50 Best Heathers Quotes

Veronica: Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful.

J.D.: I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya...

J.D.: Is your life perfect?
Veronica: I'm on my way to a party at Remington University... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.
J.D.: I... I don't really like your friends either.
Veronica: Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.
J.D.: Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

Veronica's: Will someone tell me why I smoke these damn things?
Veronica: Because you're an idiot.
Veronica's: Oh yeah, that's it.

Veronica: All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
Veronica's: I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

Veronica: Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?
Heather: Because I can be.

Heather: You stupid fuck.
Veronica: You goddamn bitch.
Heather: I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.
Veronica: Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

Veronica: I just killed my best friend.
J.D.: And your worst enemy.
Veronica: Same difference.

Heather: It's your turn Heather.
Heather: No, Heather, it's Heather's turn. Heather?
Heather: Sorry Heather.

J.D.: I knew that loose was too noose... uh... noose too loose...

Veronica: Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn.
Martha: I'd like that.
Veronica: Yeah. Me too.

J.D.: The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

Student: Did you hear? School's canceled today cause Kurt & Ram killed themselves in a repressed, homosexual, suicide pact.
Heather: No Way!

Veronica's: When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.

J.D.: Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except date rapes and AIDS jokes.

Heather: They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior.

Kurt's: My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.
J.D.: Wonder how he'd react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.

Veronica: It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.

J.D.: I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience.

Veronica: That knife is filthy.
J.D.: What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?
Veronica: Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.

Veronica: Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?

Veronica: [writing in diary] Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho.

Ram: [after watching J.D. flirt with Veronica] Let's kick his ass!
Kurt: Shit, Ram - we're seniors, man. We're too old for that kind of crap. Let's give 'im a good scare, though.
[They walk to where J.D. is sitting]
Ram: [Sticking his fingers into J.D.'s lunch] You gonna eat this?
Kurt: What did your boyfriend say when you told 'im you were movin' to Sherwood, Ohio?
Ram: Answer him, dick!
Kurt: Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "No Fags Allowed" rule?
J.D.: Well they, uh, seem to have an open door policy for assholes though, don't they?
Kurt: What did you say, dickhead?
J.D.: [He sighs, stands, and pulls out a gun] I'll repeat myself.
[He shoots Kurt and Ram]

Veronica: She's my best friend. God, I hate her.

Veronica: Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.

Heather: [playing croquet] So what are you gonna do Heather? Take two shots or send me out?
Heather: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red.
[puts her croquet ball against Heather's and sends it flying]
Heather: Shit.
Heather: It's your turn, Heather.

Heather: Suicide is a private thing.
Veronica: You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. fucking A. Today; that's about the least private thing I can think of.

J.D.: Well, ah... Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant at the scene.
[He picks up a shopping bag and pulls items out of it]
J.D.: All right. Got an issue of "Stud Puppy."
Veronica: Great!
[She laughs]
J.D.: Candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard. Let's see, some mascara. All right. And here's the one perfecto thing I picked up. Mineral water.
Veronica: Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water, it's come a long way.
J.D.: Yeah, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.
Veronica: Oh, you're so smart.

Veronica: You know what I want, babe?
J.D.: What?
Veronica: Cool guys like you out of my life.

Heather: I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah.

Veronica: You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice...
Brad: Save the speeches for Malcolm X, I just want to get laid.
Veronica: You don't deserve my fucking speech.

Veronica: If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.
Heather: Let's knock off early. Buy some shoes. Something lame like that.

J.D.: The extreme always seems to make an impression.

J.D.: Greetings and salutations... you a Heather?
Veronica: No, I'm a Veronica... Sawyer.

Heather: Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?

Pauline: Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Heather: Grow up Heather, bulimia's so '87.

J.D.: Today was great! Chaos is great. Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling,

J.D.: Seven schools in seven states and the only thing different is my locker combination.

J.D.: People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say; "now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep.

Veronica: You're a rebel? You think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel you're fucking psychotic!
J.D.: You say 'toh-may-toe', I say 'toe-mah-toh.

Veronica: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
Heather McNamara the Cheerleader: Probably.

Heather: Veronica, you look like hell.
Veronica: Yeah? I just got back.

Officer: [arriving on crime scene] So, what's the deal?
Officer: Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other!
Officer: Hey, that's Kurt Kelly!
Officer: And the line backer, Ram Sweeney.
Officer: My God, suicide. Why?
Officer: [holds up bottle of mineral water found next to one of the bodies] Does *this* answer your question?
Officer: [appalled] Oh man! They were fags?
Officer: [grimly] Listen up:
[reading from forged suicide letter]
Officer: "We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and un-understanding world."
Officer: [disgusted] Jesus H. Christ!
Officer: The quarterback, buggering the linebacker...
[shaking head]
Officer: What a waste!
Officer: Oh, the humanity!

J.D.: Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.

Heather: Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?

Veronica: This may seem like a really stupid question...
J.D.: There *are* no stupid questions.
Veronica: You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?
J.D.: That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

Veronica: Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.

Veronica: What is your damage, Heather?

Veronica: How very.