50 Best James Woods Quotes

Falcon: You should have stayed in your little hole, mouse-boy.

Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
Hades: Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

Falcon: Don't ever make a friend I can eat.

Jack: When did she first bite you?
Montoya: Two days ago. I still covered your ass!
Jack: Yes, you did. I say we owe you two days back. Whatya think, padre?
Father: You have two days.

Zeus: Aw, Hades, don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration.
Hades: Love to, Babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regretfully have a full-time job that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So, can't. Love to, but can't.

Hades: [after credits] What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of somethin'm but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.

[the falcon dives up to behind Margalo, and stomps his feet loud enough while landing at her to startle her]
Falcon: Remember me?
Margalo: You scared me.
Falcon: What can I say? I'm a scary guy.

[Falcon has picked up Stuart and is going to drop him]
Margalo: Don't hurt him, Falcon!
Falcon: I won't hurt him. The sidewalk will!

Hades: Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?
Pain: [sounds assertive at first] I do not... know.
Panic: You can't... they're immortal?
Hades: Bingo, they're immortal. So the first thing we gotta do is make the little sunspot... mortal.

Father: Let's pray.
Father: Our father...
Megan: Hahahhaahaha!
Father: Shhhh... Stop it!
Megan: Your mother sucks cocks in hell!
Father: Oh shit...
Father: [Pulls out a gun] Suck on this.
Megan: Oh-oh.
[He shoots her]

Jack: Valek is the original! The source of the disease! The first vampire created by the Catholic Church...
Father: By accident...
Jack: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

[Cardinal Alba, performing the ceremony, makes a cut at Jack's leg]
Jack: [yells] Motherf...!

Jack: End of the line, Valek.
Valek: You still with us, Crow?
Jack: I don't burn so good these days, bloodsucker.
Valek: [raising his hands in a calm manner] Give me the cross.
Jack: [sarcastically] This cross? Let me just ask you one thing. After 600 years hows that dick working? Pretty good?
[Valek advances menacingly]
Jack: Huh? Come on
Valek: [lunging at Jack] The Cross!
[Jumps but Jack stabs him with the end of the cross]
Jack: Suck this!
[Forces Valek against the wall while still stabbing him with the cross]
Jack: Die! Die, you fucker! Die!
Valek: [spreading his arms in a mocking tone] Jack.
[Jack hits him with a wooden plank]
Jack: Die!
[Hits him with another wooden plank to no effect]
Valek: [hits Jack across the room with the cross] Jack. You can't kill me.
[Starts to pull the cross out of his body he painfully yells out loud, Jack knocks a wooden pillar loose causing the roof to fall apart exposing Valek to sunlight causing him to combust and scream in agony]
Jack: You ugly, blood-sucking fucker, DIE!
[Valek combusts and explodes into a fireball]
Jack: Shit!
[sighs]
Jack: Jesus.

Jack: You ever seen a vampire?
Father: No, I haven't.
Jack: No... Well first of all, they're not romantic. It's not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? Forget whatever you've seen in the movies: they don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffeta. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin' heart. Sunlight turns 'em into crispy critters.

Zeus: So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?
Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?

Hades: Name's Hades, Lord of the dead. Hi, how ya doin'?

Panic: "Hercules." Why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?
Panic: Wait, wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?
Panic,30568: Oh, my Gods!
Pain: Run for it!
[Hades seizes them and chokes them]
Hades: So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your exact words?
Pain: This might be a different Hercules!
Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays.
Pain: Remember like a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?
Hades: I'm about to rearrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel who can louse it up... is waltzing around IN THE WOODS!

Jack: Can I ask ya somethin, Padre? When I was kickin your ass back there... you get a little wood?
Father: What?

[Pegasus blows the flames off Hades' head]
Hades: Whoa. Is my hair out?

Jack: What the fuck do you want from me, Valek?
Valek: Oh, you hate me so, don't ya? But you made me, Crusader. You hate what you made. You fear it because it is superior to you.
[grabs Jack's chin]
Valek: For six hundred years, I've fed on your kind at will!
[Attempts to bite Jack but slowly refuses]
Valek: [whispers] No.
Jack: Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?
Cardinal: Because you are needed, Jack. The ceremony is a re-enactment of the original exorcism. It requires the blood of a crusader and his crucifixion upon a burning cross. The climax of the ceremony must coincide with the first rays of the rising sun. Sorry, Jack.

