Top 30 Quotes From Matthew Moy

Han: Here ye! Here ye! I'm unveiling a major improvement to the diner.
Max: Well we'll miss you, Han.
Han: Nice try Max but like Ryan Seacrest, I'll be here forever.

Lars: This is all your fault. I know if something went wrong today, it would be because of you. Now I'm never going to be friends with these guys all because of your weird mom.
[a short pause]
Steven: What do you know about my mom. I didn't even get to know my mom but I do know she saw beauty in everything. Even in stuff like this and even in jerks like you.

Max: And the technical term for you is "overly-dramatic". Yesterday you freaked out because we were out of toilet paper. Just hold it 'til you get to work like everybody else.
Han: Now maybe I sing while others wait.
Max: Uh-oh. We got real problems now.
Han: I choose Susan Boyle popular song from all clips on internet. It's called I Dream...
[Max unplugs microphone while Han is talking]
Max: Keep dreaming.

Han: Oh, hello. So what did you girls do today? I haven't seen you since right here last night.
Caroline: Oh, really, Han? Because I swear I saw you lurking around outside The High. It was either you, or Pikachu is visiting New York.
Han: That one barley grazed me because I'm Korean and Pikachu is Japanese. You don't know anything about Pokémon.

Han: Hipsters like karaoke.
Max: Replace the work 'like' with the word 'Hitler' and you have the 3 worst things in history.

Han: [Caroline sniffs a $100 bill] Caroline, what the hell are you doing?
Caroline: I'm smelling a $100 bill. It's from my other restaurant. It buys me nice things. Jealous?
Han: I took you in when you had no one!

Han: OK, first comment. Dark haired waitress.
Max: [high pitched and happily] Hey!
Han: Was very rude!
Max: [high pitched and happily] Hey!

Caroline: Hey Han, do you want a cat?
Max: You can finally have a friend your own size. C'mon you can ride it to work.
Han: No, I can't have a cat. They're lazy, moody and judgmental. I don't need another you. Plus they don't show affection.
Max: Sure they do, you just have to know how to get it out of them. Cats love to be lightly spanked on their bottom.
Han: I don't understand why a cat would like that. So mysterious.
Max: [Max starts spanking Han] Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.
Han: Hmm, well, I can't have a cat, I work all the time. Why did I like that so much?
Max: I dunno, something with boobs was touching you?
Han: People with boobs touch me.
Caroline: She means aside from your mom.
Han: Then, no.

Han: Max, I'm talking to you.
Max: Oh, I didn't hear you I have my earbuds in.
Han: [Picks up earbuds from off the table] What are these?
Max: Ok you had to bust a move and get all "the truth" on my ass fine let's go there. Han, I'm never gonna be your Facebook friend.

Caroline: [Caroline is talking about the new cappuccino machine] Okay, good. Now we've got the power on, but how do we steam the milk? Maybe it's on this touchpad thing.
[Caroline pushes a button and a ton of hot steam comes out and Caroline screams]
Caroline: Oh, Holy Mother of God! I just steamed my vagina.
Han: [Han comes into the back diner area] Max, Caroline, your shift started three minutes ago.
Caroline: Who cares about sidework? I probably can't have children.
Han: What is wrong with her?
Max: She just had her carpet steamed-cleaned.

Han: You think you're too good for the diner?
Caroline: I think sour bread is too good for the diner.

Han: Tomorrow is Caroline's birthday.
Max: Why don't I know that about her? She tells me everything. I know so much about her cycle I feel pressure to impregnate her.
Oleg: I can do that for you.

Oleg: Over there they roll fast and loose.
Han: Well, this is how I roll.
Max: Yeah, short and slow.
Han: No, I roll Fast and Furious, Tokyo Drift style!

Han: What other career options do you have Caroline? Hmm lets see cupcakes? No wait your shop didn't last six months!
Caroline: Don't go there Han.
Han: Oh I'm already there and now I'm back.
Caroline: That shop was our dream Han, and this is just a dumb diner.
Han: Your fired!
Caroline: Oooo I'm fired? Max, Han just fired me.
Max: You lucky son of a whore.
Han: I'm serious Caroline you just called my diner dumb. At least my diner is still open and successful where as your cupcake shop was so dumb it failed.
Earl: Oh, he did not just go there.
Han: I went there and I came back and then I went there again!

Lars: [as Steven, reading Lars's report card] Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-buh-duh-uff...? That doesn't spell anything!

Han: I just felt a shift in the force... did someone clean a table over there?

