50 Best Julian McMahon Quotes

Christian: You didn't have an orgasm, is that right?
Grace: Not a shudder.
Christian: You're a liar. I rode you like a triple crown jockey, and you came.
Grace: Get out of my face right now.
Christian: I counted each contraction. Three times. Or were you doing your Kegel exercises?
Grace: [whispers] Lock the door.

Victor: [after showing the video of his encounter with the alien] Well?
Ben: I like the part where he knocks you on your ass.

Christian: [about Dr. Santiago] She's a troublemaker and her shoes are cheap.

Dr. Christian Troy: [Ava brought a baby into the consulting office] I know you like 'em young, Ava, but shouldn't you at least wait for his testicles to descend?

Jess: Now, what about this bus? What, did it head south, east, west?
Special: We've been scrubbing as much surveillance video as possible, but so far, no luck.
Special: Yeah. It could be anywhere.
Jess: And Givens' girlfriend?
Assistant: What... what girlfriend?
Jess: I don't know who she is or where she lives, but I know that he's got one.
Assistant: You-you-you... you do? How?
Jess: Givens was an orphan. He's constantly seeking strong women to take care of him.
Assistant: Oh, right. Be... okay.
Jess: It's true.
Assistant: Uh... all right, w-we need hard evidence here, Jess. The clock's ticking, we don't have time to play shrink.
Jess: Well, we don't have any hard evidence. All we have is to play shrink.

[last lines]
Dr. Christian Troy: Can I buy you a drink?
Hot: [perched on bar-stool, aloof] I don't drink.
Bartender: [to Christian] One for the road?
Dr. Christian Troy: No, thanks. I have to... operate tomorrow.
Hot: [now interested] You're a doctor?
Dr. Christian Troy: [smiling] Plastic surgeon.
[she smiles too]

Dr. Quentin Costa: I'm sorry, Kimber. This is very embarrassing. I'm completely starstruck. I've seen all your movies.
Kimber: How sweet. We have a new series coming out. It's called "Two Girls, a Guy, and a Cumface". It's loosely based on our personal experience.
Dr. Christian Troy: We'll be sure to send you the DVDs.
Kit: Porn's for fat kids. Why not offer him the real thing?
Dr. Quentin Costa: I wouldn't want to impose.
Kit: Christian won't mind a friend lending a hand.
Dr. Christian Troy: Not at all. Quentin, if that's what Kit wants. She's all yours.
Kit: If you like her movies, wait until you have her when she's not acting. She tastes like hot maple syrup.
Dr. Christian Troy: Kimber isn't a condiment from IHOP, sweetheart. She's not to be passed around the table.

FBI: Tell us about Tom's family.
Michelle: Connie said that his mom ran off when he was young, and I think his dad passed three years ago.
FBI: And what about his friends, did you know them?
Michelle: I don't know if he had any. He was always off on his own, playing with the dog. He barely even talked to his own kids.

Aria: [on plane] You know, I need to use the bathroom.
Dr. Sean McNamara: [mouth full of chocolate] Okay.
Aria: [seductive] You wanna come?
Dr. Sean McNamara: [leaning towards her] You're saying you wanna join the Mile-High Club?
Aria: Give me two minutes.
Dr. Sean McNamara: Okay.
[she flounces off]
Dr. Christian Troy: Don't do it.
Dr. Sean McNamara: Like you wouldn't.
Dr. Christian Troy: I have. It's not worth it. All right? The bathroom's too small to get any rhythm going and... flight attendants are very strict post-9/11.

FBI: This is a fugitive case now. Your job is done.
Special: Really? I saw those children. My job is done when Gilman's in custody.
FBI: Jubal will tell you, I work with a small team, people who've known me for years.
Special: Agent LaCroix...
FBI: It's nothing personal. My team has a shorthand, no wasted motions.
Special: Yeah, I caught one of your talks in Quantico three years ago. I know how you work. Just give me this: call me for the takedown.
FBI: No promises. You have passion, Agent Bell. Hold on to it; it's useful.

Assistant: All right, so, the prints on the gas pump were a match to this man, Sam Givens, and he is the gunman from our bus. Same height, spent time in the Army, and he is missing that pinky finger. Now, Givens just got out prison after serving ten years on a series of violent robberies, and the arresting agent was none other than our own Jess LaCroix from the Fugitive Task Force. Agent LaCroix has agreed to work with us on this case. He caught Givens once, we're hoping he can do it again. Ladies and gentlemen, Jess LaCroix, one of the best in the business.
Jess: [shaking hands] It's good to see you again, Jubal.
Assistant: You, too. Thanks for coming. I know you guys are busy.
Jess: 26 kids are missing. These are the ones we do for free.