Falcon: The party's over, furface.
[Falcon goes into an attack dive]

Falcon: I'll be back for you, furball.
Snowbell: Don't hurry.

Principal: Your daughters haven't been in school for over two weeks.
Mr. Lisbon: Have you checked out back?

Jack: Let me ask you a question. When you were stabbing that vampire in there?
Father: Yeah?
Jack: Did you get a little wood?
Father: Mahogany.
Jack: Excuse me?
Father: Ebony.
Jack: What?
Father: Teak.
Jack: Are you possessed by demons?
Father: Major Chubby.
Jack: Language, Padre, language!

Father: [On the toilet] Lord, help me release this demon!
[farts]
Father: [relieved] Oh, thank you, Lord. Oh... wait.
Father: [farts again] Ahhh, ha-ha! Oh, those enchiladas!

Mr. Lisbon: [talking to his plants] Have we photosynthesized our breakfast today?

Hades: It's a small underworld, after all, huh?

Jack: [Valek is burning up from the sunlight] You ugly, blood-sucking fucker, DIE!

Ned: Who gave you permission to smile? Shut up!

Jack: [after interogating the padre and getting him to confess] You're a good man padre... welcome to the team.
Father: [broken] May God forgive me.

Margalo: I'm leaving you, forever.
Falcon: And what do you think you will be without me?
Margalo: Free.

Father: Hi, I'm Father McFeely.
Mrs. Voorhees: I'm so glad you're here.
Father: I came as fast as I could. But you know at my age the little soldier needs a lot more thumpin' before it starts pumpin'. I do find though, that if I tickle my asshole just before I unleash the dog of war...

Ned: Open the casket.
Priest: Who are you?
Ned: [draws his gun] I said open the fucking casket!
[they open the casket, then he walks away in disgust]
Ned: Bitch.

Zeus: You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah! Work yourself to death!
[Everyone including Zeus starts to laugh]
Zeus: [sits on his throne] Oh, I kill myself!
Hades: [to himself] If only. If only.

Ned: You broke your code. You killed an innocent bystander, Ray. And it's just eating you up inside, isn't it? But guess what? I'm comin', Ray. I'm comin' to take all the pain away.

[Jack Crow, having been beaten up by Valek, awakens to find himself strangled and tied to the front of his truck; Cardinal Alba appears, having turned to the dark side]
Cardinal: Hello, Jack.
[Chuckles]
Cardinal: From your expression, I assume you couldn't understand my presence here. I'm sorry to disillusion you, Jack. As one grows old, as death approaches, we begin to question... our fate. And I found mine lacking. "Is there a god? Is there a heaven?" I can no longer answer this for certain. I've witnessed no miracles, had no visions, and the prospect of death terrifies me. I've realized I've only one... alternative, and I made a bargain. With the devil if you wish.
Jack: You are truly a pile of dog shit, Cardinal.
Cardinal: Yeah, that's right.
[chuckles]
Cardinal: That's correct, Jack and I can live with that. After I have given what Valek wants, he will fulfill our bargain. And I will be transformed into one of his... new children. It's beautiful, isn't it?
[Jack spits at the Cardinal's face]
Cardinal: Eternal Life... Imortality... can change your heart.
Jack: Valek...
[Valek looks at Jack]
Jack: ... why don't you prove you can kick my ass? Come on, untie me. Come on. Fuckin' pole smokin' fashion victim. Come on over here.
Valek: Jack...
Jack: Come on. Five minutes, then you can bite my ass a little. Would you like that, see me all tied up, huh?
Valek: What will silence you?
Jack: Come on. Untie me, you prick!
Valek: Perhaps this will help.
[Katrina, now a legion of the undead and one of Valek's newest children, appears and laughs evily after finally feeding on Montoya]
Valek: Apparently your friend is one of my children now.
[Jack scoffs]
Valek: You are alone, crusader.

Hades: We were so close! So close, we tripped at the finish line! Why? Because our little nut, Meg has to go all noble.

