The Best Jack Crow Quotes

Jack: What the fuck do you want from me, Valek?
Valek: Oh, you hate me so, don't ya? But you made me, Crusader. You hate what you made. You fear it because it is superior to you.
[grabs Jack's chin]
Valek: For six hundred years, I've fed on your kind at will!
[Attempts to bite Jack but slowly refuses]
Valek: [whispers] No.
Jack: Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?
Cardinal: Because you are needed, Jack. The ceremony is a re-enactment of the original exorcism. It requires the blood of a crusader and his crucifixion upon a burning cross. The climax of the ceremony must coincide with the first rays of the rising sun. Sorry, Jack.

Jack: Let me ask you a question. When you were stabbing that vampire in there?
Father: Yeah?
Jack: Did you get a little wood?
Father: Mahogany.
Jack: Excuse me?
Father: Ebony.
Jack: What?
Father: Teak.
Jack: Are you possessed by demons?
Father: Major Chubby.
Jack: Language, Padre, language!

Cardinal: Ah, Jack. Buongiorno. Come. Please, sit down.
Jack: Who's this?
Cardinal: Oh, this is Father Adam Guiteau. Father Adam's in charge of our archives. A bookworm. And he's completely familiar with all your activities, so speak freely. Tell me what happened.
Jack: We cleaned out the nest near Fort Union.
Cardinal: Mmm-hmm.
Jack: That night a master showed up. No master was ever like this, superhuman strength, unkillable, like a machine. We didn't stand a chance. So tell me if I'm wrong Cardinal. But couldn't he be the one we always talked about, the one we knew would come along one day.
Cardinal: There are some other developments, sad developments. Tom, our Tom, our Tom Callahan is dead. And the whole European team is wiped out.
Jack: When?
Father: Three days ago.
[hands Jack a photo showing dead bodies]
Father: Callahan's team was clearing a nest near Cologne, Germany. Local authorities reported it as a terrorist act. We found this at the site.
[He shows Jack a small portrait with Valek on it]
Cardinal: Is he the one?
Jack: Yes.
[Notices writing on the bottom]
Jack: What is this?
Father: Celebratum it's medieval Latin for celebrate uh, celebrate this.
Jack: Celebrate what?
Cardinal: Well, we don't know.
Father: I've authenticated the portrait. It was painted in 1340. The subject's name is, was Valek, Jan Valek, born in Prague 1311. He was a priest who turned against the church and led the Bohemian peasants in an uprising, actually capturing several small towns. Valek was captured. He was tried for heresy and burned at the stake. But after his death, there were reports that he was seen walking at night. It was said he killed the living to drink their blood. They opened his grave and it was found empty. It's the first known case of vampirism.
Cardinal: A priest. Valek is not like the other Masters you have hunted before. He's the first and most powerful. Of our slayers, you are the only one who faced Valek and survived.
Jack: I'm going back out. You mind if I hang on to this?
Cardinal: Jack, I've been in contact with Rome. The Vatican council requests that you rebuild your team.
Jack: There isn't time.
Cardinal: You are to return to Monterey, recruit new team members and to try again when you are at full strength. Father Adam will accompany you and take the place of poor Father Giovanni.
Jack: [scoffs] I don't think so.
Cardinal: Jack. Jack. This is non-negotiable.
Jack: Valek is the original, the source of the disease, the first vampire created by the Catholic Church.
Father: By accident.
Jack: Shut the fuck up! This was your fight, Cardinal. Now it is mine.
Cardinal: Jack? Jack! If you refuse to obey the rules, the operation will be canceled, the funding withdrawn.
Jack: You have any idea how this Valek knows my name?
Cardinal: [to Father Adam] Stay close to him.

Jack: Let me just ask you one thing - after 600 years, how's that dick workin', pretty good?

Jack: You ever seen a vampire?
Father: No, I haven't.
Jack: No... Well first of all, they're not romantic. It's not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? Forget whatever you've seen in the movies: they don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffeta. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin' heart. Sunlight turns 'em into crispy critters.

Jack: [Valek is burning up from the sunlight] You ugly, blood-sucking fucker, DIE!

