The Best Joker Quotes

The: [during the fundraiser party held for Harvey Dent] You know, I'll settle for his loved ones.
Gentleman at Party: We're not intimidated by thugs!
The: [as he smacks his lips] You know, you remind me of my father.
[the Joker pulls out his switchblade and brings it to the Gentleman's mouth]
The: I hated my father!
Rachel: [off-screen] Okay, stop!
[turns to face Rachel, tosses the Gentleman to his thugs and approaches Rachel, adjusting his hair with the knife]
The: Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Harvey's squeeze. And you *are* beautiful.
[he walks around her]
The: Oh, you look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got 'em?
[He grabs Rachel's head and positions the knife by her mouth]
The: Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife. She was beautiful, like you. Who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks. One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can't take it. I just want to see her smile again. I just want her to know that I don't care about the scars. So... I stick a razor in my mouth and do this...
[the Joker mimics slicing his mouth open with his tongue]
The: ...to myself. And you know what? She can't stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I'm always smiling!
[Rachel knees the Joker in the groin; he merely laughs it off]
The: A little fight in you. I like that.
Batman: [off-screen] Then you're gonna love me.
[attacks him]

Gambol's: Yo, Gambol, there's somebody here for you. They say they just killed the Joker.
Gambol's: They brought the body.
[a body bag is brought in and dropped on the table; Gambol unzips it, revealing Joker's face]
Gambol: So. For dead, that's 500...
The: [sitting up and sticking a blade in Gambol's mouth] How 'bout alive?
[Joker's men hold the bodyguards]
The: You wanna know how I got these scars? My father, was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me and says, "Why so serious?" Comes at me with the knife. "WHY SO SERIOUS?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face." And...
[glancing at thug]
The: Why so serious?
[kills Gambol]

The: [to Det. Stephens in the interrogation room] Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

The: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!
[Joker hands Two-Face a gun and points it at himself]
The: Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!
[still holding the gun, Two-Face pauses and takes out his coin]
Two: [showing Joker the good side] You live.
The: Mm-hmm.
Two: [showing the scarred side] You die.
The: Mmm, now we're talking.

The: [over the PA] Tonight you're all gonna be part of a social experiment. Through the magic of diesel fuel and ammonium nitrate, I'm ready right now to blow you all sky high. Anyone attempts to get off their boat, you all die. Each of you has a remote... to blow up the other boat. At midnight, I blow you all up. If, however, one of you presses the button, I'll let that boat live. So, who's it going to be: Harvey Dent's most wanted scumbag collection, or the sweet and innocent civilians? You choose... oh, and you might want to decide quickly, because the people on the other boat might not be so noble.

[bumps along while driving a hijacked semi truck]
The: [driving in the driver's seat] I like this job - I like it!

Lt. James Gordon: [in the interrogation room] Harvey Dent never made it home.
The: Of course not.
Lt. James Gordon: What have you done with him?
The: Me? I was right here.
[holds up his arms in handcuffs]
The: Who did you leave him with? Your people? Assuming, of course, they are still *your* people, and not Maroni's. Does it depress you, commissioner? To know just how alone you really are? Does it make you feel responsible for Harvey Dent's current predicament?
Lt. James Gordon: Where is he?
The: What's the time?
Lt. James Gordon: What difference does that make?
The: Well, depending on the time, he may be in one spot, or several.
Lt. James Gordon: If we're gonna play games...
[takes off Joker's handcuffs]
Lt. James Gordon: I'm gonna need a cup of coffee.
The: Ah, the good cop, bad cop routine?
Lt. James Gordon: Not exactly.

The: [in a warehouse next to a mountain of money] All you care about is money. This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to them!

The: You know. I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us, Harvey. When you and, uh...
Harvey: Rachel!
The: Rachel were being abducted. I was sitting in Gordon's cage. Now, *I* didn't rig those charges.
Harvey: Your men. Your plan.
The: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just... *do* things.

Gambol: [During a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] You think you can steal from us and just walk away?
The: Yeah.

The: It's a funny world we live in. Speaking of which, do you know how I got these scars?
Batman: [while being pinned down on the platform next to the ledge of a building that's still under construction] No! But I know how you got these!
[fires gauntlet blades into Joker's face]

Gambol: [to The Joker during a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.
The: How about a magic trick?
[pulls out a pencil and sticks it upright into the table]
The: I'm gonna make this pencil disappear.
[Gambol's thug walks over to kill The Joker, who slams his face into the pencil and kills him]
The: Ta-daa! It's... it's gone.

The: [upon entering the fundraiser party held for Harvey Dent while his henchmen follow behind him] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question. Where is Harvey Dent?
[nobody responds; The Joker walks around the room pointing with his shotgun at everyone]
The: You know where Harvey is? You know who he is?
[grabs a man's face]
The: You know where I can find Harvey? I need to talk to him about something. Just something, a little.
[turns the man's face away]
The: No...

The: [During a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] If we don't deal with this now, soon little, uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma.
Gambol: [explodes] Enough from the clown!
[He rises to his feet; Joker does too, opening his coat to reveal a cluster of grenades, attached to a string around his thumb]
The: Ah-ta-ta-ta! Let's not *blow*...
Man No. 1: Shit!
The: ...this out of proportion.

