Top 50 Quotes From Matt Berry

Jim the Vampire: I can see by the look on your face you were never expecting to see me again.
Laszlo: No, you can see by the look on my face I haven't got a fucking clue who the hell you are!

Guillermo: I just fear that the hypnosis is making the borough dumber and dumber.
Laszlo: We live in Staten Island. Nobody will notice.

Nadja: You haven't had an original idea since 1925, when you decided to go down on me for the first time in two hundred years!
Laszlo: Biggest mistake I ever made.
Nadja: You said I tasted like goat's cheese!

Laszlo: Now, I've turned my attention to isolating the genetic marker which is slowing his transformation. It's a very complex scientific procedure where I mix his DNA with the DNA of stray animals just to see what shakes.

Laszlo: Gay is in. Gay is hot. I want some gay.

Fennec: Jabba the Hutt once sat upon that throne. His reign ended in a ball of fire on the Dune Sea and then Bib Fortuna took his place. You were all once captains under the Hutt. But you quickly left the family when Fortuna claimed to be the heir. He was a terrible leader with no right to the throne. Oh, you each tried to take his place, but were thwarted by his guile and treachery. It took this man, Boba Fett, to remove him. You all accrued wealth and riches under Jabba the Hutt. You can again, if you listen to Boba Fett.
Boba: I may sit on that throne, but I have no designs on any of your territories. I ask for no tribute or quarter, and I expect to give none, either. I'm here to make a proposal that's mutually beneficial. As I'm sure you all know, the Pyke Syndicate are mustering troops in Mos Espa. They have slowly absorbed our planet as part of their spice trade. They have bribed the Mayor and are draining Tatooine of its wealth.
Dokk: We make many credits from the sale of spice in our territories.
Klatooinian: And why do you deserve to be the Daimyo? What prevents us all from killing you and taking what we want?
[they all jump as Fett's rancor roars]
Boba: Easy, boy.
[tossing a meaty bone down]
Boba: Easy. Think he's a little hungry. Please, sit.
[everyone sits back down]
Boba: Why speak of conflict when cooperation can make us all rich?
8D8: [translating Aqualish] Master Garfalaquox asks what it is that you are proposing.
Boba: I am proposing that all the families of Mos Espa join in a defensive alliance until the Pyke Syndicate is vanquished.
Klatooinian: They have only challenged your territory. Why should we spill the blood of our ranks for a feud waged between you and the Pykes?
Dokk: Yes.
Boba: Then I will fight these battles alone. I will vanquish these interlopers who threaten our planet. I will make the streets safe again. So all in this room can prosper. All I ask in return is that you remain neutral if the Pyke Syndicate approaches you to betray me.
[they all converse in their native languages with their respective comrades]
Dokk: This will be acceptable.
8D8: [translating Aqualish] Master Garfalaquox finds this acceptable, as well.
Klatooinian: [everyone looks to him] I abide.

Guillermo: [finding a note] "Laszlo sucks". Backwards.
Laszlo: Laszlo doesn't suck. And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards.

Laszlo: What are those vehicles called that are all brightly colored? Very jolly.
Nandor: Oh... You mean chariots, dragging the corpses of your vanquished foes.
Charmaine: We call them "floats."
Nandor: Yeah. The corpses float also.

Laszlo: I'm as dry as a nun's doodah.

Lazslo: No, the Jersey Devil is not real.
Nandor: It is just a myth that vampires made up to explain all the dead bodies that we leave in the woods.
Lazslo: Sean may be my best friend, but like all humans, he doesn't realize when he's been fucking had.
Nandor: Sean is your best friend?

Laszlo: We're not going to kill him. It goes against our non-killing agreement.
Nandor: Yes, but it is now necessary to do the humane thing and rip Sean's head off.

Laszlo: [after the nightclub explodes] I think my hat's probably cursed.

Laszlo: What kind of goat sorcery is this?

Laszlo: Get your hand off my wife's ample--but firm--backside.
Nadja: Thank you, darling.

Colin: [reading] Huh. Says here that sour cream is on sale over at Shop Mart.
Laszlo: Shut up, Colin Robinson.

