buying a 'death house' and you didn't tell me?
Lois: I didn't tell you because I knew you'd have this reaction.
Hal: Well, of course I'd have this reaction. I don't like murder. Maybe that's something you should know about me.
Lois: Hal, it's always something with you. You passed on that one house because you thought the doorbell sounded gay. You can't have a perfect house.
Hal: It would be nice to have a murderless one.
Lois: Well, you should just drop it, because there's nothing we can do about it. Death and mold are two things you can expect to find in any house, and we are not moving.
Hal: [astonished] There's mold?

Lois: Fresh fruit? All-cotton underwear? A decent book? We don't sell this stuff!

Craig Feldspar: There's got to be some scenario where you can see us together, please! Anything!
Lois: Okay, this is the only universe this could possibly exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching myself on fire. There's no money for a nurse, the kids won't do it, and I'm asleep 22 hours a day. Then and only then maybe could we be together.
Craig Feldspar: It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

Hal: [to Lois] I have something to tell you.
Lois: Hal, it will have to wait. I wasted a half an hour getting Jamie to sleep. He kept crying because I wouldn't let him have the antifreeze bottle in bed with him.

Lois: You gave my son a live grenade? You brought live ammunition into this house? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE? ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?

Dewey: [arriving late for dinner] Sorry, I forgot how late it was.
Lois: Why are your fingernails clean? Did you clean your fingernails?
Dewey: [a bit glib] Thought I'd try it, turns out I like it. Makes me feel good about myself.
Lois: Well, that's enough of that. It's time for dinner.

Dewey: Mom, did you remember to buy the baking soda for my class project?
Lois: Ah, I forgot.
Dewey: What? I asked you like five times.
Lois: That I remember.
Dewey: My science partner's going to hate me. I was supposed to bring in the baking soda for a volcano. Now it's just going to be a mountain full of vinegar.
Lois: Just do what your brother did. Take the baby powder and blame the guy who brought the vinegar.

Hal: Malcolm, you wouldn't happen to know the life expectancy of a bee, would you?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Hal: Great. What's the point of hauling around that giant head of yours if you can't retain a few simple facts?
Lois: Hal, he gets enough pressure from school without his family piling on.
Malcolm: [to the camera] Did Mom just defend me? Wow, this vulnerability crap is more effective than I thought.

Lois: Well, after six months of scrimping and saving and going up to $28,000 in debt, we are now down to $26,000 in debt.
Hal: Look out, world. We're back.

Dewey: [duffel bag in hand] I'm all packed up.
Hal: Good for you. Are you going somewhere?
Lois: He's going to Francis's. Let's go over the rules again. When you are on the bus, what are you to do?
Dewey: Talk to no-one, don't let anyone sit next to me, try to look sickly and learning-impaired, cough every few minutes, and nose-picking's OK.
Lois: Encouraged! And what if you're on the bus for a few hours, and you have to go to the bathroom *really, really bad*?
Dewey: Still don't go.
Lois: That's my boy!

Lois: Sweetie, life does not give you a lot of chances to move up, even if you deserve it. Look at your dad and me.

Dewey: [Lois makes eye contact with Dewey] I think it's getting cold up here. I don't think we should do this anymore. I don't know who we think we're kidding We're not gonna be able to win this.
Reese: Dewey! Don't look into her eyes!
Dewey: Huh? What just happened?
Lois: Dammit.

Lois: You kids, you just take your legs for granted, you know, like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something: that is just wishful thinking. There's meningitis, there are car accidents, I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery, and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourselves around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that.

Lois: Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch, the other one can have, eh... I don't know, I think they're peas.

Hal: Okay, I'm going over to Dave and Tina's. Everything okay in here?
Lois: We're fine.
Malcolm: Fizzazzine.
Lois: Fizzazzine. Feeling mizzazzuch bizzetter.
Hal: Are you taking your pills?
Lois: Gizzo awazzay.
Malcolm: Yeah, lizzeave us alazzone.
Hal: Okay, well... Gizzazzood bizzazzye.
Lois: What? Hal, you're not making any sense.
Malcolm: That's really weird, Dad.
Hal: Sorry. Feel better.

Malcolm: You know what? I'm glad, this is appropriate, now my life looks exactly how I feel. How could you screw me over like that?
Lois: Because you were gonna take that job and we are not gonna let you throw your life away.
Malcolm: How is being rich throwing my life away?
Lois: Because, it's not the life you're supposed to have, the life you're supposed to have is you go to harvard and you earn every fellowship and internship they have, you graduate first in your class and you start working in public service either district attorney or running some foundation and then you become governor of a mid-sized state and then you become president.
Malcolm: ...What?
Lois: Of the United States!
Malcolm: Dad!
Hal: I'm sorry son, It's true.
Francis: [Reese and Stewie nodding at Malcolm] Thought you knew.
Hal: Our expectations started much smaller but you just kept upping the ante.
Malcolm: What if I don't wanna be president?
Lois: It's too late for that, you're gonna do it.
Malcolm: Oh, really? have you decided my position on capital-gains tax cuts? What are my foreign policy objectives?
Lois: That doesn't matter, what does matter is that you'll be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us. We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I for one am sick of it. Now you are going to be president mister and that's the end of it.
Malcolm: Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and then bought my way into being president?
Lois: Of course it did, we decided against it.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Because then you wouldn't be a good president, you wouldn't have suffered enough.
Malcolm: I've been suffering all my life!
Lois: I'm sorry ,it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard, now you're gonna know what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you, and it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't and then it'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world. I'm sorry Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path, you don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
Hal: That's Dewey.
Dewey: [happily] Really?
Malcolm: This is unbelievable, You actually expect me to be president. No, no, I'm sorry, you expect me to be one of the greatest presidents in the history of the United States?
Lois: You look me in the eye and you tell me you can't do it.