Ned: Good. Nice sense of irony, blowing up the bomb unit. Ned, you may ask yourself, "Why is it my turn to die?" Ask God. He kills all the time. Why shouldn't I?

[Just as Cardinal Alba is about to complete the ceremony by burning Jack at the stake, Father Guiteau shoots Alba in the back with a shotgun, killing him in the process. Valek, his followers, and Katrina growl and hiss]
Jack: [shocked] Padre!
[Valek growls]
Father: [yells] Now, what are you gonna do, Valek? You've got nobody to complete your ritual! The sun's starting to rise!
Valek: You... will finish the ritual.
Father: [holds the shotgun to his head] Try to make me.
Jack: Attaboy, Padre. Fuck with him!
[to Valek]
Jack: Hey, Valek, you're shit outta luck, pal. Give it up!
[Valek grabs a burning torch and attempts to set Jack on fire. Guiteau removes the shotgun from his forehead]
Valek: Finish it.
Father: No.
Valek: [yells] Finish it!
Father: [screams] NO!
[Valek moves the torch closer to Jack's crotch]
Jack: [groans] Come on, Padre. My nuts are on fire here!

Jack: [Notices Montoya is all worn out and exhausted] You look like shit, Montoya.
[Montoya is getting into the van]
Jack: Where you going?
Montoya: South.
Jack: You love her that much.
Montoya: We make the perfect couple, Jack.
Father: [points shotgun at Montoya] You're not leaving!
Jack: Padre, back off.
Father: No.
[Montoya points his revolver at him]
Jack: Don't make me come over there and beat the shit out of you, Padre. Back off!
Father: He's a vampire, Jack!
Jack: [getting in the middle of both of them] Rule number one, if your partner is ever been by a vampire, never, ever let him live.
[Turning his head over to Father Adam]
Jack: Padre.
[They both lower their guns]
Montoya: I'm not a slayer anymore, Jack. Besides, the way I figure it, the two of you got plenty to do cleaning the rest of them out.
Jack: Meanwhile, she hides in the back of the van, out of the sunlight, while you make it for the border try to catch it by nightfall, is that it.
Montoya: I need a vacation, Jack.
Jack: When did she first bite you?
Montoya: Two days ago. I still covered your ass.
Jack: Yes, you did. So let's say I owe you two days back. What do you say, Padre?
Father: You've got two days
Jack: Wherever you go, I will find you. I will hunt you down, and I will kill you. The girl too.
[Montoya starts to cry and they both hug like brothers]
Montoya: Vaya con Dios, my friend.
[He tearfully goes into the van and drives off]
Jack: [whispering] Vaya con Dios , Slayer.

Hades: Pain!
Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.
Hades: Panic!
Panic: Oh, sorry. I can handle it.
[Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns]
Pain: Pain - Ow!
Panic: And Panic - eechk!
Pain,18810: ...reporting for duty!
Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute the Fates arrive.
Panic: Oh, they're here!
Hades: [shouting] WHAT? The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?
Pain,18810: [grovel] We are worms!
[as they grovel, they turn into worms]
Pain,18810: Worthless worms!
Hades: Memo to me, Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.

Jack: Padre... I'm beginning to like you... so don't make me hurt you, OK? Just tell me what you know... I'll buy you a beer and get you laid. Come on. If you don't tell me, I'm gonna have to start cutting on ya.
Father: No, you won't. You're a righteous man, Mr. Crow. Besides I serve a higher master than you. Any secrets I keep are to protect the church and its followers. Part of...
Jack: [grabs Father Guiteau and pins him to the wall] Open your mouth.
Father: What?
Jack: Open your mouth. Ah, yeah.
[shoves a towel in Guiteau's mouth]
Jack: Gimmie your hand.
Jack: [Jack cuts Giuteau's hand with his switchblade knife] Now listen to me, you fuck! My father kept a secret once. He got bit by a vampire. He kept it a secret from me and my mother. By the fifth day he was turning. That night he attacked my mother and then he came after me. I killed my own father, Padre. I got no trouble killin' you. Last chance.
[Padre gasping]
Jack: Now open your motherfuckin' mouth.
Father: No.
Jack: Open your fucking mouth! Then prepare...
Father: No!
[screaming]
Jack: What? Are you ready? Excuse me? What?
Father: Valek - Valek is for an ancient relic, the Cross of Berseires!

