The Best Kevin Quotes

Kevin: We must make a stand, here and now. No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be. This is our day. This is our time. And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy. Yes. We will make a stand. We will succeed. We will get laid!

Finch: [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet] Did not just take out that chair.
Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

Kevin: [watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet] He's pullin' out the porn.
Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

[Kevin and Vicky are sitting in class]
Victoria: [whispering] Hey, Kevin.
[mouthing]
Victoria: I want to have sex.
Kevin: [loudly] Now?
Victoria: [whispering] Prom.

Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.
Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?
[both laugh]

Steve: Hey, Kev, seen Shitbrick lately?
Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?
Steve: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.
[shows a jar of laxatives]

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: Guys! Come on, you're ruining my moment here. I mean, this is our very manhood at stake.

[Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino]
Kevin: Finch, get to the bathroom, now!
Finch: Easy tiger, what's in there?
Kevin: Just go.
Finch: And why is this?
Kevin: Listen, you're going to shit your pants.
Finch: [snorts] That's charming.
Finch: Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.
Finch: Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!
[Finch runs from the room]

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
Chris: She's a college chick.
Jim: Cassanova!
Chris: Debbie.
Steve: Bullshit - from where?
Chris: She works part-time at my dad's store.
Steve: Yeah right, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
Chris: Dude, come on, he does not.
Kevin: Really, Stifler, he's the manager.
Steve: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!
Steve: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sake and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
Steve: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]
Jim: Oh man...
Chris: Shit dude, the 'L' word?
Jim: And what did you say?
Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.
Chris: Good, then you're still safe.
Jim: You think she was serious?
Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Chris: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.
Jim: Yeah.
Chris: Yeah, no Sweat.
Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself
Chris: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...
Jim: Hey.

Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?
Steve: [vomiting] Fuck you!

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?