Cardinal: Hello, Jack. From your expression, I assume you couldn't possibly understand my presence here. I'm sorry to disillusion you, Jack. As one grows old, as death approaches, we begin to question our faith, and I found mine lacking. Is there a God? s there a Heaven? I can no longer answer this for certain. I've witnessed no miracles, had no visions, and the prospect of death terrifies me. I realized I've only one alternative, and I made a bargain with the devil, if you wish.
Jack: [disgusted] You are truly... A pile of dog shit, Cardinal.
Cardinal: [chuckles] Yeah, that's right. That's correct, Jack. And I can live with that. After I've given Valek what he wants, he will fulfill our bargain, and I will be transformed into one of his... New children. It's beautiful isn't it?
[Jack spits in his face]
Cardinal: Eternal life... Immortality can change your heart.
Jack: Valek. Why don't you prove you can kick my ass. Come on, untie me. Come on, fucking pole smoking fashion victim. Come on over here.
Valek: Jack... .
Jack: Come on five minutes. Then you can bite my ass a little. Would you like that? See me all tied up? Huh?
Valek: What will silence you?
Jack: Come on. Untie me, you prick.
Valek: Perhaps this will help
[Katrina enters the town fully vamped out]
Valek: Apparently your friend is one of my children now. You are alone, crusader.
Jack: What the fuck do you want from me, Valek?
Valek: Oh, you hate me so, don't you? But you made me, crusader. You hate what you've made. You fear it, because it is superior to you.
[grabs and squeezes Jack's face]
Valek: for 600 years I fed on your kind at will.
[Tries to bite Jack but slowly refuses]
Valek: No.
Jack: Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?
Cardinal: Because you are needed, Jack. The ceremony is a reenactment of the original exorcism. It requires the blood of a crusader and his crucifixion upon a burning cross. The climax of the ceremony must coincide with the first rays of the rising sun. Sorry, Jack.

Jack: End of the line, Valek.
Valek: You still with us, Crow?
Jack: I don't burn so good these days, bloodsucker.
Valek: [raising his hands in a calm manner] Give me the cross.
Jack: [sarcastically] This cross? Let me just ask you one thing. After 600 years hows that dick working? Pretty good?
[Valek advances menacingly]
Jack: Huh? Come on
Valek: [lunging at Jack] The Cross!
[Jumps but Jack stabs him with the end of the cross]
Jack: Suck this!
[Forces Valek against the wall while still stabbing him with the cross]
Jack: Die! Die, you fucker! Die!
Valek: [spreading his arms in a mocking tone] Jack.
[Jack hits him with a wooden plank]
Jack: Die!
[Hits him with another wooden plank to no effect]
Valek: [hits Jack across the room with the cross] Jack. You can't kill me.
[Starts to pull the cross out of his body he painfully yells out loud, Jack knocks a wooden pillar loose causing the roof to fall apart exposing Valek to sunlight causing him to combust and scream in agony]
Jack: You ugly, blood-sucking fucker, DIE!
[Valek combusts and explodes into a fireball]
Jack: Shit!
[sighs]
Jack: Jesus.

Father: The accounts are confused, but they refer to an inverse exorcism. The body is destroyed, but the possessed soul remains. The exorcism transformed Valek into a creature whose body is dead, but who lives on
Jack: A vampire.
Father: A vampire. The stories you heard about the black cross are true. It was used in Valek's exorcism and then taken back to Rome. It's known as the Berziers cross. The cross was then shipped to the new world. It was moved over the years from one Spanish mission to another. It's exact location was kept secret even from the Vatican. For hundreds of years it was lost. Then recently Cardinal Alba discovered the name of the only living priest who knew the location of the cross. Father Joseph Molina. Cardinal Alba and I came to the United States to find Father Molina to reclaim the Berziers cross. Now that is all I know.
Jack: You're a good man, padre. Welcome to the team.
Father: God forgive me.

Jack: Can I ask ya somethin, Padre? When I was kickin your ass back there... you get a little wood?
Father: What?

Jack: [after interogating the padre and getting him to confess] You're a good man padre... welcome to the team.
Father: [broken] May God forgive me.

[a vampire has just snapped a metal cord that was being pulled by Montoya's jeep]
Father: You didn't tell me they could do that!
Jack: I didn't *know* they could do that!

Jack: [Notices Montoya is all worn out and exhausted] You look like shit, Montoya.
[Montoya is getting into the van]
Jack: Where you going?
Montoya: South.
Jack: You love her that much.
Montoya: We make the perfect couple, Jack.
Father: [points shotgun at Montoya] You're not leaving!
Jack: Padre, back off.
Father: No.
[Montoya points his revolver at him]
Jack: Don't make me come over there and beat the shit out of you, Padre. Back off!
Father: He's a vampire, Jack!
Jack: [getting in the middle of both of them] Rule number one, if your partner is ever been by a vampire, never, ever let him live.
[Turning his head over to Father Adam]
Jack: Padre.
[They both lower their guns]
Montoya: I'm not a slayer anymore, Jack. Besides, the way I figure it, the two of you got plenty to do cleaning the rest of them out.
Jack: Meanwhile, she hides in the back of the van, out of the sunlight, while you make it for the border try to catch it by nightfall, is that it.
Montoya: I need a vacation, Jack.
Jack: When did she first bite you?
Montoya: Two days ago. I still covered your ass.
Jack: Yes, you did. So let's say I owe you two days back. What do you say, Padre?
Father: You've got two days
Jack: Wherever you go, I will find you. I will hunt you down, and I will kill you. The girl too.
[Montoya starts to cry and they both hug like brothers]
Montoya: Vaya con Dios, my friend.
[He tearfully goes into the van and drives off]
Jack: [whispering] Vaya con Dios , Slayer.