Lortha: I am Lortha Peel. I am a water-monger in the Worker's District.
8D8: What is your petition to Lord Fett?
Lortha: Well, with apologies, sir... no one respects you.
8D8: Enough!
Boba: Let him speak.
Lortha: Ever since Lord Fortuna was... perished, the streets have turned to chaos.
Boba: Well, this is the first I'm hearing of it.
Lortha: No, it's true. And I am insulted on your behalf at the disrespect these urchins are showing you. Especially in light of the, uh, well, you know...
Boba: What?
Lortha: The assassination attempt.

Laszlo: I can play any instrument, apart from bagpipes. They sound fucking terrible to everyone.

Laszlo: A fucking sparrow. The lamest of all birds.

8D8: These two Gamorreans were once bodyguards to Jabba the Hutt and later, Bib Fortuna. They did not surrender even after their patron was killed. They were captured alive as a tribute to you, Lord Fett. Their tortured squeals will send a piercing message to all potential challengers to your throne.
Boba: I do not torture.
8D8: Well, really, Lord Fett, on Tatooine, you must project strength if you are to be accepted as a Daimyo.
Boba: You were loyal to both your bosses. Would you be loyal to me if I were to spare you?
Fennec: [the Gamorreans both kneel before him] This is a bad idea.

8D8: Presenting Dokk Strassi, leader of the Trandoshan family, protectors of the city center and its business territories.
Boba: That's weird. I used to work for him.
Fennec: It's even weirder for him.

Nandor: We vampires do not hunt.
Lazslo: Of course we fucking do. We hunt humans.
Nandor: Does that count, though?

Laszlo: I can speak 14 languages, as long as they are English.

Laszlo: If there's anyone that can get to the bottom of this kind of thing, it's me. Why? 'Cause I'm the king of bottoms.

Laszlo: So I'll see you at the bottom. As the actress said to the bishop.

Laszlo: [looking at the oblivious Sean] 'Cause he's my best friend, he's my pal. He's my homeboy, my rotten soldier. He's my sweet cheese. My good-time boy.

8D8: And here you see the businesses that were under the protection of the name that should not be spoken.
Boba: You can say "Jabba."
8D8: Under the protection of Jabba the Hutt.
Boba: He's dead. He can't hurt you.
8D8: I was concerned that you would feel insulted.
Boba: Why would I feel insulted?
8D8: Because you felt threatened.
Boba: Well, now I am insulted.

Mr. Deadly: Sorry, what was your name?
Cheryl: There's some debate on that.

Laszlo: Previously on this filmed documentary program, or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be.

Nadja: Alright Dr Arsehole, how does your 'Science' explain what we just saw?
Laszlo: Now you see it can be one of two things: One, Mercurial Zyphyria. Two, Esparragos Gases possibly from a Peat Bog. Now, if you capture these, add them together using Yellow Bile from a Plague Victim, you got what looks like a Ghost. But, it's Science.
[Esparragos translates to Asparagus]
Nadja: Ooooooh..
[Nadja gestures with a masturbatory hand gesture with a climatic explosion]
Nadja: Thpttth!

Prince: [to Bean] With your brains and my beauty, what a twosome we could have been.

Laszlo: I didn't become a vampire to end up as pen-bushing bureaucrat. I became a vampire to suck blood and to fuck forever.

Laszlo: Personally, I'm a man of science.
Nadja: All right then, Dr. Arsehole, how does your "science" explain what we just saw?

Guillermo: [Guillermo unrecognizable voice over the Message Machine warning them of a threat coming] You need to get out of the house right now. you need to get out of there, right now, or you are going to die. Get out NOW. You're gonna die. This is not a joke.
Laszlo: shit.
Nadja: How did Bloody Mary get our Bloody Phone Number?
Laszlo: Her Power has no bounds.

Nadja: [Guillermo calls the house to warn Nadja, Lazlo and Nandor that a group of Vampire Hunters are coming to kill them. The three listen to the phone message thinking It is "Bloody Mary" who emailed them a Chain Letter] How did Bloody Mary get our Bloody Phone Number?
Laszlo: Her Power has no bounds.