Ted: [Ted is trying to end the class early so he could scramble back to MacLaren's for Maggie] One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...
[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Louis: Maggie?
Ted: Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember
[points to writing]
Ted: Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
Betty: [Raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
Ted: No... she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her.
[students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Jamie: Is she a hottie?
Ted: Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and
[Betty raises hand]
Ted: Betty?
Betty: Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted: Totally... I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think?
[students raise hands]

Han: Thank you, everyone, for staying late to learn our new iPad order system.
Earl: We had no choice. You locked the door from the outside.
Han: Either way, we're learning.
Caroline: Han, why would we update your order system when our uniforms are from the 1970's and our paychecks are from the 1800s?
Han: Let's get to the tutorial. Max, you and I are going to role-play.
Max: All right, you can be the little bitch and I'll be me.
Oleg: I don't need this lesson. I'm very familiar with the touch screen. Let's just say I put the "goo" in Google.
Han: I'm going to pretend I'm a customer and order a hamburger. Hello, Miss. I'll have a hamburger.
Max: Certainly, Miss. Would you like that with or without Salmonella?

Han: Whole food is where I come to get my groove on.
Caroline: Why is Chuck E. Cheese closed?

[Stevonnie goes into the donut shop. Lars and Sadie have never seen this beautiful stranger before and blush at the sight of them]
Lars: H-how... can I help... me?
[Stevonnie flips their long, thick black hair and wrings it out]
Stevonnie: Two donuts, please.
[Lars gets out a bag of donuts without taking his eyes off of Stevonnie. Stevonnie gets out a bill]
Stevonnie: What do I owe you?
Lars: Uh...
Sadie: Oh, nothing. It's on the house.
Stevonnie: Really?
[Lars and Sadie nod]
Sadie: Mm-hmm.
Stevonnie: Okay.
[They take the bag of donuts and head for the door]
Stevonnie: But just so you know, that isn't a very sound business practice.
[as Stevonnie leaves, Lars and Sadie stare at them, open-mouthed]

Caroline: It's like being an intern at Apple during the summer of '76.
Han: That's right. Call me "Han Jobs."
Max: Oh, I will only call you "Han Jobs."

Han: [Han pulls out a hand gun and points it at the robber] I don't think so, homeboy... You're in my house now, bitch!

[Lars is checking his pulse when Steven emerges out of his hair, making them both topple over. Lars sits up, groaning]
Steven: Sorry, Lars.
Lars: So, what happened? What's in my head?
Steven: Home!
Lars: Wha?
Steven: Everyone! I made an amazing discovery! I just travelled back to Planet Earth by going through Lars' head!
Lars: You went back to Earth? What the heck? Is my head like a wormhole?
Steven: No, it's way simpler than that! You see, I have a pink pet lion who belonged to my mom when she was still here and, it turns out I can go into his mane and it transports me to a magical dimension where my mom kept a bunch of artefacts on a hill with a tree and for some reason I can't breathe in there. But anyway, when I went into Lars' head I got transported to the same magical dimension, but it was a new part of it, but since the two are connected, I can reach the portal that leads out of Lion's mane which is back on Earth!
Lars: [Stunned] Uhhhh...

Han: [Han Lee comes in with a CPR doll] Okay, everybody, gather around.
Max: Who knew it was "bring your girlfriend to work" day?
Han: She is not my girlfriend. Judy is a CPR doll and the hardest working girl in this diner.
Caroline: [Caroline comes out from the diner work area] Oh, Han you shouldn't bring your sex doll out in public.
Han: This is not my girlfriend or a sex doll!

Han: That's a $450,000 sports car.
Max: I know. Add a stackable washer/dryer and a motor home, and it's like Caroline won the the Showcase Showdown.

Han: Now grab that thing and squeeze it 'til it sprays.

Caroline: Han, what are you thinking? How are you ever gonna pull this off?
Han: With the help of my two best friends?
Max: Oh, good! Who are they?

Lars: How is she having such a good time without me? Does she even know I died out here?

Lars: ...So, wait. I'm a zombie, now?
Steven: No. W-well... No! Y-you can talk, and zombies can't do that. I must have healed you! I've healed people before, just never this much.
Lars: Just admit it, Steven! I'm a zombie!
Steven: O-oh! I know! A zombie wouldn't have a heartbeat!
[He places his head close to Lars' chest. He looks concerned and starts sweating with surprise and fear. The heartbeat is there, but the beats are very slow and far in between]
Steven: That's, uh, pretty slow. But, I think we can rule out 'pink zombie'.

Han: Look at that. Something ate right through the Swiffer. And I don't think it was the bleach. How will you ever live with the shame?
Caroline: Can you believe that was the man that saved us?
Max: Yeah, I did not see a gun coming. I saw nun-chucks, ninja smoke, maybe some hair-pulling, but not a gun.