Kimber: [In a dreamy way, typical of the show] Hey, sailor...
Dr. Christian Troy: [Surprised] Kimber... Uff.
[Looks at her with love]
Dr. Christian Troy: I missed you so much.
Kimber: Really? Because I didn't miss you. I know I said to you that I did, but no so much. I think I'm finally free now.
Dr. Christian Troy: Don't say that. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Kimber: And yet you stole my soul. I have to kill myself to get away from you. That was the only way out. And now Sean is killing himself too, Christian. If he stays with you, he's a dead man.
[Christian awakes]

FBI: While I was staring at the wall back there, I was thinking about Gilman's dilemma. He needs to put miles on the odometer. He knows we've got everything covered. He would've anticipated having to change his appearance and use a fake ID. Being a deportation officer, arresting undocumented aliens, he would have had the pick of all the fake IDs they had. Right?
FBI: I guess we're going back to Port Chester.
FBI: You, Crosby, and Hana. Sheryll and me, we're going to a massage parlor.

Christian: I'm a wildly successful plastic surgeon and I have a 33-inch waist. I'm a superhero, so now I'm going to put my cape back on and get back out there.

Dr. Christian Troy: It takes at least two to tango with Kimber. Preferably eight, one for each tentacle.

Ram: Don't you think that the little girl's gonna be a little bit better off with Kimber and me, rather than some punk who's willing to be filmed taking it up the ass so he could score a little bit more boo-yah?
Dr. Christian Troy: That's my son, you dick-sucking pimp!
Kimber: Didn't you guys know that Matt worked here? Oh yeah, Ram cast him in First-Time Fairies... as a bottom. That's the one...
Julia: Stop it Kimber, you're lying!
Dr. Christian Troy: Of course she's lying. That's the only thing she's good at... except for spreading her legs

Christian: Can I buy you a drink?
Kimberly: I don't drink.
Christian: May I buy you an appetizer?
Kimberly: I don't eat. I'm a model.

Gina: What's the matter, Christian, not turned on by pregnant women?
Christian: No, just not turned on by you.

Sean: Check out this bombshell. We're getting ready this morning, and Julia tells me she wants her breasts done.
Christian: If you're thinking conflict of interest, I'd like to volunteer my services.
Sean: Still have a crush on the missus, do we?
Christian: Let the records show that I dated her first and passed off my sloppy seconds to you.

Christian: If you'll excuse me I'm going upstairs to pay somebody to pretend they like me.

Christian: The line that divides the porn industry and the plastic surgery is a thin one. We're both selling fantasy, aren't we?

Sean: Remember, We're treating a patient here, not just a vagina.
Christian: That's easy for you to say. You've never been with Vagina Gina.

Dr. Sean McNamara: They're barely old enough to have their driver's licenses.
Dr. Christian Troy: They're 18, I carded them.
Dr. Sean McNamara: I'm going for a walk.
[leaves]
Dr. Christian Troy: [mutters:] I thought he wanted to be more impulsive.
[everybody laughs]

Dr. Christian Troy: [trying to have sex with Gina, who's nine months pregnant] Jesus, how do fat people have sex?

