The Best Jim's Dad Quotes

Jim's: [On Condoms] Well, they're safer than a tube sock...

Jim's: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
[hesitates]
Jim's: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud".
[pause]
Jim's: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

Jim's: [Jim's Dad just caught Jim masturbating into the pie his mom cooked] We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.

Jim's: [talking about masturbation] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
Jim: Right.
Jim's: It's not a game.
Jim: No.
Jim's: What you want is a partner to return the ball.

[last lines]
Jim's: Sweetheart!

Jim's: [to Jim] Now, do you know what a clitoris is?