Lois: Any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working in a car wash.
Malcolm: This shouldn't make me feel better. But it does.

Lois: [Dewey wants a new watch, but the family says they can't afford it] Hi Dewey, how was school?
Dewey: Terrible. I missed the school bus because I didn't know what time it was. And then I was late for a spelling test because I didn't know what time it was. And then David Klassner beat me up because I didn't know what time it was.
Lois: You want to know what time it is, Dewey? It's half-past a roof over your head, clean clothes, and three meals a day. That's what time it is.
Dewey: Let me tell you something, Mom. The roof leaks, the clothes are hand-me-downs, and the food stinks.
Lois: [pointing] Room!
Dewey: Dirty!

Lois: [entering the boys' room] What did you do?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Don't give that look. What did you do?
Malcolm: Nothing.
Lois: Well, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I... took a look in here!
[opens a drawer]
Malcolm: Mom, I'm telling you. we didn't do anything.
Lois: [notices the curtains are closed] If you've broken another window, it's coming out of your...
[opens curtain]
Reese: Are you done? Wanna frisk me?
Lois: You just consider yourselves lucky.
[leaves then immediately returns, then closes door]
Dewey: [tied up on back of door] That was close.
Malcolm: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.

Lois: In your room
[evil voice]
Lois: NOW!

Francis: [to Lois] You're spending your anniversary at home, fixating on a stupid dress. Is that what you wanted to do tonight?
Lois: What am I supposed to do, Francis? Let it go?
Francis: Yes. That's exactly what you should do. Let it go. But you can't because you can never let anything go.
Lois: I can too let things go.
Francis: Fine.
Lois: I can.
Francis: Fine.
Lois: I can!
Francis: Okay. Just forget I said anything.

Lois: [to Malcolm] How was Stevie?
Malcolm: I didn't get to see him.
Lois: You left for the hospital over three hours ago.
Malcolm: I tried taking the express bus, but somehow, I ended up on a shuttle to the airport. Seriously, they need to label those things better.
Lois: They're bright red and say "airport shuttle" on the side.
Malcolm: We drove right past the hospital, but the stupid driver wouldn't let me out. When did people stop caring?
Lois: Calm down, Malcolm. It's no big deal. You can go tomorrow.
Malcolm: Yeah, if the buses will let me.

Lois: [to Francis] I cannot talk to you anymore. Ooh, you make me so mad, sometimes I just want to break your neck! Did you get the cookies I sent you?
Francis: Yeah, they were great.

Lois: It smells like dead squirrels in the wall again Hal. Oh my God it's you Reese! You smell like an open sewer!
Reese: And whose fault is that?
Lois: Yours. All you have to do to stop this nonsense is get a job.
Reese: Excuse me but I think I made it pretty clear where I stand on that issue.
Lois: Well you can't stay here like this.
Reese: Is that an apology?
Lois: No it is an invitation to live in the backyard.

Lois: I am never disappointed in Value Village. No other place in the county has such a selection of irregulars.
Dewey: Are these made in some country where people aren't symmetrical?

Police: Do I appear to look concerned?
Lois: What? Yeah, sure you look concerned.
Police: Oh thank God. My handlers say that I don't pull it off.

Reese: What did I miss?
Malcolm: There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to.
Reese: What I was just gone for a second.
Dewey: Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this.
Lois: [walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repair man.
Hal: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...
[Hal is electrocuted and the boys laugh at it as Lois leaves embarrassed]

Lois: There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.
Malcolm: Huh?

Lois: It's about Malcolm.
Malcolm: I didn't do it.
Reese: Yes he did it, I saw him.

Lois: Those boys are like dogs! I have to get 'em on their backs just to re-establish my dominance.

Lois: [about her parents] But at least we can be happy when they're gone.
Malcolm: You mean when they drive back to Alaska?
Lois: Yeah. That's what I meant.

Malcolm: If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.
Lois: You kids...
Malcolm: Dang!

Lois: You are not a weirdo, you are gifted. And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.

Lois: I'll apologize in advance. I have gas to beat the band.

Lois: I saw his mother at the grocery store, she said you boys ate lunch together.
Malcolm: One time! He rolled his wheelchair over next to me. It's not like I could say go away.

Hal: [coaching Lois for her interview in the Mrs Tri-County pageant] Now, no matter what question they ask, you remember to use your key phrases: empowering women, the beauty within, helping those in need. And don't forget: end with, May God bless America!
Lois: Right, right. And when do I say the stuff about world peace?
Hal: No, no, no, no, no, no. We got rid of that. You don't want to come off like a liberal nut-case!

Lois: [to Reese] The INS is denying Raduca's request for a green card. They're questioning the validity of your marriage. They want her to report to their office tomorrow. You said Raduca had a tail?
Reese: Might have a tail! I don't know what the hell is going on back there!

Lois: You know, sergeant, you and I aren't so different. I mean if you think about it, we both have the same job. Taking a bunch of mindless irresponsible teenagers and turning them into something vaguely useful to the world.

Lois: I think one of the boys is screwing with me. My bookmark was on the wrong page. I found a loose thread on my smock. The car radio was tuned to a station next to the one that I always listen to. Oh, my God, I sound insane, don't I?
Hal: Honey, what you need is to take a step back and clear your head. You know what helps me? Working with Malcolm to weaponize my boat.

[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital after another argument between the doctor and the nurse. He's just sitting there as the boys looked]
Malcolm: What's wrong with him?
Lois: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.
Malcolm: The waist up?
[Lois is frustrated as Hal starts squrming around with his feet]
Reese: Dad, what is it?
[Lois taps his head to calm him down. It does the work as his right foot pets her leg]
Dewey: I think he's thanking you.