Hades: If I say I want Wonder Boy's head on a platter, you say...?
Meg: [without much enthusiasm] Medium or well done?

Hades: I can't believe this guy! I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...
[Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs]
Hades: What... are... those?
Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing...
Hades: [slowly burns up] I've got 24 hours to get rid of this... bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and YOU ARE WEARING HIS MERCHANDISE?
[Hades hears a noise, and sees Panic slurping some "Herculade"]
Panic: [chuckles nervously] Thirsty?
[Hades screams, and blows up a volcano]

Jack: Let me just ask you one thing - after 600 years, how's that dick workin', pretty good?

The: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.
Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
The: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
The: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
Hades: YES! Hades rules!
The: But a word of caution to this tale...
Hades: Excuse me?
The: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.
[they laugh and disappear]
Hades: WHAAAT?... Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.

Hercules: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.
Hades: Hmm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.
Hercules: Going once...
Hades: Is there a downside to this?
Hercules: Going twice...
Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes, you stay.
[Hercules dives in to save Megara]
Hades: Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?

Titans: [freed from their prison] Crush Zeus! Freeze Zeus! Melt Zeus! And blow him away! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Hades: Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.
[points behind him]

Cardinal: Ah, Jack. Buongiorno. Come. Please, sit down.
Jack: Who's this?
Cardinal: Oh, this is Father Adam Guiteau. Father Adam's in charge of our archives. A bookworm. And he's completely familiar with all your activities, so speak freely. Tell me what happened.
Jack: We cleaned out the nest near Fort Union.
Cardinal: Mmm-hmm.
Jack: That night a master showed up. No master was ever like this, superhuman strength, unkillable, like a machine. We didn't stand a chance. So tell me if I'm wrong Cardinal. But couldn't he be the one we always talked about, the one we knew would come along one day.
Cardinal: There are some other developments, sad developments. Tom, our Tom, our Tom Callahan is dead. And the whole European team is wiped out.
Jack: When?
Father: Three days ago.
[hands Jack a photo showing dead bodies]
Father: Callahan's team was clearing a nest near Cologne, Germany. Local authorities reported it as a terrorist act. We found this at the site.
[He shows Jack a small portrait with Valek on it]
Cardinal: Is he the one?
Jack: Yes.
[Notices writing on the bottom]
Jack: What is this?
Father: Celebratum it's medieval Latin for celebrate uh, celebrate this.
Jack: Celebrate what?
Cardinal: Well, we don't know.
Father: I've authenticated the portrait. It was painted in 1340. The subject's name is, was Valek, Jan Valek, born in Prague 1311. He was a priest who turned against the church and led the Bohemian peasants in an uprising, actually capturing several small towns. Valek was captured. He was tried for heresy and burned at the stake. But after his death, there were reports that he was seen walking at night. It was said he killed the living to drink their blood. They opened his grave and it was found empty. It's the first known case of vampirism.
Cardinal: A priest. Valek is not like the other Masters you have hunted before. He's the first and most powerful. Of our slayers, you are the only one who faced Valek and survived.
Jack: I'm going back out. You mind if I hang on to this?
Cardinal: Jack, I've been in contact with Rome. The Vatican council requests that you rebuild your team.
Jack: There isn't time.
Cardinal: You are to return to Monterey, recruit new team members and to try again when you are at full strength. Father Adam will accompany you and take the place of poor Father Giovanni.
Jack: [scoffs] I don't think so.
Cardinal: Jack. Jack. This is non-negotiable.
Jack: Valek is the original, the source of the disease, the first vampire created by the Catholic Church.
Father: By accident.
Jack: Shut the fuck up! This was your fight, Cardinal. Now it is mine.
Cardinal: Jack? Jack! If you refuse to obey the rules, the operation will be canceled, the funding withdrawn.
Jack: You have any idea how this Valek knows my name?
Cardinal: [to Father Adam] Stay close to him.

Father: How is she?
Mrs. Voorhees: It's gotten worse Father. She won't eat. She won't talk. The child won't let me touch her.
Father: Yes, sometimes you have to give them candy.