The Best Healy Quotes

[Tossing drug-laced doggie treats into Mary's apartment]
Pat: Wait... how many is this?
Norm: Umm... four.
Pat: Four? That seems like an aweful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him?
Norm: I never said that.
Pat: ...eh.
[tosses another through the window anyway]

[Pointing to large dog in back seat]
Pat: Does he bite?
Sully: A little bit. Get in.

[while Mary's suitors are quarreling, Brett Favre comes into the room, giving Warren a piggyback ride]
Brett: Hi, Mary!
Mary: [astonished] Brett?
Pat: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb-ass.
Ted: Yeah, I called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.
[Norm, Dom and Pat ease over to the window, apparently afraid of Brett Favre]
Ted: Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you should be with.

[spying on Mary]
Pat: Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.

Pat: [after hearing Tucker's conversation with Mary] You're gonna pay, fucker.

[Ted, Pat, and Tucker have all gone gaga over Mary]
Pat: [to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this fuck
[Ted]
Pat: outta the fuckin' picture!

Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
Pat: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.
Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!
Pat: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.

Sully: You would not believe all the pussy down here. lt's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Healy: Yeah? You getting any?
Sully: Nothing.

[Pretending to like retarded kids]
Pat: Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.

Pat: What, you think yer shit don't stink?
Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...

Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?
Pat: I accepted a job offer.
Ted: With who?
Pat: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.
Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?
Pat: It *was*. They're changing their image.

Norm: Really? Where would I have seen your work?
Pat: Well, have you been to, uh well, let me see... Santiago, Chile?
Norm: Twice last year. Which building's yours?
Pat: Are you familiar with the soccer stadium?
Norm: Did you build the Estadio Olimpico?
Pat: No, just down the street the Celinto Catayente Towers. It's quite a fine example, in fact. I recommend that next time you're up that way that you drop in and take a gander at it yourself.

Pat: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass.

Pat: My real passion is my hobby.
Mary: Really, what's that?
Pat: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little, uhm, politically incorrect?
Pat: Well, heh, to hell with that... no one's going to tell me who I can and can't work with, right?
Mary: No, I mean...
Pat: We got this one kid, Mongo... He's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theatre, but he's a good ship. So we don't bust his chops too much. So, one day Mongo gets out of his cage...
Mary: They keep him in a cage?
Pat: Well, it's just an enclosure...
Mary: No, but they keep him confined?
Pat: Right, yeah.
Mary: That's bullshit!
Pat: Well, that's what I said! So, I went out and I got him, uh, I got him a leash.
Mary: A leash?
Pat: Yeah, one of those ones you can hook on the clothesline, and he can run back and forth and, uh, there's plenty of room for him to dig and play. That kid is really, uh, he's really blossomed.

[after telling Mary that he's an architect]
Pat: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.

Ted: I think I still want to look her up.
Pat: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?
Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.
Pat: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.