Dr. Sean McNamara: Tell us what you don't like about yourself.
Dawn: Nothin' money can't buy. I have a few extra layers on my pound cake, that's where you come in.
Dr. Christian Troy: So, you'd like some liposuction Mrs. Budge.
Dawn: I mean all over. Even behind my ears. Whatever it costs, I can afford it. I hit the big power ball, $300,81,000,000. Maybe you saw me on Maury?
Dr. Sean McNamara: Congratulations.
Dr. Christian Troy: Wow.
Dawn: Excuse me, *I* won it. I am the one, who sat for two hours, in the humidity, my fat ass in a broken' down lawn chair, just to buy my tickets. While these two bugeritas were stayin' home to watch a re-run of "The Ghost Whisperer".
Dwight: It was the second two-parter Dawn!
Mallory: The only reason you didn't stay home was cause you had already seen it, Ma.
Dawn: Zip it, Mallory!
Dawn: Anyways, after I won, the first thing I purchased, were the exact replicas of the mirrors of Louis the XIV has in Versailles. Ya know, France? $15,000 a piece. I would have paid $5000,000,000. After I had them professionally hung, I looked at myself in them and thought, Pudge Budge has got to go. It is time my body matched my bank account.
Mallory: [laughs] If that's what your after, hell, you'd been skinny your whole life. She was only making $15,000 down at the Jiffy Lube.
Dawn: Can you sew her mouth shut? I mean literately. Can you put a zipper on there? Because I swear to you, I will do it!
Dr. Sean McNamara: Is there something your interested in having done Mallory?
Mallory: [Looks down at her chest] I want some new tits.Big ones.
Dawn: Finally, something we agree on. I mean shes gotta do something about those mosquito bites, shes never gonna get a man and move the hell out of my house. While you're in there, do something about her belly button. It's disgusting. Show the doctors Mallory.
Mallory: [Mallory lifts up her shirt to expose her bellybutton] I always thought it was kinda cute.
Dawn: How the hell are ya gonna walk around South Beach in a Tube Top? Look Dwight, it's bigger then your penis.
Dr. Sean McNamara: Mr. Budge, we haven't herd much from you. Do you think your daughter's...
Dawn: Excuse me, Dwight is my second husband, he is not Mallory's father. He is here, because he would like a bigger dick. And those pumps? A total waste of money.
Dr. Christian Troy: So, you would like a penis enlargement Mr. Budge.
Dwight: Aw, hell, I don't know, I never really thought of having an operation.
Dawn: It never came into your head before because we could never afford it homey. Now, that's all changed now. We're the rich folks now. It's time that we got what we deserve, and we deserve these operations.
Dr. Sean McNamara: I have to say Mrs. Budge, McNamara or Troy won't operate on patients who are uncertain of their convictions.
Dawn: No, no, they want them, it's all we talked about from the drive down from Pensacola.

Special: Has Givens ever abducted anyone before?
Jess: Not that I'm aware of. His specialty was home invasion robbery, but he's been in the slammer for ten years. I'm sure he picked up some new tricks.

Dr. Christian Troy: [to Gina] You want the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and can't change? Here's step 13: everything disappears. Love, trees, rocks, steel, plastic, human beings. None of us get out alive. Now you can huddle in a group and face it one day at a time, or you can be grateful that when your body rubs against somebody else's it explodes with enough pleasure to make you forget even for a minute that you're a walking pile of ashes. Now that is the truth. If you're strong it'll make you free, if you're weak, it'll make you... you.

Dr. Christian Troy: [to the news of Matt and Ramona's engagement] Congratulations. I guess the next question is... how far along are you, sweetie pie?
Ramona: You must be Christian. Matt said you'd be the first to say something inappropriate.

FBI: Hey, boss, I scrubbed Gilman's phone. No trace of any girlfriend.
FBI: Gilman didn't cheat because he's looking for a relationship. Intimacy's not in his tool kit.
FBI: Neither is sharing. He's got no social media presence. Joined Facebook in 2009, posted one picture of his daughter, and hasn't been back since.
FBI: Yeah, sounds about right.
Detective: What's he doing, inspecting suspicious marbles?
FBI: It's old, Detective, maybe from his childhood. It's interesting to me that he kept it.

FBI: Sheryll'll join me interviewing Mrs. Gilman's bereaved sister.
FBI: You should try doing that hand-holding bit by yourself sometime.
FBI: My hands are not as soft as yours. Clinton, get with the ICE office in Port Chester. Tell 'em we want to talk to Mr. Gilman's co-workers today. Don't let 'em stall you. They had a bad apple; they gotta suck it up and cooperate.
FBI: I'll sweet-talk them.
FBI: Hana, everyone he spoke to on the Net, every site he visited, opinion expressed, his jollies, his follies...
FBI: Yeah, I got it.
FBI: Young Agent Crosby, how are those guns? All mended?
FBI: [flexing his biceps] 100%, boss.
FBI: Excellent. Do us a favor. Next time a fugitive throws a refrigerator down a staircase, don't try to catch it.

Christian: Sorry I'm late.
Miss: Have a seat, Mr. McNamara.
Christian: It's Troy. Dr. Christian Troy.
Miss: I'm confused. I thought you were his father.
Christian: I am. I'm his, uh, biological father.
Matt: I have 2 dads.
Miss: Well, was there a divorce? Oh, got it. 2 dads. Emily Willis has 2 momies. We're seeing more and more of this.
Christian: Matt's father is my partner, Dr. Sean McNamara.
Miss: I understand.
Matt: They're not gay, Miss Wentworht. My Mom slept with Christian before she married my Dad.
Adrian: Technically, I don't have any father figures, but Matt's living in my house and screwing my Mom, so I pretend he's my Dad.
Ava: It's true, Miss Wentworth. Matt and I are lovers. I was his life coach.
Adrian: You see, Matt has a problem. He's a premature ejaculator.
Miss: Ok, enough. I deal with dysfunctional families on a daily basis. And trust me, everyone has a story, and none of you are that special.