Laszlo: No one here knows I'm a vampire. Apart from the people I've drained and killed, but they're dead now so that that problem's pretty much solved itself.

Nadja: [discussing familiars] Remember Joey?
Laszlo: No, my dear. I'm not that familiar.
[laughs hysterically]

Nandor: All you ever do is lay about or tinkle on your piano or have sex with Nadja wherever and whenever you please!
Lazslo: How is that an insult? Sounds to me like life goals achieved, me old fruit.
Nandor: You take and you take and you take. You took the seat in the Honda Element that wasn't behind Sean's seat in the Honda Element, even though you know that Sean likes his seat in the Honda Element pushed right far back, and I have the longer legs!

Laszlo: Gizmo, what are you doing out there?
Guillermo: Having a wank?
Laszlo: Ah, good man. Carry on.

Laszlo: It's a fucking urban myth. Like ghosts or large penises.

Prince: I never had to stoop to kindness or charm. But now those things are gone and so are the ladies. So, tell me why the damsels flock to you, someone far more repulsive than yours porkly.
Luci: I would love to give you some great advice, BUT IT WILL COME AT A GREAT COST! Occasionally I get to ride you like a horse.

8D8: After the sail barge disaster, there was a power vacuum. Bib Fortuna assumed Jabba's mantle. Under Master Bib's watchful eye, Mos Espa was divided amongst three families. The Trandoshans took the city center. The Aqualish, the Worker's District here. And the Klatooinians, the starport and upper sprawl. Master Bib did not have the power of Jabba, so he relied on uneasy alliances to preserve his tribute and title. All of this while lining the pockets of Mayor Mok Shaiz.
Boba: Where does that leave us now?
8D8: Everyone is waiting to see what kind of leader you are.
Boba: And the assassins?
Fennec: Mayor has no power. Somebody else is behind that play.
Boba: The Hutts.
Fennec: Could be. You want me to ask around?
Boba: Would they know if you did?
Fennec: We should assume so.

Lazslo: This house is all kinds of Frank Lloyd Wrong.

Laszlo: Vampires have huge respect for owls. One, they're nocturnal. Two, they're predators. And three, they don't give a "hoot" where they dump their scat.

Mr. Deadly: As I said, doomsday device, designed by a race to whom mutual destruction was preferrable to defeat. I was hidden away on the edge of space, but the war I was created to end in fiery apotheosis concluded without me. So, there I remained, my only companions: the velvety dark and solitude itself.
Sterling: And then?
Mr. Deadly: I got bored, so I nabbed you out of hyperspace to help me explode, at which point, I'll atomize a few dozen solar systems.
Cheryl: [giggling and fanning herself with her hand] Who else is turned on right now?

Laszlo: [after Laszlo and Nandor attempt to hypnotize Sean] I think it's worked... .
Sean: What happened?
Laszlo: [reassuringly] Quite all right, Sean.
Sean: Uh yeah, totally.
[pause]
Sean: Who's Sean?
Laszlo: Shit. He's forgotten everything.

Laszlo: This is a huge honor for us, but like all huge honors, it's a pain in the nutsack.

Boba: Who sent you? What were your orders? Speak, prisoner. Well, if he's not gonna speak, he no longer needs his head.
Night: E chu ta!
Boba: We spared your life after you tried to take mine. And you curse me? What do we know of this prisoner?
8D8: He is of the Order of the Night Wind.
Boba: Assassin for hire.
8D8: Very expensive.
Fennec: Overpriced. You're paying for the name.

Laszlo: To cut a shit story short, we've been found out.

8D8: Excuse me, Lord Fett.
Boba: [with his new rancor] Not now. I'm busy.
8D8: We heard back from the Mayor's office. He remains completely unavailable for at least the next 20 days.
Boba: [to the rancor keeper] Feed the rancor, a full ronto carcass from the larder. I think it's hungry.
[leaving with 8D8]
Boba: Tell Fennec to suit up. We're not waiting for an appointment.

Nandor: I don't do that.
Laszlo: You do do that.
Nandor: You just said "Doo doo."
Laszlo: Touché. Can we get on with this?