Jack: When did she first bite you?
Montoya: Two days ago. I still covered your ass!
Jack: Yes, you did. I say we owe you two days back. Whatya think, padre?
Father: You have two days.

[Just as Cardinal Alba is about to complete the ceremony by burning Jack at the stake, Father Guiteau shoots Alba in the back with a shotgun, killing him in the process. Valek, his followers, and Katrina growl and hiss]
Jack: [shocked] Padre!
[Valek growls]
Father: [yells] Now, what are you gonna do, Valek? You've got nobody to complete your ritual! The sun's starting to rise!
Valek: You... will finish the ritual.
Father: [holds the shotgun to his head] Try to make me.
Jack: Attaboy, Padre. Fuck with him!
[to Valek]
Jack: Hey, Valek, you're shit outta luck, pal. Give it up!
[Valek grabs a burning torch and attempts to set Jack on fire. Guiteau removes the shotgun from his forehead]
Valek: Finish it.
Father: No.
Valek: [yells] Finish it!
Father: [screams] NO!
[Valek moves the torch closer to Jack's crotch]
Jack: [groans] Come on, Padre. My nuts are on fire here!

Jack: Padre... I'm beginning to like you... so don't make me hurt you, OK? Just tell me what you know... I'll buy you a beer and get you laid. Come on. If you don't tell me, I'm gonna have to start cutting on ya.
Father: No, you won't. You're a righteous man, Mr. Crow. Besides I serve a higher master than you. Any secrets I keep are to protect the church and its followers. Part of...
Jack: [grabs Father Guiteau and pins him to the wall] Open your mouth.
Father: What?
Jack: Open your mouth. Ah, yeah.
[shoves a towel in Guiteau's mouth]
Jack: Gimmie your hand.
Jack: [Jack cuts Giuteau's hand with his switchblade knife] Now listen to me, you fuck! My father kept a secret once. He got bit by a vampire. He kept it a secret from me and my mother. By the fifth day he was turning. That night he attacked my mother and then he came after me. I killed my own father, Padre. I got no trouble killin' you. Last chance.
[Padre gasping]
Jack: Now open your motherfuckin' mouth.
Father: No.
Jack: Open your fucking mouth! Then prepare...
Father: No!
[screaming]
Jack: What? Are you ready? Excuse me? What?
Father: Valek - Valek is for an ancient relic, the Cross of Berseires!

Jack: Valek is the original! The source of the disease! The first vampire created by the Catholic Church...
Father: By accident...
Jack: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

[Cardinal Alba, performing the ceremony, makes a cut at Jack's leg]
Jack: [yells] Motherf...!

[Jack Crow, having been beaten up by Valek, awakens to find himself strangled and tied to the front of his truck; Cardinal Alba appears, having turned to the dark side]
Cardinal: Hello, Jack.
[Chuckles]
Cardinal: From your expression, I assume you couldn't understand my presence here. I'm sorry to disillusion you, Jack. As one grows old, as death approaches, we begin to question... our fate. And I found mine lacking. "Is there a god? Is there a heaven?" I can no longer answer this for certain. I've witnessed no miracles, had no visions, and the prospect of death terrifies me. I've realized I've only one... alternative, and I made a bargain. With the devil if you wish.
Jack: You are truly a pile of dog shit, Cardinal.
Cardinal: Yeah, that's right.
[chuckles]
Cardinal: That's correct, Jack and I can live with that. After I have given what Valek wants, he will fulfill our bargain. And I will be transformed into one of his... new children. It's beautiful, isn't it?
[Jack spits at the Cardinal's face]
Cardinal: Eternal Life... Imortality... can change your heart.
Jack: Valek...
[Valek looks at Jack]
Jack: ... why don't you prove you can kick my ass? Come on, untie me. Come on. Fuckin' pole smokin' fashion victim. Come on over here.
Valek: Jack...
Jack: Come on. Five minutes, then you can bite my ass a little. Would you like that, see me all tied up, huh?
Valek: What will silence you?
Jack: Come on. Untie me, you prick!
Valek: Perhaps this will help.
[Katrina, now a legion of the undead and one of Valek's newest children, appears and laughs evily after finally feeding on Montoya]
Valek: Apparently your friend is one of my children now.
[Jack scoffs]
Valek: You are alone, crusader.