Sean: Are you saying that I have your ineptitude to thank for my success?
Christian: No, you have my 10 inch dick to thank.

Matt: We just felt this connection.
Christian: Yeah, it's called DNA!

Christian: [addressing a competing plastic surgeon who's wearing a white suit] Merrill. You look like a Q-Tip.

[greeting Merrill at a spa]
Dr. Christian Troy: Merrill, you metrosexual, you. What are you doing here, getting your back waxed?
Dr. Merril Bobolit: Who told you?

Tali: Dad, does Wally mind the hood?
FBI: He's okay, honey. It's not hurting him. Keep holding that leash.
[moving across the room]
FBI: Ready?
[Tali nods]
FBI: Okay.
[she removes Wally's hood]
FBI: Let's see how that wing is doing.

Dr. Christian Troy: [entering room, finding Eden modeling skimpy red dress for gay friend Chaz] Sorry, am I interrupting Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition?

Dr. Sean McNamara: God, I wish I was single sometimes.
Dr. Christian Troy: Well, you know what they say, "For every beautiful woman, there's a guy that's tired of screwing her."

Christian: Can I buy you a drink?
Kimber: I don't drink.
Christian: Can I buy you an appetizer?
Kimber: I don't eat. I'm a model.
[Christian gives up and is ready to leave]
Bartender: Another one before you hit the road?
Christian: No thanks, I have to operate tomorrow.
Kimber: Are you a doctor?
Christian: [flashes smile] Plastic surgeon.

Christian: Ever notice how "monogamy" rhymes with "monotony"?

Dr. Sean McNamara: What the hell are you doing, calling a stripper to the office?
Dr. Christian Troy: A stripper? Sean, I wouldn't do that to you... She's a hooker.

Dr. Liz Cruz: [about Kimber] This poor girl, trouble just walks along side her.
Dr. Christian Troy: Screw her! How many times have I fixed this outside of this succubus? And what changes on the inside? huh? Nothing. You know the definition of madness? When you do the same thing over and over again expecting defferent results.
Dr. Liz Cruz: This only mad thing about her is that she still has feeling for you.
Dr. Christian Troy: There comes a point where you just have to let go. Kimber has a disease of the soul. Get too close you'll catch it.

Salesman: You liked Gina before she conceived, you're gonna love her now, she's a tigress!
Christian: Did you screw her?
Salesman: Well... yeah. She told me about your guys situation, I thought you were cool!
Christian: [shoves salesman] You're bragging to me about banging the mother of my unborn child, and you think I'm cool with that? What kind of sick freak are you?
Salesman: She told me you weren't together!
Christian: What's the difference? That's my god damn child you're poking at!
Salesman: She was just so lonely and beautiful. You can't see it, but I can!
Christian: [knocks salesman down] Cancel my order! Stay away from my kid!

Christian: I think I work better on women I've screwed. Once you've seen a woman's cumface, you've seen her soul.

Assistant: A bus full of children. What does he want? Is he just reckless? What's his ultimate objective?
Jess: Money.
Special: So he'll ask for ransom?
Jess: Unless he can make more by trafficking the kids. Like I said, he's motivated by money.

Eden: [bursting in the operation room] You got what you wanted, right? They attacked me in rehab.
Dr. Christian Troy: Get the hell out of here, or you'll go someplace much worse than rehab.
Eden: You are a fucking liar! You put the fucking pills in my bag, you fucker!

Dr. Christian Troy: Maybe I should go take a shower.
Kimber: [knowing that he has been cheating on her:] Maybe you should make it a cold one.
[turns over on bed to go to sleep]

Dr. Christian Troy: [upon learning of her and Mike's matching tattoos] You two mental midgets belong together.

Dr. Christian Troy: [to Sean, regarding Matt's latest hare-brained scheme] Are you sure you didn't drop him on his head when he was a baby?

Christian: [in reference to the vandalizing of his car] I'm serious, I felt violated. The last time I felt like this was back in the early 90s when some girl shoved her finger up my butt with no warning.