The Best Jim Quotes

Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!
Chris: She's a mermaid dude.
Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.

Steve: You actually said that?
[laughs hysterically]
Chris: Shut up!
Jim: You did better than me, Nova.
Chris: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.
Steve: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.
[shouts]
Steve: *suck me, beautiful!*
[walks off, laughing]

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: Guys! Come on, you're ruining my moment here. I mean, this is our very manhood at stake.

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
Chris: She's a college chick.
Jim: Cassanova!
Chris: Debbie.
Steve: Bullshit - from where?
Chris: She works part-time at my dad's store.
Steve: Yeah right, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
Chris: Dude, come on, he does not.
Kevin: Really, Stifler, he's the manager.
Steve: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!
Steve: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sake and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
Steve: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.
Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?
[both laugh]

[Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]
Chris: She's a cartoon, dude.
Jim: She's a hot cartoon.
Chris: Dude, is there anything you don't jerk off to?
Jim: Of course there is. C-Span.

Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

Michelle: Now, I have 2 rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time.
Jim: What makes you think that I would cum early?
Michelle: Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing.
Jim: Yes I am.

Michelle: Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Jim: [spits out drink] Excuse me?
Michelle: What? You don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is. Sex Ed. So, are we gonna screw soon? Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]
Jim: Oh man...
Chris: Shit dude, the 'L' word?
Jim: And what did you say?
Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.
Chris: Good, then you're still safe.
Jim: You think she was serious?
Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Chris: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.
Jim: Yeah.
Chris: Yeah, no Sweat.
Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself
Chris: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...
Jim: Hey.

Jim: [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.
Finch: HOLY SHIT!
Garage: [together] Holy shit
Enthusiastic: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!

Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.

[Deleted scene. Michelle and Jim collapse after having sex]
Stifler's: [Opens cupboard door] Awesome! That was better than Jurassic Park! Oh man...
Jim: Yes it was...

Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

Jim's: [talking about masturbation] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
Jim: Right.
Jim's: It's not a game.
Jim: No.
Jim's: What you want is a partner to return the ball.

Steve: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
Chris: You came to see me in action?
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Steve: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

Jim: God... let this be it.