The: [During a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] What do you propose?
The: It's simple. We, uh, kill the Batman.
[mobsters laugh]
Salvatore: If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?
The: If you're good at something, never do it for free.

The: [while hanging upside down] Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
Batman: You'll be in a padded cell forever.
The: Maybe we can share one. You know, they'll be doubling up, the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.
Batman: This city just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good.
The: Until their spirit breaks completely. Until they get a good look at the real Harvey Dent, and all the heroic things he's done. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine's Harvey.
Batman: What did you do?
The: I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!
[the Joker laughs hysterically as Batman races off and the cops come to take the Joker into custody]

The: [in the interrogation room] I want... my phone call. I want it. I want it! I want my phone call!
Detective: That's nice.
The: How many of your friends have I killed?
Detective: I'm a twenty-year man. I can tell the difference between punks who need a little lesson in manners, and the freaks like you who just enjoy it.
[pause]
Detective: And you've killed six of my friends.
The: [mouths "six?"]

The: [after a news segment] I had a vision, of a world without Batman. The mob ground out a little profit and the police tried to shut them down, one block at a time. And it was so... boring. I've had a change of heart. I don't want Mr. Reese spoiling everything, but why should I have all the fun? Let's give someone else a chance. If Coleman Reese isn't dead in sixty minutes then I blow up a hospital.

Batman: [in the interrogation room] Then why do you want to kill me?
The: [giggling] I don't, I don't want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You... you... complete me.
Batman: You're garbage who kills for money.
The: Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.

The: [in a warehouse next to a mountain of money] Joker-man, what you do with all your money?
The: You see, I'm a guy of simple taste. I enjoy dynamite, and gunpowder, and gasoline!
[he pours gasoline on the mountain of cash]
The: [panicked] What the...?
The: Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta. And you know the thing they have in common? They're cheap.

The: Don't talk like one of them, you're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me. They need you right now. But when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper. See, their morals, their code... it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you, when the chips are down, these... these civilized people? They'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster, I'm just ahead of the curve.
Batman: [grabs Joker] Where's Dent?
The: You have all these rules and you think they'll save you!
Lt. James Gordon: [as Batman slams Joker into the wall] He's in control.
Batman: I have one rule.
The: Oh, then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.
Batman: [getting impatient] Which is?
The: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.
[mimicking Batman's voice]
The: And tonight you're gonna break your one rule.
Batman: I'm considering it.
The: Oh, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you wanna save one of them.
Batman: [softly, fearful] Them?
The: You know for awhile there, I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her.
[Joker laughs, Batman throws Joker on table, barricades door]
The: Look at you go! Does Harvey know about you and his little bunny?
Batman: [slams Joker into mirror] Where are they?
The: Killing is making a choice.
Batman: [punches Joker] Where are they?
The: Choose between one life or the other. Your friend, the district attorney, or his blushing bride-to-be...
[punches Joker]
The: [laughs] You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with! Nothing to do with all your strength!
[grabs Joker]
The: Don't worry, I'm gonna tell you where they are. Both of them. And that's the point. You'll have to choose. He's at 250 52ND Street and she's on Avenue X, at Cicero.

[Batman slams The Joker's head on the table]
The: Never start with the head. The victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...
[Batman punches the Joker's hand. The Joker pauses for a moment waiting for it to hurt]
The: See?

The: [SPOILER] We really should stop this fighting, otherwise we'll miss the fireworks!
Batman: [while being pinned down on the platform next to the ledge of a building that's still under construction] There won't *be* any fireworks!
The: And here... we... go!
[Silence. Nothing happens. Confused, Joker turns to look at the clock, which shows that it's past midnight and neither ferry has blown the other up]
Batman: [triumphantly] What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone's as ugly as you? You're alone!
The: [sighs] Can't rely on anyone these days, you have to do everything yourself, don't we!

Grumpy: That's a lot of money. If this Joker guy was so smart, he'd have had us bring a bigger car.
[promptly draws his gun and points it a Bozo]
Grumpy: I'm bettin' the Joker told you to kill me as soon as we loaded the cash.
Bozo: [looks at his watch, checking it. He sighs] No, no no no. I kill the bus driver.
Grumpy: [as Bozo moves a few paces to one side] Bus driver? What bus driver?
[a yellow school bus reverses through the bank's doors and knocks Grumpy down. The driver jumps out]
Bus: School's out! Time to go!
[laughs]
Bus: Cat's not gettin' up, is he?
[loading duffels]
Bus: That's a lot of money. What happened to the rest of the guys?
[Bozo casually shoots the bus driver dead, then picks up the last duffel and throws it into the bus. Bozo prepares to climb in]
Gotham: Think you're smart, huh? The guy that hired youze, he'll just do the same to you. Oh, criminals in this town used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in, huh? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?
Bozo: [putting a gas grenade in the banker's mouth] I believe, whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you...
[takes off his mask revealing the face of the Joker]
The: ...stranger.

Batman: [as Joker is holding Rachel out a window] Let her go!
The: [giving him a look] Very poor choice of words...

The: [stumbles out of wrecked truck, playing chicken with Batman] Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. Hit me!

The: [after a news segment] Are you the real Batman?
Brian: No.
The: No? Then why do you dress like him?
Brian: He's a symbol... that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.
The: Yeah, you do, Brian. You *really* do!